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How do I fight a cult when my offspring thinks it's grand?

My oldest daughter's husband and preacher have started "clamping down" on outside influences. Her husband won't even allow her sister to change to baby's diaper "because she would see him naked." He is ten months old. They have started forcing my 18yo to go to church (and she wants to see my grandson and her sister, so she goes) in order for her to stay with them.

Notlost 6 June 8
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Talk to your family members about your concerns. Ask about why they need to hide from other views if their views are actually correct, wouldn’t they be able to easily refute any nonsense argument that might be made against their faith? Come up with ways to make sure that any family member who wants to can contact you. You may want to give have them write your phone number in a Bible, or mark the number verses in their bible so that they can always call you in an emergency

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I would suggest to give it a little more time, as some others have, and back away, as sometimes trying to show the "wrong" in a situation makes a teen want to defend it as much as they would the "rebel" in a movie from the 1960's. She may make a friend to take her interest away from the cult, or to get her to question why she is going along with them. It could be from outside the group, which would be ideal, but it would need to be something she chooses. You couldn't introduce her to it. All I can say is good luck.

She is 27, married to the brother of the preacher's wife, and refuses to make friends outside of the church. She doesn't have a job, since having the baby, so no outside influences there. I don't force my views on her, I merely ignore when she tries to force her views on me. I feel like she is holding me hostage, since she can take my grandson away from me at her whim.

@Notlost I understand a little better now after reading more comments. Many of our friends make sense, and I can see how your situation has touched some sensitive spots with many of us as well.
I can only relate what I believe I would do. I have a son whose 35, and 3 step children, in various stages of relationships and break-ups, so I've seen a lot.
My general way of handling things is this: I usually approach them and say something like: You know I love you and my only wish for you is that you be happy. (to your oldest I would say): I know that your husband and your religion make you happy and I want you to know that even though I don't believe the way you do, I will support you in your choice of lifestyle. (to your middle daughter I would say): I love your sister, and I love you and I know that you've been asked to do something you don't want to do in order to see your sister and the baby. It isn't fair, but you have been brave to pay that price and all I ask is that you remember this is not the kind of thing you want to pay forward. I support you in the choice you've made, and I will always be here for you.
If there's one thing I've learned in the last 50 years since I started caring for children seriously, it's that negativity only makes it more difficult to bring anyone over to your side.

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If it where my son in law indirectly accusing my other daughter of being some kind of child molesting pervert for wanting to care for her nephew, he and I would be having some serious words in private, a conversation including such words as, Fucking, idiot, pervert and sledge hammer"
This is nothing to do with religion, this is a seriously twisted individual who need putting straight now, before this goes any further.

There have been no outright accusations. This feels more like he is trying to keep my eldest (his wife) in his control, by forcing her to be the only one to change diapers so she can't ever have a break. (Because far be it from him to ever change a diaper, bathe the child, etc.)

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You can not, nor should not, force another to adhere to what YOU think is right. One can only present their way of thinking and reasoning and hope it will have some influence on another.

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My first instinct was how disgusting but... So the husband and preacher are the same? or both are creating this influence on the family? and the husband insists on being the only one to exclusively change, bathe and dress him? Praise the lord and pass the pampers. Seriously my sympathies, just trying to look at the bright side ?‍♂️ If you really want to help huck whitewash the fence she could turn it around on him and insist that she be the only one to do it because the sight of baby penis is too great a temptation for homosexuality. ?

Both are creating this situation, and the preacher is the husband of my SIL's sister.

No, as the parents, they both are the only ones to be allowed to change him or bathe him.

No, as the parents, they both are the only ones to be allowed to change him or bathe him.

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I would say that if there weren't children involved, this would be a case of grown ass adults making grown ass decisions regarding their own personal lives. The fact that there are children involved changes the whole equation.

Keep an eye out for signs of neglect and abuse in the kids. At the first sign, bring social services down on these pricks like flies descending on shit.

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You can't. Yes, they sound wack, but they are adults and are entitled. Make no comments. Your home should be a shelter for the one grandchild if and when she needs you. Step carefully but don't back down. I feel for you.

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I thought there were organizations that help with this kind of thing.

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I think this presents multiple hurdles. First, to acknowledge it's unacceptable and second, the courage to leave or put her foot down.

Oh no, she is the one who jumped in with both feet and thinks it's marvelous (my oldest daughter). If her "preacher" told her to throw my middle daughter in the street, she would. My middle daughter doesn't want to be kept from her nephew or sister, so she goes along.

@Notlost from my layman's POV, all I can think to suggest is to document everything. Create a documented history of behavior for evidence when it's needed

She jumped in with both feet. Her husband's faith has been questionable from day one. The only part he really likes is getting to be bossy with women. I already let them both know he has no say over me, regardless of whether I am in their home or wherever.

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Educate them on how cults work. Try films or books from escapees.

I tried that, too. The response was, "I'm sure glad we aren't in a cult!".

@Notlost Ask them what makes a cult a cult.

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So sorry. That is a hard situation. It's not abusive is It? Another person posted that these are the same things that happen in abusive relationships. From the little information it sounds like he is very controlling and is trying to limit her relationship with her family. Make sure she knows that you still love and support her regardless. That still doesn't help though because it is hurtful and you obviously want to see your grandchild. ?

MsAl Level 8 June 8, 2018
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Exact same things happen in Abusive Relationships. I think those with Narcissistic Tendencies often gravitate to religion as a means to validate the abuse or affirm their superiority to everyone else.

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I would point out that no one is fanatical about something that is not in doubt. (try shouting at her that the sun will rise tomorrow to illustrate). If they are so afraid of outside influences. What have they got to hide?
Promise not to talk about god or anything that will cause an argument,. Just keep it family

But they are forcing my other daughter (19, atheist) to to dance to their tune, essentially holding themselves and my grsndson hostage. The ransom is her going to church.

@Notlost I would stand well back. There is nothing like a reluctant or recalcitrant teenager to put a wrench in the works.

@273kelvin teen doesn't want to go. My eldest's husband made church attendance a condition of staying with them.

@Notlost Exactly, (I did hear what you said) thats why I said wait. She probably will be the catalyst for change. Teenagers will rail against sensible rules let alone nonsensical ones.

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I don’t believe forcing a person to church, works for changing a person’s beliefs! This is a hard call...this kind of restrictive behavior is not easily exposed to the people in it! I have some of that going on in my family and you almost have to love them ‘from afar!’ And, you can’t count on too much change over time! Maybe, some other thing or person, could help open them up to other ideas? Sometimes professional help will work!

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