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Should I go for full custody of my child?

My ex-wife, though we are not divorced yet even though she moved out and long story short tried to take me to the cleaners and steal our daughter away from me, is using our daughter as a tool against me. Though this is nothing new, she has always used our daughter as threat, as a weapon, and method of control.
But when she left she got a really shitty lawyer that even she didn't like, lucky for me. I was about to convince her to put our daughter first, I bought her a house and amongst everything else my lawyer advised me against, I give her money every month.
I did this because lawyers are insanely expensive and figured it was better to give money to her than a lawyer.

But in the two years since she left I have continually tried to work out a schedule that gives us equal time with the child and she constantly complains that I am trying to take more time while she insists on a schedule that gives her more time.
When ever I bring up the issue she gets cold and says "You need to get a judge to decide" rather than just working it out like rational people. Did I mention that one of the reasons she left me was because god gave her a hug and held her hand and indicated she should not stay with me? That's the rational I am dealing with.

So as much as I hate the idea of getting a lawyer again and paying thousands of dollars to do the rational thing, I am thinking to just take it a step further.
As much as I want my daughter to have equal time with both parents, while I take her to the park and zoos and museums and the pool and amusement parks and girl scouts and school activities and library events and pretty much anything to broaden her horizons, Her mother takes her to church and leaves her to watch YouTube as she either sleeps or prays. I'm not saying that is all she does but that is the bulk of it. I am constantly forcing my will as an advocate to my daughter while her mother seems to use denying these activities to our daughter as a way to get control.
I want what's best for my daughter and I don't want to take her away or have her spend less time with her mother but I want control over my daughters activities that will never fall within a tidy schedule.
Simple things like sighing her up for girl scouts or gymnastics or events at the school or library that I want her to attend are clarified as my time even though I encourage her mother to take her.

Am I wrong to want control so that my daughter doesn't miss out? Would being given full custody even give me that control? Is it worth the fight or should I just hope the time she is with me is enough to make her well rounded.

It is maddening to me watching the summer days go by knowing that on the days she is with her mother she is most likely sitting inside watching tv or youtube or being taken to chuch since her mother goes 5-6 times a week for hours at a time leaving our daughter watch her ipad there unless she finds a friend to play with. I take her to the pool or the park or leave her to play with friends when she is with me, that is when I am not taking her to some event or program or other activity.

I know others have been through this so I am asking for your 2 cents.

ThomasLevi 6 July 3
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34 comments

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1

You sound like the better parent, however not knowing the laws of your state it is difficult to know what the biases are. You should consult a lawyer again. But if the lawyer said it is doable, I'd want to do it.

Better parent is relative. I'm just the parent that doesn't use the child as tool to gain leverage and is more concerned with what the child wants rather than what I want.
So it that makes me the better parent... 😉

@Storybook Fortunately my situation isn't bad, just a pain in the ass. And seeing how much my daughter is missing out on because her mother is not only not involved but also blocks me from being more involved is making me nuts.

3

Getting full custody is really, really difficult these days. I didn't believe it but I certainly experienced it. Unless the other parent is basically shooting heroin in front of your kid, judges these days want both parents to have custody. That is true around here anyway. And it was a humbling and painful process to go through, especially to not succeed.

You can have a separation agreement put in place and if both parties are cooperative, it won't cost a fortune. Mediators are good for this kind of thing too.

Even with full custody, it does not necessarily take time away from the other parent. My goal was to have decision making authority without having to agree on anything with my ex, because he basically will fight anything I think is best for our kid (he is autistic so there are a lot of decisions we have to make for his care). My ex also wants to turn my son against me and my parents, just out of anger that I left and just to hurt me. He doesn't understand he's hurting his son.

This kind of stuff is tough.

Hihi Level 6 July 4, 2018

I agree, and I don't want full custody so much as majority custody. I just wish there was a way to do it without a hundred thousand dollar legal battle. I'm just tired of her constantly saying "You need to have the court decide" when I am already pretty sure what the court will decide. I don't want to take time away from her I'm just tired of her using me wanting what's best for our daughter as leverage against me.

0

No. You type too much. I have full custody of mine and I didn’t do shit.

Word

Look above...look below at all those long dragged out answers. This was easy to type. And I won. Lessons learned.

3

It's a difficult story. Especially since there are always two perspectives. Does your daughter want to live with Dad? That would probably work in your favor if she does. My understanding is that you not paying child support through a court system puts you at a huge disadvantage. So much so that if you take your wife to court and sue for custody, you may be required to pay "back pay" because whatever this-and-thats in financial support you've provided, potentially don't amount to anything unless documented, stamped, accepted, and approved by a judge. Many non custodial parents believe its cheaper and less hassle to simply have an agreement with the custodial parent, until a situation like the one you've described here happens. Also this: When your daughter is with her mother, she is the parent for that time period. And her values and beliefs will be part of the household she keeps. You don't have control. It's the same when your child is with you. Wanting control isn't a very healthy reason to want custody. But if you truly believe yourself just as competent and loving, and if you think it's a benefit and enhancement to the well being of your daughter because you care, I'd fight for custody. I hope for the best outcome for the three of you.

2

You should do what's best for your daughter. And based on your description, it's not even a close contest.

3

You are in a sad spot. Your daughter will have two homes now, that looks pretty certain from your info. I am wondering if it does make good sense for you to get an attorney since you are not divorced. Nothing is settled and moving toward an adjustment out of the marriage. If you get an attorney, you can request a certain amount of time with your daughter. On worrying about what is taking place at your ex’s house, concerning your daughter, I would try and stay away from that worry! I would take in information that your child might report, but I would not interrogat her. If your child has an attentive, loving father that is interested in her...that will be enough on your part! When possible you could try to communicate with your ex, on things about your daughter, but don’t stake your hopes on too much at the moment! Focus on being the best dad that you be for your daughter! Your ex, may have some growing up of her own to do! Try and shift any fear, to a belief that ‘life’ works out everywhere...just not always in a straight line and at the very least don’t undermine your ex in any way. But having some clear boundaries is better for parents and child.

1

Decide w h at is best for the child and fight like he'll for it.

0

Sorry you married a psycho

Not a psycho, just a religious nut who had terrible parental roll models and no desire to do a better job than what she grew up with. I had great parents and still want to do a better job than they did.

1

Write everything down get evidence of what she is doing . Take the rose tinted glasses off . She is not abusing the child but it can be argued she is neglecting her basic needs . Get a lawyer that knows marriage law or find a charity that gives advice . It's gonna get nasty try and be polite and respectful and keep your cool it will not be easy .

1

The unfortunate thing is that if you go full custody you will need a lawyer anyway. There are tricks and loopholes that the average person isn't aware of and that a person representing himself might be too close to in order to see even if they do know there are loopholes. The courts tend to still favor the mother, especially in younger children so unless she's doing something abusive or honestly neglectful, they might not give you full custody. However if you are just looking for equal time because she's being controlling and erratic with your time, you might have a case... especially if you have already agreed on joint parenting. You will have to record all your time and keep it as precise as you can. Have witnesses, friends and family members who can confirm things should also be worked out. The more clear you are the more likely you will be able to settle this with a judge on board.

For the record, no, I don't think you are wrong.

AmyLF Level 7 July 4, 2018
0

I think the best thing for a child is to have 50/50 time with both parents. (unless one parent is doing illegal drugs or putting the child in harm in anyway) And that is how the court sees it as well. Quite frankly what she does at her moms is none of your concern, you can only be a super dad and try to make up for while she is with you. I guarantee your soon to be ex thinks she is doing right by your daughter giving her a religious upbringing! In the future your daughter will have both options to choose from- whichever way comforts her more in her adult life. It doesn’t matter our opinions of our ex’s choices in life, it will only make you crazy & unhappy if you obsess over it! I’ve been divorced 8 years with 50/50 custody and it took me a long time to learn this lesson. Just be the best you can be when she is with you. Teach her, talk to her and love her to pieces.

1

In most states you do not need a lawyer torequest visitation, it is considered a Right and in the best interest of the child. Furthermore, established times/places keeps the peace and is good for all of you.
If you want full custody you need not only a lawyer but to document weirdness...a simple notebook with dates/times, a sentence of detail will be thrilling to whomever you hire!

2

I would talk to an attorney about full custody and what your chances may be. If they say you probably won’t get it, I would still hire someone to at least get legal and physical 50/50 so she can’t keep getting more time with your daughter.

Your ex is obviously not rational. You did your best to work with her and compromise. She’s not reciprocating the courtesy....time to make it legal.

Best of luck to you and your daughter!

0

So long as you continue to focus on your child and the best interest of your child you will do the right thing. I i don't know how old your kid is but since you wrote that the separation began 2 years ago in guessing the kid is older than 3 years old. If the kid is 7 years old or older you can have an idea of how what has already has happened has been effecting him/her. Some kids are really effected by the back and forth and others kind of enjoy it. Each separation is different between separating spouses and each kid processes it a little differently depending on the relationship the child feels they have with each parent and how relevant they have been made to feel in the entire mix. I wish all involved the best outcome possible.

0

So long as you continue to focus on your child and the best interest of your child you will do the right thing. I i don't know how old your kid is but since you wrote that the separation began 2 years ago in guessing the kid is older than 3 years old. If the kid is 7 years old or older you can have an idea of how what has already has happened has been effecting him/her. Some kids are really effected by the back and forth and others kind of enjoy it. Each separation is different between separating spouses and each kid processes it a little differently depending on the relationship the child feels they have with each parent and how relevant they have been made to feel in the entire mix. I wish all involved the best outcome possible.

0

Should we assume that the estrangement between you and your wife has something to do with the difference in your religious orientation? I would offer that you seek out a process called a "Circle of Trust" (http://www.couragerenewal.org/approach/) Also, <iframe width="100%" height="166" scrolling="no" frameborder="no" src="[w.soundcloud.com];

0

Did you ever thing your ex wife might be doing more at home then you give her credit for doing?
Did you ever stop to think that your ex wife might be suffering from depression? Your daughter is not void of emotions. She will worry about her mother and miss her mother. Activities and distractions are not a substitute for her mother.
You haven't said one flattering comment about your ex wife. You did say some flattering things about yourself. You bought her a house. Well she gave you a baby. You don't hear her reminding you of that ever chance she gets do you?
Showing respect towards your daughter mother will prove more beneficial in your daughters life then a day at the library.
I suggest going back to the drawing board and start co parenting in a more humane way.
I don't mean to be disrespectful but merely present some hard truth.

0

Single father here. I had joint custody for most of the time my kids were growing up. My ex-wife had primary custody of both kids at first, but my daughter came to live with me shortly after the divorce.

I made a big mistake accepting the custody arrangement as their mother's only interest was in collecting child support, and she played the system really well to make sure that her reported income was far lower than mine.

At any rate, what I'm getting at is that that initial investment in a lawyer would have saved me on $4,000 - 10,000 per year over 12 years. Obviously, the benefit to my kids would have been more important, but the money you spend on a lawyer is more of an investment in your child than an expenditure.

JimG Level 8 July 4, 2018
0

Go for it! Your daughter deserves the better life.

0

No special knowledge here, but church going and prayers are a big plus in many cases and her lawyers will make her look a saint and make you look a risk.
Hire a lawyer to enforce 50/50 visitation rights, keep the narrative of putting the child and mother first and keep looking reasonable. Document the time and activity you have and do with your child. If she violates the agreement, serve her. Communication by lawyer only. Be patient- give your child quality experience and education and let her mother, mother the way she does. The child will choose you as the main carer, when they are older. Never speak badly of the mother in front of the child. The mother will appear unreasonable and unkind - document everything negative she tells your child about you. This will all help if you then move to the next step of full custody.

Livia Level 6 July 4, 2018
0

No special knowledge here, but church going and prayers are a big plus in many cases and her lawyers will make her look a saint and make you look a risk.
Hire a lawyer to enforce 50/50 visitation rights, keep the narrative of putting the child and mother first and keep looking reasonable. Document the time and activity you have and do with your child. If she violates the agreement, serve her. Communication by lawyer only. Be patient- give your child quality experience and education and let her mother, mother the way she does. The child will choose you as the main carer, when they are older. Never speak badly of the mother in front of the child. The mother will appear unreasonable and unkind - document everything negative she tells your child about you. This will all help if you then move to the next step of full custody.

Livia Level 6 July 4, 2018
1

First and fore most I would deffinetly speak with a lawyer, most will give a free consult and a little advice.

I have gone through and am going through some of the same stuff, and honestly having representation has saved a lot of headaches. When she tries to pull some crap you can always revert to the paremting plan, and if she continues she can be found in contempt of court.

My advice when dealing with stuff like this is always cover your butt legally. And no you are never selfish for wanting what is best for your child.

1

Why do you even have to ask?

1

My girls were adults when their dad and I divorced, so I can’t address the custody issue. I am, however, a cheerleader for the collaborative divorce process. It’s far cheaper than litigation and the focus is on preserving respectful relationships among the divorcing partners. It will only be an option for you if your state allows it and if she is willing to agree not to go to court.

UUNJ Level 8 July 4, 2018

While I would normally agree, in trying to read between the lines here, it sounds like Mom left Dad in the first place, and is using /daughter to take out some of her residual anger on him, so I wouldn't expect too much true collaboration here. Of course, I could be wrong.)

@ThinkKate Agreed, which is why that last phrase is there.

2

How old is your daughter and what does she want? I started as a weekend only dad and the kids eventually (quickly actually) extended that to Thursday night to Monday morning. Both moved in with me full time as soon as they were old enough for after school jobs (I lived in a town with work within walking distancess, she lived in the boonies)Which they wanted.Ifyou daughter is over 12, I'd wager any Court decision would depend on what she wanted, safety etc., being equal. Twothings to remember -neither of you can win by forcing her to do what she doesn't want to andas nice as parks/zoos etc. are you'regoing to end up doing a lot fo at home parenting. Finally, never bad mouth her mother in front of her. Ever.

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