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Sexual Compatibility - How better to phrase it?

Am I the only one who thinks that the profile question "Is sexual compatibility important to you?" is not asking the right question? I think that the only people to whom sexual compatibility is not important are people that are inexperienced in matters of long term love, or those who are either oblivious or uncaring about the damage that it causes when sexual incompatibility exists. I think that the real question is "Do you have a high, moderate or a low drive?" After all, if both people have the same drive, they will be much happier in the long run. I know that drives can be affected by emotional issues within the relationship, but that exception aside, what are your thoughts?

Addendum:
Relationships are complicated, no matter how you look at them. They are 2 or more people choosing to remain in communication with one another for some purpose. Add into that connection an agreement that the relationship is of a sexual or romantic nature and it gets more complicated. I know that building a happy, healthy relationship requires work, compromise and respect between its members. My question is targeted solely towards a better way of communicating sexual compatibility. When I wrote this question, I wasn't even thinking about compatibility of tastes, and I appreciate the broadening of the issue - because yes, same drive, different pleasures can also make a huge difference in how you relate sexually and the impact it has on a relationship.

That said, my question still remains the same, for those that agree with me that the question could be better phrased: What would be a better question? Obviously, once you start talking to someone and trust them, you will get more specific - but what is a good starter question, for those who choose to answer it?

FlippantLlama 8 July 8
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58 comments

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0

I like the suggestion below. Is sex and sexuality an important issue for you? Answers: Often, Sometimes or Never.

1

Is sexual chemistry's important to you?
How important is sex to you in a relationship.

Just want to say, very well written, and intuitive. Maybe you should write these things.

1

You have to understand methods of thinking for this. Imagine a woman naked and drunk high on a balcony and a man sees her. Immediately he calls his friends over and says "look at this." They all smile and are happy.

Now switch that scene and it is a naked man drunk high on the balcony. The woman that called the police told them "it was just awful and I could hardly look." She was in tears as she talked to them.

Apply this to sexual compatibility.

4

Why not find out by trial and error? Don't make babies and don't spread disease, of course. For everything else, there are sensiblle solutions.

2

After 39 years of marriage sexual incompatibility was a huge ticking time bomb. It exploded recently and the damage was horrendous.

2

After two marriages, I don't know what I value more, friendship without sex, or sex without friendship. I don't believe I'm long term relation material, based on the history. I guess the things that are important to me in life are often not shared, and that's alright. But it does mean that I'm not going to invest in love anymore, or even believe in it, but I will and do in friendship. Compatible friends. I can care less if we are sexually compatible. I rather have a long term friend, with or without a sexual relationship. I can live to be a 100 without ever having sex again and still have a good life. I would not make this without people in my life whom I care about, that I enjoy connecting to and hang out with.

0

That would be a more useful question.

One of the few things I liked about OK Cupid was the various questions that you could read (if people answered them, anyway) and see if a potential match was into similar things. Assuming they were honest, anyway. And the people who didn't answer any of them... I tended to avoid, because I'm not shy about those questions. Not after the first date anyway.

Hell, I met my first girlfriend at an Xmas party by asking, in a bored moment, "So.... you into leather?" By the end of the party we were necking on the sofa. So, yeah, not shy about those questions.

1

I think you have stated the issue quite adroitly. I concur, the question is the compatibility of the sexual drive for each individual in the relationship.

t1nick Level 8 July 22, 2018
1

Compatibility and drive can be two different topics completely. Drive doesn't have much to do with proclivities.Why not ask both?

4

Guess I'll be the old fashioned person here. I'd like to get to know someone a bit, like probably in person, before discussing sexual preferences. I mean, seriously, I'd like to find out if someone is compatible in so many ways that can only be determined by getting to know someone. If the chemistry is there, the sexual compatibility will be there. I've never thought that choosing a mate should be like checking off a list of qualities and activities. Of course that is the real problem with online dating. It's an attempted shortcut that can never really substitute for actually getting to know someone. I understand that it is difficult to make connections in this day and age, particularly for the agnostic community and especially for us older folks, so we do use online, but still, it is very limited. What I like about this site is that there seem to be avenues to get to know people.

I also have trouble with the question about sex in the activities section. If I list sex as a hobby, does that mean I am interested in hanging out at sex clubs or interested in screwing a new guy a week? If it is in reference to relationships, then it needn't be there since (as someone else put it) duh, most everyone is interested in sex within the context of a relationship. If someone holds an extreme position on sex, maybe they should just mention it in their profile.

You would think that most everyone was interested in that. You would be wrong. This is one of the many reasons I ended up divorced. I listed it as an interest just to make sure people know where I stand.

@Paul4747 So where do you stand? Is sex like a hobby for you?

@itsmedammit
It's definitely something I need in a relationship. If I'm not in a relationship, I do without, but it's on my mind that I'm doing without. Worst of all was being in a marriage and doing without, because my ex, after 10 years, plainly said she had no interest whatsoever in sex anymore. But she would lay down for me whenever I wanted, which was... depressing. She would let me "have my way" out of obligation, because I was the husband, was the message that came across. I became depressed and eventually more or less impotent because my wife wanted nothing to do with me physically. Not just sex, almost any form of physical affection other than a ritual goodnight kiss.

So where I stand is that anyone interested in me needs to know that I consider sexuality and physical closeness a vital part of a relationship. I might as well get that out front, I figured.

@Paul4747 I wonder if the lack of interest in sex is more a symptom of no longer being interested in the relationship, rather than just a lack of interest in sex. Sounds like what happens in a lot of marriages, when either partner checks out emotionally. Sorry you went through that.

What I was getting at was when someone lists sex as an interest or vice, whatever, it sounds to me more like a hobby, like maybe the person hangs out in sex clubs or whatever.

@itsmedammit Thank you. I think in retrospect we weren't compatible to begin with, she's from a very traditional religious family and at a certain point I think she felt a wife becomes a "mother" and that's when those kind of goings-on are supposed to stop. She was a homemaker and mother and companion, but no longer a lover.

I saw what you were getting at, hopefully you understand what I mean when I say it's probably not at all like that for most people. Simply stating that sex is an important part of life and explicitly something we expect in a relationship. I think that's why most people who check that box do so, it's certainly my reason.

@Paul4747 Thanks for your explanation.

4

After I was married for 27 years. You get busy and forget to make time. In my next chapter it is very important to have that chemistry and not loose it!!

Rose2U Level 7 July 22, 2018
3

I wonder how I stayed with someone for 20yrs without compatibility. Feel like I’ve wasted a large part of my life but then, I do have great kids from it I suppose.

antman Level 7 July 22, 2018
3

If she doesn't like me wearing my Batman outfit in bed we're not compatible 🙂

ipdg77 Level 8 July 21, 2018

Got your type right here...

1

If she doesn't like me wearing my Batman outfit in bed we're not compatible 🙂

ipdg77 Level 8 July 21, 2018

Just watch out for the fucking ceiling fan and make sure she can get the cuffs off in an emergency.

2

How you are in bed is often a reflection of the person you are with.

1

When two partners have similar drives it makes life very fulfilling and beautiful between two adults. I love that Dan and I are evenly matched.

2

For me it's critical to a good relationship

1

I think sexual compatibility works. It has a broad description made of of many factors so while it isn't specific it still is applicable. Unfortunately the only way to know whether you have that with someone is by doing it. I think it is a pretty critical component of a relationship. If that part works well alot of other problems are not very important, therefore, being easier to resolve or ignore completely.

3

We are all adults here. Maybe even getting the word intimacy listed somehow which is on another level of Physical Connection.

1

I prefer the phrase 'physical chemistry' or I suppose 'physical attraction' works as well.

I also feel it important to note that there are people who identify as asexual, people with diminished sex drive due to a disorder (or its treatment) and I expect sexual compatibility is either a null-sum issue or is of very low priority.

Upon review I must revise my statement. Does being asexual or possessing a very low libido and preferring the same in your partner classify as 'sexual compatibility' or is the centering on the absence of sex make it no longer sexual compatibility?

4

is your Kinky Syncy?

You are a beautiful human bean!

@OpposingOpposum wow. thanks. you're gonna ruin my reputation...lol ?

2

I agree. The question "Is sexual compatibility important to you?" is pretty vague.~

JynxQi Level 4 July 10, 2018
3

I think the question should be "How flexible are you in your own sexual practices in being able to meet a potential partner's needs?" As you indicated, most people want sexual compatibility. But the real question is how far are you willing to go in order to achieve "compatibility"? One might have never experienced anything other than missionary sex which on the face of it could lead a potential partner who has been down the BDSM road to think that there is no chance for compatibility. Knowing how "adventurous" a potential partner might be is much more informative than just comparing compatibility or drive levels.

Perhaps it should be something like "Rate yourself on these three aspects of sex on a scale of 1 to 10. How adventurous do you think you are?, How high is your sex drive?, How important is emotional intimacy to your desire for sexual relations?"

I think this would make a much better starting point for the discussion about compatibility.

3

The perfect question would look something like the following, with the understanding and acceptance that confidentiality can't be guaranteed on the internet:

Being as specific as possible,

  1. Are you interested in having casual sexual affairs? If no, move on to question #2. If yes, are your criteria for a satisfying long term, sexual partner different from your ideal casual sexual partners?

  2. What would you expect sexually and sensually from the ideal, long-term sexual partner?

  3. What would you be prepared to do to satisfy your partner's long-term sensual and/or sexual needs?

My view is that this isn't nor can it be sexual therapy. Secondly, i feel that important issues and questions with any partner, sexual, sensual, emotional, or logistical are best dealt with face to face, and on an ongoing basis.

Since change is the only constant in our universe, people will and do change so if you want to be in synch with a partner, you better to be prepared to accept that sexual compatibility, among other things, must be part of many such conversations.

2

I think it was perfect as it opened a dialogue that sparked thought and and an exchange of views. I love hearing all the differences and things in common we have in this group. I think everyone wants to be happy and experience love. I really appreciate your question- it was perfect as it started the conversation. Which created more connection and understanding about each other.

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