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Is there a tactful way to let the Ex know you're dating? :|

So... this has been bugging me a little lately...

I've had several talks over the last year, since the divorce, with my daughter, and she's pretty well reconciled with the idea that, Yeah, Dad is going on dates again. Dad is seeking female companionship, of the ladylike variety, with women, is the general idea that came across. (Didn't come right out and say "Dad's hoping to have sex again soon", but she watches TV, she knows in a general way what goes on, she's 14...)

But here's the thing... is there a way to tell my ex, with whom I'm still cordial and friendly for our daughter's sake, that I'm dating? Inevitably it's going to come up. Inevitably there will be hurt feelings. How do I minimize them? Do I even try?

The issue being that we have a sort of set schedule for when our daughter visits me, and if that changes, it may beg the question of what's happened. That's the reason. She's not stupid, she can probably figure it out, but will she feel worse if I don't tell her, or if I do?

Paul4747 8 July 24
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39 comments (26 - 39)

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1

I wouldn't worry about your EX, she is EX for reasons. Important to have your daughter on board about it and talk to her first. This will save hurt feelings later.

arnies Level 7 July 24, 2018
1

unless there are unresolved issues i doubt your ex will be expecting you to lead a monastic life your daughter is the only one you would have to protect in such a situation does your ex keep you informed of her dating life? if so just follow her example

weeman Level 7 July 24, 2018
0

The kid already told the ex. No worries! 😀

0

I'm a bit confused as to whether it's your ex or your daughter you're most concerned about. At any rate, is it really any of your exes business if you date other people, other than how it may affect your custody arrangement?

0

Why should she care if you are dating? What a strange question.

0

If you figure it out let me know 😉

I don't think so. However they didn't want to make you happy or couldn't so they have to accept that at some point you might move on. I wish I had a great way to do that (or a reason to even) but I am not sure there is an easy or tactful way. I think just being honest with her and your new flame about responsibilities you have. I mean it is up to you guys to find a fair and equitable arrangement and what should be "special" circumstances to cancel because they may want to plan things too

I have discussed with the ex and basically told her I don't need to know or even really want to know so I am hoping she feels the same way. We live in separate areas across the country and have no kids or shared responsibilities though so it is much easier for us to just fade out of the others life

0

I just let my daughter make it known. But then my ex wife broke up with me and got with someone else fairly quickly so I didn't feel I had to do anything really tbh

0

With me, when we (my new dating interest and I) posted pictures of outings on facebook, the cat was out of the bag. My kids were older at that time (18 and 24), and they told my ex also. I was and still am on good terms with my ex, even though the dating relationship fizzled out. Nobody's feelings were hurt. YMMV, but if you feel like you should tell her, tell her.

zeuser Level 9 July 24, 2018

And that's why I stay away from facebook...

@Paul4747 Well, I wasn't trying to hide it either. But facebook does have its drawbacks, no argument there.

0

My money says get in early -maybe before it even happens. Who knows, she may even be relieved. Once you start sneaking about it can all get very complicated and messy. No need to go into the gory details with her but don't hide it from either her or your daughter. I'd keep the new date and daughter apart though at least U ntill you've an idea of wether it's going somewhere.

JimmyM Level 7 July 24, 2018
0

The less the Ex knowns the better. Unless you still have a strong bond in friendship, than likely she won't screw for money.

0

She is your ex why would you even care? Does the fact that your relationship failed require you to live celibate for the rest of your life does she expect that you do? Does she tell you that she is dating and does it matter to you if she is?
The only part of each other's lives you need to be sharing is raising and the well being of your daughter. If that is not where it ends then you have a lot of unclaimed baggage.

0

I totally get this dilemma. It’s as if you were pretty sure we all “moved on” and there was closure. But this is now the double check mate, an added thing. My guess is to address it only when it’s pragmatic. No need to remind ourselves of a failed thing we put our hearts into, when we don’t have to.

Josh87 Level 4 July 24, 2018
0

Fix your ex up with a friend (or an enemy, if it's a forced cordial), then she can't really say anything.

Ozman Level 7 July 24, 2018
0

Without knowing the circumstances of how you became exes, this isn't something you really NEED to tell her unless you want to have a conversation about how you'll manage your dating around your daughter. That may be a non-issue as well since your daughter seems to have reconciled the situation. When and how you expose your daughter to your potential partners might be something to consider. It all depends on the relationship you have with both your daughter and your ex. There's no rulebook here. You're not on a mission to hurt the ex, nor should she be hurt by your desire to meet someone since your romantic relationship with her is ended. Hope this helps.

That is exactly the issue, though, how to manage time around our daughter and who's taking her where and when. Visiting schedules etc. It will have to be played by ear when the time comes.

We are Groot.

@KissedbySun Yep! Daughter is Priority 1.

@KissedbySun If it were up to her, I would have no free time. I can't wait 4 years. She understands, we've had this conversation.

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