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How do you deal with Door-knockers?

Whether they be Witnesses, Mormons, or another proselytizing religion, how do you deal with people coming to your door to spread their religion?
I just had my first experience since getting a place of my own and had a decent conversation through the crack in my door. After I told him I was an atheist he tried to use apologetics; when I told him I was familiar with his arguments and didn't find them convincing further explaining that I take a scientific route of belief and chose not to believe until there is evidence for a god. He understood and thanked me for explaining and listening to him and he left with a handshake. I was surprised at myself for how civil I was to him but how does everyone else usually respond?

Nicsnort 6 Oct 14
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783 comments

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121

It hasn't happened to me yet. But if they come to my place, I plan to open the door wearing nothing but my bra and undies and a satanic cross necklace. Then ask "are you the escort/prostitute I sent for?"

Then watch them scurry away. XD

I know I'm terrible. 😛

BLennon Level 3 Oct 22, 2017

LMFAO!

lol

I can only hope on that day I'll be walking by with my rubber goat head and robes on so I can shout back "I'm going to pick them up right now. Keep those two entertained until we get back!" lol

Forget the Satanic Cross. Bra and undies should do the trick.

many many many years ago, I had a friend chicken blood and craft feathers on his arms and face before he answered the door...he asked if they were there to deliver the sacrificial goat and that they were welcome to stay for orgy

Thanks for that laugh, I might have cracked a rib.

That is hilarious!

LOL!!

No no no. You should open the door naked. If you're going to make a point do it right!

My uncle saw two JWs knocking on doors on his street many years ago. A woman in her 50s and a girl of maybe 20 popped up on his porch and before they could say anything he opened his door and said, "Come in gals. The old lady is gone and we can have a good time." They took off in great haste.

@Diarmaede very cute

heh heh
This happened all the time on my mission for the LDS church.

Too funny! As are a number of the3 comments below! LMAOtoo

@tioteo haha

Bra and undies? Give them the full month! You'll be glad you did.

I actually used to open the door on Saturday mornings to find a group of Jehovah's Witnesses. Generally it was a group of women and of course I would open the door while Stark naked with warm beer in one hand and a cold Pizza in the other. I would invite them in,and of course, they would decline and avert their eyes but naturally, they did so after checking out the package.... The funniest thing to me, was that each time they would stay gone for 2 weeks or so and then they would come back with a new group of women but always there was that same matriarch that seemed to take some strange Glee in getting her flock to parade to my door. Go figure

Awesomeness!!

Haha.. That's awesome. Or put red food dye on some old sweats, mess up your hair, and rip your shirt, and answer the door, "Oh good you're here. I've cleaned up most of the blood. Did you bring the bleach?"

My rates are very reasonable luv!

@ciscokidd Hilarious!!!

now i know where that door is i want to knock on!!

You need a little time to get ready, this would be great, they will pray for you for a ;long time. Wish I was this creative. Youmade me laugh, Thanks.

Faster way is just wear the cross and skip the bra and panties.

@Simply_Being that's probably as much action as they'll ever get! Hahaha!

@Nutmeg4381 Honestly.... if I'm looking for a long-term relationship it's really hard to find a decent person. If I'm looking just for some Tramp that puts out for the price of dinner and a couple of drinks, well of course I will go straight to church. Lol. This is the honest truth and I have a theory... I think those that are most repressed are those who will more quickly throw off their shackles at the slightest hint of freedom....

Hey! Where do you live?! I have a couple of “watchtower” magazines. I would love to knock on your door!! : p

I once wrapped myself in a black sheet (I was doing laundry, it was handy), greeted them in Arabic, and watched them scurry. But I didn't feel like talking that day.

I've also invited them in for tea and shown them I know their scriptures better, and in more languages, than they do. I think they find that extremely annoying.

It might chase them away or it might persuade a few of them to become atheists. It could go either way

Forget the bra and undies! Just the satanic cross

I'll be at your door shortly ... is there a good time to catch you in said attire ... as well would it be to forward of me to respond ... well yes I am ...lol!

Answering the door in your bra and panties? What's your address? Asking for a friend...

your assumption that they scurry away may be flawed...i know, in a previous lifetime I was a Mormon missionary...

Where do you live? I'll come by and try to convert you to a Boston Bruins fan.

@Simply_Being I was raised a JW they do that till you say please don’t come back then they write you don’t as a do not call .

They came to my door once, and I opened it and was nude. Lol

@ciscokidd Lmao

Could we meet soon

@Dwight

I'm grabbing a bible and I will be right over!

@TaraMarshall Very funny!
Research has shown Agnostics and Atheists know more about religion than fundamentalists do.

(takes up new hobby proselytizing in hopes of this situation)

that was freaking hilarious

19

I try to be nice cause I am a door knocker myself-as a campaign volunteer for the Democratic Party I do neighborhood canvassing.....People are usually pretty nice-but not everyone is....I try to be nice to everyone who knocks on my door.....I don't like being hateful or people being hateful to me

Mate u tell me that most people are polite but u chose not to be!! Nobody wants doorknockers no matter ur reason its a kindness to you alone not ur org to hear your pitch... But lets be clear your rude for thinking anyone has any reason or obligation to treat you with much respect when you trespass into their home space ... You come to my door you are diminishing my personal space and i tell u to leave right away and not afraid to remove u immediately given the need/want and without warning since u have trespassed to make it to my door !

Dunno what's up with Xander. He seems to have a caps lock issue. Never mind mate, someone has to get the word out that democracy is still alive in these dark days and you are right, no need to be nasty to the misguided.

Xander you are obviously seriously ill to reply like that......Therefore please try to restrain yourself from commenting on anymore of my posts cause you are way beyond my help....Try a psychiatrist...

listen mate i probably do but that's besides the point!
if im home im home leave me be!!
and if you want to say something about this BS we keep calling democracy a system that works then i think u need to see a psychiatrist!!! capitalist's in disguise ! a truly free and equal system would see most of us if not all of us on completely equal ground on works hours effort and reward! a tangent point but yeah!

@Xander. Put a "no solicitors" sign on your door, problem solved. o_O Geez...

That’s funny - I am much more likely to take a survey now that I collect survey data!

After reading some of the answers, I would advise all to check your local laws. While you can expect solicitors to be 'run off' by No Soliciting signs, religious reps are exempt from compliance. Threatening them may land you in jail. Yeah, unfortunately we do live in a budding theocracy.

Treating others as you would like others to treat you is a fair policy. Mutual respect goes a long way. However, this assumes that they in fact respect you and your right to hold your own beliefs without having to defend them.

@VirginiaMan65 Just cause it's funny - I read your name as "Virgin Man" and thought "Gee that's a good hook!". 😉 My monthly dyslexia just kicked in.

@Qualia THat doesn't work.

😟 @CGDEvermond It does in my city, with one exception & she got the cops called on her anyway for harrassment & threats to my dog for pushing his head through the screen to yell at her! . All our friends know to call or txt first.
In our case it was an Xfinity sales lady that thought the "no solicitors" sign was optional. She was wrong enough to get a complaint to her employer & a visit from the cops.

@zucicciu You can threaten them on your own property, but it's not advisable to do it in public.

36

I have often let them in and engaged them in a long protracted theological dialogue. Not that there is usualy any point to considering their apologetics with a view to converting and least of all because there is much (if any) hope of de-converting the deluded theist, but rather that I consider it a community service to take them of the street for an hour or two. The longer I (a seasoned atheist - immune to their proselytizing) can spend engaging them in discussion the fewer other poor souls might be wasted to their delusional ideology. It's not exactly heroic, but it does give me a little buzz, like giving blood, or tipping a busker.

Haha community service! I love it lol

That's also how I used to handle telemarketers

You know you are doing it right when one of them decides they have to go. The "Problem of Evil" and the circularity of the "Teleological Argument" are always good places to start. Live in a small town now so can't have as much fun, you can't wind somebody up then get them to fix your car the next day.

I do the same with street preachers at every opportunity. The longer they're talking to me, the less time they're brainwashing someone more gullible.

@Kimba Oh, them wanting to go is only the start! At that point the trick is to lure them down as many rabbit holes as possible until they're practically begging to leave.

11

They are usually fairly easy-going and will leave if you politely tell them you aren't interested. You might have to say it a few times though. I did get to have a fascinating discussion with some Mormon boys about the philosophies of non-duality once. I could tell one of them was really interested. Hopefully I planted a few seeds of independent thought.

Next time the Mormons come around, ask them if they know that the mormon church didn't accept African Americans as converts until 1970ish. Before then, the church taught that black people couldn't be saved, were the descendants of the angels who rebelled in heaven and were "cursed" with dark skin.

That will make things extremely awkward, but should help them think too.

Yeah, i've heard about that, that our skin is brown because the evil of Satan basically burned our skin. LOL! It would be funny if i didn't know a lot of people still believe that stuff.

I only say it once-with styleLOL

Good for you, well done.

26

Hi. I might sound mean, but i think life is too short not to have a good laugh.
About 2 years ago it happened to me, i was coming back from a walk with my dogs and saw door-knockers were coming, so i had time to prepare.
I found an old necronomicom look alike book i had when a was a teen, and when they came,i smiled weirdly, book in my hand and i gave them the classic " Hi ! Im a agent of Satan, but my duties are mostly ceremonials. What blood type are you guys ? Wanna come in ? "
About 5 seconds of silence later, they thank me for my time and left. I told them they can come back anytime.Never heard of them again. Kind of miss them

Love it!

lol

Ramen!

23

I bought a satanic-looking gargoyle and placed it in the window next to my front door. Never had a problem after that.

Or maybe this

I have actually thought of getting something like that.

I have a little concrete Buddah on my front doorstep, they still come!

12

The last one that came was a Witness. I told him before he started that I am an atheist. He asked me how I thought we were"created". I said that we weren't created, we simply live on a Goldilocks planet - not too cold or too hot and there was the right combination of vegetation et al to support us. As to why that was, well simply put it is just serendipitous. He was stumped as to what to say to that and told me to have a nice day.

As I used to be a Witness they seldom come to the door but sometimes they don’t know the house. The last time, I was not in the best mood so I simply explained that I was an atheist and I didn’t believe the Bible was in any way inspired or worthy of reverence. To make their point they started reading from the Bible. DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING I SAID? HAVE YOU GOT SHIT IN YOUR EARS OR IS IT IN YOUR BRAIN. Slam, bang thank you man, they were gone.

@gearl lmfao

@gearl Sad thing now about JWs is that now they're suiting up little boys, handing them a briefcase and sending THEM to the doors (as the adults watch at a safe distance). This happened to me once, I listened politely to the child's spiel, and then asked him where his parents were. He pointed to the street, and as I walked down to them, the adults smiled triumphantly, thinking they'd caught a convert. I proceeded to chew them out for sending children. "Do you realize there are 14 registered child molesters within a 9 mile radius? (TRUE) Probably not, or you wouldn't have put your child in peril. I could've grabbed him, forced him inside and slit his throat faster than you could have saved him," I said. "Apparently, you don't value your children much. Quit USING THEM." They apologized and I've never had another call since.

@Lewellyn3 wow. People are so dumb. I will keep this story in mind though. I may borrow it if I ever see any of that around me

17

Apparently I'm not as nice as you. I tell them that I worship god by having sex. Then I ask them to come into the bedroom to pray. They usually reach their car before their own shadow.

I wish I had thought of this reply! Mind if I use it? Lol

haha

Hahaha good one!

3

A friend of mine who lives in the South had the best answer. He said some Johovas Witnesses came bashing on his door. He said "good thing you came. we are ready for sacrifice, and all out of virgins". They ran! I point to the "NO SOLICITING" sign on my door, and slam it in their face. Look up Joe Safran door-to-door Atheist. I'm new here, and I assume swearing is frowned upon, or I'd post the link. It's true.

Why the fuck would you assume swearing is frowned upon? Unless you mean earnestly swearing in on a bible I’m sure none of us gives a rusty fuck or a good goddamn.

@Wurlitzer One time on here someone posted about just meeting the love of his life. I said something like "I don't want to piss in your pocket, but most relationships start off with puppy love that wears off". This guy got offended because I said that one word! He asked me to edit it. If there was a problem, admin should have told me.

@TheGreatShadow you’re shittin me ? piss? If you edited it for him you’re a more patient man than I. If there actually was a problem I’m sure admin would tell ya indeed. I’m not aware of any censorship rules on the site although I haven’t gone looking. I figured it was pretty obvious we’re all adults here and even borderline hate speech has been allowed to an extent as far as I’ve seen. Im sure we’re prob not supposed to sell anything or harass anyone directly but pretty much anything you wanna say in general is fair game as far as I’m concerned. But then again you can add “as far as I’m concerned” or “for all I care” to the end of any statement and make it true. So take that for what it’s worth.

@Wurlitzer No I didn't edit or delete it. I did shortly after get two messages saying rules about having a post blocked or deleted. I asked what it was about. Said they couldn't find anything. Don't know.

2

This is a COP OUT but it's what I do. I have a crucifix hanging on the wall facing the front door. It is put there for the very purpose of reference to any proselytizing faction of Christianity or (insert belief here). My immediate family knows I don't revere it's meaning in the traditional sense, but it keeps me from having to say more than, "sorry, we are devout catholics" (which we aren't) and ending the process there. In my experience, Catholics never go door to door, so no one ever calls me on it.

I might have to try that. Except I’ll be honest and say as I point to it, sorry but I’m in favor of violent ends for know it alls. That should work right?

@Wurlitzer --Might put you on some registry that keeps them off your stoop, worth a try.

When one of the JW's asked me if I had been raised in any religion and I replied "Catholic"....she leaned over to her companion and said ....that's why she's an atheist. I laughed all morning.

3

Back in the early '80s, when I was a crackhead, I had a couple of JWs that used to come by on Saturday mornings. I got tired of it and answered the door naked. Problem solved. In all fairness, almost everything in my apartment was done naked at that time.

Fun fact; in the early '90s, when I married a bank robber, I used the same tactic to discourage the FBI from ringing my bell before noon. I was a bartender at the time and it was becoming a big problem for me.

I couldn't make this shit up.

You got some stories I bet! Please start a podcast or write a book to share with the class lol.

I'd try that but people would point and laugh.

I'd love to have seen their reaction!

11

"Could you help me sacrifice this lamb?"
someone baa'ing in the background

lol

Too funny!!!!!!

add, " god dammit Jesus shut up!!! You are the noisiest lamb I ever had, and that's why you got to go first...."

2

i usually go about making out like i will go to their place of residence!! i ask them where do u live do u mind if i turn up and talk to you about not believing in magic men in the ski... then they almost always say things like i do not believe i want people just randomly showing up on my door step then u rub their face that they are annoying and harassing u...
u can also legally charge them money !!! for simply say knocking on a door see the fact of this matter is signage how people often walk past them without taking full note.. so u make a sign that cost them money fro say knocking on your door informal contracting clause and a video camera to prove they have done just this and u can litteraly charge them cash for crossing a line/barrier/ knocking on a door or the like..

If you haven't gone to an ABA accredited law school, passed a state bar exam, and been admitted to that states bar, then you shouldn't be trying to give people legal advice. In many states that's known as the unauthorized practice of law and can get you in some serious trouble.

Have you ever actually done that or is it just another internet rumour? Don't think that would fly here in the UK tbh

given u place the sign in your! property.... and have it at the correct and appropriate height and location relevant to the signs warnings!( between 5.5ft and 6.5 ft high is based upon a sign regulation guidelines thing here in AU if the sign too high or low then it has no effect!!! depending on the signage and the and codes thereof !!

oh and mate who the fuck said i had legal qualifications! it is only illegal in witch to solicit under the pretence you have training/experience when u don't!! im not trained but iv got a big head fault me for knowing things! sure !

3

I show them my Satanic Temple membership card. Then I hiss at them.

Where do I get a card? I kind of feel sorry for these folks as for me it seems most of them are just starting out to do this. There is always someone showing someone else what to do. Last time I had the Mormons show up it was just after working on a Temple in Portland. Told theem what I did and had a great conversation. Told them I was not interested and that they should reat their valued workers better. Went over like a brick. These people treated me great, wanted me to join so I could travel the world working for them. No interest as they did not treat their lead man well at all.

2

I politely tell them I'm not interested and send them on their way. I once had a roommate who opened the door to a couple of guys with bibles, and was like, "WHAT? THERE IS NO GOD! GTFO of here" etc.

I was about 20 years old, and thought it was hilarious.

Answering the door naked usually does the trick.

@Wrytyr Hahahahaaa! You're the 2nd person in as many months who has told me the same thing. Although he said, "... naked with beer in one hand and a joint in the other." 😮

@MollyBell One I read on another board to this subject.
The lady was preparing dinner, and she was getting ready to cut up a chicken. she said she took the chicken with her to the door. when she opened it, she said, "Oh good, you are just in time for the ceremony".
She said she had never seen that type move so fast.

5

Depends on how I feel at the time. I'm never rude. These people have sincere faith, and the fact that I think its misguided is neither here nor there. As far as they are concerned they want to do something good for me so their hearts are n the right place, which I respect. Occasionally I'll have a discussion, but I'm worried that they will end up questioning their own faith.

I appreciate your sense of respect for the intentions, although I only have enmity for direct solicitation - what Seinfeld would call "The drop-in" - not a fan of the drop-in. That said, over time I've met many JW's / Mormon missionaries when they are out canvassing and have enjoyed discussing various topics with them. Most seem to be more respectful / less proselytizing when out in a public space.

@J3sse no offense but we Jews don’t dig proselytizing besides us who the hell else wants to be a Jew

1

I simply would say ," no, thank you ." And gently close door.

@LetzGetReal lol, I don't think I am brave as you because I am the only atheist among my family. My mother , a pastor, warned me to never again speak of my mind since it does destroy her world.

3

If I'm feeling particularly chatty that day, I'll invite them in, offer them a seat and refreshments, and then move into the discussion. But those days are rare, so I normally just ignore them.

《smiles》I understand.

Have you ever offered the mormons coffee?

@PontifexMarximus yes! They only accepted water!

3

I had this problem in Utah. After several visits in which I told the Mormons I was not interested I tried telling them I was Jewish. They never came back.

What you observed is very interesting because it does appear that Christians are afraid of Jews - because after all Jews are God‘s chosen people. Or so the fairytale myths say in the Bible.

@Weismonger I always wondered why they were so supportive of Israel!

@Weismonger so they are afraid of Jews because Jews are God's chosen people? Did they think God made a bad choice? If so, would that not be blasphemous? That also makes me wonder, if the Jews were the chosen ones, why do Christians keep on praying to him? Whenever I am in a situation where I am not chosen for something, I just go home. That's my rule with Supreme Beings. If they don't pick me I don't stick around to grovel to them and fawn all over them. I mean it's not like there aren't plenty of others to choose from, right?

4

I am actually looking forward to the next door knockers. I haven't had any in years. I have lots of things to discuss with them. While it is not easy to deconvert people, i look forward to the opportunity, LOL.

Your response made me remember a summer when my girls were in high school. A couple of young mormon men regularly rode their bikes through the neighborhood and introduced themselves to my girls. I was going to tell them both to piss off, but I listened in on their conversation. My girls were slaying these guys. It was great. They were throwing all the stuff they'd learned about the bible and philosophy and history and these guys didn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. I was so proud!
These guys came by several times that summer. They were all close in age, I knew they were all attracted to each other, in addition to the fact both sides took up the challenge to convince the other. I never got into the conversations but hovered close by and so enjoyed all the byplay. The mormons finally did give up. But my girls had a lot of fun with the "the front porch debates".

The Seventh-day Adventist’s, the Mormons, & the church of God nuts are the best fun. Their specific religious beliefs are so wacky it just becomes a comedy act.

3

I have this on my front door

I NEED one of those!

@WIMetalDude02 I just made it myself and laminated it. ?feel free to do it too

That's a beautiful thing!!

3

nod smile and tell them i'll read whatever theyre offering, except most of the time i dont

the thrill is that i know im lying to them 😉

18

Answer the door naked
It works they will leave you alone

Indeed, along with some Heavy Metal playing in the background. LOL

23

I was more polite when I was younger. I would tell them honestly and openly that I intended to gently mock their beliefs and advise them to walk on. I'd then tease them a bit but they usually took the hint.
More recently I have become convinced that religion is the cancer of which the human race will die. I'm less inclined to chat with people who want to give me cancer. (Getting a bit grumpy in my old age!)

me too !

heh

9

Same as you, I talk to them.
Ask them questions, like -
in the Noah's ark story, why did God drown a lot of innocent animals? Noah saved no more than seven of each, so God drowned thousands or millions of animal who didn't sin. [Can they sin?]
He is God, so he could have take them all to Heaven for forty days (Noah too, for that matter). Or gifted them all with breath water. Or made them all vanish, and spent another six days making them all again.

Allan Level 5 Oct 27, 2017

Where did Noah fit all the Dinosaurs?

@Leafhead where did he keep the termites? And which of the band of castaways was carrying the syphilis?

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