When I was leaving for Germany to start our legal separation... my wife then took my 2 teenager daughters into a room and gave her version of events leading to our separation. I did not argue it or fought or stop it from happening. I simply said "They can judge me now and when they are adults our appeal their judgement". I will never say anything damaging about her to my children... some of her lies was perception like her starting a fight with another woman in a club because she thought there was something going on between us and I didn't even knew the woman!!! And my daughters knew of an incident that happened nowhere but in her head. I had been accused of having 2 other daughters with women one before her and another during the marriage. Despite me stating Truth I did not slept with one and the other was already pregnant when we met. But to her to spill her guts to my children is okay... well nothing has stopped my children from Loving Me. And now my children want to hang out with me because they see I was not that Asshole she talked about. I made it a point to teach my children how to handle a divorce. So they have a good example in their future if things don't work out. If in town I don't mind take her to dinner, dancing, movie. Bought her a laptop on a mother's day. after her divorce of husband nr 2. I will continue treating her like the mother of my children and forgetting the past. I wish you the best and may all work out for you and your wife, forgive if you must. But keep your eyes open because when something is broken... is broken. Not that is your case. Good Luck and to Forgive is good thing. Wish you the best as a couple.

Your story brings in mind a much more trivial everyday thing.

First of all, I live in the Bible Belt of the USA and I walk 5 days a week 5 km together with my wife from 6 to 7 pm. But sometimes I walk alone because my wife has a meeting or so, and than I walk alone, a little later. So once in a while I get a little annoyed when road workers park their truck or materials on the side walk, not even thinking that people tend to walk there.
One morning, almost at the end of my route, I found a pile of mulch halfway on the side walk and a truck parked on the other side also half way on it. I had to slalom around the objects and a man stood there working on the mulch. I tried to start a conversation about the fact that road workers are not very attentive to walkers. Now it appears that both, the mulch and the pick-up were his, and that he lived on the other side of the fence.
Well, he was not pleased that was clear enough and his tone was not one that did suite a Christian. I tried to be as friendly as I could and tried to retreat from the dispute. After 5 minutes I could walk on hearing swearing and accusations that I was evil. Sad man.
Strangely enough I encountered him the next day, and he started to continue to ventilate his anger. I walked on. By the way, he almost had cleaned up the mulch already. Next day I saw him walking with his little dog and his wife. He tried to start all over again, but I turned to his wife saying: Sorry meme, your husband seems to have an issue with me, but I forgive him. I hope you have a nice day and I hope your knee will be well soon (some time before she had stumbled over a damaged spot caused by some road workers machine).
I have never seen them again since. For me it was the only way to get rid of him and the feeling he still light in me.
Forgiving helps. Not in the last place the best for yourself.

I see no reason to forgive a person for a long, persistent pattern of verbally and psychologically abusive behavior which she knew was terribly hurtful and which was destructive to the relationship -- especially when that person is even able to admit or acknowledge what she was doing and what the effects were.

I do not want to hurt or punish that person. I simply hate what she did -- knowingly -- and what its effects were. I simply want nothing to do with her for the rest of my life. If she were to ask for my forgiveness, I would probably give it, But, she has never asked and never will.

Like buses, none for ages the two post about forgiveness come at once!

My reply is pretty much the same as on the other post - forgiveness is about me, not who I am forgiving.
I will not waste energy holding a grudge or trying to punish someone else for their shortcomings. If their actions have had a negative consequence on my life, then the productive way to use my energy is sorting my life out. Anger and retribution are such negative emotions which achieve little - making someone else feel bad doesn't make me feel better.

I don't believe in 'forgiveness'. I don't even like the word, or what most people think it means.
For me, I either get over something, or I don't. Some will say that it's the same thing, but it
isn't to me.

You know yourself well and had the ability to put your child's best interest above your anger. You are rare in this day and age and I am glad that you have shared your story.

You are absolutely correct. Forgiveness is for self-healing and you have given the gift of example to your daughter. How I wish every child of a broken relationship can be given the same gift.

I am with you 100% on this, Thomas. I've been walked out on twice for other people (I guess I'm a schmuck), and I hold no animosity for either of my exes. My daughter's mother and I always put our child first, and she has, as a result, grown into a smart, capable, caring person of whom we are both very proud. I did not experience the rancor you did from your ex from either of mine, fortunately, so forgiveness was not an issue in that respect. I always tried to adopt the attitude in my situation, that it was not one-sided, that one or the other of us was at fault; there were circumstances and issues on both sides, therefore equal "blame" (a word I really don't like). But, I think there is no question that holding back forgiveness, holding in anger and/or resentment is toxic to one's well-being.

I think you by far did the right thing and I applaud you

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. I forgive anything that does not result in bodily harm to myself or others close to me. However, I do not forget the transgression and take steps to avoid a repetition.

I forgive very easily, and almost never write anyone off completely. I've been hurt a lot because others don't do the same for me, and nobody is perfect.

Sometimes I can rise to the occasion especially if I truly ;get' the other persons inadequacy sometimes its too brutal and raw and it has to be put on the back burner. My parents were both damaged they are both dead now and I think I am spent my own recovery will have to do in place of forgiveness