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What does "coffee" mean to you?

Twice since my last divorce, I have agreed to coffee with guys. To me, coffee just means that I don't really know who the guy is, but I may have seen him around or spoken with him a bit and he seems decent enough to get to know a little better. Maybe if I get to know him well enough to trust him that far, we could become friends soon. Yes, theoretically it could go farther than that eventually, but right now I don't even know him well enough to know if I want to be friends. That's just the next step of getting to know someone a little better.

The first guy seemed to think that coffee meant that I was ready to jump into something right away, and kept texting me about how sexy I was and asking if I was going to kiss him when we got together for coffee. He didn't catch the hint when I said that for now, I just want a chance for us to get to know each other better, and kept going on about kissing. He also didn't catch the hint when I said that all these texts were making me uncomfortable (the first text couldn't have been a full minute after I'd walked around the corner, and I quickly lost count of how many texts he'd sent, and they were rapidly sounding more explicit. Within 18 hours, I had to explain that he was making me so uncomfortable that I was going to have to cancel (to which he insulted me and told me he was only trying to give me a compliment).

Next one, long story short, within 3 days I had warning signs and then he was making sex jokes, 5 days I was looking for a way to let the guy down easy because he seemed to have gotten the idea we were in a committed relationship when actually I was thinking even the friendship thing might not work at all (stuff like telling me it was okay with him if I wanted male friends, so long as he didn't have any reason to think something was going on) but with every contact he seemed to be having a rougher day where he just didn't need anything else to upset him even more so than last time (not returning calls and texts very promptly just made him more upset and he tried to guilt trip me about it), so finally at 10 days when he forced my hand by asking when we were going out again and I had to tell him this wasn't working, you'd have thought I'd broken our engagement the night before the wedding, and I finally had to ask him if I should look up the number for the crisis line for him (which finally turned out to be the right thing to say to get him to stop).

So, does "coffee" mean something nowadays that it didn't years ago, did I have really bad luck by just happening to get 2 scary-end guys, were my expectations off about thinking it was fine to get to know somebody pretty well before getting into a relationship with them, or what? Is there a different way to indicate just wanting to get to know somebody incrementally before getting into a relationship?

ElizabethI 6 Feb 18
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45 comments (26 - 45)

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2

If you get those kinds of socially incompetent cues from a man, dump him quickly.

2

Relationships are hard to find and even harder to keep going once they start. I found my wife by living in a place where she knew one of the other men. We all shared a house in Portland. They broke up and I decided to ask her out. Figured we had nothing really in common but thought I would get at least one date. Went to a movie and then to an ice cream parlor and I told he ghost stories about my experiences in Zuni. Figured it was a one shot deal so no expectations at all. She drove me home ( I did not have a car, she had two). A couple of days later I asked he out again and too my surprise she said yes. Found out we had a lot in common, That was twenty-seven years ago. Love is so hard to find and it is so easy to get into a bad situation that one has to be careful, I wish everyone a good journey.

2

Fair question. I believe two things have happened in the past generation and, on balance, they are good things. But it's going to be tough to get used to. First, I believe we have, in general, become more honest and direct with our comments and action. Not much "coded" talk today. For instance, if I mention the Language of Flowers will anyone even know what it's about, let alone what it means when you receive a Maidenhead Fern or a Crocus? Secondly, I believe women are becoming more comfortable with themselves and it is manifesting in raising their expectations from men.

2

I take myself out for coffee. I gave up dating a long time ago. I'm sorry men in your life take "coffee" as you're getting hitched or jumping right into sex. Men don't seem to want to get to know women first. Online dating for me ends up in me uninstalling the dating app in 1 hr. My messages get blown up with sex requests. Yuck.

I'm sorry that has been your experience. When I'm ready, I'll try again - I just need a few more clues first.

2

You had bad luck - sorry.

If someone starts sending you suggestive texts, say you changed your mind and block their number.

2

Coffee just means coffee. You know and I know and most people know that it's just getting to know someone. It seems sometimes you have to tell people "I'm not going to date just you". I do this. I find it takes the guessing out of it. As soon as one of them says "I'm your boyfriend before we've had the discussion about it and agreed to" I'm gone. I don't understand why people Think that because you went out with them once or twice that all of a sudden you belong to them. I find these people insane and I run as fast as possible. Just look for the warning signs and go with your Gut feeling. If it feels wrong it's probably wrong. Best of luck to you.

2

Time to wake up my mind in the morning and the caffeine to organize it.

1

"Coffee" or "lunch" is a pre-date sort of meet, where we decide if we want to get to know each other better. After coffee or lunch a time or two, we can progress on to "dinner." Sex? Don't even ask until we've had a few dates. Sex happens once we decide we want to try "relationship." I don't do random hook-ups. This has nothing to do with morals or custom. I just know my own limits when it comes to emotional investment.

Deb57 Level 8 Apr 12, 2018
1

You don't let guys like that down easy. You hit them with a clue-by-four. Hard.

Deb57 Level 8 Apr 12, 2018
1

Yikes

1

Coffee does indeed mean a chance to meet and know each other. If things work out well and theres chemistry it can lead to more coffee r a meal, or if there is overpowering attraction, to bed as well. Every coffee date is as different as the two people who meet for coffee. Your two friends were not sensitive or intuitive enough to read the signals. It is true that sometimes coffee does mean a hot date but that evolves out of a lot of online exchange of views, emotional feelings, a frank statement of sexual desire. But all that is clearly laid out in the online communication. If there is no reciprocity of these signals online it will not lead to a platonic coffee date.
But you a cup of tea anytime!

lecoq Level 4 Feb 26, 2018
1

I've always considered coffee to be a good 'pre' first date and I would consider it a date if it went well. That being said it is a very casual first date even if it did go well and I'd hardly consider myself in a committed relationship after that. If I'd ask to do lunch or a movie sometime and if the person I'm with agreed I'd certainly consider that a date, but I don't think you're in a committed relationship until it's stated. If you have a coffee date and show disinterest after that it's only polite to back off with no hurt feelings.

1

Boy, I guess I've been lucky in my dating experiences. But I'm a stickler for communication, so I have to be sure we're on the same page before we meet. Or even if we meet. I like that about meeting someone on line. You can weed out the incompatible ones right off. But coffee in my lingo always means just that. Coffee. In a well lit, well populated and neutral environment so we can eyeball each other. Nothing else.

1

I don't think your expectations were off as much as theirs were off. Sadly "coffee" was a que for sex in a video game that most men nowadays have played at one time or another and a lot of guys automatically take it to mean, "take me I'm yours."

That being said, many guys have grown past this but there are quite a few that, sadly, have not. You have my sympathy for the two big kids that you seem to have found.

1

Oh, my gosh! It all makes sense now. It was just a typo. Covfefe was supposed to be coffee and it is apparently creep-speak for sex!

1

Coffee to me means I am not going to enjoy myself because coffee shops have nothing to offer me. If someone suggests coffee, I generally suggest something else.

But seriously, coffee, or anything else where I meet someone for the first time is just that--meeting for the first time. I don't expect anything beyond that.

d_day Level 7 Feb 19, 2018
1

Desperate stupid male entitlement applies to any "contact" no matter if it's coffee text phone Facebook Twitter. ....these scum have greater role models: rapist priests pussy grabber TrumpOLINI MONICA PAULA blow me Slick Willie Clinton and BILLARY attacking women instead of divorcing the bastard

1

The meaning of the word depends on who I'm with.

0

Doppio Espresso, ristretto.

0

Coffee is me having energy to keep up with two toddlers a one year old and a baby after the baby was up all night. So coffee to me means safe kids and a happy time babysitting

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