"From the Chicago-hued streets of Chicago to the mountains of [awkward pause] Mountainland, from the meth labs of New Hampshire to the numerous Florida beaches featured in the Girls Gone Wild series, America is a land of contrasts—and freedom. We must keep our country first in our hearts, we must keep the spirit of representative government alive in our souls, and we must keep a miniature copy of the Constitution upon our loins. Together, we fly above Mount Rushmore on the wings of the big eagle of liberty. His name is Mr. Liberty Eagle, and he screeches a song of patriotism. Thank you very much. Good night."

[slate.com]