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How did I get put in the friend zone ?

So this is out of my range of expertise, and what better place to ask for relationship advice than from a group of singles . Here's the story, I met this girl back in mid December we had great conversation , non-judgemental a good mother to her children and possibly to mine and I find her attractive. Pretty much checked all the boxes I'm looking for. We went out the next night after meeting on a date and had great sex, and we continued dating till Valentine's day. The problem is she isn't ready for a relationship and that's what I want from her. Normally I'd just leave it in the past but this chick is very adamant in the fact we remain friends . And it's really messing with me because I've been placed in the friend zone even though I still like her. I have tried to get past her with casual sex. I think the real reason I keep talking to her is because I think I can get out of the friend zone. Help me out guys/girls . What should I do?

Buckner 4 Feb 28
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39 comments

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5

Don't push it with her, like she said, she ain't ready. Just remain friends with her and see how it pans out.

12

Once in the friend zone, it's rare to exit. Might as well accept it.
Then, if she does change her mind, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
If you push, you're never going to get out of it.

3

I agree with the other posters, however as someone who has had a casual relationship with someone who wasn't interested in getting emotionally involved, I also understand how difficult it can be. I was able to keep my feelings out of it until fairly recently when we were able to go on an actual "date." Made me realize how much I was missing out on with him. Ultimately I decided for my own sanity I had to break off the friendship entirely. Perhaps in time I could be platonic friends with him but I don't think I could have a sexual relationship without getting emotionally involved.

Best of luck to you! Don't let yourself get shortchanged from what you want/need!

This is the part I didn't explain , even when we were dating I kept feeling like I was getting the short end of the stick just because I know she wasn't willing to put as much in as I was. To me it feels like her reason for wanting to keep me as a friend is to keep the option open . We hung out last night as she played personal stylist to me while clothes shopping . The biggest difference now vs before is the lack of romantic gestures . The question I'm trying to answer is should I wait for her or find someone new who is emotionally available.

@Buckner If you already feel like you are putting in more effort then I don't personally think it is worth waiting for her. Obviously I only know a small portion of the story but I just feel like even if she did decide she was emotionally ready, she's not going to put as much into it as you do.

Rant: I get so frustrated when people say that everyone is too quick to get divorced and that they should work on their problems. I did work on my marriage. Hard. But if only one person is willing to put in the effort...then why should the other person suffer and be unhappy. My concern for you is that you'd end up in a relationship like my marriage was. The emotional toll of not having feelings and effort reciprocated is very difficult.

Just my 2 cents. Again, I don't know the full story so don't decide what to do based on my comments but just wanted to give my perspective.

@Buckner yeah. Exit stage left. She's not interested and if she does "settle" for you,you can bet there will be big problems down the road. Go find someone who wants you as much as you want them.

2

If it eats at you, you're gonna have to bail, because it ain't gonna fix itself and you will become increasingly irritated. If you can, date someone else. Sometimes a person wants something more if they think it's slipping away. And if that doesn't happen, hey, at least you're dating! YMMV, I'm not exactly an expert.

4

A girl will decide that she is not interested in you romantically and I know it sucks but that's almost impossible to change.

As it would be for me as a male.

1

Stay with the friend zone.

But don't hold your breath.

You can, of course, check out whether she really only wants to stay just friends by dating someone else - but don't brag about it, casually mention it in conversation. If she is happy for you, then I'm afraid you are stuck in the friendship zone.

Any other reaction, you'll need to play by ear.

Good luck.

Not sure I understand.
As I read the post he would normally have accepted the rejection and moved on and she wanted to stay friends.
It is possible to have friends of the opposite sex that you have previously had a sexual relationship with - my ex was best man at my wedding - hence my initial comment, stay with the friend zone. Just because you would like a sexual relationship doesn't mean you should. I see no deceit in the relationship they have both been clear about their intentions.

What are the lies he is telling?

3

go away and if she decides to change her mind and lets you know decide if you want to start over

2

My wife is my best friend, no matter what. We've been together over thirty years. Good friends are valuable.

She might make a good friend, but only you can decide. Sexually, she seems to be moving on. You should too, rather than be depressed over her.

13

I'd walk away. I wouldn't cut off all communication, but I'd cut back my time and emotional energy invested considerably. If she asks what has changed, I'd be honest: "I really like you and I want a relationship, but I know you're not interested in that. I respect your wishes, and I'm happy to remain casual friends, but I can't invest in a relationship that isn't there all the while in the back of my mind hoping that you'll someday change your mind." I think you can let her know that you understand and respect her perspective but, in return, she has to respect yours as well.

Very well put.

2

Dont push it, or you will really scare her.. i think that is almost like stalking.

1

Personally I find casual sex with no intention of commitment to be something I can't abide. Sex produces hormones that promote pair-bonding. Particularly if your objective is to find a life partner, you're just torturing yourself to feel bonded and yet held at arm's length.

In my experience people send enough mixed messages without adding this one to the list. I don't have sex with someone I'm not at least open to pair-bonding with in some substantive fashion. I don't respect people who DO have sex with someone, with no intention to explore that. It's disingenuous.

I realize there are people who think there's such a thing as purely recreational sex but I'm not one of them. So apologies in advance to people who don't feel guilt about casual sex. I'm not saying you should. I'm just saying it's not for me and I don't like that sort of ambiguity in my chosen relationships.

5

"The problem is she isn't ready for a relationship and that's what I want from her."

This line seems to be the key. She may have desired some good "bedding" when you came along, and that she got. But if she doesn't want anything beyond that - at least at this point, it might be best to back off, and go about your business. Be clear, that what you're looking for is more than a "good buddy", but let her know that while you're not going to sit around waiting, you'd be willing to continue from where you guys left off, should she change her mind.

No one deserves to be strung along as a friend, if that's not what they want. And she might be calling the shots at the moment - but you have your needs too ! Good luck !

My suggestion would be to not even tell her that you will be around, or even might be around, should she change her mind. To me, that would seem sad and a little pathetic. Move on, be happy, enjoy your life, and if she comes running back into your arms, you can give it a go without ever having sacrificed your dignity.

4

You need to stop what you're doing. There is nothing worse to a woman than a man who either: 1) acts desperate or 2) acts like her feelings don't matter.

She's already given her answer to you. Instead of verging on stalker mode, you need to back off and allow her to have some space. Maybe, in time she will decide she wants a relationship with you, but I wouldn't count on it.

@doglvr1882 I did not perceive the original poster as being coercive, but rather seems to be trying to sort out his thoughts and feelings with us as sounding boards.

@doglvr1882 Yup. I did not perceive the original poster as being coercive with his friend, but rather seems to trying preemptively to sort out his thoughts and feelings with us as sounding boards before he takes action with her.

8

The friendzone isn't a thing. Either you are a friend or not. If she doesn't want a relationship, then respect that. Be a friend.....but don't fake being a friend if you are just biding your time hoping for a romantic relationship. If you can't accept that she isn't looking for the same thing you are, go look for someone who is.

This. Completely this. My last relationship couldn't move into being friends until I finally accepted that was how it was going to be, and if I wanted this person in my life, we would have to do it on terms we could agree to. We had one big dustup over the phone, where I whined a bit, but I asked to to tell me straight that it was never going to happen (she wouldn't), and I said, "Then I'm the one ready to cut that cord rather than lose you." Our entire relationship has been much better since. (Note, if anyone looks on my comments page, they'll get a different story, but only because this hadn't happened yet.)

2

I have known guys that have complained of this. Sometimes it is really true that a person does not want a romantic relationship in their life yet. When someone does not want a relationship people can remain, friends if both agree. It seems that you don't agree. There is nothing you can do unless she decides differently, except to move on to pursue someone interested in a relationship.

5

What’s wrong with being friends?
I need more friends in my life...

I feel that if you value someone, and enjoy spending time with them, then I’m just happy I have that person in my life. We can still be intimate in a lot of ways that are not physical, yet are remarkably satisfying.

The whole notion we have, as a culture, that being friends with someone of the opposite sex is without anything physical happening is toxic.

I've got some great male friends. I value them as just that.

0

If your a friend its over. if someone really wants to do something. they do. she may well like you but that's all but that's just my opinion. she wanted some sex and you want something else so really what would you expect? it's not like you can untell her you want more and why would you?

0

Leave. Nothing like a wake up call.

6

Friendzone is one of the most self-centered, self-important, disrespectful, uncaring terms I encounter these days. It means a person only values another for their own pleasure.

If you're in the "friendzone", you probably belong there. You don't value their friendship, only that you can get laid. People are so much more than just a vessel to get your rocks off.

Yeah, I know that sounds really judgemental. I'm tired of people using other people for their own selfish means, as if those people are only here to be used.

I have really intense, intimate, fulfilling, non-sexual relationships with several women. They are my very best friends. And none of us will ever use the term "friendzone" in reference to the other. We are friends. And that's enough.

Perhaps if you reevaluate how you really think of people, the friendzone won't be a problem for you any more.

Pushing the like button for this answer isn't enough . Really need a love it button for this one .

0

A friend zone shows you roads to all sorts of places. And you have a built in co-pilot.

0

Friend zone is quicksand,
she likes you, but is looking for more.
You like her more than she likes you.

0

Back off! Date someone else, and if she changes her mind, she'll let you know.

To me, the ONLY fun of a new relationship if the courting stage..dating, hikes, movies, walks under the stars, snuggling to watch movies while you give each other foot rubs, etc. Once the man starts demanding more, I'm already edging toward the exit.

No, I don't want to have sex with you. Ew.
Who knows what you've done with whom, and what STDs you secretly carry.

And I don't want to commit to you either. Ew.
Who knows how control freak you might become, demanding to know where I am every minute and trying to push my friends away.

If men could be cool about it, though, I might hang with them long enough to develop feelings for them, as long as they continue being playful, fun, upbeat, and don't act NEEDY.

0

There is no escaping 'THE FRIEND ZONE!'.

0

In the words o f my favorite modern philosopher, Roseann Roseanna Danna, "it,s always something" really though you would be wise to walk away from the situation ....good luck

0

Are you sure single people are the best ones to take relationship advice from?

...not everyone on this site is single. Not everyone on this site looks for a date.

@Blizzard True enough. It was in response to, "what better place to ask for relationship advice than from a group of singles"....hmmmm. Now that I think of it, Buckner was probably being sarcastic.

@Rudy1962 hindsight, eh? lol, I did not even catch that part. shame on me

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