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Genuine question, because I honestly don't have the answer: Can heteronormative men and women be friends? I used to think so, but experience has caused me to have serious doubts. Am I just naive? Overly optimistic?

Edited for clarity: can men and women be just friends, nothing more?

Nottheonlyone 7 Mar 1
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38 comments (26 - 38)

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1

Definitely. But if a guy is interested, he’s going to give it a shot. If the guy can’t handle rejection it’s his problem, not yours. Not to say, guys are the only ones who take rejection poorly. Just can’t win sometimes.

Marz Level 7 Mar 2, 2018
1

It's part of that whole "nice guy" issue some men have. They generally grow out of it once their brain starts working faster than their hormones again.

0

Yesssss. Hv had many platonic male friends before

You use the past tense. Where are they now?

I still hv them. @Nottheonlyone

0

I think if both have a satisfying sexual relationship with someone else, yes, they can be friends. If not, the guy is going to screw it up.

That’s a piggish answer.

I'm just the messenger.

This is exactly what I fear. But I also can't help but wonder if women would fuck it up, too, if we weren't raised to be "good girls."

I think there are biological reasons why men are more on the prowl than women. it's instinctual to spread the sperm around as much as possible. Men have to fight that instinct all the time. Losers of the fight end up like Weinstein, etc.

0

Ok here is a serious response... Yes, men and women can be great friends, without a sexual component, even if they are heterosexual. One of my dearest friends is a woman who I have known since I was 14. I really cherish this friendship. I would never put the moves on her or risk cheapening it with casual sex. I don't think I would even if she asked for it. I love her like a best old friend, and love that we never went there. Most people who know us probably don't believe that, but it's true. I'm just glad that at some time in my youth I didn't do something stupid to f*ck it up. There are other women too who I know and really like that I genuinely don't want to sleep with. Even if I wasnt married im sure I would feel the same. Now before I was married, aside from long standing friends, most Women I Met were at least considered as a potential sexual Partner. The women were doing it too. Mostly they considered it for a much shorter time, and then concluded, no. Of course. What you might be looking for right now is an asexual male. What do you know about Asexuality?

Admittedly, not much. I understand the concept of asexuality, but I can't really imagine it.

It's not that I need an asexual man in my life, though. It's that I need to be able to believe that I have intrinsic value to men without my sexuality being part of the equation.

0

Absolutely my dear ABSOLUTELY!! Through my " hetero" life, the best lovers I've had the pleasure of knowing HAVE been my best friend. Friendship is the key to a satisfying relationship.

But what if I'm not looking for a lover, just a friend?

0

IMO when a man and a woman are together alone sex will always be a factor.

Bullshit. Disagree

@spaghettisite The lady doth protest too much.

Testosterone is everyone’s problem @nicknotes

You are a sweetheart....@spaghettisite

0

Maybe..... depends on the their ages.

0

Maybe. Maybe not. It might help if I knew whether or not I am heteronormative.

I don't have a definitive answer as there are so many variables. I have lots of female friends - some of whom I have has a sexual relationship with, some I haven't. I think much of it depends on your view of sex. Is is just as a part of a long term relationship to the exclusion of others or can you have a 'no strings' sex with someone you care about if the circumstances were right?

In general, men are better at non-comittal sex (some are really, really bad at it too!) than women in my experience, that's both personal experience and being the honourary female in a female dominated workplace.

When you care about somebody of the opposite sex there can be intimate moments where the male body gets confused (not much intelligent design about a body that only has enough blood to work either the brain or the penis, but not both at the same time) and men can read the signs wrong. If it feels good and you agree what after before you start - then what's the problem? If there is any chance it will change or spoil the relationship, then don't.

0

Just friends,

Wow, typing that brings back some bad memories. Getting the "just friends" speech was crushing. WHEN I WAS 17-19!
Are you basing this question on this website, other websites, person to person interactions or some combination?

My personal history. My awakening. My apparent naivety.

@Nottheonlyone Nah, you aren't naive. You are optimistic. There is absolutely no reason that men and women can not be platonic friends. But, apparently there is also some evolutionary reason why men feel the need to "spread it around." So, are you surprised men find you attractive? That once you Friend them they lose interest? This conversation shows men and women can be friends without lust.

I am always surprised when men find me attractive. I usually figure it out after we've been friends for a few years. That's why I say naive.

0

It probably depends upon age and mutual attractiveness. If the woman is plain and ugly that is no guarantee that sexual attraction will not be there. Blokes are weird in their perversions or perverted ideas of attractivemess. So unless you have already got the sex issue done and dusted I suggest that 90% of the encounters will not be platonically construed by men. I used to describe it as a meal without meat and gravy is not a meal.

0

In my experience yes, but one will almost always feel pain. In my case, as many others, I have feelings she doesn't share. And I'm trying to be the best friend I can and trying to push the unrequited feelings below the friendship ones. It works sometimes, other times I need my distance. It's..a strain on both of us, but we care and enjoy eachothers company and try to make it work. It'll fail eventually.

True, though I think in my case its about 60 %. But then I form attachments too easily. But you're right, it's not everyone.

0

Sure they can be friends. Friends with benefits! <wink>
Oh, wait, are you being serious?

Yeah.

Sigh.

@orange_girl OK, good point. What some non silly sexual jokes? And yes, I'm trying to be silly.

@orange_girl INTERESTING! (needs italics). Humor is always my "go to" especially when meeting someone for the first time. But, I do consider myself a good listener and I think (italics again) I'd understand the mood pretty quickly.

Men often don't want to do serious. I know I don't. Humor is my reflex defense.

@phil21 Putting words between asterisks will make them show up in italics. Put them between double asterisks for bold.

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