I'm trying more and more to embrace a phrase by Maya Angelou: "When someone tells you who they are, believe them...the first time." Some people have mentioned that maybe, with some suggestion, he might change as a lover, but he's already told you that you're going to have to always initiate sex. Hear that. That's someone telling you that they have no interest in changing or taking a more active role. If you think about what it takes to be that frank about it, it sounds like something he means. Not "maybe with encouragement."
Think about what that means to you if you know that he won't change and ask yourself if you're willing to accept that. It's sometimes difficult to find another lover as it takes time and energy, but I feel confident that you can do better than settling. There are a ton of activity groups (say like a hiking, running, or triathlon groups) that may be more appropriate grounds for seeking intimate partners.
This is saying nothing of his weight or level of fitness. You just don't sound like you two are a match.

Absolutely not! I don’t care what age you are settling is never OK! I would rather be alone than settle!

I've tried to "settle", it's never worked.
I'm never going to settle again, and have no problem accepting
that it's quite likely I will be alone (in terms of a romantic relationship)
for the rest of my life.
I'd rather be alone than settle for less than what I want/need.

Everyone has to make that decision for themselves.
If you aren't getting what you need, you are wasting your time.
Good luck.

No, never settle. When you start ditching the time wasters and move on quickly. It opens you up to finding someone more suitable, faster. Raise your standards, don't lower them.

It's possible settling could lead to resentment or even contempt (at least in my experience) which could negatively impact your friendship. He sounds like a great dude otherwise so perhaps the friendship is the most important part of the relationship.

He sounds like a candidate for the Friend Zone, not a candidate for lover.

Sounds like you have a friend, a buddy. Nothing wrong with that. Why not have a lover also? Sometimes you can't find the perfect package. It sounds like R isn't that much interested in sex and the outdoors but likes the verbal intercourse. He might be happy with just friendship.

This one's got to go!! No sex is better than bad sex!!

No. Just from the way you described him, he will never be enough for you. Friend zone. The "I will never initiate sex" would have ended it for me.

I find sex is always just sex. Without getting personal. Things like toys, mutual masterbation etc can heighten the experience. If both of you are comfortable talk about what turns you on. But being with someone who makes you comfortable to be you and makes you laugh is a big part.

I have been there but for another reason. One partner was alcoholic and when drinking her only real buzz cam from the one alcohol gave her. How can you make love to a person who just lies there with the attitude, okay just do what you want to do (I can't). However, when she went into detox it was a whole different story.

Also, I commented recently on why women get bored more quickly then men. That's understandable as it's easy to please a guy and not a lot of work is required. For some of us even that becomes boring and variety and changes are critical to long-term satisfaction. For me if my partner is not satisfied nor am I!

Is he willing to get in better shape? And even if he is not, he can put more effort into the sex! Tell him he needs to. Just because someone has weight to lose does not mean they can't be an amazing lover. He seems like a lazy lover to me. If he is great in other areas this can be worked on.

Looks like you are going to be disappointed if you put body over mind, and judge from physique rather than the comment of a person's heart.

I don't know what to tell you. I have never been in a relationship where both parts were fairly equal. really close a couple of times. I can see your dilemma. I am 5'11" and 155lbs, but I couldn't keep up with you. I'm talking about the hiking of course. Finding someone as fit as you over a certain age is going to be difficult.

I stumbled across a site that discusses dating older men and widowers in particular.
Your post crossed my mind as so many echoed similar.
Apparently finding a guy over a certain age that's willing to meet you halfway relationship-wise is akin to winning a billion dollar powerball. There were posts as "winners" in this lottery, but most were like this.

Lotta guys going to be found growing mold alone skeletonized for their relatives to find with a laptop strategically placed...

Bloody hell, absolutely not.
For me sex is something to love and enjoy. Humping is dull, so much to discover with real people, but yes it is a bitch finding them!

I fully understand the issue - there are indeed so many out-of-shape folks out there ( of all ages actually) ! Years ago, I was almost smothered by a big belly , I will no longer tolerate them at all. Turn off.

I think R would have been moved to the friend zone for me. I'd rather have no sex than the kind you've described. Ugh.

Obviously though, it all hinges on your decision ...

Just settle for having him as a good friend. This will never change, you will just get despondent, angry and frustrated. In the end you will hate him and despise him. When it comes to sex, you are better off satisfying your self.

For me that would maybe work for a friendship, but not a partner. I prefer no sex to mediocre, which for me means enough connection and somewhat matched libido.I would rather masturbate than continue a sexual relationship that isnt a mutually good fit.
I could not sprint up incline because of my asthma from allergies, but had a first date with a great guy 5 years ago where we walked 11 miles without realizing because luckily he had a fast pace and we enjoyed the hike. After months I ended it because the sex wasnt a good fit. I would have stayed friends because I enjoyed spending time with him. He considered it a consolation prize. He was wrong, I am a great and loyal friend and maybe even better friend than mate.

Only you know what your priorities are. I know men my age who can still look down and see their own junk. We are out there.

I think finding a sexual dynamo your age is probably a tall order. I’m not saying they aren’t out there but from my experience, for lack of a better term my sex drive is just not the same as my younger self. The thoughts are still there but they just aren’t backed with same emotional intensity. I think I’ve gotten more boring sexually the older I get and I’m in pretty good shape for ‘65. In my 40’s I was good for 2 or 3 times a night, now once a week is about all I’m good for. Granted there are performance enhancing drugs but the side effects a lot of times have me questioning is it worth it. Personally I think you are still pretty hot so you wouldn’t have any problems doing the cougar thing. Just a suggestion.....

Well it isn't uniformly settling, it is a question of deciding whether it's realistic to "have it all".

You are correct that it is difficult to find men (or women) who are both fit and healthy past a certain age, that being, roughly where we are in our 60s. Although fitness and health aren't directly correlated with quality of sex, so that's something to keep in mind.

My wife and I like long brisk walks and live in a community where there's a fair lot of hills to navigate, so we're fit enough for that. But she wants to be jacked into her music and go at her own pace, so we don't walk together that often; I am more a slow and steady wins the race kind of guy, and I'd much rather be in touch with nature than listening to a playlist. So there's an example where the flesh is willing and able but the styles don't match. It isn't a shared experience for us despite it being theoretically possible.

My wife is probably a bit intense for my taste, and has a tendency to nerves that makes me, a normally sanguine person, nervous. It's hard for me not to absorb her anxiety and reflect it. She's a tendency to be emotionally withheld and hard to know. These things can drive me to distraction but it's okay so long as I keep foremost in my thinking the strengths she brings to the table: fierce intelligence and curiosity, compatible worldview and tastes, scintillating conversation, a welcoming kindness, and terrific intuition (which I am about as dumb as a post concerning in most ways), and more -- for example, via her, I have my stepson in my life, a young man of tremendous integrity and persistence and intellectual prowess, who has deliberately been a comfort to me in the loss of my own son.

I think the job is to find someone with a sufficient fund of admirable qualities to act as a touchstone in the face of their flaws. To reject person after person because they have some show-stopping (to you) issue is not realistic, so long as the sticking points don't constitute actual cruelty or neglect of the relationship.

In the alternative you can accept that you may walk to the clearing at the end of the path alone, and I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with that -- it is just limiting, but perhaps not as limiting as things that annoy you that you aren't willing to not be annoyed about (and yes you can change your attitude and perspective toward such things). Were I to be widowed again, that would almost certainly be my choice to go it alone. I'm centered enough in myself that I no longer feel incomplete or deprived without a S.O. in my life, and understanding as I do the time and energy that has to be invested in truly knowing someone at that level, I wouldn't feel like I had the time anymore.

There ARE Fit ,Virile and more interesting mature Men that would be your Equal. You are awsomely attractive and desirable , don't waste your time with someone who doesn't appreciate your potential!

Anyone can get better at sex. There's good videos, lol even on porn sites. I'd encourage him to watch a few videos. For his own health, he should lose weight but shaming people never works so you have to be gentle and kind .

Personally, I couldn't settle for someone whose activity level was so much less than mine. Heck, I don't think I could settle for an uber fit woman who watches tons of TV. LOL, I might die single but I have great friends.

So! An admission from an old, happily married, mean and cantankerous man. Linda and I still ‘Do the Wild Thing’. Not as vigorously or as often as when we started out. But that part of our life together is still there. I’m 69 and she is 60. Time changes us all. My view and Linda’s is “manage expectations and understand our physical limits”. Our sex life has evolved. We are both still very happy with it. Our ‘Adventure Travels’ have changed. Scuba to snorkel, mountain trekking to ‘hiking’ tours, NCL (The just married) to Holland and Spirit (Nearly dead) cruise lines. WE have learned to appreciate, and enjoy the simpler things in our lives. Our backyard habitat, cooking together, supporting each other’s odd hobbies. Our grandson has changed our focus on life way more than I had expected. Our extended family Tribe has become more of our focus to support (the second and third generation). My point is that maybe, we shouldn’t be constantly searching, and being disappointed, for something from our past.
I sometimes look up as those Hueys and Blackhawks and Cobras flying overhead and think of days gone by. Linda reminded me today of back when we were ‘courting’ and those lunch breaks we took at work had nothing to do with food…. But time marches on.
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