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What is the proper wait time etiquette when hooking up with someone who your friend likes?

My friend (Joey) likes a girl, but he is what I would consider a pretty shy guy and holds his feelings to himself. Either way the girl just got out of a long term relationship and is basically looking for a rebound. This is where I come in. I don't know this girl from Adam but I guess she's heard some stories about me and wants to tango 😉. I don't want to be the bad guy and Joey is a great friend of mine so I told him I won't do anything until he's had his shot with her. That being said it's been 5 days and he hasn't even spoken to her. Now I don't care if he dates her or anything, I'm actually hoping he does and gets a shot. However we are all going to the same party in a few days and I'm sure things will go down one way or the other. So back to my question. Is a week too soon to act on the opportunity with the girl or should I wait longer?

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McWalsoft 6 Apr 15
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Not sure if this goes to your notification boxes or not but here is an update on the situation. So Joey and the girl are dating now. So congratulations to them. I ended up not going to the party as intended and things worked out. I definitely forgot to mention in my earlier post that Joey and I are going to the Garth Brooks concert May 3rd and it was probably best there wasn't some issue between us. I appreciate all of your thoughts and comments, I did take them into consideration.

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I know it's based on girl code and may be 20 years out of date, but the answer is never. You can never be with her, go out with her, whatever. Unless you accidentally fall in love with her and plan on marrying her- ikr - NEVER.
Even if he gets married and has a dozen children, it would still be questionable for you to hook-up with this girl.
Even if you get his permission while he claims to have fallen head-over-heels for someone else, he is lying and you will hurt him- really never.
Of course, you know your friend better than I do, but a guy who keeps his feelings to himself, but you know how he feels about this girl- I mean, really!

I definitely did not know this is how the girl code went. This is fascinating to me, thank you for the information.

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Why not just ask him if he minds? Way back a guy friend of mine introduced me to a woman we worked with. I asked if he was interested and he said they were just friends. I took her out and she said she couldnt go out again because he was in her office hitting on her all day. I thought there was an unwritten code but apparently not. Simple solution. Ask him if he minds if you ask her out, simple.

lerlo Level 8 Apr 17, 2019
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I'm not qualified to answer as I'm twice your age and I don't do hookups, I do relationships that include sex later, rather than at the beginning... To each their own.

2

Why not ask the woman if she wants to meet you for coffee or a meal? She can say yes or no.

If I was looking for a relationship I would definitely go about this completely different. I would take a more grown up approach and start conversations with her. However from the information I have received from her friend that is not what she wants.

@McWalsoft

So, you expect instant sex without getting to know her as a person?

Hire a prostitute instead.

@LiterateHiker In few words "yes". I know this is probably going to sound bad but this isn't the first time one of my friends say "Hey, this girl wants hook up." Most of the time, this time included, it's other girls that give me the information. I use to try and take them on dates and do the whole relationship starter package thing but honestly it's just a waste of time and money. Some of them even get mad or confused when I ask of they want to go out.

@McWalsoft I think we live in very different, but parallel worlds, man......I respect that you are honest and open about what you want and who you are. That's all I can really ask of others in dialoguing. After reading the rest of the thread, I have to say that, for me, you and I could still never be friends because, even tho it looks like you are putting your friendship with Joey first over the fling, I am just too different in my values about women to be ok with your dealings with women and being such a player. I would not be comfortable with a friend that rolled that way and you would not with someone as old school and moralistic as me. Many years ago I heard a guy your age talk about what you are looking for with this woman. He used the term "sport fuck". This was back in the late 80s. Another guy in the discussion called him out on it and said, "Hey man, if I ever heard you say that about having had a sport fuck with my sister, I'd punch you in the fucking mouth!". I get your point about having heard that she wanted that, but I hope you get my point about respecting women in general and maybe giving her a break since she is on the rebound and may not be making good decisions right now. Would you take advantage of a drunk woman at a bar that was too drunk to consent? My guess would be "yes". See the similarity?

@TomMcGiverin I'm sure we could be friends. Do you like Sports, politics, general news or hypothetical future changes in the world? If yes to any of those then I'd think we'd get along just fine. I get your point though we definitely are different in this aspect. I use to have a romantic type idea of what relationships entailed and how they start. I was in a committed relationship for 6 years and have never cheated on anyone. I have definitely played the field, though I would not consider myself a player. The group of people I hang with are really open, liberal, and young 20/ 30 somethings that live in college towns. Maybe there is a disconnect between the age of you and I. Most of the people I associate with don't want kids or want to get married. The bringing drunk girls from a bar thing is a bit presumptuous. Full disclosure I totally have but I would not say that there was ever a time the girls were so intoxicated that they were not in the right frame of mind. I don't want to undermine anything regarding the #metoo movement and the good it's done but I think people are a bit too afraid now that somehow they are going to wind up on the news or in jail. I am actually friends with most of my ex's and I would venture to say most have nice things to say about me. Is there a similarity between drunk girls and girls looking for a rebound after a long term relationship? Sure, they are both independent strong individuals who want to have fun and enjoy life responsibly.

@McWalsoft I never had kids, by choice, so we have that in common, as well as the interests in sports, politics, news, etc., but we obviously hang with very different crowds, probably related to our age difference. But I still think we are a world apart on attitudes towards women. I do give you props for never cheating on anyone, that's better than most men out there, but that may be related more to how you don't really do relationships on a regular basis either. As far as the drunk girls and those on the rebound tho, have to disagree with you on whether they really are that independent, strong, wanting to have fun and enjoy life responsibly or whether that is just a self-serving rationalization on your part to justify you getting what you want. I hope that you are able to get what you are after without causing hurt to anyone, including yourself, but I won't be surprised if that happens. Hope you don't end up, like you say, on the news or in jail someday for a sexual assault charge. My other advice is, like the Trojan commercial, Always Wear Your Life Jacket......Also, while you're at it, since you aren't interested in having kids, a vasectomy might not be a bad idea either.......

0

I wonder how the answers break down by gender.

That would be interesting.

1

I am fascinated by the look into the dynamics between guys.

I'll keep you informed if you like.

@McWalsoft Yes, please.

1

It sounds like you have a plane to catch. Why not just chill, and let things unfold more organically , in their own time ?

I might do just that. I kind of forgot Joey and I are going to the Garth Brooks concert in Minnesota May 3rd so I probably should hold off until after that at least.

1

Your limited choices, all assume it is OK. So you made up your mind and seem to be just looking for verification.

My advice is that friendships last a lto longer than sexual encounters. If you value the friendship than don't something tha twill most likely fuck it up.

To an extent you're probably right. In my mind he has had enough time but I know my idea of enough time and others don't always mesh. Do you have time frame you kind of go by? Like 2 weeks a month?

@McWalsoft If you want to stay his friend, maybe forever???

@ladyprof70 If we all did that then I don't think relationships would start at all. I could claim I have a crush on everyone and no one should date anybody I like. So I do believe there is some sort of limit to this waiting thing. I get the point though that he might be bitter no matter how long I wait but I think he would understand. He's a pretty understanding person.

@ladyprof70 I am just saying good friends are harder to find than sex partners. If you don't value your current friends much, then when you need a good firiend you may fidn yourself lacking one.

@snytiger6 That's what I meant -- even if I didn't say it clearly. I think friends are more difficult to find than romantic partners. So I think you need to cultivate the friendship carefully.

2

This is why I'm picky about who I call a friend. Joey should be, too.

1of5 Level 8 Apr 15, 2019

I guess I'm a bit confused. Joey and the girl haven't dated before. I mean he knows her better than me but that's not saying much since I've never met her. As far as I'm concerned Joey and I should be on the same level here. I called him and talked it over with him a few days ago and said I would let him have his shot. Which I've held up my end, not sure how I am a bad friend in your eyes.

1

There's really no advice you could get here that would be informed enough based on your 10 or so sentences to be helpful with any certainty.

My thought would be that while technically Joey needs to "shit or get off the pot", he's clearly staked a claim and if you really are friends then you have to honor the friendship by staying clear until he chooses to let go of it. It seems to me that you see an opportunity for some sort of fling or relationship and you don't value the friendship enough to miss out on it. As others have suggested, you'll have to do some soul-searching and see which it is. It's my view that even though your friend may have "waited long enough" that he'll still (rightly) see it as a betrayal. The middle ground would probably be to say to him that he needs to make his "move" by a certain time or you will, that way at least you're being transparent.

On the other hand I don't know that either of you are thinking of this girl's best interests if you're engaging with her in this way this soon after her breaking up from a LTR. It seems that each in your own way, you judge her vulnerable and want to take advantage of that. Sure, someone else probably will if you two don't, but that's on them. Sure, maybe she doesn't have enough sense to give herself some time and self-assessment before returning to the Game. But that's on her.

My $0.02 for what it's worth.

Thank you for the detailed response. I tend to agree with just about everything you said. From what I've gathered from her friends is she was with some guy for 6 years or so and she called it off and basically wants to have "fun" and make up for lost time. Yeah, I thought doing your "middle ground" option, and still might. I am probably going to see how things go at the party, test the air so to speak, and talk to him there. Since you seem to be the most interested or have most advice. Do you have a go to time frame in this situation or other similar situations?

@McWalsoft Oh heck no, I've been out of the dating realm for a decade and I'm twice your age so those were just my extemporaneous thoughts.

I suppose if she's being explicit that she wants to "have fun" then it's down to you and your friend continuing what appears to be open and transparent communication. You might even do him a favor if you tell him to lead, follow, or get out of the way so to speak. Might light a fire under him.

@mordant He has had some issues dating in the past. I've tried to help build his confidence a bit. I've got him pretty far before. He just has a bit of trouble closing the deal. I thought talking it through with him earlier would have lit a fire under him. However I'm not seeing that yet. Who knows maybe its happening behind the scenes but I doubt it. It's a bit frustrating.

@McWalsoft Well he wouldn't be the first human being vapor locked about any number of things. Social anxiety is a hard taskmaster. My stepson is hobbled by it so the approach I'm taking with him is to build his confidence and skills in other areas and give him small successes that make him feel more capable and confident. The hope is it will transfer to dating, school, other areas where he has difficulties. But it's a long haul.

@mordant Very true I remember being that way as well. I use to not nearly be as confident in dating as I am now. Which is why I want to help Joey and other friends of mine out with it. A quick example: we were playing a pick up game of basketball 3 on 3. I had played a few games in a row before this so I was sitting this one out. Joey's team (also my team) was getting smoked. Either way I knew Joey was the best player on the court, he could hit 3's and was the fastest player out there. Unfortunately he was extremely passive with the ball he would pass it every time even on wide open shots. He would blow by his opponent and have an open lane to the rim and pass it off to someone covered. So even though I wasn't playing in this game I called a time out for them and I got on him in particular. I said "You are the best damn player out here and if I see you pass that damn ball again when your open I'm going to run out there and kick your ass." Obviously I wouldn't harm a fly but when the game started back up Joey had the game of his life. He was acting like LeBron out there. He not only brought his team back but won the game. He later said that's exactly what he needed to hear. Confidence and pushing the right buttons can go along way.

@McWalsoft It is astounding how giving someone permission that isn't really yours to even give, can set them free. My 2nd wife performed that office for me, essentially giving me permission to be myself and/or make certain decisions that I had been conditioned by previous religious influences to be avoidant around. For example, she taught me the concept of firing unreasonable or slow paying clients. This simply had not occurred to me as even being an option.

That said, I also didn't remain dependent on other people goosing me, I took it on board and changed my thinking around it.

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I couldn't say, I've never been in this situation.

It seems to be there are fewer than I thought. Maybe I should have posted this in a group or something. I thought this was a general question that many have experienced but I'm finding out maybe it's not.

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