Is wanting someone who is not looking for a nursemaid, meal ticket, show pony, punching bag or slave, who also has reasonable personal hygeine and is not alcoholic, impotent or insane and can hold up their end of a conversation being too picky?

be picky , there are lots of us

No, ma'am. Not at all.
I am never ever going to date a believer again and don't think I want to be with a man who is too invested in society's gendered expectations or repeatedly manifests elements of toxic masculinity. If that makes me picky, I'll own it and keep my sanity.

I've been told I'm too picky because I won't date a believer again. Every single person in my past was a recovering addict of some kind that fell off the wagon because they thought I would keep them sober and they all believed in god. Now that I think about it, all except one had a mother way too involved in their lives; as in grown adults lying to their mother about things.. That one exception was estranged from his mother since childhood but had an older sister in the role

My deal breakers are simply no recovering addicts and no believers.
My list of things I need are sense of humor, intelligence, non-judgmental of others

I can only speak for myself and the fact is, I have not been picky enough in the past and I've wasted a LOT of time that I could be spending with someone who was actually worthy, or even being alone, which I don't mind because that's when I learn the most about who I am.

If you know what you want, and you know what you don't want, that's not being picky. That's not wasting your life. To quote
"To wisely live your life, you don't need to know much
Just remember two main rules for the beginning:
You better starve, than eat whatever
And better be alone, than with whoever."
Omar Khayyám

It doesn't make you picky. You tried something and didn't care for it. That's fair.

I was in a similar situation with the mil and all. It's hard on your relationship and draining.

I say know what you want and don't want and go for it.

Being "too" anything is something that can only be decided by the individual in regard to their own behavior. For anyone else to say someone is being "too" anything, is a value judgment based on their own opinions. Even if someone else thinks it might be a valid point, that too, is also their own opinion.
If someone wants to be "too" picky about whom they date, or anything else, that's on them.
They can either reap the benefits of that pickiness, or deal with the consequences of it.
If I'm too picky about whomever I would be willing to date, or anything else, that's on me.
I also realize that if by choosing to be "too picky", leaves me single, I have no business whining about it. If you're going to be "too picky", don't bitch about not being able to find anyone to spend your time with. Either lower your expectations, or wrap your head around being single, and stfu about it.

my partner has OCD I have D.I.D we fill in the bits the other one cannot do - do not live together , but meet up and watch telly together in the evenings and I cook at lunchtime, We are a good fit and not trying too hard just take life easy.

I don't think that makes you picky. In that vein, I'm picky. I'd like to date someone to whom I'm attracted.

Women and men should be as picky as they want. I have my absolutely no ways for dating and I will not apologize for it nor change it. It is whatever makes you happy

Shouldn't everyone be able to figure out what they want, what they will tolerate and then seek it out?

I tried dating a smoker again-alas cigarette smoke makes me gag and cough. Won't try again.

Have preferences but be able to look beyond them, absolutism is dishonest.

If you're not afraid of being alone, be as picky as you want to be. I for one, will never compromise again. That being said, I've been single for 18 years. Not for lack of opportunity, just because the right guy hasn't come along. I loved my ex husband who is recently deceased. He was an asshole, and I divorced him, but I loved him anyway. Sigh.

Oh yah. One more thing. Better to be picky than get with someone in hopes of changing them. That rarely ends up well

I tell guys I don't date guys who drink, & make it clear I'm not interested in being around alcohol or consuming it. 1 guy said great, he was a "former alcoholic" (red flag) & didn't drink. We go out to dinner & he has his 3rd highball delivered with his entree. When I said "I though you don't drink" the response was, "not like I used to".

I'm up front that I have limited free time & will make time for him but I need to plan things in advance...3 days minimum. (I have an old dog, I raise chickens & my commute to work is an hour 1 way...planning.) so his response, "yeah thats great" then "hey, its the middle of the week & I know you have to be up at 5am but there is salsa dancing tonight beginning at 9pm, I thought we could go. You can go home, do your stuff, then drive an hour back.. . " no consideration.

The latest guy thought it would be fun to see how far he could push me with a lot of passive aggressive comments, totally ignoring what I said about a night out & then had to make snarky comments about how I eat (I have food allergies).

And everyone wonders why I set up meet-n-greets at bookstores with coffee shops. If he doesn't show, its still a good night out.

No, I think that you need to be happy. If you force a relationship where you don’t see eye to eye on the big things, or where you’re not comfortable. You’re not going to be happy. Some things people can be to picky on. But I think if you’re gonna be with someone for a long time, you deserve to be picky.

IT didn't make you picky . You are wise . You made a wise choice , about a difficult decision .

Yep

Not picky enough!~!!!

Probably, but so are we about women. It is important to separate your dealbreakers from your preferences. I think it is harder as you get older, and the longer you live alone. You know more about what you like and why.

Better to be picky now than break a heart later

Oh, this should be good