Ewww

o. No, no, no, no, no. Will these horrors never cease? Will we ever know a quiet night again, a time when we can slip away thoughtlessly into mild dreams? Or will we always be plagued by rumors, unknowable things that dance around the truth? Will we ever be free from the rumor that Stephen Miller has a girlfriend, that he’s sitting in the tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g someone who will kiss him back for reasons, surely? Surely there must be reasons.

Please, here, take my brain, the place where I store memories, like the time I learned that Stephen Miller has maybe had carnal relations once. I don’t want it anymore.

Her name is Katie Waldman, and Mike Pence’s office just poached her from Arizona senator Martha McSally’s office, though she was previously at the Department of Homeland Security. She’s now the V.P.’s press secretary, according to NBC. Washington Post immigration reporter Nick Miroff pointed out that she’s also “dating” Miller (neither party has confirmed or denied at the time of publishing)