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Are You Lonely?

Being single can make me feel lonely, especially during holidays weekends. On July 4 and Memorial Day, I smell tantalizing barbecue grilling in neighbors' backyards. But I feel embarrassed to invite myself over to a friend’s family event.

All of my women friends are married. I have great female hiking partners (all married). We hike together one or two days per week. On weekends they are busy with their husbands.

The gym used to be a social place. But now everyone except me wears headphones. Headphones are a giant “Buzz Off- Leave Me Alone” sign. No more fun conversations with other athletes.

Meet Up disbanded in Wenatchee due to lack of participation. I didn’t go because their activities were too sedentary: playing Bingo and Bunco, pizza with wine/beer, and watching local (boring) baseball and hockey games. The Wenatchee Hiking Meetup doesn’t allow anyone above the age of 35. I could hike circles around those young whippersnappers!

As a Democrat, it helps to join marches and demonstrations. It’s wonderful to be surrounded by like-minded people. But that’s just one day. Volunteering as a college mentor helps me connect with people. The students I mentor win scholarships and go to college. That’s the point.

It’s lonely being a Democrat and atheist in a rural, Republican-dominated, largely married, church-going town. I grew up in Michigan in a family of highly intelligent musicians and artists. At age 21, I moved to Washington State to climb mountains, and stayed.

With a 146 IQ, I have felt different from other people, like I don’t fit in. Sometime I think I don’t belong on this planet.

"My intensity is too much for some people," my daughter Claire, 28, said. Ditto. But we both enjoy our intensity, heightened senses, high energy, intelligence, searching minds, sensuality and humor. This makes us who we are, and immeasurably enriches our lives.

As an extrovert, I love conversation and connecting with people. But I need alone time for reading, meditation, running and weightlifting. Although I enjoy being alone, I miss having a loving relationship.

I miss physical intimacy with a man. I don't mean just sex. I miss cuddling, foreplay, tender touch, romance, laughter and conversations. Without that, casual sex makes me feel sad.

According to psychologists, there are six types of loneliness:

  1. Interpersonal loneliness: This is the result of lacking or losing a significant, or intimate, relationship.

  2. Social loneliness: This is where a person is on the fringes of a group, excluded from a group, or is actively rejected.

  3. Cultural loneliness: This is where a person belongs to a different culture and feels that they don’t fit, or belong, in the new culture.

  4. Intellectual loneliness: This is where a person feels intellectually, or educationally, out of synch with their peers, their family or their social group.

  5. Psychological loneliness: This is where a person has experienced a trauma that separates them out from others around them. That is, it’s something other people can’t fully understand.

  6. Existential or cosmic loneliness: This is an isolating loneliness experienced by a person who is facing death.

For me, 1, 2 and 4 would apply, especially #4.

LiterateHiker 9 Mar 22
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120 comments

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0

Kathleen, I think it's wonderful that you know yourself well and that you strive to understand yourself. What you write applies to many of us.
So much of our existence is the Yin & Yang of who we are, the pulling in opposite directions.
Controlled by our moods, men & women.

What loses me with people is when their personality dominates. To me that is something that is outwardly projected, not an insight into who they are.
Which at the point of their of dominating personality intersecting with my inner, honest self.... I can no longer care or submit to "who" they are. They've now become "what" they are.

All apply to me except #6 and a tad bit of #'s 1 & 5

twill Level 7 Oct 7, 2019
1

Look how many responses to your post! Indeed, no one is alone in being lonely! So have you all managed to sustain the social interaction of dialogue at least online? And can anyone join in? But I must confess frustration as I only see here a great deal of "sharing," Much said and little done or even strategized. I For years I remain desperate even to seriously discuss my own proposed remedy at [FoolQuest.com]

@AaronAgassi

How many replies to this post? The last time I checked, it was 100.

1

I find that traveling can give me a different perspective, help me meet people, and give me confidence to build new relationships in my own city. If you can't move to another place where you'll have more in common with other people, maybe you can go on a trip to a beautiful challenging hike with a group of people you've never met and set the refresh button.

3

I enjoy my own company well enough, but I miss being in a relationship. My last two relationships left me a little jaded, so I decided to take some time away from dating. A year turned into two, then three...that was ten years ago! I guess I didn't want to settle for someone who didn't have all that I wanted in a woman. I need to be attracted to a person, but inner beauty is more important than outer. I also find it hard to meet people who share my liberal, agnostic humanistic views, especially in the red state of AZ. My family and I don't see eye to eye on most issues. The lone exception is my daughter. She ended up with my intelligence, world views, and my sense of humor. This has made the last ten years less lonely, but she is a young adult now and busy with her own escapades. I guess that is the greatest factor in why I am now proactive in my search for like minded people and possibly a mate.

I hear ya. Right now it's me and my kids as far as close relationship. They'll be gone in the blink of an eye. I do wonder what my life will like in about 8 years. Big changes, including retirement

0

I feel 1,3,4 and 5. I have never had the luxury of being around people I could consider peers, so while i have very rarely felt social rejection, I have felt social isolation. I went through 5 years of a Christian mennonite schooling system without being apart of there belief system while being brought up in a religiously neutral household ie no stated viewpoints. I just joined here because I unfortunately discovered that atheists are 1 in 10 and my likelyhood of finding like minded friends or potential mates in the normal fashion is abysmally low.

1

Not really. I've been single for YEARS now, and I can't even imagine dating again at this point. Too much outside my comfort zone.

It was exactly like that when I was young..... Do not let years passing by take you by surprise.

@IamNobody Eh. I'm good. I know what I want and what my priorities are.

@Wenepai So was I when I was your age and if someone would've told me this, I wouldn't have listened either.

@IamNobody Okay? And we're different people.

@Wenepai We all are different...and yet the same

@IamNobody And yet different. Not every responds to situations the same way, and that's just the way it is.

Good luck with everything.

@Wenepai Thx, good luck to you too.

3

Well the plot thickens.... I don't see myself into any of the six categories and yet, here I am typing by myself talking to virtual friends....

1

I have experienced several of the types: psychological,social, interpersonal, and existential, though I was not from death it was from disability. I too notice that headphones and the smart phone are ways to close ourself down from others. I am an advocate and like organizing. I have an emotional support dog that helps with the feeling. I am very friendly and outgoing but it takes some time to recharge. I found that in order to find friends I joined "Meet-Ups on the internet with like minded groups. I have only found one real friend. The rest are superficial friendships. I am lucky I live in a sea of red, but the one city I live in it is okay to think different and be different.

1

Loneliness kills! I'm literally trying to save my life, here.

1

I'm damn lonely! During the early autumn things become worse, as this is when I lost my love to her brain tumour back in 2015.
She knew I hate being alone, and tried to get me to take a lover before she died. She wanted to check them over to make sure they'd be good for me! Doing that isn't part of who I am.
I keep myself busy with a college degree course and working far too many hours. Now at least, I can get to talk people who when hearing my life story don't offer their prayers. June, my late wife, was also a questioner of religion.

1

I am alone but not lonely. I have opted out of the social game. As an introvert by nature and nurture, it just doesn't do much for me.
Forums like these is almost too much social interaction.

1

1,2,5, & 6. I got over 2 by not caring anymore. Since we are all facing death, 6 is a tough one.

Carin Level 8 Sep 13, 2018
1

I have experienced 1, 3, and 5, but do not feel lonely. An emotionally healthy person learns to adapt and cope instead of feeling powerless and alone. At age 81, I am not far from death, but have never felt cosmic loneliness. It is a natural fact that all lives end.

2

No; I have done enough, had enough & been enough to myself. I think because I am creative and open to change - Life hasnt been a breeze for me but i have done enough and learned so much that I feel good in myself - I think the terrible times till I was 15 and left home prepared me for all the joy that came later. People have come and gone out of my life and I didn't grieve forever new things always came up so on the whole I suppose i always have myself as an interesting person to play with

2

I think all 6 of them fit me. I admit loneliness in many forms and it will not get better. Part of that is my age. I favor younger women but do not have the money today to try this again and I do not need the stress. Years ago I viewed myself as a "Watcher" that sees everyone and what is going on, but does not get involved. I am not spontaneous really, and I am in control of myself. This doesn't make me much fun but I'm a good mentor.

1

Just over the hill from you and experience loniness often enough. The winters here can be brutal as the weather makes it even more difficult to get out.

1

Wonderful post. It is challenging to be smart. No easy answers. I admire you for not lowering your standards.

A thought: Join a CrossFit box. No headphones.

@Mitch07102

At Anytime Fitness, I lift weights, using the rowing machine and stair-stepping machines. Have been weightlifting regularly since age 24.

Cross-fit is a fad that doesn't interest me. I go to the gym for exercise, not socialization.

2

Sure but only occasionally and I doubt it persists much longer. Its only 1 for me.

You are still just a kid! Ha! The older I get, the more difficult it becomes to meet someone dear. I just do not wanna get old as crap and be all by my lonesome.

@SheBeSecular I am just a kid...hence divorce 😉

@maxhyde You'll do fine in Gnashville. Just watch the drivers! Oy!

@SheBeSecular Not a problem. I work from home

1

1 through 5 to an extent or more. But am an introvert. Always relieved to come home, my happy space. I go through periods of trying to be more social, but often feel like I wasted my time. Self imposed loneliness. Usually feel more intelligent, but is that a rationalization. Delusion. Lmao.

3

Like many of the comments below , I'm numbers 1 , 2 , & 4 . My IQ is 143 . I'm usually without an intimate relationship , a fringe person in whatever social groups I'm in , with a high IQ . I'm definitely an introvert , and spend most of my time , on my own , which , for the most part , suites me , just fine .

3

I've been single for quite a while, and heartbroken over failed or unrequited love on numerous occasions. Weekends and holidays can be often tough reminders that I'm unattached romantically. Whenever possible I try to keep busy with work or friends, as both a distraction and a reminder that I don't have to brood and ruminate if I don't want to. Lately I've been more successful in staving off loneliness when it arrives by taking jobs and pursuing activities that I enjoy, regardless of whether anyone wants to share the experience with me or not. Maybe I'm finally accepting (if in baby steps) that loneliness is an occasional price of caring, that misery doesn't have to be permanent, that I matter as much as anyone else, and that I'm better off doing my own thing than miserable in a bad relationship, romantic or otherwise.

5

Sometimes I am lonely, yes, but not as lonely as I felt over the last few years of my (39 year) marriage! I have moments of boredom and loneliness, and reach out to friends and family, but even during those bouts of boredom I am still a LOT happier than I had been when the marriage went south. I do feel your pain, it is tough to live singly in a couples-oriented society. I remain hopeful to find a gentleman with whom to spend more of my time, but it is tough to get past some of the social and religious barriers!

Your description of the different types of loneliness is wonderfully phrased. Most of us undoubtedly feel more than one type at any given time, and some are more easily resolved than others.

Rustee Level 7 July 18, 2018
1

All but 6.

2

2,4,5 Social loneliness..I moved to a more Senior area and don't fit in. Intellectual loneliness.Extremely so!! where I live is horribly, intellectualy stifling. I found one other woman who I broached this issue with and she agreed but chose to 'dumb down' to have company! I prefer to communicate via computer and watch movies and documentaries that challenge me. Psychological lonliness. I'm dealing with protracted benzo withdrawal syndrome and since it isn't an easy one like cancer, the flu or a broken limb..no one tries to 'get ' it. At times I'm judged for being an addict (not the case in any way, shape or form! www.W-Bad.org), slowly everyone has dropped away except for my weekly helper and shopper, whom I adore as she is so funny and sharp and a peer support person that now comes weekly, I am isolated and the object of curiosity and gossip. I was widely liked and thought of, but since this befell me, I'm totally isolated. (what family I had in the area dropped away admitting they didn't understand what I'm enduring!!) Gee thanks, after I spent months caring for you during a bout with cancer.! So much for the concept of family. Thus, my life at this point. IF I survive, I guess I start from scratch, socially.

@IWatchIReason
I feel sorry you feel isolated in the senior area. If you like reading, I suggest you call the local library and sign up for a book club.

At my library, I joined a book club with 30 intelligent, funny women. Our monthly book discussions are fascinating, hilarious and fun.

Also, I met my favorite hiking partner, Karen, through book club.

Kathleen

2

Wow... I've got to study this further, I think I feel enlightened and a little puzzled with the six types. If I may modify the "six types" identify with #1, #2 1/2 #3 1/2... #4*.... modifications might be a mixture of #2, combined with bits of #3, mixing with bits of #4. I've been somewhat of a loner, and have been alone now for 8 years, but rarely feel lonely.
I "usually" manage to spend time with friends on special occasions, 4th of July, christmas, and similar traditional holidays... was always easier in the past.
Then again... I knew a girl (lady) from Wenatchee, my last (latest,last) love, she fits right in with community you describe, I think a good person, but due to her "fundamentalist" religious and political bend, I'm happy where I am... I think. I seem to be surrounded by a similar thinking community, fortunately I don't have to sleep with them.
Reminds me of a lyric... I once knew a man named Magruder, . who met a young maid in Bermuder, . she thought it quite crude . to be screwed in the nude, . but Magruder was cruder and . screwed her.
I don't know why that lyric came to mind... Maui, Hawaii (Wenatchee) came to mind.

Tomas Level 7 June 27, 2018
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