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Are You Lonely?

Being single can make me feel lonely, especially during holidays weekends. On July 4 and Memorial Day, I smell tantalizing barbecue grilling in neighbors' backyards. But I feel embarrassed to invite myself over to a friend’s family event.

All of my women friends are married. I have great female hiking partners (all married). We hike together one or two days per week. On weekends they are busy with their husbands.

The gym used to be a social place. But now everyone except me wears headphones. Headphones are a giant “Buzz Off- Leave Me Alone” sign. No more fun conversations with other athletes.

Meet Up disbanded in Wenatchee due to lack of participation. I didn’t go because their activities were too sedentary: playing Bingo and Bunco, pizza with wine/beer, and watching local (boring) baseball and hockey games. The Wenatchee Hiking Meetup doesn’t allow anyone above the age of 35. I could hike circles around those young whippersnappers!

As a Democrat, it helps to join marches and demonstrations. It’s wonderful to be surrounded by like-minded people. But that’s just one day. Volunteering as a college mentor helps me connect with people. The students I mentor win scholarships and go to college. That’s the point.

It’s lonely being a Democrat and atheist in a rural, Republican-dominated, largely married, church-going town. I grew up in Michigan in a family of highly intelligent musicians and artists. At age 21, I moved to Washington State to climb mountains, and stayed.

With a 146 IQ, I have felt different from other people, like I don’t fit in. Sometime I think I don’t belong on this planet.

"My intensity is too much for some people," my daughter Claire, 28, said. Ditto. But we both enjoy our intensity, heightened senses, high energy, intelligence, searching minds, sensuality and humor. This makes us who we are, and immeasurably enriches our lives.

As an extrovert, I love conversation and connecting with people. But I need alone time for reading, meditation, running and weightlifting. Although I enjoy being alone, I miss having a loving relationship.

I miss physical intimacy with a man. I don't mean just sex. I miss cuddling, foreplay, tender touch, romance, laughter and conversations. Without that, casual sex makes me feel sad.

According to psychologists, there are six types of loneliness:

  1. Interpersonal loneliness: This is the result of lacking or losing a significant, or intimate, relationship.

  2. Social loneliness: This is where a person is on the fringes of a group, excluded from a group, or is actively rejected.

  3. Cultural loneliness: This is where a person belongs to a different culture and feels that they don’t fit, or belong, in the new culture.

  4. Intellectual loneliness: This is where a person feels intellectually, or educationally, out of synch with their peers, their family or their social group.

  5. Psychological loneliness: This is where a person has experienced a trauma that separates them out from others around them. That is, it’s something other people can’t fully understand.

  6. Existential or cosmic loneliness: This is an isolating loneliness experienced by a person who is facing death.

For me, 1, 2 and 4 would apply, especially #4.

LiterateHiker 9 Mar 22
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120 comments (76 - 100)

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1

This post needs a more well thought out reply and I can provide. It is great though.

Thank you, DrewHawkin.

1

1, 2 & 4 for me. 2 & 4 being the cause of 1.

I'm comfortable in my personal lifestyle, I enjoy my own company, & my material needs are met... BUT...I don’t fit in here in the culture where I'm living.

Upon retirement, I moved to a Republican-dominated, church-going farm-town with a largely married population, for the safty and affordablity of it. I grew up and spent most of my years living in a resort area where the world and all it's culture was at our doorway, and the population was living the "Salt-life".

Even though all my basic needs are met, I feel a lack of "connection" both personaly and intellectually.

The marches and demonstrations that I have joined and organized myself have been born out of my own pure passion for the issues themselves, and not done as an effort to make connection, but I have found that there is also a secondary benifit from it because of it being fulfulling to find others that are on the same page.
This does bring a certain amount of social connection, and it makes no difference the status and partnership status of the people that are being interacted with. The friendships are precious.

On an intellectual level, I have been divorced for 20 years. I have filled the void by throwing my self into child-rearing and work. Giving myself no time to stop for any other needs that I may have had. I've coped by crowding out the time to have anything else that I might have missed.

One can only do that for so long. The children grew up, and left home. I became unable to still perform my job. I can still find many things to do when I am at home, but every so often, there are times when I would jusy like to have someone there if I picked up the phone to call them, or had someone to share a meal, or a cosy evening. It could be nice to have someone that I feel close enough to come over and snuggle up under the covers beside me with open options for activities if I pick up a book to read it on a rainy day.

Donna Level 6 Apr 10, 2018
1

Five out of six...#6 is still pending! And in'78 I've scored 145,retested two years later with same result.my cure for loneliness is walking meditation,TM,nature walk or stroll next to any body of water,bigger-better.MUSIC!Tried dating site! What a joke! But I'm optimist and constantly try to have my radar on,what can be an issue in this modern Rome!Soon to retire,or at least scale down,I'm checking local volunteering posts to find something challenging or boring.I'm naturalized citizen and thinking of moving on,this social structure and government is ...

1

You sound like a perfectly charming woman. I relate to everything you've said as well. I think it's unfortunately common for intelligent people, especially amongst those that get called "geniuses". I suppose it's important to know that you aren't alone, and I would LOVE to chat with you if ever you felt lonely.

1

I guess I most closely fit #6. I'm 71 and death often feels close. I go to a gym and try to avoid the worst effects of deterioration. I had a hip replacement when I was 65 and I never fully recovered from that so my walking is impaired. The knee of my opposite leg has no cartilage and is sometimes painful and it further impairs my walking. I feel totally outside of the normal lives of the people around me. I've learned from experience to leave people alone and stay in my own alone space.

It's been several years since I attempted sex. I was getting progressively worse ED that Viagra and the other drugs like that didn't help and I finally gave up trying to have sex out of frustration.

My worst problem is insomnia. I think I would be okay with my life as it is except sleep is a constant ordeal. I get so sick of the hours I spend trying to find my way to a little release and a little bit of not-being. Right now I'm on the second night of no sleep at all. I think about suicide almost constantly. If I owned a gun I would be in peril of just grabbing it and getting it all over with without hesitation. There are also family reasons I am trying to avoid suicide for a while. I rent a room from an ex-wife and the money I'm paying her makes it possible for her daughter to try to upgrade her life by going to school to get a better job than the shit jobs she's had.

I think I will most likely eventually end my life rather than let things deteriorate to the point that I die a slow, miserable death in a VA facility. I know how to do it with helium gas and the times like right now make that feel like a better choice than going on like I am.

Am I lonely? I've passed through stages of loneliness beyond anything I thought there was. It's not even about loneliness any more. It's about the fact that there is almost no pleasure in my life, even from the most simple and basic things like eating, while so many things become more difficult and painful as time passes.

I see that I've made it sound pretty horrible. It's not quite that bad, except when it's 5 am and I'm on the second night of no sleep, it amplifys it all.

If I had the delusion of religion it would probably seem different. It would probably be different. I don't though, and I can't "reboot" my evaluation of reality for my own convenience. I came to my view of a cold, indifferent universe through the sum total of my life experiences, and here I am.

When we label ourselves, "Old" then that is what we become. I have a continuation of ailing physical problems. But I know if I make everything look like all I see is a black hole, then that is where I may head. We all know life gets so much rougher as we age and people do not want to be bothered with because you have disabilities. You can't do this or you can't do that. All we can do is try, if you change your outlook and see the best you can possibly see you can change your life. Sometimes I wish I could help everyone that needs help, but helping myself is the best I can do. Wishing you better days ahead, old DAVE...

@TweedleDee One of the very first things said about me as an infant was that I looked "like an old man." I guess it stuck because I've pretty much felt that way about myself for my whole life

@ghost_warlock I get that and I think we all have had that in life... But I looked at your profile cause I was curious of your name and you seem to be a jolly old soul...

@TweedleDee I have a healthy appreciation for the absurd, yeah. Kind of an "the end is nigh, so why not be silly?" approach 😉

Have you ever considered taking some OTC sleeping pills like Sleepeze or some natural remedies like valerian root or melatonin to help with the sleep issues? I suffer from insomnia as well and it is a pain.

1

Loneliness is a pervasive human quality.

marga Level 7 Apr 5, 2018
1

I also joined the Wenatchee meet up group, and the Chelan Co. Democrats. I also have several factors on your list. Don't know where to go from here, but maybe we could share ideas.

1

Yes. As an only child who has lived alone most of my life, including my entire post-college professionally employed engineering career of the past 12 years, I occasionally experience loneliness. Much more recently since I tend to go about 2 years between relationships and I'm into year 4 without a significant other. I frequently see friends spending time in my area who know I'm lonely and don't invite me to join them which only exaserbates the feeling.

I know the feeling of an only child, I had a brother but today is his anniversary of his death. He died back in 1975 at the age of 23. He had schizophrenia which at that time he was their guinea pig with the drugs they gave him. So I have been alone pretty much of the time. I have step siblings only a step brother bothers with me we get along well now that we are in our 60's. Sometimes if we adopt a good friend and I mean a good one they will want to be your sibling and that is a plus .

@TweedleDee that's definitely not the experience of an only child!

@cvccosplay if you were an only child you were alone. Expressing aloneness for periods of time in our lives does help us to understand. If I was married to a man with dementia I would be alone. Disease of any kind can make you feel alone. Not just having a being beside you, if you have friends then you are not alone. You are lonely because there is no sibling to share with you.

@TweedleDee feeling alone and being alone are 2 entirely different things. One carries the awareness of other people near you when you need to have that comfort. The other (the situation to which I ellude) lacks that luxury. The list in the post omits physical loneliness of having no one in one's life at all, inaddition to the emotional loneliness all of which I relate to as well.

@cvccosplay Thank you for pointing this out to me. I am one that feels pain with intense feelings. I misconstrued this. Not many understand my feelings and I really appreciated you clarifying this for me.

1

I'm lonely, mainly because of the end of a 30 year relationship that I grew too dependent upon. That, and my kids grew up and have lives of their own. I'm slowly learning to deal with it. I still have a few friends, and I'm not estranged from anyone in my family, so I have people to turn to if it gets too bad. It's just a little tough to figure out when you've only very briefly lived alone in your life, and that a long time ago. I was somewhat excluded from groups in my youth, but I found/made a group of my own. Being an extravert, I've always tried to find things in common with whatever group I found myself in, without losing my own identity. For the most part, I succeeded, and always had my real group of friends and family to fall back on.

The only problem is age,,, as we age families get smaller and smaller. And for those who left families for any odd reason of the past. When there is nothing left I know I had to make friends my family..

1

1, 2, 4 and 5. Fortunately I don't actually feel lonely that often. I'd say 2 and 5 affect me most often/acutely. 4 not so much now that I've been out of school, and lacking in deep and intellectual conversations for the most part, for so long now. And 1 does get to me badly sometimes, but not most of the time; I've been out of a romantic relationship for the longest time since my first - it was no longer than 6 months before (just a couple months other than the one 5/6 month period), and its now been...atleast a year and a half I believe...-sigh-
My ex (the most recent one, that I'm still friends with) faces the last one way too often for someone who's not actually anywhere near dying. He's caught up in a loop of being terrified of death and thinking about how we're all meaningless in the greater scheme of things and taking that too personally and getting depressed. There's nothing I'm able to do to help him.

Btw, you sound like you may actually be an extroverted introvert, like myself - you get energy from interacting with others, but its still draining and you need time alone to recharge. This would explain why I seem incapable of living with anyone lol.

Neraven, you're right. I am a mix of extrovert and introvert, perhaps 70/30.

A long-term boyfriend, Dan, and I had fun hiking, weightlifting and downhill skiing together. We remained friends and hiking partners after breaking up. Alas, Dan moved to Utah. I miss hiking with him.

A self-motivated person, I don't need a exercise partner to get me out the door for running and weightlifting. But as a woman, it is not safe to hike alone.

1

Very well articulated....for me it would probably be more cultural - not so much loneliness - maybe more "isolation". I spent 25 years working in an office full of not just republicans - but RABID republicans - who teased and referrred to me as "our token tree hugging, granola crunching, birkenstock wearing liberal". Needless to say, I developed a very thick skin. Add that to the fact that every member of my family hates democrats, liberals, etc etc - you can see where I had to learn to either just let it roll off and keep quiet - or spend my entire life endlessly arguing with everyone. Life is just too short for that. 😉 😉

1

Not really, but kind of yes at the same time. I mostly feel sad that I don't have anyone to share all the cool things about life with. I also feel bad that my son doesn't have a male figure to look up to, other than my father who he doesn't see a ton. Other than that, I like being alone. I think there's plenty fulfillment to be had by yourself.

1

Definately #1 with 2-6 mixed in, lol

1

I'm an introvert. That's a tough tag to wear. I don't and won't go out much for any reason. I'm not lonely and I have a great living situation. I live with a family member who is a self taught theologian and our conversations are sometimes legendary! I have experienced all 6 of the levels at one time or another and have over the years learned to seriously love me. I'm retired and spend most of my time on my computer and watching TV. It's quite interesting to see how the future is conceptualized in movies that I watched many year ago. I've attempted to meet with women but it's tough because they're all Christians and we usually disagree with each other before night's end and I come home very frustrated. I'm at an age now where the drama that is some women isn't worth the effort so it's just me. Being involved in the growth of new family members is enough for me until that VERY special someone comes along.

1

Sure am right now

1

After my wife died I felt onely and alone all the time. Now 10 years later I am less botherd being alone and also spend more time around other people, which helps. Vicki was one of the sharpest people I ever met, and we could talk about anything. I miss that more than anything. I want it again.

1

I experience loneliness occasionally, usually on the weekends when the girls are with their dad. It's just me and the pets, and they aren't real good at making conversation.

When I get feeling that way, I annoy my online friends. I have a few that are around and willing to talk, pretty much any time.

1

Majorly lonely. 1 and 6, although I have no plans on kicking the bucket anytime soon.

1

Solitude and being alone can (in small doses) help you to sort of find yourself. After a three year relationship ended, I was devastated. I had no purpose it seemed other than, "work, eat, sleep, repeat". But being single, or just alone with my thoughts has helped me to know myself better. Hindsight is 20/20, and knowing what you want out of life is a big factor in how you can combat that loneliness.

TheHammerTime, Good point.

1

At one time or another, I've experienced 1-5. I'm old enough to be aware that death may come at any time; though, my health is good and might live a couple of decades longer. However, I've not faced 6. Alghough, I've spent much of my formative years alone, I cannot remember long periods of lonliness, perhaps because my curiosity is entertaining. For about 8 years, I suffered pain, like having the three little toes on my left foot cut off. Neither the cause nor the reson it stopped have been diagnosed. During these years, the pain blocked most psychological needs and some physiological.

I was born during WWII, when fathers were away and mothers worked. From my birth, I must have been alone for long perieds (1 & 2 lonliness), which seems to have made lonliness feel normal, because I've seldom suffered from lonliness.

Previously, I though existential lonliness was being alone whith our thoughts, even in a crowd with lively conversation.

1

I can relate to this post on so many levels. I get lonely a lot.

1

A life without another has no purpose.

@literatehiker Everything in your comment involves other people. I think that just supports my comment. ??

I respectfully disagree. I got a Master of Public Administration degree because I get the greatest reward from doing work that helps other people. Volunteering adds purpose to my life. I have been volunteering since age 21. For the past 12 years, I have been volunteering as a college mentor, helping low-income, minority students write essays for college and scholarship applications. This is the most rewarding volunteer work I have done.
"I am a beacon of hope in my neighborhood," Teresa said in 2016. "My younger siblings and neighbor kids look up to me. I am inspiring them to get good grades, stay in school, not dropout, not get pregnant and go to college."
Hiking is another rewarding activity. Hiking is a transcendent, uplifting experience for me. "We all need more low-level ecstasy in our lives." I wrote in my profile. To protect the environment, I have volunteered since age 18.
Being a parent adds purpose to my life. I could go on.

SouthShark, You are right. I thought you were saying a life without a loving partner or spouse has no purpose.

@literatehiker It could be taken that way. It’s not meant as an answer but rather a statement for contemplation. ??? Each of the six categories you put forth above relate loneliness as a state of isolation in regard to others. We are after all “social apes.”

1

A lot of what you have here resonates. I've always thought I was cursed to a degree with intellect, which definitely puts up a barrier of sorts between myself and a lot of folks that I've encountered. I've always tried to overcome that by being a bit of an extrovert myself but I've really reeled that in in recent years. I'm tired of extending myself only to usually be met with some form of rejection or nonsense. This ride of life can get tricky, huh?

"Is it better to be dumb and happy, or intelligent and conflicted?" I have asked myself over the years. I'd rather be smart because my mind amuses me. "My middle initial, "A," stands for 'Ambivalence,'" I joked in my 20s. In college, I realized highly intelligent male friends had a dark side, perhaps because they saw the futility of much of what we do.

1

There is also loneliness one can feel inside a committed relationship, when you cannot relate to one another anymore. I think loneliness is something that we have to prepare for as we get older. The longer we survive the more people that were in our lives will perish. Somehow we need to find peace within ourselves and with the mystery of the universe. I always try to remember that Monty Python song, "Always look on bright side of life". I've found that keeping busy is the best cure.

Twaseverthus, You are right. I couldn't agree more. I never felt so alone as when I was married. "People seem surprised when I call Wenatchee a desert. I realized I am living in a desert of touch," I wrote in my journal in 1993. We divorced in 1995.

A lifelong optimist, I have fun hiking, volunteering and talking and laughing with friends. I keep busy with sewing, cooking, reading and exercise. "Keeping busy is the best cure," you wrote. A thousand thumbs up!

pepperjones, what you wrote resonates with me. You have my sympathy. I learned the only person you can change and control is yourself.

1

I have PTSD and that colors my life. I have always been an introvert and my upbringing while enjoyable and challenging left me lost as I grew up and encountered those who buried their intellectual sides. I am told that I have a high IQ but that doesn't guarnetee anything unless it is paired with a strong dose of common sense. I have trouble relating to people. I haven't owned a TV since 1997 and I don't go to movies anymore as the audience "particpation" spoils it for me. I enjoy my own time and cannot relate to a strong religious, Republican, superior mentality. While I enjoy reading about many subjects and taking classes both for a degree and on my own, the majority of people I see here feel threatened by any change. They think the fifties were just fine thank you! Neither of us understands or wants to discuss what the other sees as worth discussing.

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