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14 9

A good sentiment...in all types of relationships....
What's the longest time you've estranged yourself from a significant relationship? What was the fight about?
How did you resolve it? Is your relationship better, worse, or just reinvented...

Freespirit64 8 Mar 24
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14 comments

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1

I was married for 21 years. 19 of them I was very unhappy. I have been free for 17 years now. There is no consideration of reconciliation. In fact, I'm scarred. I see no one in my future. But I do have 3 wonderful kids. One dosnt talk to me, but she is in my heart always.

0

Very true. mine is for ever

0

Yes. That’s why I’ve been in CoDa and individual therapy for going on 32 years. It takes not only work but knowledge as well. You can’t bake that cake if you don’t know how to turn the oven on or know what an egg is.

2

I have been separated from my wife for, hang on I'll do the maths, 5 years 7 months. It was about her verbal and physical abuse of me (one example was punching me in the face while I was driving) compounded by lies after we separated and trying to use the children against me while perching her arse on an imaginary moral high ground.

It has not been resolved and it will not be resolved until she can first admit that she is, and needs help for being, the perpetrator of domestic violence.

So a resolution is unlikely as for her to admit what she did, she would also have to admit to a great many people that she is a liar. Not very likely.

So the relationship couldn't have got any worse but my sanity and self respect is recovering but there was and is some lasting damage.

Mine would come home around 4am and start to punch me. That is if she came home at all. She was always telling me how dumb I was, and how I did nothing right. She told everyone how abusive I was. And she did turn one of my kids against me 100%

0

Hmm..the worse problem is when a woman who is heavy in male traits, acts like a male and becomes besotted with her partner, allowing him to misbehave and disrespect her, making excuses for him. Normally, cis, hetero women will toss a misbehaving man's stuff onto the lawn, change the lock, and move on.

If a male-ish woman clings to a relationship, overlooking bad behavior, she is putting herself in danger.

12

I quit speaking to my father about 12 years ago. The last time I spoke to him, he had called and I didn’t recognize the phone number and picked up. His “hello” and first words to me in probably 5 years were, “so, did you vote for the n——er?”

People always say, “but he is your dad” and “you will regret it when he is gone”. These are always from people that have loving or at least tolerable relationships with both of their parents.

I get a long great with my mother and siblings. We all live in different parts of the country, but we always get together for holidays or other special occasions. We laugh, play games and never have any drama now that he is out of the picture.

He may be my biological father, but he is a hateful, racist, bitter excuse of a man, and life is too short to have poisonous people around you. I have come to peace with it, and have no regrets, and I am a much happier person for it.

I believe there are some types of people best left out of your life no matter the relation. It isn’t your fault the way they are, and you have no responsibility to put up with it.

Very true! My dad was also a bigot and a fall down drunken, drug addict and he ran the family farming business into the ground. I got him out of my life about 18 years ago. He died this past June and I buried him. People ask me if I miss him and I say 'No'. I'll not morn for his loss, but I will morn 'what should have been'.

My "stepdad" was the same kind of person it sounds like your father is. After my mother got sick, and basically unable to care for herself, he made it quite clear he didn't want the responsibility, and she went to live with my brother and his wife.

We never communicated after that, my stepfather and I, and I have no idea where he ended up, but I heard how he ended up; evidently, being the miserable sonofabitch that he was, he killed himself with a handgun.

I have absolutely no remorse about not ever talking to him again, and I know that if there were such a thing as hell, that's where he'd have gone.

My mother hasn’t spoken to me in 20 years, her wish. Every time I date someone new they say the same thing. I put it off as long as I coukd but eventually I wrote my mother but of course received no answer. I told the next person I wasn’t going to reach out again, like it or lump it.

@farmboy2017 I know exactly how you feel!

I do not associate with anyone in my family with the exception of my children & grand children... I grew up with an overbearing, mean, & otherwise unsociable step father...I was treated differently than my brother & sister, & was never even told I was a stepchild till I joined the Navy outta high school & they told me that I didn't exist, at least not with that name...Nobody ever said a word, imagine my amazement when I discovered I had a brother 2 years younger than I who had the same interests, ideas, & goals as me...Was treated like dirt, has made my adult life difficult because of all the echo's bouncing around in my head, all negative self images that have taken my whole life to reconcile...I am still, at 62, trying to convince myself that I am OK....If I see a cousin coming, I know to cover my ass with one hand, & hold onto my wallet with the other...If you see em coming, you know the visit isn't social....Finally, I decided that my sanity & feelings of well being were more important that other people's feelings...Sometimes, you gotta put your own needs in front of other people's needs....I'm becoming more comfortable with it more every day...

@farmboy2017 me too same story farm alcoholic father differeent time line

2

Depends on what you mean as significant? My first wife was bi-polar which turned into adultry. 1 1/2 years after that I met another. We were together 12 years. She relapsed into alcoholic and it ended. Immediately another came along and we had a short distance relationship which lasted 6+ months (she wanted a committment which I was not ready to give. We had a good relationship but she found another who was willing to give her what she wanted. After 3 years I met another woman from halfway across the country. We dated for about a year before marrying. It was wildly successful for both of us until she died 1 1/2+ years ago. In all I have been single 17 years of my adult life but not all at once.

You are right. The people in a relationship must both work together to make the union successful. However, there has to be some basic commonalities and, to me, emotional stability is the most important item.

Rereading the question I see I might have gotten the answer wrong. It has been 35 years since my first wife and I have seen/communicated. In April my daughter wants us all to get together in Portland and the former wife will be there. It will be interesting to say the least.

god you poor thing. you finally meet some one than she dies. my heart breaks for you

@squiggy_70 I don't feel poor. I had been in a great relationship for 16 years and learned a lot. Through her, I found a very, very community centered place and have the proverbial life of Riley. Learned and experienced a lot and was able to escape the Seattle before it exploded into a city for the wealthy.
I made a posting about Roslyn. It was the site of one of my favorite shows, "Northern Exposure".

@JackPedigo yeah it is pretty but cold and lots of conservative and some racism.

@squiggy_70 Where I live it's just the opposite.

@JackPedigo you mean hot and progressive? sound good

@squiggy_70 I meant opposite of political leanings. Here it is temperate. Not hot nor cold. Just right (most of the time).

0

Family squabbles. One sister I haven't seen in over a decade. She distanced herself. One brother that I run into now and then but he doesn't really communicate anymore with siblings, just our parents. I see the others on occasion and we all get along. The squabbles are mostly about holding grudges for things long past, perceived and actual uneven treatment as children, disagreements as young adults.

On the other hand, I know and get along well with all my significant ex's.

6

My neighbor who helps me then gossips about me to others saying bad things she drinks a lot so I told her lets makes a clean break. we will be neighbors and polite but the rest of the pretending to be friends I can live with out. so am I bad?

Not at all. You told her why. That's nice of you.

No. You are not "bad". You are being true to yourself by not allowing this toxic person to have an active place in your life. There isn't anything wrong with that.

not bad at all. no use in keeping toxic people around.

Nope, you're not the bad one.

@morlll she is actually a good person who has her own issues, both her and her husband are nice. but the drink and she gets depressed and difficult and then talks about me, so well i said my piece and that was that.now i am lonelier than before

@squiggy_70 It's not nice and it's not your trouble. You've cleared the air. It's in your court to with what ever makes YOU happy.

2

Had anon/off relationship for 10 years. He would move out and rent a house within commuting distance. My ex husband and daughter's father - only married 2 years - would move in with him thus I had to go to the house to pick up my daughter. I would get ambushed by my ex and we would get back together. Think it happenned 3 times in 10 years. Finally ended it 9 years ago when a girlhe had been talking to online secretly came all the way from Michigan to get him.

that online shit happened to me too. he slept over and when i went to work he looked at other women online. I saw it in the cookies. when I confronted him he hung up the phone. so it ended that way once he drove by my house. i saw him and him he ducked down. he was hearing impaired and used it as an excuse to act infantile another guy I met online did the same thing. if I meet some one online and they want to date or see if it is going to work then deal is, for me anyway, no online while we date.. I make that clear Right away. of they don't want to then fine go date some one else. but to lie about it/

3

I haven't spoken to, or had any other contact with, my sister in over 25 years.
Her choice, not mine. It doesn't matter if I want to attempt a reconciliation or not.
Both people have to want to make it work. I have no idea why she feels the
way she does. I asked our mother numerous times, but she wouldn't tell me.
Like I have said before, blood relations mean nothing. It's not DNA that makes
"family", it's the love you share.
It's not on me to "fix" whatever is "wrong" with that relationship.
So, as far as the sentiment posted goes, I do not agree.
I'll try to fix what I can, but I'm not going to take responsibility for what anyone else does,
or doesn't do. Some relationships aren't worth 'saving'.

6

I've had a few relationships of various sorts that suffered from some conflict, and for me those relationships have typically languished as a result. It hasn't happened more than a few times, but once someone says or does something especially hurtful, it's difficult for me to ignore it and pretend everything is fine.

It's perfectly reasonable for you to excise toxic people from your life. If someone says or does something especially hurtful, you are not obligated to give them another chance to do it again.

You don't owe anyone anything. Over the years I have lost touch with some people. Some nicely, some fall by the wayside and some cut right out on purpose. I don't make a big deal I just don't engage them anymore. One is a sibling, since our parent died, I'm not hurting their feelings so I can forget those I don't like to talk to.

5

My relationships just sort of end. It's rare for me to have any contact with the other person again.

With one relationship, I had spent the day doing errands for my girlfriend. I was exhausted. I honestly felt that I was dying. And I didn't care, because if I was dying, then I wouldn't have to do any more chores for her. That ended it right at that moment. We've never spoken since.

With another woman, Jesus whispered to her to end the relationship. She told me there was no point in us talking to each other again. I haven't talked to her since.

Imagine the nerve of that Aramaic prick fucking up your relationship. Cut him out too!

4

My mum disowned me and my ex, over deciding to go to Southern Spain for Christmas. She didn't contact us and we didn't contact her for over 2 years. It was only when my ex got pregnant that we decided to get back in touch. I was quite happy with that situation, to be honest.

As per usual, my mum acted like nothing had happened. Which is the closest you'd ever get to an admission that she'd been unreasonable.

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