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Can a slovenly hoarder change his habits?

"My home is a sanctuary that comforts and pleases me," I told Don the first time he visited. "I love my paintings, books and music. I have always been an organized person."

"I want my house to be a calm sanctuary, too," he replied. "I love your place."

Years ago, I met Don at local Democratic meetings. He thinks I'm the ideal woman. Not attracted to him. At 71, Don is lazy and overweight, smokes pot and cigarettes and hates exercise. He has a terrible diet, diabetes, dingy teeth and bad judgment. At gatherings, I hear him bragging about near-death incidents on his motorcycle and downhill skiing.

Last week, I took photos of Don for his dating profile. Walked him through the steps to download photos I had emailed to him. Then uploaded the photos on Match.com. I wrote down the steps for him. He gets flustered and can't remember. Refuses to wear his glasses to see the computer.

"Will you help me clean up and organize my house?" he asked. "Women are going to ask to see my house." He offered to pay me.

Living in Sloth

I was shocked when Don took me to his house. The yard is strewn with old tires, rotting sawhorses, a rusting 55-gallon drum, old bowling pins and trash. All that junk is visual noise.

He canceled his recycling because "I don't want to drag two recycling and garbage cans all the way down my driveway."

"The plastic cans are on rollers," I replied. "You need the exercise."

Filthy windows obscure spectacular views of the Cascade Mountains. Creepy, leggy, overgrown plants cover the windows with long bare stems and a tuft of leaves at the ceiling. Throughout the house, floors are cluttered with cardboard boxes, dead leaves, paper, empty plastic water bottles, dirt and garbage. Closets are jam-packed with old clothes.

Dirty dishes overflow the sink, counters and stove. The house stinks of old fish. Even though East Wenatchee water is excellent, he buys cases of small plastic water bottles. The basement is jam-packed with five old mattresses, 40 years of ski equipment and accumulated junk.

There is nowhere to put anything away.

Instead of cleaning up, Don gets stoned and lays around watching televised sports.

"Look under the sink for rat and mouse droppings," Karen suggested. "I watched a 'Hoarders' series. The hoarders all had mice and rats and didn't realize it. It's a health hazard."

Arguing and Resisting

"NO!" Don said in alarm when I wanted to start with the closets. "My clothes are personal. Let's do the closets last. Don't wash the windows! They don't need it."

Don argues and resists everything. "I'm defending myself because you are attacking me."

So far, I cut back and fertilized his overgrown plants. New grow will emerge from the bottom. The plants will bush out.

Told Don it is wrong to lie about his age on his dating profile. He listed himself as 66 and is actually 71. He vehemently disagreed. "No woman wants an old grandpa."

I believe his constant resistance and arguing will be too stressful for me.

Your thoughts?

LiterateHiker 9 Mar 5
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20 comments

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1

After seeing the yard, I wouldn't even go in the house... Seems like he's given up on life or he's just lazy...

2

I would no longer burn your valuable time attempting to help him fix what he is reluctant to fix.

I loathe dishonest people so his deceptive presentation of his age places him very low (as low as theists) in my book.

1

Well, I got out to mow the lawn and have done some spring cleaning too! So it is possible to change

3

A hoarder who is depressed, amotivated and trying to recruit someone to rescue him. Gee, that's unusual!!
Don't get sucked in, getting you to feel sorry for him is a strategy to which all too many women are vulnerable and although you may be resistant, don't help him sucker others. He can't be helped, only motivated to help himself and the greatest motivator is pain.
I also wonder where his family are and how he ended up in this state. It may be hard hearted to think, but perhaps he is reaping consequences he has earnt.

@Cyklone

I decided not to clean out his house and yard because his anger, arguing and resistance are too stressful for me.

The two things I did were to see we can work together. I'm out.

@LiterateHiker you are probably not the first to lose patience with him. I once saw a woman in this state and felt terrible for her until I learnt that the reason her children had abandoned her was because she perpetrated terrible physical abuse upon them (shackling them in the cupboard for days). He may be innocent but we all walk a path and how did his path take him there?

@Cyklone

Over the years, Don has repeatedly pushed to be my lover. No way.

Last week when I showed him my dating profile, he took issue with:

Although I'm a great cook, I'm not willing to do all of the meal planning, preparation and cooking. Everyone loves the magic words: "Dinner is served."

"That makes me very uncomfortable," Don repeated. Now I see why. Like all men-children, he wants a mommy to take care of him and great sex.

@LiterateHiker I don't like being mothered: I still have a 93 yo one who tries 🙂. I'm a good cook and I don't need anyone in my life. But I do confess to being a very sensual person and rather partial to great sex.

2

You don't have enough degrees to handle his issues. Even some of the hoarders on those shows, resist or undermine all efforts by others, to change.

He'll only change if HE wants to, and has lots of help - mentally and otherwise.

2

He needs way more than your help. It's not enough for him just to be able to clean up; chances are even if he did, he'd revert back to his familiar ways or other maladaptive coping behaviors if the issues that brought him to this point aren't addressed. Hoarding is a severe form of OCD, usually brought on by trauma or other mental health issues that have created a feeling of helplessness, and even though it doesn't look like it, it's a way of getting some control. It's hard enough to deal with a hoarder even if you're a professional with years of training in dealing with the disorder. Having struggled with OCD myself over the years, I'm very much aware of what it feels like for myself; that fear of losing control is very strong, but I have been able to accept and face the underlying issues, even though it's very difficult and an ongoing process to change and find healthy ways to cope... All you can do is gently suggest that he may have a problem that merits more than you can help him with, although at this point it sounds like he may not want to change. A lot of hoarders stay vehemently in denial until it gets to the point where they may have to be evicted. Or it turns into something like the Collyer brothers.

@bleurowz

Thank you for your insightful reply. You're right.

I decided his resistance and arguing is too stressful for me. I'm out.

3

"Don is lazy and overweight, smokes pot and cigarettes and hates exercise." At his age this is who he is. I can't figure out why your real problem isn't men lining up & banging down your door, attempting to get your attention. That you would even consider helping this slob shows you're a caring person.

Your pictures reveal a proud elegant lady with a healthy lifestyle. I'd fly across the country just to meet you.

@ChurchLess

Thank you for your compliment and kind words.

Word

2

People will change only if they want to change, He does not want to change. You're wasting your energy and time on a lost cause, and yes, it's pathetic but unchangeable.

@ starwatcher-al

Thank you. I decided Don is so resistant and argumentative, it would be stressful and aggravating to deal with him.

The only person I can control or change is myself.

1

Perhaps a quid pro quo is in order. You help him organize if he agrees to spend time doing light hiking in the forest with you. The forest time will help him immensely with his depression and his physical self as well. As the depression lifts he will have more energy and will clean up his act.

MizJ Level 8 Mar 5, 2020

@MizJ

I don't enjoy his company.

Don is a loud, bragging, overtalking guy who can't even complete a thought. Terrible listening skills. He mumbles and garbles words. Appears to have attention deficit disorder. His memory is shot.

2

Everything you describe is symptomatic of long term depression, the house and yard and everything you describe are symptoms.

Dating is no solution, it sounds like he needs professional help.

I suspect your kind efforts are enabling his lifestyle choices. He wants a woman? Wants a clean Home.
Let him get up and accomplish that.

Push this forward in your mind. Some woman accepts a date, is she going to see this guy, or the illusion you help him create?
Would you want to be that woman?

@Davesnothere

Of course I don't want Don as a boyfriend or lover. Not attracted to him. Ugh.

The state of his house and property confirmed my instincts about him.

@LiterateHiker Not my point
If you put yourself in the place of some unknown woman meeting him, should she see the real him you see, or the facade he wants you to help create for him?

@Davesnothere

I decided not to help Don clean and organize his house. He is so argumentative and resistant, it would be stressful. Arguing every step of the way.

I did not write his profile. Instead of using periods, he wrote with dots between sentences. Stupid.

Couldn't get Don to stop lying about his age.

No photoshop. Women will see his grungy teeth and filthy vehicle stinking of cigarettes.

Don is a loud, bragging, over-talking male who cannot complete a thought. Defensive and argumentative. Terrible listening skills. Appears to have attention deficit disorder. His memory is shot.

I wrote his name into Google and got four websites saying he's 71 years old. Women can do that and discover he's lying about his age.

2

From my experience most hoarders have a mental problem. A neighbor's grandparents grew up during the depression. They did acquire property which later became valuable and they became rich. However, their habits never left. We would visit the house and it was unbelievable. So many future projects (barrels full of lead, a huge safe filled with who knows what and no key or dial number). It was so bad that the grandmother's water heater broke and she refused to get a plumber to come out as she was embarrassed to have some stranger see the house (the usual pathways cleared between stacks of boxes). Several of us tried, several times, to straighten things up but it was a total lost cause. Seattle has code laws to force people to clean up their act but it is hard to enforce. It often happens that a fire breaks out, insurance money is gotten and the problem solved. Unfortunately, it will always be a futile effort.
My suggestion, stay with things that make you feel good not frustrate you.

3

My question is why do you spend time with that person when there are animals at the shelters who really deserve your efforts. He's had a lifetime of opportunity and now he wants to lie about who he really is. Run. There are deserving people who could use your friendship.

@mtnhome

Don and I are not friends or companions in the normal sense. Our lifestyles are too different. I only see him at Democratic meetings and gatherings.

He sees my photos on Facebook. That's why he asked me to take picture for his dating profile. I emailed him the photos.

Next I asked him to pick me up at home to go see his house. Foolishly hoped he would feel inspired by my organization and cleanliness. He had warned me his house was "a mess."

I visited his home for the first time to assess what the job requires. It was shocking. I returned to help him upload photos and cut back his overgrown plants.

1

Your patience is amazing. I don't judge people who live like this, however, I don't like to be around them. The level of slop you describe is a symptom of mental illness, and laziness to the point of sloth. Even his teeth are a mess. Yech.

5

Again, I'm amazed at the men you've got circling your life. I'm beginning to think you've got something out of kilter in your aura. Maybe you should seek quasi-professional help. Start with psychic cleansing and wear magic crystals or something. 😆

0

Offer to clean it up for him, if you can keep anything you find. Buried in one person's midden heap is another person's treasure!

@davknight

I would never steal from anyone.

@LiterateHiker Funny, I had long ago concluded you are completely trustworthy and honest.

@NoMagicCookie

Thank you.

8

You are a better woman than I.
I'd be cutting Don loose, on every level.
There isn't enough money in the world.

4

You're beating a dead horse. Hope he's paying you well, because that's the only positive that will come out of this. But, if he should actually find a match, then that "loving couple" might make for a reality show all its own.

3

Even if you clean his place out, he will backslide and it will look the same in a few months. Do you want to undertake the job of continual upkeep? It sounds pretty clear he's made the decision to just wallow. If he decides to do anything at all, that's a first step. Asking someone else to do it for him is NOT a first step. IMO of course. Good luck, hon.

@zeuser

You're right.

2

So many red flags for you or any other woman!

1

Nothing you can do about it. In the meantime please be careful about the corona virus it's increasing in your state

@bobwjr

Thank you. The only person I can control and change is myself.

@LiterateHiker true, and would hate to lose a friend like you be careful, if it gets near you take precautions stay safe and healthy

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