I have never understood the need to be in a relationship. Most people I know HAVE to be in a relationship. I don't know why they are so damned scared of being alone. People have always confused me. I love women. I have an incredible appreciation for them. Love them more than all the relationship addicts I know. They are obsessed with the norm what's comfortable and convenient. I am happy with my own company. I am content with solitude and don't require someone else's presence to be happy.

Firstly reason and emotional stability must prevail. My first wife was Bipolar and it didn't manifest itself until later. The 2nd partnership she was an alcoholic (what was known as a maintenance drinker at first and then when I found out all hell broke out). There were 2 in between relationships that were nice but not enough commonalities - we are still good friends. My last marriage was to someone who was ahead of me in reason, atheism, communication skills (but I also had some strengths to bring to the table). We had totally different personalities but were 95% alike with our beliefs on life issues. There were frequent absences which actually helped us appreciate each other. In the end I would say luck, compromising, commonalities (very important), effort and, of course caring and love (from both parties).

I learned that the two most important things in a potential mate are personality *warm, carrying, sharing, helpful, etc) and intelligence are by far the most important things. Don't ever let a preoccupation with physical beauty cloud your judgment. Some very pretty women are entirely self-centered.

Another bit of advice: Don't ever overlook something that bothers you in another person's behavior by telling yourself, "I can change that later." The only behavior you are ever going to change is your own.

Double dipping. This I learned from my parents' marriage: They'd sought counseling. When they disagreed, each was to vote. 10 100% for doing this thing and 0 for absolutely will not do it, no matter what. Somehow, I forget the algorithm, either a 0 or 10 takes ZERO consideration of your spouse's vote, overriding if you will. Anything between involved some give and take. It's very telling if one willingly chooses to override their spouse very often. I found that I DID care about his opinion, more often than not.

This also tied in to my honest desire to see him fulfilled and happy, not for what such got for me, but because I truly wanted the best for him.

I learned being truly happy and content alone before I have a chance of being happy with anyone else is critical. Ever since I was really little, (well younger is probably a better word since I am 5’2” and still little) I kinda felt like I was an imposter even within my own family and with people of my generation. Even as a young kid I remember people telling me I was an “old soul”. I didn’t know what that meant but we never truly see ourselves as others do.

I always tried to find the connection between the literal and figurative, I think it’s why I was drawn to working with eyes (ophthalmology). A specialty which demands the ability to explain the abstract and helping patients do the same. Eyes truly are the windows to the soul, just so happens it’s also a specially which is largely geriatric (cataracts, macular degeneration, glaucoma), was my sub-conscience looking literally at old souls? Maybe I’d understand the concept of an old soul by looking into old eyes? Trying to see in myself what others did?

Two years into eyes I was widowed very young 3 weeks before our son turned 1. I’d worked with so many widows/widowers and my experience (and other factors leading up) gave me the ability to have ninja level empathy and ease of talking about death. A connection with others was not only comforting to others, it was comforting for me.

At the end of the day, I learned if you don’t have a true love of self first, any relationship subsequent is destin to fail one way or another. When I read stories of women who marry themselves, while others see it as narcissistic and selfish, I get it 100% and hope more women do.

I learned a ton from my marriage. Number one was to allow your spouse a shot at fixing things. My husband accused me of not being fair (I highly value fairness) when I did not complain when he messed up. He said that the fair thing would be to allow him to try to fix it, or to talk it out so he might better understand my point of view. We learned a ton about each other that way, and really grew as a couple.

accept what they are in the moment. Don't expect that they will grow as you see appropriate.

It's not something you can see from looking at a person, or even after you've gotten to know them for a while.
If I get even an inkling that she's going to cheat on me, if we can't talk it out, it's over.
Have I been burned in the past? Yes. Do I have trust issues? Yes, again.

I donno whether i answer ur question, what I believe is respecting your spouse is all needed.
I had seen ppl harassing n disrespecting each other and growing only ego.

I think we all learn different things because we all want and need different things. As you mention independence, I feel like that is something important to you, but I kind of learned the opposite. My ex-wife was too "independent." Independence was so important to her, that after she was sexually assaulted in the worst way while away at military training, she would never seek help or accept help. I understand the psychological trauma that can occur and stayed with her for 10 years after the incident, but her "independent" nature became so strong that it was one of the things that drove us apart.

Now, I'm looking for someone who has their life in hand, but accepts that she needs people. Doesn't have to be me all the time and I hope it isn't only me, but interdependence is part of partnership. I want someone who has weaknesses that I help and strengths who help me with mine. I want to feel lucky and I want her to feel lucky. I want her to know that I will always have her back and I never want to question if she has mine. I feel that is important in every personal or professional relationship and especially in a romantic partnership.

I learned not to make excuses for the other person. I excused little things at first and lowered my expectations and apologized for things that couldn't possibly have been my fault. I learned what a narcissist is and how to recognize them from the start. I never would have left my marriage if I hadn't stopped trying go be the good christian wife, enduring all hell just to be the wife god intends.

Respect your partner. Trust your partner. Commit to your partner 100%. Honour your partner. Support your partner. Otherwise, why be in a relationship? Better to be alone than compromising yourself.