Agnostic.com

13 0

I have been married before and I learned a lot about what makes a good relationship great and what can make it fail. And I am just wondering what everyone else might of learned. For example, I learned that I always put the relationship first when it comes to dealing with family members if if benefited me and my ex I choose that over individual benefits. I also learned that not being an Independent from each other is deadly and fights can break out. So my question is what did everyone learn from a past relationship that worked or you won't repeat again?

Cedric1986 4 Nov 23
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

13 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

0

I have never understood the need to be in a relationship. Most people I know HAVE to be in a relationship. I don't know why they are so damned scared of being alone. People have always confused me. I love women. I have an incredible appreciation for them. Love them more than all the relationship addicts I know. They are obsessed with the norm what's comfortable and convenient. I am happy with my own company. I am content with solitude and don't require someone else's presence to be happy.

0

Firstly reason and emotional stability must prevail. My first wife was Bipolar and it didn't manifest itself until later. The 2nd partnership she was an alcoholic (what was known as a maintenance drinker at first and then when I found out all hell broke out). There were 2 in between relationships that were nice but not enough commonalities - we are still good friends. My last marriage was to someone who was ahead of me in reason, atheism, communication skills (but I also had some strengths to bring to the table). We had totally different personalities but were 95% alike with our beliefs on life issues. There were frequent absences which actually helped us appreciate each other. In the end I would say luck, compromising, commonalities (very important), effort and, of course caring and love (from both parties).

0

I learned that the two most important things in a potential mate are personality *warm, carrying, sharing, helpful, etc) and intelligence are by far the most important things. Don't ever let a preoccupation with physical beauty cloud your judgment. Some very pretty women are entirely self-centered.

Another bit of advice: Don't ever overlook something that bothers you in another person's behavior by telling yourself, "I can change that later." The only behavior you are ever going to change is your own.

Actually, "some very pretty women" may have sexy exteriors, but are super ugly on the inside.

1

Double dipping. This I learned from my parents' marriage: They'd sought counseling. When they disagreed, each was to vote. 10 100% for doing this thing and 0 for absolutely will not do it, no matter what. Somehow, I forget the algorithm, either a 0 or 10 takes ZERO consideration of your spouse's vote, overriding if you will. Anything between involved some give and take. It's very telling if one willingly chooses to override their spouse very often. I found that I DID care about his opinion, more often than not.

This also tied in to my honest desire to see him fulfilled and happy, not for what such got for me, but because I truly wanted the best for him.

Zster Level 8 Nov 23, 2017
0

I learned being truly happy and content alone before I have a chance of being happy with anyone else is critical. Ever since I was really little, (well younger is probably a better word since I am 5’2” and still little) I kinda felt like I was an imposter even within my own family and with people of my generation. Even as a young kid I remember people telling me I was an “old soul”. I didn’t know what that meant but we never truly see ourselves as others do.

I always tried to find the connection between the literal and figurative, I think it’s why I was drawn to working with eyes (ophthalmology). A specialty which demands the ability to explain the abstract and helping patients do the same. Eyes truly are the windows to the soul, just so happens it’s also a specially which is largely geriatric (cataracts, macular degeneration, glaucoma), was my sub-conscience looking literally at old souls? Maybe I’d understand the concept of an old soul by looking into old eyes? Trying to see in myself what others did?

Two years into eyes I was widowed very young 3 weeks before our son turned 1. I’d worked with so many widows/widowers and my experience (and other factors leading up) gave me the ability to have ninja level empathy and ease of talking about death. A connection with others was not only comforting to others, it was comforting for me.

At the end of the day, I learned if you don’t have a true love of self first, any relationship subsequent is destin to fail one way or another. When I read stories of women who marry themselves, while others see it as narcissistic and selfish, I get it 100% and hope more women do.

You hit on a very important aspect - learning oneself and how to survive alone. I have spent some 17 years alone and learned how to cook, clean (do laundry and iron) and all the mundane day to day stuff. I never needed a maid or mother (often I was the maid and one friend even told me I would make a good mother). I wanted an equal partner (both in and out of bed). Being in the military for 4 years helped a lot. This definitely applies to both parties.

0

I learned a ton from my marriage. Number one was to allow your spouse a shot at fixing things. My husband accused me of not being fair (I highly value fairness) when I did not complain when he messed up. He said that the fair thing would be to allow him to try to fix it, or to talk it out so he might better understand my point of view. We learned a ton about each other that way, and really grew as a couple.

Zster Level 8 Nov 23, 2017
0

accept what they are in the moment. Don't expect that they will grow as you see appropriate.

0

I read many years ago that the most successful marriages were when one person had been divorced and the other never married. To me it would seem that the divorced person wasn't going to make the same mistake twice- wasn't going to get in with the 'divorce crowd', with the boozers and all the crap that goes with it. After the Saturday night party- there is also the waking up the next morning- and that's when the 'real fun' begins

Here I go again; adding something. I would imagine that any person that had a good mate, but their wife/ husband had died, probably would be expecting to meet a decent person again.

0

It's not something you can see from looking at a person, or even after you've gotten to know them for a while.
If I get even an inkling that she's going to cheat on me, if we can't talk it out, it's over.
Have I been burned in the past? Yes. Do I have trust issues? Yes, again.

0

I donno whether i answer ur question, what I believe is respecting your spouse is all needed.
I had seen ppl harassing n disrespecting each other and growing only ego.

1

I think we all learn different things because we all want and need different things. As you mention independence, I feel like that is something important to you, but I kind of learned the opposite. My ex-wife was too "independent." Independence was so important to her, that after she was sexually assaulted in the worst way while away at military training, she would never seek help or accept help. I understand the psychological trauma that can occur and stayed with her for 10 years after the incident, but her "independent" nature became so strong that it was one of the things that drove us apart.

Now, I'm looking for someone who has their life in hand, but accepts that she needs people. Doesn't have to be me all the time and I hope it isn't only me, but interdependence is part of partnership. I want someone who has weaknesses that I help and strengths who help me with mine. I want to feel lucky and I want her to feel lucky. I want her to know that I will always have her back and I never want to question if she has mine. I feel that is important in every personal or professional relationship and especially in a romantic partnership.

0

I learned not to make excuses for the other person. I excused little things at first and lowered my expectations and apologized for things that couldn't possibly have been my fault. I learned what a narcissist is and how to recognize them from the start. I never would have left my marriage if I hadn't stopped trying go be the good christian wife, enduring all hell just to be the wife god intends.

Enabling is a tendency that, I think, is human nature. A former partner was alcoholic and when she went into detox I was required to join Al-Anon. This group helps in learning the enabling tendencies many of us have and how to make others responsible for their actions. I am sure there are De-programing programs out there for the general public.

2

Respect your partner. Trust your partner. Commit to your partner 100%. Honour your partner. Support your partner. Otherwise, why be in a relationship? Better to be alone than compromising yourself.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:4842
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.