I'm so sorry...

I am deeply sorry. Everyone has a right to end their life the way they want. I hope it is peaceful for you.

You're right, it's nobodies business, and it's your decision. I'm going blind too but not from a tumor. I have to use a tool called Windows magnifier just to read and write on my computer. In less than five years I'll be legally blind, and in less than ten years I'll be without sight. That day will be incredibly painful for me because I live for the sunrise, it's my favorite time of the day. The anguish will be all the days leading up to that day, as every day it gets a little harder to see the morning sunrise. I'll have to settle for living for the sounds and smell of the morning. I think I'll push through my blind years though and wait for some other reason to end my days.

@BucketlistBob It's absolutely OK. I raised great kids. I have an awesome ex-husband. I have a fantastic lover. I have my furbabies, AND friends. I'm not the type to stick around clinging onto life being a burden to those I love. Thank you for the kind sentiment❣

@paul1967 I'm sad with you. Living with the sounds and smells of morning is beautiful and doable.

@BucketlistBob thank you for the kind words. I'll be alright.?

I admire your courage and your honesty. I am glad you have chosen to spend some of your precious time with us. Please let me know if there is any way I can help ease your suffering. What kind of music do you like? I have recorded and released many songs. If you PM me I will give you my Artist name so you can enjoy some music.

@jperlow thank you, it should go alright.

Best wishes to you on the best possible exit and all the good and colors until you can no longer bear it.
I watched my beloved FIL get chewed up in a hurry from glioblastoma.

@Qualia thank you. I'm sorry you went through that & glad you made it. Watching a loved one going through the change is NOT something easy. Dad is going through it, which prompted my decision.

@kensmile4u , thank you. This community seems very human. I need that. Laughing, a lot, helps. I'm probably THAT annoying person who's usually sunshiney & perky most of the time. When ya have nothing to lose, ya get real honest.?
Sssshhh, sometimes folks don't like it.
Feel free to PM me too.

@Emme It's a hard journey to watch. In the same year I lost my dh to stage 4 NSCLC. It pains me that they felt they had no other choice than to stick it out to the end.

@idlopalev Thank YOU❣ WE will have fun, laugh lots and even get through rough times here, together❣

@Qualia , i feel where you're coming from. Those are huge changes to experience. I usually don't talk about my plans because it's an uncomfortable subject for other people. That's painful that they told you they felt they had no choice. That hurts in my chest. I'm sad with you about that.

@Emme My FIL didn't say it but my husband did admit he thought about taking them both out one night but he said "I didn't want to steal anyone's goodbyes".
So therein lies the crux, how to proceed with your right to exit in a way you're ok with loved ones. I've never seen anyone in so much intractable pain in my life as my husband. If he had asked me I would have done anything for him.

@Qualia, people don't like to think about or talk about mortality. Idk why, it's natural & inevitable. Experiencing what you did, you understand that for some of us, death is a relief. While it's difficult for those involved to let go, the one who is suffering will no longer suffer. That's comforting, even though the subject IS uncomfortable. Be well my dear?

@Emme Thank you.
I do get it. Sometimes I have to work not to relive it by the calendar of events. I too often think in terms of "If only ___ 4 years ago"...."3 years ago shit was about to hit the fan" "2 years ago were surreal", "1 year ago I was catatonic or scream crying reliving his painful trip to the end".
This thread brought me to tears.
I truly support your right to quality of life over quantity and hope that you have supportive people around you and wish you to be as pain free as possible.

Do not let anyone "splain" you.
((( hugs )))

@Qualia yes, That's a daily thing over here as well. I'm feeling more and more like I'm nearing a breakthrough as far as being a better version of me. It feels good. I went through the grief process & I'm over it. I just wanna spread some "happy" before I go.??

big hug to you. i admire your courage & stamina in the face of the biggest challenge of all. may your "happy" be a long-lasting one.

@walklightly Thank you. Your kind words are much appreciated. All is well here.?

@VictoriaNotes I thank you for your kind heart but please do not let your heart wrench over me, but for those whom fear death, for they truly fear life, imo. I fear nothing, I hope for nothing, I am free. Do not feel sorry for my situation, but feel for others that are not free like me.

It's a good thing you have a daughter.

If or when I reach the stage that the quality of my life is not worth sustaining, I plan to end it myself.

@wordywalt I absolutely will too. I have an exit plan for when my life is nearing its end, and life is no longer the adventure it is today.

For many people that is really the only thing that stops them - how it will affect those close to them. It clearly wasn't the right time for you since you have come through and I hope you are happier now.

@CeliaVL Much happier, thank you. My second marriage is a good one.

I don't disagree. We should have the right to end our lives in peace and without the stress involved with the legal ramifications for your loved ones. I do, however, think people should get therapy before making such a massive step back into oblivion. I refuse to take drugs that mess with the psychological chemistry of my brain, but I wouldn't be opposed to talking to a professional.

the drugs available aren't all that great. I was on Zoloft a few years and it kills the worst of it but it's no cure and I never felt happy. I've found better relief using herbals honestly.

@CeliaVL, i fully agree with you in respects to the rights of older (or terminally ill) people to choose the moment of their own death. yet when my mother, 85 years old, took her own life, claiming an unbearable increase in physical ailments, it distressed me for the simple reason that i knew she was suffering from lifelong ptsd more than anything else - & was never openly able to communicate this. physically she was fitter at 85 than many 65 year olds.
as to treating depression with drugs: no way would i swap my occasional lows for a permanent state of numbness. i do sometimes have counseling though.

@walklightly I am sorry you are not comfortable with your mother's decision. It was her decision, though, and I am sure she didn't take it lightly.

@CeliaVL, that's right: she didn't take it lightly, which is what still pains me. if she would have communicated her decision with me - i am one of the people who would have fully accepted this. but she didn't, she was alone.

@Bierbasstard that's a damned good idea. Hopefully nobody needs either of these resources though.

I think that's a great idea, but I wouldn't want to be the one to start it. I can be careless sometimes with how I word things.

keep as cool as you can

I can't.... well I can but I won't. I fear doctors and yes I know it's irrational but being rational doesn't make my fear go away. I force myself to get a physical every so often, but I put it off sometimes for years. Therapy is a lifelong routine for me, and I know what a therapist is going to say before they know what they're going to say.

@paul1967 if you continue to ideate suicidal thoughts there is a very high likelihood you will attempt it. So I would make an appointment and also, you may need medication.

I truly appreciate that, but I know myself well enough to know I would never kill myself and I would never take meds to help with my mental issues. I have no problem with pills except when they psychologically alter my brain. I'm sure they are of great use to many people, but I'm not one of them. I depend on my ability to deal with my psychological issues on my own. I have an excellent network of people here like yourself willing to talk to me, and that is a huge help.

@paul1967 The best to you in your journey!

I've never been diagnosed. I avoid doctors and pills. I don't know what my problem is with doctors, but anytime I see a doctor I want to crawl out of my skin and run as far away from them as I can. So I would imagine my diagnoses would include a bit of medical paranoia.

@paul1967 I am sure there is something a decent dig into yourself would be able to uncover. Mental health professionals have been keeping me somewhat sane and alive since I was 15 years old.

I understand the feelings I'm having, and I recognize that these emotions are temporary. I've never come close to attempting to killing myself but I have thought about it. I've briefly considered what it would be like and that's enough to bring me back to reality. The thought that today's sunrise would be my last sunrise. It would be the last of too many things that bring me joy. I can't give up on my life. I can only deal with the pain and move forward.

@paul1967 Death is so final, and I feel that my life and life itself is still precious. I also have enough quality of life to make it worthwhile to keep going.

I'm that way about everything except loneliness. I can't shake that off quite the same way as I do everything else.

@paul1967 I used to get lonely AF. Once I realized that I preferred my own company to that of most people, my loneliness evaporated.

I have plenty of time to be dead and only a brief time to live. Anytime I think about ending things I think about that. My 50 years on this planet have gone by in what feels like a blink of an eye, and at best I have another 35 years ahead of me, and that is being incredibly generous.

Aethism makes your time on this mortal coil that much more valuable. Religiosity devalues it.

Im glad you're here.

@Emme Working on it, but thank you.

When I get to feeling like that, I think of the things I won't be around for, ever again. The simplest of things for me is the morning sunrise. I wake up most mornings around 5 am grab my coffee and sit on the balcony. I watch the squirrels play in the tree and listen to the birds chirping off in the distance. I wait for the sun to rise and then go inside to shower and get ready for the day ahead. That simple routine has kept me from ever wanting to pull the trigger.

Yeah, I'm with you on that, but that is entirely different because it will be when I'm suffering from great physical and unending pain.

Your right...

My first thought was this has to be a kid who just hasn't had to deal with life yet but I looked at your profile and you're a little older than me. I'm glad to know you haven't had to feel like this ever in your life. It truly sucks lol.

I appreciate your advice. I think the walking advice is something I might try. At the very least I might burn off a few calories. As far as doctors go, I wouldn't take anything other than their verbal advice. I hate pills, especially anything that messed with my psychological chemistry. I've been a witness to the damage that can do to people.

your feeling of guilt is perfectly understandable, but it isn't generated by real guilt. you, as a neighbour who has not been let into the know, can not be held responsible for another person's action. you aren't the authority in that scenery, but he was, & he acted this out the way he chose. i often wish for more openness in communication - just more communication.

Well, in Jamaica, the speak their dialect of English, and they can understand us. My parents grew up on the West Indies. They are poorer people, but people aren't shamed for being poor as it is more common there. It is possible to work into lower middle class through labor there without criticism since that is common.