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In death...

I wanted more than anything to believe that my Mum and 3.5 years later my Step - Dad of 37 years could not simply be ended when they died. It was my first true test of any possible belief in a higher, ethereal being or system. The result in my 'choice' to stick with the scientific (atheist /humanist) version of events, has I feel been the most emotionally costly path to plump for. It also means I have felt almost brutal when telling my young children that their loved ones have simply gone. Especially so, because it appears that the 'usual' way, is that most of their peers talk about their deceased significant others 'being with the angels' or 'looking down on us' or 'partying in the sky with Aunty Edith - or similar' as if what I was saying (or more to the point - WASN'T saying) sends the message out that for some reason, my children's dearly loved Grand parents somehow didn't make the grade? That they weren't 'accepted into the arms of god' (small 'g' intended as a non - significant / other) Of course, I was confident that the legacy they left in how I love them, what they gave to them both directly and through me and my Brothers, would speak to them of their significance adequately. But still, we live with others, who believe (usually it seems, by default) and cannot openly debate the reasons for their beliefs. With a population who I feel largely, think that they are not fellow learners, as I do. I just wanted to reach out and put this here. Thank you for reading x

Doubterbeliever 3 Apr 8
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20 comments

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0

Thanks for sharing, and take care.

0

I see it the same way. We both know it's not an easy pill to swallow.

1

I'm sure a number have had similar thoughts--at least I have.

1

Love

Ash22 Level 2 Apr 8, 2018
0

Its all good your welcome

1

This link time stamp 1 hour thirty three minutes in is worth a listen on this topic. I completely agree with Matt.

3

I hear ya. My mom has dementia and I am ready for her to pass, as well as my siblings, however one of my sisters says " She is ready for her to be with dad in heaven". I just let it pass but in my mind she just going to be bones in the ground next to him.

6

Sorry for your loss.

As others have said, I'd suggest something like, "They have moved on to become something else. They are still here, part of the universe, made up of stardust like we all are."

Good luck!

2

I cannot prove either way the existance of an afterlife therefore the answer is I don't know what happens next, maybe nothing maybe something. The harsh truth is that nobody else does either.

I think your view regarding a legacy says far more and is of more substance that you think but I accept the difficulties your children must have and the difficulties you have in that area.

Some people may have a faith or a hope that there is some sort of post death reunion and if that's what works for the individual then that's fine by me but not something I suggest or would concur with, as I said 'I don't know' can be the only rational conclusion....for me.

I would also acknowledge that I am not surrounded by people who wear there faith openly and so verbally as appears to be the case in a lot of the US, in the UK it seems to be a more private matter, so this almost confrontational after death experience is less prevalent over here.

I hope you find a way to balance your needs and non beliefs with the pressures that surround you.

3

I know death too well, but I can not image how much different it would be to deal with death while simultaneously dealing with cognitive dissonance. I have never subscribed to the notion of eternal life in the clouds, so dealing with my son’s death has been simply his nonexistence from day one.

2

So so sorry for your loss but remember as I posted elsewhere, energy is eternal.

1

it can be a touchy subject. but for me at least, i don't really feel 2 bad for not teaching my kiddos that dead people go 2 heaven or hell. i see things slightly different than you, in that while i personally don't believe you go 2 these places when you die, i conceed that it hasnt been completely disproven so in my eyes it could be possible. also in that i may not believe in heaven or hell, but i do believe that parts of us do end up getting kind of recycled and if you want 2 look at that as a part of you living on, thats cool. like when you die and get put in a grave, eventually your bits and pieces get used by something else, the water in you evaporates and is turned back in2 condensation, your tissues are digested by other organizms, and basically eventually you are gone. i teach my kids as many of the different beliefs as i can and also the scientific aspect of things, and let them decide how they feel about it for themselves, so i don't feel bad because it was their choice.

Byrd Level 7 Apr 8, 2018
1

Sorry for your loss. Losing family early must be hard.

2

I agree with you, and I can't bring myself to accept extraordinary fantasy as truth by default. I too refuse to use a capital g, and I am disheartened that so many people who I feel don't truly believe in a Disney for ghosts just accept it for the sake of convenience and conformity.

Hypothetically, if there's a god, who allows people to go on for decades before being reunited with lost loved ones without so much as a trace of proof that the reunion is possible is a sick bastard.

JimG Level 8 Apr 8, 2018
1

It’s always a challenge to come up with the “right words” in such situations. Here are a few I ran across recently that are pretty good:

3

I think the most important thing you can do for your children is consistently tell them the truth once they are past the believing in Father Christmas stage. If you tell them about inheriting their parents' and grandparents' genes and families being connected and carrying on in that way, and also in the fond memories we have of them, my experience is that they are happy with that.

3

It is this exact reason I don’t say those things to my children or anyone else’s. I dont’ want them to inadvertently say something that would devalue the life of a deceased loved one. When they ask me questions or have had a family member die, I tell them what I beleive about an afterlife and also always try and give them an alternate perspective. I don’t tell my children our loved ones are with the angels or looking down on them because even as a Christian person, I don’t beleive that is true.

". . . that would devalue the life of a deceased loved one"? When a "loved one" is alive, they have value. When that person dies, in what way does the life they lived (now gone as they are dead) devalued if you "don't say those things?"

@NoMagicCookie I was referring to her comment about her children. In a situation where the child could feel confused as to why this child’s loved is in heaven with the angels or looking down on them or whatever while his or her loved one is simply gone. In the case of a young child this could potentially be confusing and upsetting so we don’t say those sorts of things to our children. For those reasons and because I simply think it isn’t true.

1

What about it is a natural cycle.. Putting them in touch with nature.. Going back to the essence. Everything on this earth is a product of this big bang .. We are all made from recyled stardust.. They are going to the earth to join the rest of the stardust that got magnetized here 😉

They aren't so much dead as just part of a greater bowl of soup now. To us they are. As we don't see them .. But every atom of them is out there being recycled back into stardust. I would tell em something like that. It's true and not too ridiculous lol. Interesting post.

1

It's Always Difficult When Children Are Involved.They Hear Other People Talking About Heaven etc.My Opinion...Birth,Death, Everything In between Is Total Guess work.

Coldo Level 8 Apr 8, 2018
3

There are some good ways to explain death to children, without making up tooth fairy stories - saying they are always here because of their memories and that they don't need their bodies anymore, and something about atoms never die - I often use the word "stardust" to describe how they are now.... You can google more.

Aha you got there first lol 🙂

Exactly, the people that shape who we are remain with us in some ways. Not in a spiritual wishy washy way, but in our memories and how we live our lives.

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