What do we do with chemists when they die? We barium.

What did the chemist say when offered sodium bromide? NaBrO.

What goes clop clop clop BANG! clop clop clop BANG! clop clop BANG!? an Amish drive by shooting

What is black and white, black and white, black and white? A nun falling down the stairs.
What is black and white and laughing? The nun that pushed her.

There are three nuns working in the garden, picking tomatoes. One nun says to another, "I was cleaning the fathers room the other day and I found a box of dirty magazines." the second nun says, "well, what did you do with it?" the first nun replies, "I threw it away."
The second nun then says, "well, I was cleaning the fathers room last night and I found a box of condoms."
"what did you do with it?" asks the first nun.
"I poked a hole in each and every one of them." replies the second.
The third nun faints.

Thank you for posting these, they're great!

A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," replies the little girl.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie."

Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A man goes into a Pub and sees a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The man stands there for a few minutes, watching in disbelief. Finally the horse says to the man. "What, you've never seen a horse tending bar before?". The man replies, 'It isn't that, I just never thought the bear would sell the place."

ROBOT FOR SALE:

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Here's a set I recently used as a burlesque emcee and got some good groans out of...

What would Tom Petty be doing if he were alive today? clawing at the inside of his coffin.

(siren whistle) zooweeee

What, too soon?

What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus?? Takes just one nail to hang the picture...

(siren whistle) zooweeee

Don't get me wrong, I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's a little awkward.

(siren whistle) zooweeee