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Is life-long monogamy a "bad" idea?

I know, I know. The usual answer is people can choose what kind of relationship they want to be in. Fair enough. But I'm still curious about how the idea of monogamy shapes our thoughts and feelings about, and within, relationships. Is it possible that the monogamous model of relationships is the root cause of a lot of pain? Does it present an ideal that is unattainable for most people and contrary to human nature? If polyamory were the dominant model of relationships, would more people be happy?

ADistantShore 5 Apr 13
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14 comments

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0

Let me quote Oscar Wilde. "Bigamy is having one wife too many, a bit like monogamy."

Right. Now my tuppence-worth of comment.
This question is truly one-sided. If men were to have more than one wife, should not the same apply to women - the above question should be rephrased to include monoandry.
Just sayin' 🙂 🙂

@ADistantShore Now that was a good answer. Ever considered replacing it with "monotony"? 🙂 🙂 Lol!

0

Monogamy is not my bag, but if people want to lock themselves into a disturbing cage of regret, I suppose that is there problem, not mine.

0

If all of us here on this site are US citizens by birth how could you think monogamy is the norm. The divorce rate doesn't support this. The majority of people I have ever known have been unfaithful to their spouse at some point. The few who deny being unfaithful are likely to be lying in my opinion. Even how you define the boundaries for monogamy come into play. You think your man or woman never fantasizes about someone else while having sex with you? Is a hand job by a stripper at the club a defining factor for monogamy. Successful life long relationships I've noted have little to do with love and romance. It's been more a joint decision to work toward common goals. Stay together cause we are financially better off. Stay together for the betterment of our children. I'm to old to get anyone better that would have me. I don't love them but don't want to hurt them, they are a good person. Nothing really wrong with those reasons for staying commited to one person if you are not making yourself or someone else unhealthy. My personal choice is monogamy because everything else is to complicated. I could love two women equally, at the same time for different reasons. Sex and romance have an ambiguous relation. I can romantically love someone but not be sexually aroused by that same person. We have been conditioned to be monogamous. How many poor men through out time could afford multiple wives and endless children. None but the rich and powerful. Kings and sultans only. Maybe a few wealthy landowners?

1

All depends on the people involved.

I think monogamy is falsely promoted and endured by many simply because it's enforced by both polite society and the law.

Clearly, given the rampant cheating and scandal among "monogamous" couples it's not necessarily the biological or psychological norm it pretends to be.

Some of the religious-based polygamist lifestyles aren't fully consensual, and those fail on the immorality of using people against their will, but that's not the full breadth of poly relationships.

The notion of mistresses and cinq a sept isn't new, nor is it maligned everywhere like it is here.

I have poly friends who wanted to include me, but while I declined it wasn't because I morally disagree with their lifestyle, it's just not my thing.

I do believe monogamy laws, like many other pointless and arbitrary laws, need to go--especially as they still reek of biblical influence.

Consenting adults ought to be able to live however they choose, in whatever arrangement they want, for as long as they want.

2

It is only an idea. It is in its application that it can be good or bad.

2

I would be miserable if polamory were the dominant model - I'd choose to be alone instead of that situation. I won't accept anything other than a monogamous relationship and I want it to be long term, so my intentions are to work at that relationship in order to do everything I can to make that happen. That being said, I think people can make a commitment for the relationship to be life-long but I don't think anyone can predict the future to guarantee that they can keep that life-long commitment. For me, I won't promise something I'm not 100% sure I can keep, and that includes making a promise to stay with someone forever. I believe all humans are different, some are meant to be in a monogamous relationship and some are not. I think it's when you get into the wrong kind of relationship for you and/or the other person(s) that the problems arise. Finding out which one of those relationships you're meant to be in and finding someone (or someone's as they case may be) who is also meant to have that same kind of relationship will probably (along with all the other things you need to make a relationship succeed) make you more happy.

2

It's possible that life-long monogamy is less ideal but I couldn't do polyamory. I'm far too possessive of my partners and would really take it too personally that there is another person in my partner's life.

3

I think it would be great if the default was to agree on what type of relationship to have between the interested parties, rather than the assumption that it should be done a particular way.

1

It is a great idea, and has been for a very long time. Becoming less achievable though.

3

I figure you should do whatever blows up your skirt.

Whatever or whoever? 😉 Lol

2

I won't settle for anything less than monogamy in a relationship, and I won't involve myself in a committed relationship that I don't expect to last. If that means I stay single the rest of my life, then so be it. There are worse things that can happen.

Deb57 Level 8 Apr 13, 2018
1

Polyamory I think is more of a tribe mentality. The group works for the betterment of the whole. We live in a "me" culture now. Yuo would have to live in a different type of society for that to work, like how Mormons do.

I think people are doing more than one marriage just like careers since they are not bound as older generations were.

2

I don't think one dominant model would increase happiness. There are too many variables involved. Too many different personalities with different degrees of needs, wants, and desires that can change over time. Honest communication and trust in any relationship are necessary to define that relationship. So, in the end, it has to be different strokes for different folks.

Betty Level 8 Apr 13, 2018

@ADistantShore

Affairs, guilt, jealousy, and despair are the results of a lack of honest communication and trust.

Over the last few generations, the relationship lifestyles have become more commonplace. People are experimenting more and waiting longer before committing to a long-term relationship. As the next generations make alternative relationship lifestyles socially acceptable there will be no need for a dominant model as young adults are more aware of their needs than previous generations.

@ADistantShore

In past generations, religions had dominion over marriage. Do you see the difference now and the potential for the future?

2

Having just one other to contend with , is more than enough to handle . I'm better off on my own .

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