Agnostic.com

43 7

"Friends with benefits"

What's your take?

bleurowz 8 Apr 15
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

43 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

6

No thanks, not for me. I'm strictly a long term relationship kind of lady.

5

I think it's actually the ideal basis of a good relationship. (Yes, I'm choosing to be literal here, it feels appropriate.) If you really are friends and getting those benefits, what more could you ask for? Love? Can we even define love? When the falling in love is over, I'd like to be able to see my friend still standing there, instead of the guy who used to make me giddy but somehow, stopped. Falling in love is fun, but it's a biochemical trap. Sometimes I wish I were immune to it.

5

Casual sex makes me feel empty and sad.

5

I've never seen it work for long.
Someone always gets their feelings hurt.

That also happens in a loving, committed relationship. I have been in FWB relationships for as long as 10 years. Of course they ALL come to an end eventually as do most marriages and other relationships.

@jlynn37 Your mileage may vary. Like I said, I've never seen it work for anyone for long. There are always exceptions.

@KKGator Enjoy life while you can, for as long as you can and with those that give you fulfillment, pleasure and happiness.

5

Fun, but ultimately unfulfilling.

4

I’m a romantic and can’t imagine there not being a natural progression to something more or a broken heart on one side and lost friendship. But that’s my heart, I hear there are people who can manage it. When I try to hide my feelings I just come off as cold. Cold isn’t sexy imo so how does it even work? Lol

3

Great on paper. In practice, not so much.

I'll never do it again--and not because I'm the one that catches feelings.

3

I don't think it would work well for me.

Me either...yikes!

3

For the longest time I thought this was a union thing.

^^Winner

3

That would depend largely upon the individual, if he/she is looking for a deep relationship or if a roll in the hay would do just fine? Personally, I've enjoyed quite a few casual encounters with women both younger and older than myself, and none of them were interested in anything long term. Besides, "brief encounters" could make for excellent mood boosters and alleviating stress threshhold.

3

Yes, NO, maybe, ok sometimes if I don't care about the friendship.

2

I wonder if we have varied conceptions of what "Friends with benefits" means. Is it friends who already know each other, then decide to take a chance on sex for fun and hope it doesn't mess up the friendship? That seems really risky to me. But starting sexual activity early on with a newly met friend doesn't seem nearly as risky, at least in the sense that there is relatively little already invested in that relationship that one stands to lose if it goes sour.
Warning: Way too much personal information ahead. Read on at your own risk. lol

I'm gay. I came out pretty late in life. I've had exactly two boyfriends to this point. Not sure that being gay automatically makes the dynamics fundamentally different from straight couples, but I do believe the cultural expectations are different. Gay men are significantly more likely to have sex early on in the acquaintanceship. My first boyfriend experience came following the end of my 25 year, monogamous marriage. I was thinking, "Oh I'm not at all promiscuous, and I want to know the other guy well before jumping into physical stuff." So we beat around the bush, both of us, for a few months before our intentions were finally clarified. Even though we tried to talk to get to know each other, in hindsight we were both in a diplomacy mode of trying to make a good impression that we still didn't get to know important things about the other until after the physical relationship started. It was a few months after things got physical that I came to realize we were quite mismatched in spirituality and politics and socio-economic attitude. I began to feel more and more irritated by what he stood for==low taxes, sheltering his property wealth at the expense of social justice. He was also insecure and yet judgmental of other people a lot, and constantly "confessing" to his long-time priest, who kept telling him he could be gay but HAD to be celibate to be "right with God." As you can imagine, that didn't sit well with this heathen, and I couldn't understand why he didn't throw that religious condemnation shit out the window. While I was seeing increasingly that we were not a good match, he was busy imagining the rest our lives together, secretly house shopping "for us," and dreaming of all that holy matrimony stuff that I had already had 25 years of. What marriage taught me was that there is always compromise. Sure, sometimes it's well worth it, --and it sure helps to be compatible sexual orientations-- but the compromise is generally still significant. I don't want that at this point in my life. I want to hang on to more of that independence that I only recently found again. A "casual" relationship can be a great fit for that, if with someone looking for similar things.

I am now with someone I met through a dating site; we established immediately through our statements on that site that we share political and non-religious views, like the same kinds of food, have very similar education levels, and can talk for hours and hours and enjoy it. Having said that, we went to bed together on our very first in-person meeting. It was fantastic. Never in my life have I done that before. Neither of us at this point in our lives is looking to give up our own home space; we have similar time demands from our careers, and we are mostly content to be on our own. We just were missing opportunity for physical affection and intimacy. I don't call this friends with benefits. I think it is something more, but it definitely starts with an acknowledgment that we both were looking for a sexual connection FIRST, and to be able to relate intellectually and socially SECOND. Both are important, and I could be happy if this develops deeper (we've just been together a couple months), but many might consider this casual sex, which I don't object to, and THEY might consider it risky. I say on the contrary, that insisting that the only path for a relationship to "count" is ultimately to aim at an exchange of rings, white picket fence, and 2.4 children and a dog named Spot is actually putting waaaay too much pressure of people for relationship "magic" to happen. Far better, in my view and at this stage of my life, to be happy with my own life as I put myself out there enough to have a decent chance of finding someone whose company I enjoy and who can feel the same toward me. If it means going through multiple attempts before finding someone who proves to be nicely compattible, it is still worth it. So far I am happy with my conscious decision to keep an open mind and not expect anyone out there to be some Prince Charming who is suposed to "make me happy." My happiness is my own responsibility. If I don't put that extra pressure on the other guy and just keep an open mind to see what can develop, I think that serves me best. So far so good with this current venture!
(Yeah, I know...clear as mud!) 😉

I wouldn't exactly call that 'friends with benefits' in the usual sense of the term, but it's an interesting insight nonetheless.

2

I’ve never had that.

2

FWB is OK and having a permanent one is too.

2

Has never worked out for me

2

Is what I prefer and seek. At my age, mostly just a cuddle buddy but could work something out for more if both agreed.

1

As long as people are being honest with each other, it can be a beautiful thing as long as no one has expectations.

Corvus Level 6 June 21, 2018
1

Im old school if I am intimate with a woman ,I have to have feelings for her it has to mean some thing.
I think the whole friends with benefits kinda of cheapens things.

1

Everyone's take on this has been so interesting. Thank you all for your feedback. I've never done it, but that doesn't mean I couldn't, I just don't know. But it's something that's presented itself as a possibility.

1

I have very few friends I sleep with, but I sleep with a lot of friends of friends. Most of my close friends are straight.

1

I've have had "friends with benefits" as a way to satisfy sexual needs in between relgionships.

There are drawbacks. For instance if you have sex with a logn standing friend, the friendship changes, and very oftne the friendship is eventually lost.

1

Never had an fwb experience, I'd be open to it. I think it can work for the right people.

1

Go for it...

1

I was just online this morning chatting with an old FWB (we both stopped when we got into relationships that led to marriage more than 20 years ago). So as long as you can keep the friendship, then go for it... if you can handle it.

1

I don't have a problem with it, and yes I do have a couple of friends with benefits. One is an ex who I did not talk to for a few years due to what she did to me, we can never be in a relationship together, but retain common interests including one of her sons that fostered with me after we split. The other 2 are ladies I met on dating sites, they contact me between relationships and we scratch each others itches until they find a new love interest. Benefits cease when one starts seeing another person.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:58541
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.