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LINK my new hire is too attractive for me to manage her — Ask a Manager

I love Ask A Manager, I read her blog every day. She give great advice and has great contributors. One of the letters in today's blog got a great answer from her, and I thought I'd share. Click the link to read the replies and comments as well, there were over 300 comments when I posted.

A reader writes:

I feel like a bad manager for even asking this question, but I find one of the new hires assigned to me to be amazingly attractive. I would never act on it, or do or say anything unprofessional, but I find it unbelievably distracting. When I look at the coaching and 1:1 work I do with my other employees, I outright KNOW I will be uncomfortable doing that with this new hire.

I fully realize that the fault is entirely mine. The new person has done nothing wrong. However, I also know it would be much better for that employee if they worked for someone else.

The question is, how do I tell my manager that I’d prefer this employee be managed by one of our other team leaders? (There are several of us who manage very similar teams so it’s not like the new employee would have a manger who knew nothing about their work area.) Obviously it would be VERY unprofessional to say, “Hey, can you move S to another team because I find them too attractive and distracting.” Or should I say nothing, be professional, and hope the feeling passes with time?

I’m skeptical that you can’t find a way to move past the fact that she’s attractive and manage her just like you would any other employee. We deal with attractive people in our lives all the time and generally we manage to get past whatever initial distracting glow they might have and treat them like normal humans … because they are in fact just fellow humans. Can you really not do that?

Your letter doesn’t indicate that you’ve even tried yet! You say you know you will be uncomfortable doing coaching and one-on-one work with her … which sounds like you haven’t attempted it? If I’m reading correctly and “I need to move her to another team” was your immediate, off-the-cuff reaction … that is a bad first reaction. Where’s the part where you try to hold yourself to a higher standard? Would it not make sense to get to know her as a colleague — to spend some time interacting with her as an employee rather than just deciding right off the bat you can’t?

Keep in mind there are disadvantages to her if she’s moved: she’s presumably already begun getting comfortable on your team and forming relationships there, and how exactly would the move be explained to her and to others? What if the next manager finds her attractive too? Do we just keep shuffling her around, or do we expect managers to pull it together and carry on?

This is a you problem, not a her problem, and it’s not fair to let it affect her work life.

Plus, what happens the next time you have an attractive team member — do they get moved too?

If you really can’t make yourself treat this employee fairly, then you’re right that it might be in her best interest to be moved to another manager. But that would be a profound failure on your part if that happens!

I’m torn on what to advise you, because I certainly don’t want this woman stuck working for someone who’s stuck on her looks and who won’t give her the same access and coaching you give to others … but moving her sucks too.

You really need to solve this on your side — hold yourself to a higher standard and figure out a way to make her looks irrelevant to you. If you can’t do that, I think you have to question if you should be managing a team at all.

(I don’t mean that as hyperbole and I don’t even mean it in a scoldy way, really. I mean it literally. You’re seriously considering upending someone’s work life because you find her hot! What about the next person you’re uncomfortable with — whether it’s because they’re super attractive or uncomfortably disfigured or much older than you or much younger than you or a different socioeconomic class or they remind you of an ex or have a grating voice? You’re either committed to trying to manage people fairly and equitably without that stuff sidetracking you … or you’re not.)

HippieChick58 9 Apr 26
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5 comments

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1

It's hard but you have to get over it, don't penalize the employee. I had a cute employee and never acted on it, she really respected me and seemed like me but I never acted on it

bobwjr Level 10 Apr 27, 2021
4

I worked for 10 years with an educational organization, designing, implementing, and managing new programs. Within that organization was a woman thought was one of the warmest, most positive , and sexiest women I have ever known. However, I lived by this rule: Never get involved with a woman at work or with a woman who is crazier than you are.

I never acted on my perception or told her about my perceptions until my last day with that organization. I was moving on to a more lucrative position as an assistant superintendent of a school district. I think that she did appreciate hearing my perceptions on that safe last day.

4

Strong attractions can be difficult to mask. I was once attracted to a subordinate and never acted on it. I treated her the same as I did the rest of the team.
Unfortunately she received hostility from her female colleagues.
After she resigned from the company I admitted it to her. She actually knew it.

Unity Level 7 Apr 26, 2021

Prolly ever other guy in the place was too. The cute ones are used to it.

@barjoe You are probably right. Which fueled the hostility from the other women

@Unity If you treated her the same as you did the rest of the team, how did she know you were attracted to her before you told her?

@LovinLarge Could have been my eyes. Even without realizing it without verbally expression or actions our eyes can be read.

@Unity Except why would she have been treated with hostility by her female colleagues if she was treated the same as the rest of the team?

@LovinLarge often times in life people treat others with hostility for reasons that may or may not be just.

I've been in both positions - in one job, my new trainee was incredibly hot, and it was hard to hide my attraction. In another job, my supervisor was obviously smitten, though he did his best to remain professional.

In my opinion, it's uncomfortable either way. But the best we can do is try to remain professional, right? Even if our blushing or stuttering gives us away...

@AmyTheBruce you're correct. Keeping it professional is the right thing to do.

3

Very important issue, thank you. People need to stop sexualizing the work environment, no exceptions. In this case, the manager should be moved, not the employee.

5

The reader uses gender neutral pronouns and never says it's a she when describing the situation. It could be a person of same sex, that would be more difficult to manage. Allison, "manager writer" discusses this as if it's a hot female employee. In that case, I'd just tell him to grow up. Hasn't he ever seen a girl before?

I didn't even notice that the initial letter was completely gender neutral! Oh my, are my biases showing?

Thank you for pointing that out. It's good to question my own assumptions now and then.

@AmyTheBruce Your not biased.

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