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Was I too harsh with this guy on a dating site?

On Fitness Singles, a man send me a lame, canned profile interest message. "I would like to learn more about you. Wanna chat?" Not again. I figure if a guy cannot personally write a message, he's lazy.

He only posted one gloomy, unsmiling photo from the chin up. When people do this, I figure they are not proud of what's below their chin. My reply:

Hi Jeff,

Why do you look so glum in your photo? Did you notice I'm smiling in all of my pictures?

The psychology is if you look happy, people will see you as a fun person they would enjoy being around. A genuine smile is inviting, warm and attractive.

Please post a recent smiling photo. Show your pearly whites! You also need a recent full body photo, fully clothed, of course.

I'm glad we live close and both enjoy hiking.

But every man I met with closed-lip photos was hiding horrid teeth. Ugh. I cannot imagine kissing that. I've reached the point where I won't meet a man with closed-lip photos.

Kathleen

LiterateHiker 9 June 5
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16 comments

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1

Depends whether you want a candid photo or a p.r. photo. What if he isn't a smiling type of guy? Why not just accept what you're getting in a photo, or move on? If it's a full-length photo no way can you make out the facial features or mood of a person. People who demand to examine a candidate's teeth are usually after a horse.

2

it always bugged the shit outa me when a fat entitled girl who takes sneaky angle shots to hide her size, creates a profile only indicating her wants

and my o my women have high standards

u want a tall guy but when the guy wants a woman who is in shape, he becomes a typical pig in her eyes

online dating is a major waste of time for all guys, i feel bad for us men cuz its so much work to get the gal

so much frikken pressure at all ages

1

As a guy who is not currently happy with himself below the face, I can see what he/they are trying to do. Perhaps low mood or depression has led to letting go somewhat and they are looking for a reason to kick start improvement.
Now a stock reply, Strewth! If I write to a lady, then it is a unique message, never cut and paste. In that a slap down is needed.
I'm more than a fat bloke in his late fifties, I've got a brain, a sense of humour, hopes, fears, life baggage, likes and dislikes.
Now I've been on a couple a dates with a lovely lady, it's given me incentive to loose the belly and tone up my butt. If nothing comes of it, then at least I'm making progress to rebuilding me.
So, to any guys reading this, make an effort and be truthful. To the ladies, maybe give us men who make an effort a chance to be who we really are.
To Kathleen, I wish you success in finding that special lover or lovers to share your life.
Tony xx

1

Your response was fine, especially if he takes the advice to heart. If not, it's still fine (he's not worthy of you) and spent a little extra time.

I would likely have stopped after his written response. If someone is that lazy, mentioning nothing about what is in your profile, why they reached out, at least a little about them (or you can access their profile, and it is well-written) then they aren't worthy of a response.. Every time that's happened (literally every time) the person is somewhat to a lot lazy, and not terribly bright. I also agree on smiling in pictures, it is a red flag if people do not. Life is too short to be miserable.

simpin aint easy

2

Life's too short, you weren't overly harsh to my thinking. I've been accused of it myself. I pointed out it's a time saver rather than get all involved with someone for a few weeks to a month and possibly causing hurt feelings then.

3

I think you handled it better than 99.9% of people would have. Usually I just say those things in my head and move on … I don’t bother reaching out. But your feedback could help him improve his profile, and perhaps even his chances of meeting someone. Hopefully he sees it that way and acts on your feedback.

@Aqunzelle

Thank you, dear.

3

You could say that you have had people lie about their shape in the past and ask for a full body pic.

MizJ Level 8 June 5, 2021

@MizJ

Good idea.

3

I try to have a full length picture in my profile. The smiling is a reasonable request.

When I reach out to someone I try to point out something in their profile that speaks to me. At least it shows I read the profile. But then again there are those whose profile it blank. It’s hard to know how to initiate contact without something to connect with.

3

Sometimes there are deeper reasons some of us do things that others don't see or can't know. When, I was young I had a serious crowding of my teeth. My two upper front teeth were a bit large and other kids called me 'bucky'. That got to be a sore spot and even though, today, others do not notice (until I say something) it is still with me. Once, I had to send my daughter back to her mother (long story). I joined a mens grieving group and we all sat in a circle and talked about our 'issue. One guy who sat across from me was gay and had lost his partner. At the next session the moderator wanted us to talk about how it felt being in such a group. When it came to this guys comment he said he felt he was being listened to except by and he pointed at me. He said it didn't seem I was listening as I didn't make eye contact. When it came my turn I mentioned how I was shy especially in a new crowd. Under such circumstances when I speak it makes me more conscious when everyone is staring at me. I apply this to others and don't stare at them but I am listening as one listens with their ears not their eyes. I also said I didn't come here to be judged and left. Often, when my late partner was talking about some crazy thing I would roll my eyes and she would make a remark. I explained I was raising my eyes with her not at her and that sometimes I felt when we are talking I needed to wear a paper bag over my head (she was super sensitive to others body language).

4

For what it's worth from my point of view as a very long term not looking-er.

Looking for a partner is a lot like job searching -- there's a bunch of nos followed by one yes. The nos can come for a variety of reasons and can come from either the applicant or the reciever.
Everyone involved knows the game and they know how seldom yesses happen -- especially when sex is involved.

As long as you aren't petty or mean I'm not sure what else you can do. If you're trying to help their future success, speak up. If you're not, then the sooner you can break contact with them the better -- for both your sakes.

I personally respect honesty and forthrightness. And of course part of the question is how much you each bring to the situation -- both need and supply.

A bad choice yields little but frustration and wasted effort. Your choices and chances are yours -- as are theirs. Don't let (possibly imagined) consequences rule you.
How's that for a classic Stoic statement? Can't you just hear Epictetus talking?
Ha, ha.🙂

3

most importantly he might have learned something about you and himself.

1

Great response!

5

I totally agree that smiling pictures are nice and inviting. However, the last man I met from a dating site had a serious picture, but turned out to have a great smile!

4

At first I thought yes you were too harsh but after reading the entire text I appreciate your honesty. I’ve had bad teeth and it took a lot of time and money to get them to look good.
As far as the lazy interest messages I am guilty of that as well until I gave up on online dating. I would come across countless fake profiles or women who were miles away or someone who wanted me to spend money on her cam site. I did not want to spend time and energy coming up with something original until I could be fairly certain that they were genuine.
I eventually gave up on the whole thing. I could not handle all the dishonesty

I hear you; I just spent a long time (the whole pandemic) talking with someone who was very dishonest about a lot of things. By the time we met, I really thought I liked him. It was like finding out my dog was really a cat. It's amazing how someone can hide their true personality when just Zooming. :'(

5

No, you are letting people know your needs and if they can work with them. Start with the minimum.

7

FWIW I don't think you were too harsh. Life is just too short to not be direct. When I was on dating sites I wouldn't even consider contact from someone wearing a plain white T shirt or holding a dead fish. For me, good ol' boys need not apply. We've all got our triggers, that was mine.

@HippieChick58

Thank you.

Look at the difference in these photos. I vote for the happy, smiling man.

@LiterateHiker The first guy just looks bored and sad. No enthusiasm, no joy, no glimmer of hope. How sad for him. The second guy looks like he is ready to enjoy whatever happens next.

@HippieChick58

Exactly.

@HippieChick58 So perhaps it goes beyond just a smile but eyes and other facial expressions. The Germans often have a reputation for being stand-offish and snobby. While in Germany a lot of them said Amis' were 'shallow.' I remember doing the 'Du' ceremony with another. I was told it takes time for a German to know and trust another especially an auslander.

@JackPedigo Yeah, but this dude likely wasn't a German. I found the Germans very friendly. I was also in Bavaria which has a reputation for being friendlier than the north. And it was also more than 30 years ago. When you're on a dating site you want to look approachable. Most dating sites I've been on gave tips for good pictures. This guy seems like he skipped those.

@HippieChick58 Yes, I had forgotten about the Catholic part of Germany. I think, not just me but others, are their own worst critics of how they look. We try to put on our best face. Again, right, the one guy didn't seem to care.

@HippieChick58 seems like a strong argument for not using a photo that you took from your computer camera while in the middle of logging into a dating site for the first time. That first guy might have a nice smile, but he needs a better context.

the photo I use was cropped from a happy hour picture where I'd had just enough beer, but not too much. As soon as I saw my smile in that picture, I tossed the professional headshot that I had been using since a posed photo will never have as good of a smile.

@deepeddy If I used a picture taken by my computer camera as I'm logging into anything, I'm sure I'd never ever have a date again and I'd scare the grandchildren. Your picture does show a very nice smile and you don't look well lubricated at all.

@HippieChick58 as I said "just enough but not too much".

@deepeddy Ah, got it. For me that is a very thin line, so thin... and so easy to miss. Seriously, one drink puts me to sleep.

@LiterateHiker Hey, Ted Bundy had a terrific smile, oozed charm, and hundreds of women literally fell for him.

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