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A better place, really?

When my mother passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack, her last words were that she did not want to die. She was Christian. I live in an area that is high in Christian belief. I do not wear a sign that says "hey I am not christian" but I just kept getting more and more angry when each person that passed by me in the line to give condolences said "she is in a better place". I just wanted to scream at tell everyone.. "no no she is not in a better place. She is dead. She did not want to die." I know most people feel comfort believing this. I can't say I absolutely know what will happen after death but the concept of the Bible heaven and hell just seems so ridiculous. What bothers me is that the 'believers' around here never consider what others believe.... or care what others believe when in these situations. They just ramble on with their believing mumbo jumbo crap. When I go to a funeral of a friends loved one, I don't say "oh what a beautiful coffin you picked out for your loved one to decompose in and take up space in another space wasting grave"

DeiP 5 Oct 4
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23 comments

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7

If I hear the "they're in a better place", "he/she is at peace now", "they no longer have to suffer", etc any more I think I'll scream. I lost me dad, two brothers, a husband and an ex-husband within a year of each other. No one should lose that many loved ones in such a short period of time.

As horrible as that was, having a pastor tell me that I should be glad that my 3 week old son died (SIDS) because now he won't have to go through all the trials/tribulations....... well that was it for me. Thinking back I should have let my step-son beat the crap out of the guy but stopped him.

Wow, I am so very sorry to hear you have suffered so much loss. Virtual HUGs!

Life is not fair. So sorry. It could happen to any of us at any time.

5

For some its just a way to cope, but for some its just a way to live in denial. It all comes down to context.

I am usually not offended by these things when people say them. I just roll my eyes physically or figuratively but when I am crying and just watches my mother take her last breath after she said she didn't want to die the least people could do is not say that sort of shit to me. I had to leave the greeting line before I started screaming at people. When I go to other people funerals I try hard to not offend their faith. AND what really got under my skin was the ones that knew how I believed tried to convert me at this point. That just made me livid.

I get it, DeiP, it is a hard thing to do, depending on the situation. I know there a few in which I want to tell them "There is no God, there is no Heaven, that person is six feet under, turned into ash" or whatever is happening to the body.

Yep I was ready to start screaming at the funeral. Luckily I had my daughter with me and she was only 3 so she helped me feel grounded and distracted from some of the people.

5

Don't get me started... I had to swallow so much religious platitude BS when my husband died (sorry about your mom, by the way. I'll freak when my mom's time comes!). "In a better place", really? Like having a happy marriage, working in a business of your own making, and getting watch your kids grow up in so awful...

Zster Level 8 Oct 8, 2017
4

Ive heard them all in my line of work, the most common one for sure is "he or she is in a better place" I just smile and nod. Whatever helps these people is fine, I also hate the term "passed away" I prefer so and so died. DIED we don't pass away we die.

I do say passed away instead of moved on. I feel sometimes died feels harsh. I am trying to think of other things I use or could but I am working on a good headache now.

People are hypocrites. A friend who knew both my parents, one day told me and my sister that we shouldn't be unhappy. She sees it a different way. She knows that my parents are looking down from heaven. We told her that it was inappropriate for her to say and that it gave us no comfort and was not going to make us stop missing. Now her mother is coming to the end of her life and all we hear is how upset she is to think about it and that she is going to me a basket case when her mother dies. We reminded her of her comments about our parents. She doesn't know how to answer, except to say that it is different. Fuck her! What a lack of empathy.

4

Well, I was at my mother's side when she died. Her last words were, "God's coming." I looked up but didn't see anything but still I wonder. Her last months were harsh and all the calls to 911 to revive her were horrible, scary moments of life and death. Now that that's all over I can clearly say she's better off dead because now she's no longer suffering. So if you consider death a place then yes she's in a better place because life was shit before she died.

SamL Level 7 Oct 19, 2017
4

I guess we can only take comfort in our own convictions, and let others cope with events in their own way. It is a hard time when loved ones die and others are saying what makes them feel better even if it conflicts with your thoughts, but it is a measure of our maturity how we handle the social situation.

I understand it is their way to cope. I knew it would be that way before I attended the funeral. This is why I did not make an issue of it to anyone. The whole funeral thing was for her as respect to the way she would like it and for the majority of the other greivers. For me it was the absolute worst thing for me and honestly made my grieving process so much more difficult. But I went through it all for everyone else without any complaints.... well non that were voiced that is. What I was inadequately trying to get at with this comment was to touch on the fact that I am so very very tired of being considerate of others beliefs especially when they never seem to give a moment of thought about it in return. I wonder if other non religious people have grieving issues because they are stuck grieving with mostly religious people in their midst? Would my grieving process have been easier to deal with if I did not attend my own mothers funeral? Why do I always feel I have to be respectful to religious friends and family when I do not feel I get the same respect in return? I guess i have had this on my mind since my mother died almost 10 years ago and i have been holding this in until I could feel comfortable letting it out. It is so nice to be able to vent here. Finally

4

I had to laugh and honestly not at your pain but because I've felt those same feelings of, how stupid are you my father is dead and the place he is, is 6 feet underground. A better place would be alive not in the freaking ground. Go away a peddle your BS to someone dumb enough to buy it, you piece of $#it!
I'm sorry she had to go, especially because she wasn't ready to stop being present in your life. There is nothing that can be said that makes that pain go away and all I can say is, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Thank you! It was difficult dealing with her loss and also having to be gracious to others who I knew where just trying to be nice. I know most were not trying to be ignorant but that is part of societies problems .... the assumptions.

4

First, let me offer you my condolences for your grievous loss. I, too, lost my mother fairly recently (3 years ago), so I have at least some idea of what you are likely going through. Then again, my mother was 90 while you lost your mother much more unexpectedly. That is beyond my experience. In any case, I hope that the grieving process has included sweetness as well as sorrow.
As for your irritation over "she is in a better place," I certainly empathize. Far better as a form of solace would have been for them to share a memory they have of your mother, so that you might thereby know just how many ways she touched people's lives. It's sad, but our society doesn't really know how to deal with death.

Truer words... America as a culture that hides from death, even the old European fairy tales dealing with death gets rewritten to exclude the very message of death. Hans Christian Andersen wrote Snow White, and The little Mirmade both of the story were revised to hide death or the implications of not being true to yourself. We don't get taught as children what death is, and the idea of Heaven is part of this problem, even in secular homes unfortunatly.

Thank you so much. There was a lot of emotion at her funeral. She was loved by many. And many memories have been shared at her funeral and in the years since. Everyone takes solace in the fact that they feel she is in heaven looking down on us. I take solace in the fact that she had a good life and was loved by many and she is missed by many. I am also glad she got to have time with her only granddaughter before she passed. But I just think she is gone except for the memories of her everyone has.

3

When any living creature dies, it no longer suffers, but it no longer loves or experiences joy. Death is a reality and reality is no always pleasant. I lost my mom 4 yrs ago and my dad 3 yrs ago. I held my mom's hand as she died and I was more convinced than ever that death is nothing but the end of life..
What happens to you is the same thing that happens before you were born. Here are two great links about death: 1. What we should think about death-

2. What happens after death-[facebook.com]

Agreed. Sorry you lost you patents. HUGs! Thanks for links .... will check them out

3

I mean, to some people death can be peaceful

Yes that is true.

2

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, @DeiP, and for the torture you've had to go through from obtuse believers. I can remember how exasperated I was by their comfort after my husband died, particularly with the things told our 3-yr old daughter. "Your Daddy is waiting for you up in heaven" was a winner, as was "He's always watching over you." It confused and scared her. Fortunately, I dealt with our grief logically and I think my daughter came out of it very well-balanced. She knows dead is dead, and I often had to suppress a smile when someone said something stupid thinking to comfort her and my darling child looked up at them sweetly and explained frankly, "No, my Daddy is dead. Dead is dead." It totally stumped each an every one of them (yes, I enjoyed this more than a little.)

I realize that the brainwashing by religion is to discourage people from actually feeling emotions, so they can't become whole, and I usually feel sorry for them, but it's a lot to deflect when you're dealing with grief. It sounds like a lot of people here have been in similar circumstances so feel free to vent or talk or whatever, whenever you need to. And I'm always available if you want to take it offline. {{{ hugs }}}

Your daughter sounds precious. My daughter was about the same age but people did not talk to her as much as us adult family members. But it being her father I can see why they focused on trying to comfort her more so than what happened on my situation. I do think a few ppl told her grandma is an angel now or something like that. She does not even remember it. I do remember her playing and dancing at the service and a few people tried to get me to make her sit still. She was not LOUD just not quiet. I put stop to that crap by saying my mom would prefer to see her happy.

Yep did the post again before I was finished. But yes sometimes it does feel like religion keeps people from cognitive thought and from actually dealing with their emotions. It is sad. If ever need to talk I am here for you too. I am so very very sad to hear about the loss of your husband. I can't even imagine going through that with a toddler. Tons of hugs and admiration.

Thank you for your kind words, @DeiP, and good for you for letting your daughter dance and play at your mother's service! What a beautiful reminder of life she was for the people open enough to see it.

I think having my daughter saved me after my husband died - you can't ignore the basic needs of a toddler for very long so withdrawing into myself wasn't really an option. And I think protecting her - like you did with your daughter at the service - helped me deal with my own grief, so I consider myself very lucky.

2

My father, whom I greatly respect even though he is a Christian pastor is fond of saying that we judge ourselves based on our motives but others based on their actions. When I find myself becoming upset I try to ask myself if the person that has bothered me truly intended to be hurtful or if that feeling was already within me and awaiting a reason for expression.

I know this cannot completely eliminate pain, especially in an emotionally trying time like that, but it does help. It will also help you to respond in an appropriate manner when the time comes.

I totally get what you are saying. I do tend to do this sort of thing in real life. What bothers me is that people tend to make so many assumptions without any thoughts. Not just in moments of grief but in every day life. They assume that everyone believes what they belief. And some go as far as even if they do know it is not the case that everyone does not believe what they believe they do not care or even try to show respect for the others. This was my main reason for posting this comment.b

2

They offer what comfort they can, which is what comforts them. Condolences are one of those clumsy things in life. The loss when someone dies can be overwhelming, and it can be hard or impossible to find the right thing to say. The fact they don't know you're not one of them means they may have no clue that this upsets you.

I get it really I do. But it is frustrating when those that know me say these things. I think it is one of those selfish habits. I usually play along with them for them because I feel they need it. But even if I believed in heaven that place just really is not the best place NOW. She did not want to go. We were not done with her yet. So I just hate that saying. I would prefer they just say "now she is on heaven" maybe add "looking down on you". But not a better place. Was she miserable here? Did she not like being around us? I know it is all just words and I know what most mean by their words. It is why I did not say anything at the time. But mentioned it here because I wondered who else has the same thoughts on it.

2

More than 10 years before my mother died she was suffering from a terrible disease, Alzheimer's. She doesn't know who we are anymore. And there was this funny incident when one time she kicked my father out of their bed and scolded him, "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

Those 10 years could've been the saddest part of our lives, she cannot feel our love anymore, she doesn't care because she doesn't know what's going on anymore. She passed away peacefully in her sleep at age 81. She was in fairly good health then. We were expecting her to live some more years since her elder sister and brother died at the age of 94 and 92.

Sorry to hear about you Mom! It is hard when a loved one looses their memories. My Mom had not... She was 64 when she died from a heart attack. But I have had other loved ones who have had memory problems in the late years.

1

I even find 'passed away' aggravating. Then there's the 'rest-in-peace' line. What the hell does that mean? How about the one that says 'the lord has taken him/her' for a grabber. I understand why they use such phrases, but damn them.

0

My father died when I was single parenting my then 10 year old son. I'm very overt about my beliefs, so anyone knowing me well wouldn't try to comfort me with religious platitudes. Feelings around death are painful, awkward and uncomfortable, so sometimes people just revert to roles that they have seen modeled in life or in movies, behaving as expected. When we are feeling real deep grief, and someone approaches caring, but acting in a rote manner, it feels fake and off putting. For me its like that with the religious aspect or not. I don't blame them, but I don't feel like they are organically there for me.

My father's death came after a lifetime of mental illness, that eventually led to him just losing interest in being alive, and eventually eating, drinking, and finally breathing. In many ways his death was a relief for him and for those that loved him, he was just so unhappy. There was way more to him that his mental illness, but less so in his latter years. Still I was left with many warm memories and some ways that he was a great influence on my life. Being bi-polar, he was to put it mildly, a free thinker!

As a non-religious person surrounded by mostly religious ones, I try to meet them in the place where our worldviews coincide, like the overlapping circles on a Venn diagram. Sometimes that means translating my thoughts into words that they can understand and absorb on a heart level. I don't really expect that sort of consideration in return, but when I get it, well, that's cool.

Suicide has touched my life twice, my nephew and a coworker. It is a shock when someone dies unexpectedly and you haven't had time to emotionally gird for it. My heart goes out to you on that level for your mom.

Ken

0

Logically though:

If the departed/deceased made this world a "better" place then their absence makes this place "worse." As there's now a gradient between "better" and "worse" locations. So, if they're not in the "worse" place presently (being dead and all) then arguably they're in a "better" place because they're not experiencing the "worse" place made by their absence.

Yes, it's a weak argument but at the end of the day, week, month, year, <allotment of the grieving process>, I don't think anyone who's saying those things does so with malice; rather that's how they were taught/raised to express comfort during these unfortunate times.

Now, if a person were to tell me that my loved one was burning in the pits of hell (or something) then those might be fighting words and I don't think a jury in the world would convict under those circumstances.

0

if they are believers why do they take any precautions in life at all?if I thought there was a better place I would be in a hurry to get there but that doesn't seem the case. I'm prepared to take whats after death as it comes compared to wasting my time believing in something with no evidence. I hope when I'm dead its the same as before I was born ie nothing which I'm sure it is. I would be happy to be recycled myself rather than costing thousands for a ceremony of any sort. it would be cheeper to feed me to flies.

0

I hope so, but not sure. I hate it when people act like they know for sure.

0

All of the Christians I know want to be on this planet as long as they can. They also want to enjoy all of the resources that are on it no matter where it comes from and what getting them do to others.

0

Like when you hear that awful line "our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families."
Are they telepathic?

Yeah! Like, "so what?". We don't need 'thoughts and prayers', we need the senseless killing to end!

0

When s/he dies the living assume that there was pain involved, that s/he had a long illness, and/or s/he must have been uncomfortable (at least in the last minutes, days, or months). And I believe it must be comforting for people who view death in that way to assume s/he is no longer in pain. And, often to their detriment they assume you feel the same way. In my opinion, condolences should be thought and shown, not spoken.

0

paradoxical

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