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Hello introverts! I wonder if this happens to many of us: unsolicited advice. Can this be 'mans-plaining' or the result of over sharing? Lately, I feel like people are belittling because I am quiet and tend to stick to myself. Then when I do share things, whether good or bad, I get all kinds of advice.

RapidCityKelly 6 June 24
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0

I've become a bit less forgiving of this than I once was, I find.

But I have learned not to ever share personal information except with people I trust implicitly or who need to know something. Often people are trying to help and it's well intentioned enough, but if you share it starts being judged and you get classified into a box.

That I don't like much. The way I was yesterday might be totally different tomorrow!

1

I have gotten the advice approach as well. Since I am typically more quiet, people around me tend to fill the airwaves, sometimes to my relief and other times to my disdain. They will go on and on and since I am polite and often at least somewhat interested, I will continue to listen and ask more questions than provide content from my life. This has led some people to assume that I don’t have a life or anything interesting to say. More often than not, I do have something interesting to say, but perhaps not interesting to them. I could talk for hours on end about philosophical conundrums or the wondrous things in this world, but conversation doesn’t always naturally lead up to those topics and I find myself just being happy with allowing others to tell their stories. Some people get it, others don’t.

@RapidCityKelly Yes, I also feel this way in which you feel grateful when a self-absorbed person really does ask about me, but so often I have gotten a type of “not really listening” response back from them. Sometimes there will be a look of mock interest on their face or in their voice, or they will interrupt me before I can finish my thought and find a way to change the subject, or what I say will not encourage any further conversation on their end (they just go silent). In each of these instances, I just feel ignored and disheartened that people can find so little interest from the small portion of conversation I actually was able to contribute. It really doesn’t go to encourage me to seek out more interactions like this in the future.

1

I think with me, sometimes people think I need encouragement. I think because I'm short and look younger than I really am, I come across as insecure, so people respond to me as if I need help.

I also think people conflate introversion with shyness, and don't understand that not all introverts are shy. Sometimes when people try to talk to me or include me it comes across to me as condescending. I think some extroverted types just can't understand that some people like to be left alone and don't mind not feeling included.

I do get mansplained to a lot, and I call it out pretty assertively, which always surprises people. I'm an introvert, not a doormat. 😉

K_M_C Level 4 June 26, 2018
0

People are constantly giving me advice. It has happened a\ll my life and I am now pushing 75. I think it is because I am short and quiet so people think I am somehow like a child. They never stop to wonder how I have managed to get through life, hold down jobs and raise a family without their advice. I just smile nicely and carry on.

CeliaVL Level 7 June 25, 2018

Yes, save us from unsolicited advice. People always have a tendency to want to "fix" you.

0

I, too, have experienced that. I've yet to figure out a polite way to extricate myself from the conversation.

1

They're like vultures circling for the kill, if you don't say much they are ready to ponce on you about why you are wrong.

0

Happens to me all the time. If they were right I'd agree, but it's them they know not me

Rudy1962 Level 9 June 24, 2018
0

This is one of my biggest issues. I hate it but I also tend to do it. I think there are numerous reasons that we tend to talk more than listen. First of all we live in a competitive culture so I think we are taught to have the best idea/most knowledge/greatest skills....we have to be superior to all others (#1) to get recognition so there is that...but I also think that people want to help and have a very narrow world view. It seems people believe if something worked for them it will work for everyone which is just ludicrous but real none-the-less.
It is a difficult thing to listen in today's world but it is the single most important factor required for me to feel that I am being heard and respected. Even my doctors try to advise me without hearing a word I have said or asking any questions regarding what I think would help. It is sooooo frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I am standing on the edge, ready to jump, and being told what to think, feel and do differently to get myself back to safety. I actually stated my needs very clearly once (financial) and stated my struggles have become critical. I was told I should meditate and the answers would come to me which is not much different than saying they will pray for me. I was irrational at the time and was not as polite in my response as I normally would be and another member attacked me for not being "Deeply grateful that they bothered to talk to me." which pushed me even further away from even speaking up and closer to that damn edge. I blocked her and told her exactly what I thought of her unsolicited advise.
Yikes, I guess my response makes it evident this is a very sore issue for me. Unsolicited advise causes more harm than help.

@RapidCityKelly I have been more selective in forming friendships because of this very issue. If my opinion is not being heard then what type of "relationship" do we really have?
I like the way you put it "the person giving the advice really has little standing". So, ditto on the appreciation!

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