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So, a little help here?
I have always been the kind of person who waits by the phone, while the other person is off living their life. I am emotionally supportive, but don't know how to be supported. What are some simple things I can do to stop being like that?
Anyone else like this?

CraeftSmith 7 June 21
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11 comments

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1

I do this too, I have high expectations I guess. I wonder if it's a sign of being desperate. It drives me crazy and I hate it.

Kojaksmom Level 8 July 5, 2018

I take it as a sign of desperation in myself as well. I've never had the time or ability to make a lot of friends. That is what I am focused on fixing right now.

@CraeftSmith mee too. If someone doesn't show interest and isn't considerate it's time to move on.

@Kojaksmom for certain types of relationships, maybe, but I feel like that attitude has left me without any regular friends.

1

This is interesting to me. I reconnected with a boyfriend from 40 years ago, a couple years after my husband died. He lives 50 miles away, in a city i have always wanted to live in. We have made tentative plans to live there together in a year or so. He calls all the time; no problem there. But he insists that his life is so busy and every function he attends so important to him that there is NO way he can visit me, I have to go to him. It's been a year and I know he has issues, but I'm getting a little tired of it. We are so alike. We can talk about anything and generally agree, so I really don't want to give up the verbal intimacy and, being in my late 60s, I don't see a lot of possibilities for dating.

mjbirder Level 4 June 23, 2018

That still seems like a big red flag. Maybe it's not such a bad idea to hold off on moving.
Actually, it might not be a bad idea to find out who else is out there. You don't have to drop him to chat with other people

@CraeftSmith I've been staying at home too much and not going to events and activities in my own town. I'm not crazy about going out alone. I was beginning to get out a bit, then when I reconnected with him, it seems I spend the whole day on the phone with him. I've become dependent on the calls and am even less likely to get out by myself. When I try to talk about less phone time, like maybe only one day a week, he gets very upset and scared-sounding. Thanks for listening when you have your own problems.I hope things get more equitable for you.

@mjbirder Do you have local family or friends? It's important for you to get out and be social.

@CraeftSmith Friends, yes, a few girlfriends, fellow artists in my art clubs and my watercolor students. Family,no. Just my husband's granddaughter who has her own busy life, but was VERY supportive the first year after husband died.Only child, childless, other family moved away. It seems that my husband and I had rather isolated ourselves in the last few years. I was the kind of person who only related to one person, the significant other, at a time; so was he. And here I am, trying to do the same thing now with my phone friend! Hard to learn; hard to change!

@mjbirder that is good. Facebook might have a lot of events you would like. Getting out of the house can be hard. Our libraries have lots of social events. Maybe yours do too. If you get bored, you can always message me ☺️

2

This is me too. I hang out waiting for my partner to ring, text, messenger etc. I try to keep busy but in reality all i do is long for her. She is far from living her life tho and has a job to do and a home to keep as a single mom. So I just give her space and offer to help wherever necessary. I know I need to just get on and live my life...but without her? never!

Nardi Level 7 June 22, 2018

Dude why do we make ourselves slaves to our women's whims?

@CraeftSmith I think it's how I make myself useful to her that makes her love me. She say's it's not and she would love me regardless. I don't believe her and just carry on giving her reasons to keep on loving me. I want to be loved and she owns my heart.

1

There HAS to be a balance. One person cannot drain the other person. Some people are givers and some are takers but the best relationships are between two people who both give and take equally. If you need emotional support, honestly sometimes the best place to find that is in therapy.

Hihi Level 6 June 22, 2018
1

I think being a single parent, you formed some habits out of necessity. I place a high value on self reliance and that's not a bad thing. Maybe put your self in the other's shoes, many people really like to help and find it rewarding. Change your outlook just a little, you aren't a burden, cooperation helps both people.

Buttercup Level 8 June 22, 2018
2

Find somebody like you.

Sorry, that's the best advice I have right now...

Paul4747 Level 8 June 22, 2018
2

I can be like that. I spent a big part of my life putting others' needs and desires first to the detriment of my own, acquiescing to their wishes. Never felt I was worthy or deserving of having my own life. In some strange way it felt like "security" feeling needed like that. But it was really an illusion. To live my life means that other people aren't always going to be supportive, so I have to do that for myself first, ask it of other people, focus on the people who will give it, and walk away from the ones who won't or can't, instead of waiting for them to give it to me. Not easy.

bleurowz Level 8 June 21, 2018

Yeah, I get it I think. Like if they need you enough, they won't leave, and you won't be alone. That's what happens to me anyway

3

No one can fulfill you. Only you can fulfill you. Please do not define yourself by someone else. Get out there & find what does fill your soul. It will never be someone else. While you squander your life waiting for another's response, your life will pass you by. I fond rescuing animals & restoring habitat fills my soul. Perhaps a counselor will help guide you. She helped me more than once when I became mired. There is a hole in your soul that you must heal & not try to fill with what can not fill you.

Mooolah Level 8 June 21, 2018
6

You have to internalize that if you don't take care of you, you can't take care of them. Fill your tank and you can fill others easier.

This has always been hard. I was a single parent for like fifteen years (sole custody). I was so wrapped up in my responsibilities that I never really learned how to be a social adult lol
So I am kind of living my twenties now, I guess lol

5

Make sure to have a life of your own. While they're off living their life, you could be off living yours!

I have a hard time doing that. I am working on it, though.

@CraeftSmith Shoot guy, looks like you have a good time burning shit down & hammering on an anvil. Looks like fun to me.

6

I find myself doing this occasionally, it is usually with someone I have on a pedestal. I'll be over enthusiastic, supportive, just extra in general. If I do get what I want, which is for them to love me, I soon have buyers remorse. I've went through this enough to know that something in me is broken.

If I have any advice it is what not to do, or just love yourself enough to not 'wait by the phone'.

Electro68 Level 7 June 21, 2018

Thanks. I'm trying.

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