Eventually I rolled over, called the ASPCA, played dead upon their arrival, and escaped over the back fence.

I made some money turning tricks for strangers before heading to the home of lost dogs, Broadway.

I played all the non-speaking dog parts in Shakespeare, even being afforded a standing ovation for my ineffable three-legged riposte to "Out Damn Spot".

By now I was hooked on the bright lights of substance abuse and joined the elite Dog Sniffer Unit of the NYPD.

It was all hard graft from there on.

I got caught returning to my own vomit by the integrity unit.

I knew then that it was time to see a police dog psychiatrist.

Thieving these! 🥰

It began as a very young pup when I was admonished for being on the lounge with everyone else.

It then escalated into a full blown attention seeking syndrome.

Before I knew it I was sinking my teeth into soft flesh and leg-humping visitors with the sort of gusto I'd observed in the bedroom.

Worse was to come when they discovered I could talk.