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Guys has this ever happened to you?
Deiter comments on Aug 6, 2018:
I was on my first date with the *love of my life* AKA *the one that gotta away* and she invited me to stay the night. I did but I also told her I wanted to wait until next time, at least. I guess I didn't want her to think that was the only reason why I was there. I was already banking on a serious relationship. (I think I was already smitten.) Otherwise, I've no qualms with it. Whatever works. I've known married couples who did it right out of the gate. But if you are really, really into someone – or think you could be – you want things to happen with a purpose and consciousness.
I had another date last night. This was from another site, but it doesn't matter, they are all the ...
Deiter comments on Aug 5, 2018:
This all sounds foreign to me. I'm mystified. I'd say to start, you need to up your screening game. If it keeps happening over and over again, your choices are following a pattern that definitely isn't working for you. All of these first dates you describe are moving way too presumptuously and way too quick. (How about *just coffee* first? And maybe a hike next. Save the dinner and drinks for further down the road.) What you're calling clingy I'd call controlling. This is some overbearing @#$% here. Why does he keep pulling out his tongue at every stoplight? This sounds like the unsocialized actions of a teenager without impulse control. Your dates don't seem to be respecting your boundaries. If you're making them clear (are you?) and they still won't respect them, you may be putting yourself in danger. And why is there such a yawning chasm between what you think is appropiate and what ends up happening? Why would a guy go for broke so quickly into your acquaintence? He knows little about you too. How does he know you're not a *Fatal Attraction* about to happen? I can only guess that's because his objectives are far more short term, if you know what I'm saying. He probably figures he'll be gone before that happens. And for @#$%'s sake, friend – you need to be more careful. You could be walking into some serious grief here.
Stop Holding On To People That Let Go Of You
Deiter comments on Aug 5, 2018:
Wouldn't it be so pretty to think so? People here often post memes suggesting we only accept those in their noblest forms, a standard guaranteed to make your world very small. Maybe we also need to adjust our expectations and learn to accept people at what they're capable of. Some people are capable of some great things, not others. Learn to compartmentalize. I know people whose company I enjoy, I also know they're not the ones for a heart to heart. So, with them I don't. Still friend-worthy, I just know that I'll need to go elsewhere with my burdens. Allowing people their limitations can be liberating for both parties. We just need to take care where we invest and give them as only as much space as they can afford. We need to stop holding onto the notion that all people can be everything. They can't and it's not fair to expect them to.
So, I am turning over a new leaf. I'm no longer concerned with the naysayers and cynics who feel so ...
Deiter comments on Aug 5, 2018:
All of the negative can be true. It can also be said about family, jobs, travel, and just about any other human activity, relationship, or endeavor. The positives can also be amazing. The thing about relationships is that when they end we only see failure. We want to deny the memories. *Why can't I find movie love?* We compare ourselves to every idealized notion of what we think a relationship could be – this is always a path to utter ego destruction. Most people here are in relationship recovery. *Naysaying* and *cynicism* are just part of its language. (I may do it myself at times.) You're right to tune it out. You'll also need to tune out some of your own internal dialogue as well. Love is also a numbers game.
Sunday at 11:30 am ?
Deiter comments on Aug 5, 2018:
“Coffee is a girl who never tells a boy no.” Andrew Smith, *Grasshopper Jungle* I have found the love of my life and she is the dark bean juice. Like my other loves she only stays a short while and makes me feel worse when she leaves.
Who has had a positive relationship with a father/mother-in-law?
Deiter comments on Aug 4, 2018:
As George Burns said, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” Or even better, state. Especially true with in-laws. I'd a good relationship with my mother-in-law. And as the only surviving grandparent, I still do. But, boundaries are important. Favorable geography makes it easier.
To the ladies. How do i tell if a woman is actually interested in me vs. just being nice?
Deiter comments on Aug 4, 2018:
Dude – not everything has an answer, especially where women are concerned. Though, I think what you're asking is not about those "actually interested," bc those are usually more apparent – they're listening, looking, and probably lobbing a few smiles your way – but about those unconvinced as of yet but maybe still convincible. For that you'll just have to live in the mystery. Otherwise, I've ever met a woman who didn't have the *disinterested look* mastered. And, yes, I'm not a lady but I've got plenty of (probably wrong) ideas.
Waiting and hoping for someone to message you is like _____.
Deiter comments on Aug 4, 2018:
I've been looking for work. *Every* interviewer (and I've had many) says "We'll let you know" and they nearly never do. Ghosting is your answer. To that the only response is to go dead inside. Job hunting is like dating on angel dust.
Complements Don't Have To Be About Appearance
Deiter comments on Aug 4, 2018:
True. But, those that get those compliments often have the luxury of placing no value on them. If you're the kind of person who gets noticed just by walking into a room, that's hella addictive. Rare is the person who doesn't use that stuff when available to them. The idea of something for nothing is more addictive than crack. I miss the days when I was approached based on appearances. (As someone who always seemed to have handsomer male friends, I saw firsthand how easy it could be for some.) Now I have to work harder. @#$% that.
If He Ain't Treating You Right....
Deiter comments on Aug 4, 2018:
Someone said about abuse: *The first time a victim; the second time a volunteer.* So many beautiful and smart women have fallen into this trap. Why do *bad boys* get you moist? You may need to take a long look at that. We love to believe that an a--hole is only that way to *everyone* else, not us. Truth is, guard dogs don't make good pets.
When assessing a potential partner, in what order do you prioritize physical compatibility, ...
Deiter comments on Aug 4, 2018:
You have to respect the intellectual. Without that, you'll never be able to talk them into bed. (Plus, no matter how torrid the candlelight experience, daylight will always follow.) The emotional takes more time and often when there's enough of the first two, we tend to ignore it. The physical is why we take the time in the first place and it's vital for bonding. It can't be overlooked. *Ask not where the path leads as long as it's beautiful.* The wise believe they'll foresee the trouble to come. But even the wise are blinded when their guards and zippers are down. Love, and its path, is a boxing ring. Expect to take hits.
Ugh emergancy vets are so expensive. Yesterday my Rottweiler split her mouth open. Not sure how! But...
Deiter comments on Aug 4, 2018:
Well, from the vet's perspective $212 is never going to pay off medical school. Your dentist won't let you sit in their chair for that. Sorry about your woes. I'm in the midst of a deep pile of my own presently. Sadly, we live in the world's only First World country that simply doesn't care. If it doesn't serve Capitalism, it has no purpose. Where most of our neighbors believe in angels, clairvoyance, ghosts, and the afterlife, they also don't believe in compassion or social welfare. These are the same people that'll tell you that if immigrants didn't want their toddlers torn from their arms, they shouldn't've come here illegally. God bless America.
The last two men I was in love with didn't want to love me back. One just wanted to be my friend; ...
Deiter comments on Aug 4, 2018:
*Love* doesn't work for everyone – neither does marriage, parenthood, wealth, nor happiness. We live in a culture that shames those that find themselves outside of those states. Our life's big work is to figure out if those things are indeed for us and, if they are, to discover the path that gets us there – or, accept that they may not happen as we'd like to imagine. No one – NO ONE – no matter what their state, gets to be happier than you. As Maya Angelou said, change what you don't like, and if not possible, change how you feel about it. I say this as someone who struggles with all of the above.
Ayn Rand has come up in conversations with conservatives lately. She was my gateway drug into ...
Deiter comments on Aug 3, 2018:
Haven't read her twin towers – Fountainhead & Atlas – though they sat on my shelves for ages (gifts). Her passion for extreme self-interest, malicious Libertarianism, and a complete disconnectedness from the welfare of her fellow humans bordered on the pathological. Spiritually she was in that sunken place. Though she'd escaped a totalitarian state she completely adopted it into her life and practice. She seemed to have no equitable relationships in her personal life, was laughably elitist as well as a complete control freak. From her YouTube talkshow appearances I'd also guess she was terrible company. She was also the least edited author to have ever existed.
Would you call this a perfect date?
Deiter comments on Aug 3, 2018:
I've done that many times here in Los Angeles AKA carpooling to work.
LOL, oh baby! Sugar is fine but oh the spice of life...
Deiter comments on Aug 3, 2018:
Tear the diaper off passion (for young and old): Who wouldn't love that?
Wait, where is the remote control? ;)
Deiter comments on Aug 3, 2018:
It's a joke and y'all are worried about the Photoshop? Some of ya need to chill. I promise no one here will hold women on this site to these beauty standards. (I'm worried more about her holding on to that Corona box with two fingers. Those boxes get heavy quick.) I appreciate her vein-popping 12-pack ready guns, tho.
Do you sing to your dates or significant others?
Deiter comments on Aug 2, 2018:
I sang *My Funny Valentine* for (what I thought was) the love of my life. (At her request – no commentary on her.) I did a kind of Chet Baker whisper (her description) out of self-consciousness. But alone in my car, I'll belt like a wingnut at a Trump rally. For my kids I gave up on the self-consciousness thing. They have memories of me singing to the iPod growing up. I think the memories are mostly good.
What thing do you really wish you could buy right now?
Deiter comments on Aug 2, 2018:
More time.
I just want to go, how about you?
Deiter comments on Aug 2, 2018:
No one EVER commits suicide while on vacation.
My Ex and His New Girlfriend/Boyfriend....
Deiter comments on Aug 2, 2018:
Not to go all Oprah on you but pain and misfortune don't have to be without purpose – they can be converted into something useful. Maybe at that time, to be a damn fool was all you could be – and how would you know that now without the experience? Foolishness can be a good teacher; wisdom doesn't come from success. And as it turns out, all that hard won wisdom will make you happier in the end. So they say. *There has to be pain. That’s the rule.* Haruki Murakami
What is the ONE thing that makes you the happiest? What is the ONE thing you wish you had in your ...
Deiter comments on Aug 2, 2018:
• When iPods were new and you could download everything you wanted if you could only think of it. Those playlists made me happy AF. • That first coffee or first cocktail – the first is always the best. Everything after only diminishes. • Making someone laugh. Especially a stranger or my daughters who can get jaded with my dad-ish material. • I love hearing something I said or wrote stayed with someone when they bring it up months or years later. I've a nephew who sometimes says "Remember when you did..." No, I don't. It wasn't important to me because I was older and he was just a tot. For him they're indelible memories. I love that I'm part of someone's interior landscape like that. • Burritos: The thought that I might've come up in some part of the world (not SoCA) where I wasn't constantly surrounded by them strikes me with terror. • I love when people enjoy some creative thing I've done. A project I sweated and labored over. I admit: I'm a praise whore. • Those things that won't let you experience them without smiling, like swinging in a swing or hearing Herb Alpert's *A Taste of Honey*. May I never be in a place where something like that would fail to lift me. • I love thinking about the @#$% that makes me happy. I should do this more often.
If there was a legitimate enough reason, would you still go out on a date with someone even if you ...
Deiter comments on Aug 1, 2018:
When would this ever happen?
If someone is extremely jealous, do you think it's because they don't want you to do what they're ...
Deiter comments on Aug 1, 2018:
Jealousy may be a lot of things but a big part may be about control. The jealous party expects a person to act or conduct themselves in a certain way and is unhinged when they don't. They want to be the front and center for the other. Boundaries are fine – if someone demands one of you, you can accept it or not. A jealous person's boundaries may shift unexpectedly. Sometimes people interpret another's jealousy as love or caring. This explains why many will accept abuse. Denying your own jealousy can be misinterpreted as indifference or carelessness. And that message may've unintended consequences. Nothing is ever simple. We've got to talk through @#$%, people!
A strong person.
Deiter comments on Aug 1, 2018:
I heard it said that forgiveness isn't for the person being forgiven. It's for the forgiver. It allows them to let go of the anger and resentment and move on to a healthier course.
I know a lot of people won't respond to a simple message of "hi" or "good morning" on a dating site,...
Deiter comments on Aug 1, 2018:
Sure, if you can find the appropriate tribe. Such is the challenge. (Sites like this are supposed to provide the short cut.)
It’s just true.
Deiter comments on Aug 1, 2018:
It's a little more complicated than that. We probably need to give a lot more love than we to get back. Stop checking for receipts. Adjust expectations. Then maybe we're worthy.
Love Doesn't Create Excuses
Deiter comments on Aug 1, 2018:
What? Nah: Utter nonsense. People often don't end up with their *true loves* for a whole host of mundane reasons. Has no one ever loved you that you didn't love back? Have you ever wanted someone who just couldn't *see* you? Desire is not destiny – not even close. I'm not suggesting giving up trying – only in hope is life worth living. But such is the world: Less Charlotte Brontë and more Flannery O'Connor.
Can men and women just be friends? Age-old and cliche rhetoric... I am looking for people to hang ...
Deiter comments on Jul 31, 2018:
I've always had a lot of female friends. (That is, women who're friends without any romantic connection – past, present, or future. Though, I've had the other variety too.) I tend to prefer women's company, generally speaking. They're far better listeners. Guys don't do emotions. I pity the men who can't have female friends.
In romantic terms, when was the last time that a kiss, Just a Kiss, made you cry.
Deiter comments on Jul 31, 2018:
There are moments when a particular depth of feeling only happens once. It's like once you lose the virginity of a particular experience, it never comes back quite like that again. Once, someone I loved to utter distraction left me and broke my heart. I've had my heart broken a number of times for various losses, but that was the only time I ever bawled like a baby for a breakup. Those tears come only once. Another time, I was in a movie theater with a girl I just started dating. She took my hand and the surprise and thrill of that sent chills completely through me: Total pink cloud @#$%. Before the month was over we were done. A few years later, I was lying next to the person I was convinced was *the* love of my life. Clothes all over the floor, drifting off to sleep, my brain swimming in a cocktail of love chemicals. I took her hand because I feared that in falling asleep that incredible feeling would be lost and never return like that again. I was in a full opium-scaled rush that I never wanted to end. I also suspected that it was a completely ephemeral and illusory. Not the requested *tears for a kiss* but a *dopaminergic* surge like I'd never had before or again. And as with the tears above, life only has room for one of those too.
I’m single but, I do have a girlfriend. Oh wait… no, that’s a fridge. I have a fridge. ...
Deiter comments on Jul 31, 2018:
Loving when it's full. Cruel when it's empty.
Mediation is over and I’ve changed my status to ‘divorced.’ I should be relieved, but it’s ...
Deiter comments on Jul 30, 2018:
Divorce is about the most ringing un-endorsement you'll ever get. Getting beyond that takes time and readjustment. Take as much time as you need. Ever hear the story about the girl, who after a bitter breakup, sent photos of herself giving head to her new boyfriend? The ex- forwarded them to her parents.
This may seen like a broad question, but one I think we all would enjoy hearing what others think:...
Deiter comments on Jul 30, 2018:
Glad you asked! 1. First and foremost – someone who's into me. 2. A little artifice, a little performance; going to the trouble goes a long way. 3. Someone who finds me funny – the greatest aphrodisiac. 4. That elusive cocktail of confidence and humility.
The Best Sex Doesn't come From Hot-Blooded Passion
Deiter comments on Jul 30, 2018:
The come-on line for our age: "Oh baby. The way you look tonight – it's highly *dopaminergic*..." Robert Sapolsky has also written much about our brain's essential lack of free will. Though, he admits to believe such a thing is no path to happiness...
So, after chatting with someone I met here, we finally got the opportunity to meet in person. We had...
Deiter comments on Jul 30, 2018:
Best wishes. I hope you're both able to bring something to each other's lives or at the very least a few good memories. I must say I'm always a bit baffled and amused how many will post about their dates with such teenage enthusiasm and fancy, considering our experience levels in the 40's and 50's. Maybe some of it is lost on me, having been far away from it for too long. Just meeting someone with whom you can gain a quick rapport can be a worthy pleasure in itself. It could be by chance ordering a coffee or encountering an unknown person at a mutual friend's – whatever it is. Dating is many steps beyond that. We're all just looking for connection. Sometimes a small one is good too.
Yeeeessssss.
Deiter comments on Jul 30, 2018:
Meh. Those are *friendzone* qualities: That's what everyone says they want, but that's not what gets them in the lingerie. Sexy is impractical, impulsive, dangerous, and unsustainable – the above are qualities you want in a nurse or a dog. Most prefer a good story over an honest one. Too cynical? If everyone found *that* sexy, the world would be a much happier place. Safer too.
Well this sucks
Deiter comments on Jul 29, 2018:
Jeff Bezos' net worth is $143B: At $15/hr, given an normal 5 day work week, it'd take 4,583,333 years to earn his value. That's *cure cancer* or *send everyone to college free* money. Instead, he's spending that fortune building rockets to an uninhabitable red rock. A--hole.
He/She Was So Much Worse
Deiter comments on Jul 29, 2018:
Everyone – *everyone* – will have a bad experience now and again. So, what does that mean? Sometimes they're the ass. Sometimes the ass is us.
Question for the ladies but it may pertain to the guys as well. I went on a date last night and it ...
Deiter comments on Jul 29, 2018:
Whoa, pump the brakes there sister. It was just dinner and drinks. Way too soon to be taking surveys for the long road. Don't clear a bedroom drawer for his boxers just yet. How about one step at at time? Start by taking your own advice and just enjoy the company for now. (How about meeting at *your* fave restaurant next?) You've got a plateful of a 20 y.o.'s girly hopes and projections going on there and, needless to say, you're a long way from 20. You're already mixing up a recipe for heartache. Before you get to the dessert, let the pudding set first. The heart is a dumb organ. Lead with your brain first.
Scenario. You welcome to a nice restaurant by yourself to have some dinner. You have no companion ...
Deiter comments on Jul 29, 2018:
Even 30 years ago I was never comfortable sitting in a restaurant alone. Why not stay at home w/ takeout, wine, and a movie? (It's a better deal all around.)
Ok. A man reached out to me on POF. we chatted a bit on the POF site then we exchange phone numbers ...
Deiter comments on Jul 29, 2018:
And you're saying women would *not* do this? My experience suggests otherwise. You have no idea what the truth is as he sees it. Maybe he's a cad. Or, maybe everything he said is true, whether figuratively or literally. The territory of romance (whatever that means) is extremely gray. You'll have to live in the mystery until that day you don't. It can always end: After a dinner date, after a weekend getaway, or after 20+ years. Let me frame this in the terms of my current job search, now going into its 16th month of underemployment: I've been shortlisted many, many times. I've had prospective employers tell me how many applied (100's) and how many were interviewed (4) and how great I was to be among the chosen so *props* to me. They've told me how great my portfolio was. But when I don't get the job, 4 out of 100's still feels like zero. So, for you, you made it to the next step – take pride in that. Whether it goes further remains to be seen. Think of all the candidates that didn't get a callback. OTOH, it still feels like you didn't get the job and, yes, that s--t hurts: Sorry. You can opt out but that doesn't necessarily mean *no pain.* It will certainly guarantee there are *no rewards* however.
Who gets your vote for the best TV father?
Deiter comments on Jul 28, 2018:
Cal Lightman (Tim Roth) from "Lie to Me." A jerk, but with the utmost intergrity, to everyone but his daughter. IMHO, one of the best shows that ever was. (I've never watched episodes of anything multiple times except for this. But then, being able to decode lying may be the best superpower imaginable.)
This is our view in our hotel room.
Deiter comments on Jul 28, 2018:
You're staying on a postcard?
"We are Sun and Moon, dear friend; We are Sea and Land. It is not our purpose to become each ...
Deiter comments on Jul 28, 2018:
I read a lot of Hesse in my early 20's. Not that this would've meant much to me then. The young want to become one together. All those chemicals flooding the brain with pleasure and insanity. To learn this there's no way to do it but slow and hard, I reckon.
Dollar bills are singles, unattached people are independent. Your thoughts?
Deiter comments on Jul 28, 2018:
*I am what I am.* If it was good enough for God and Popeye, it's good enough for me.
WITTED, HALF-WITTED, & DIM-WITTED The witted who also have integrity humanely solve problems ...
Deiter comments on Jul 27, 2018:
To be fair: Witted doesn't mean good. Halves and Dims can both be. The Witted w/o integrity are dangerous and in power everywhere.
Anyone have any real luck with finding someone on this site? I use to use plenty of fish and let me ...
Deiter comments on Jul 27, 2018:
Generally, it seems that there are so few in the pool for any given area that the site has a long way to go before it'll be much use as a dating site. (I live in Los Angeles and there seems to be only a handful in my pool. I can't imagine what it's like for you country folk.)
Dating sites!
Deiter comments on Jul 27, 2018:
Who knows? Most have no idea what *religion* or *spirituality* means. I used to write a lot of stuff relevant to those in recovery. I once wrote about religion vs spirituality. Here's what I discovered: *• Religion tends to divide, who’s in and who’s out – the lambs vs. the goats, the devoted vs. the infidel, believers vs. non-believers – whereas spirituality is concerned with oneness and universality and rejects dualisms. • Religion speaks of a singular true religion or way and can demand conversion from other belief systems whereas spirituality considers many perspectives and sees all religions as many paths to a shared, singular goal. • Religion requires an acceptance of the supernatural whereas spiritual practices tend to be focused on the personal and internal rather than a deity and dogma. • Religion demands worship and adoration whereas spirituality focuses on meditation and mindfulness. • Religion speaks of the afterlife and eternal salvation whereas spirituality is concerned with the here and now.* *As it is often practiced, spirituality is, more or less: An endeavoring for personal growth; an experiencing of our deepest values; a desire to transcend limitedness of our body and mind; a searching for a sacred dimension; a way of adding meaning to our lives; and an exploring of a meaningful self-knowledge. In modern practice, this may also come salted with a blend of humanistic psychology, mystical and esoteric traditions, and elements of eastern religions (particularly Buddhism and Taoism).* (I was writing for a general audience so I tried to stay positive and may've been low keying the skepticism a bit.) So overall for me, *spirituality* is cool; *religion* is a problem. But, as I said, most have no idea what the #$%@ they're talking about. There you go. More than you ever wanted to know!
Lets talk about kissing... (K) (K) (K)
Deiter comments on Jul 25, 2018:
I'm a big fan. Once, I spent the night w/ a person who was I thought was very attractive, great figure, seem to be built for love as it were. We'd been friends for a while. Palled around a bit before this "date." This night, when I arrived to pick her up she was, let's say, dressed very differently. Anyway, I've never been w/ anyone, before or after, whose kissing was so deal-breakingly awful. (She'd barely open her mouth.) I could only imagine that she didn't care much for such intimacy. I'd guess there was a long sad backstory there and had she been a better kisser I might've listened. But not for kisses like that.
Why is it so hard to meet someone who is not fake or a flake. Getting frustrated and ready to be ...
Deiter comments on Jul 25, 2018:
As you say you're open to meeting all comers, I guess it's safe to say this isn't strictly a *man* thing (as we so often see here). As I haven't begun this process myself yet, I'm mystified how nearly *everyone* complains how terrible *it*, and *everyone*, is. It's as if everyone wears a plaid blazer and is negotiating on a used car. When *everyone* says this, it does makes one wonder: Is it the people, the expectations, or what? I remember the feeling. I too wanted to retreat into sanctuary (AKA as marriage) and exit the dating race. Dating could be exhilarating and it was often soul-sucking. People – in my case, women – had such big ideas about what they wanted and what they thought they could get. Everyone seemed drunk on their own illusions. (One date, as we walked on the pier after I bought her a very nice dinner at a oceanside restaurant, sighed and lamented *if only I could meet the right guy.* She later called me – bc, why the @#$% would I call her? – to ask why I wasn't calling. That would be my last straw. I then met my future wife.) **But, really, is *no one* enjoying the experience?**
Anybody else think that this song is about infidelity? Sure sounds like it to me. I played this ...
Deiter comments on Jul 25, 2018:
Icehouse, Australia's Roxy Music tribute band (sort of): If you take any of that "5 Stages of Grief" business seriously, then the *Anger* stage can go on for a long, long time. I've never had any songs I've given over to exes in my grieving. It seems a shame to poison a song you love with a bad experience given to you by some ass hat (that's the Anger Stage talking). Though, I have glommed on to some songs for my beginning squishy besotted stages throughout my life. But that's OK. It allows me to still listen to those songs today bile-free.
Today while shopping at the Value Village, a man made eye contact then smiled at me. Then when I ...
Deiter comments on Jul 24, 2018:
How about this: Have a business card made with your phone#, email, social media links, whatevs you think is appropriate for handing to strange men but info that can also appear business-like. You can get them made quick and cheap at Staples or online (not knowing how country you are). That way you can just hand it off and go. If he's interested and it's appropriate, he can contact you. You don't have to ask him anything and it puts aside any possibility of rejection. I'd some made quick for a conference I was attending. I did my own graphics but they've templates you can use. You can do it at their website, I believe. Cheers!
So when are we renaming this group to coffeememes.com? Just wondering :)
Deiter comments on Jul 24, 2018:
So, you thought you'd conk and run in typical *Richard the Third* Brit fashion but instead they tried to make you a recruit. Bet you didn't see that coming. (Had to consult a slang dictionary.)
Since the spark of passion fades anyway, does it matter if people never have that chemistry to begin...
Deiter comments on Jul 24, 2018:
IMHO, it's the initial *spark* that gives the relationship the necessary years of momentum that'll carry it into the inevitable *fade.* When you start down, the *fade* only comes faster and stronger. Also, the heart will resent the fact that it didn't get what it wanted. When the heart is disappointed, it's not subtle. You'll find yourself not working as hard. Your partner will notice. I tried to do as you're suggesting above. It didn't work for me. The question is *is it possible to intellectualize a relationship – because given time, they all go that way eventually – and skip the hot chemical initial period*? There's so much more to a relationship than sex and affection, but sex and affection are important. They help with bonding – especially for men. We're simple that way.
I got it to load to the App! The Big Lebowski 9 pm EST To load the app 9:15 pm to view the movie....
Deiter comments on Jul 23, 2018:
Sorry, but I just never *got* these. Cue the hate: • The Big Lebowski • Seinfeld • Star Wars • The Office
I usually wake up pretty gloomy, but today I woke up full of love for the world. There is absolutely...
Deiter comments on Jul 23, 2018:
Bottle it and send it my way. I'll drop it in my coffee. Or my beer, depending on time of day.
How do you people feel about prenups?
Deiter comments on Jul 23, 2018:
There are squishy romantic notions and cold business realities. Once one is introduced to the other things inevitably change. Seems a great way to piss all over that pink cloud. But then I don't have a vast vulgar empire to protect.
All About a Ring
Deiter comments on Jul 23, 2018:
That this wasn't a deal-breaker says a lot about him. They both seem to believe he's punching way above his weight. It's a mystery what she hoped to accomplish by humiliating him to her "Friends." Her passive-aggressiveness is epic. But if the Trumps can make it work, why can't they? ?
Time for cake
Deiter comments on Jul 23, 2018:
Dessert pornographer!
A few questions for Atheists out there.
Deiter comments on Jul 22, 2018:
I find it curious that *atheism* is so often asked to justify itself. It's simply a manner of thinking, a demand for evidence before belief. It eschews the idea that we inhabit a universe created with *magic* – magic being that ever shrinking sphere of things we don't understand. As science is simply a manner of inquiry – a way to find repeatable, justifiable results based on investigation, experimentation, reason, and logic – *atheism* is simply an extension of that kind of thinking. What made me an *atheist*? What makes anyone *not* one?
Ghosts: To those of you who DO believe in ghosts, I ask, how does that work in your opinion?
Deiter comments on Jul 22, 2018:
The scientific explanation is that without a substance or matter to carry a body's information, a ghost of a life can't exist. And if it's only energy, 2nd Law of Thermodynamics says that energy is in a constant state of loss so a *energy ghost* couldn't exist for long. So, there's no measurable physical evidence of ghosts or life after death. Apologists may argue that they both may occupy some plane or dimension we don't understand. Sure, then why not the Flying Spaghetti Monster. We're back to the religion argument again.
So i'm a member of another dating website, and with the religion question, you can choose whether ...
Deiter comments on Jul 22, 2018:
Up until I was about 30 I didn't think about religion much. It didn't matter. Though, when I met people who talked about their beliefs all the time, it def put me off. If it's not important to both, then maybe differing beliefs can work. For a while.
How I've been feeling lately
Deiter comments on Jul 22, 2018:
I think you're onto something.
Don't cha!
Deiter comments on Jul 22, 2018:
My daughter was very young when this was happening. Even then she could see that aspiring to be someone's *freak* wasn't the best option. She sang her own version: *Don't you wish your girlfriend was smart like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend had freckles like me?* Things the original composers never considered.
Who is your favorite Batman?
Deiter comments on Jul 22, 2018:
Not a big fan of Batman and I grew up with Adam West's campy version. (And I'm also getting MCU fatigue.) But unless we're talking about the Dark Night series w/ Christian Bale, then nah. (Only saw the first two, tho.) C'mon people! Heath Ledger as the Joker? What was better than that?
Good books for agnostics?
Deiter comments on Jul 21, 2018:
1) Agnosticism is *not* a belief. We question belief and only ask for evidence. Big diff. 2) Hitch's *God Is Not Great* is one of my all time faves. 3) If you're at all interested in a scholarly and historical approach to the stories in the Bible like I am, then you may also enjoy the work of Jonathon Kirsch. Of those I've read are the stories of Moses and King David, and *The Harlot by the Side of the Road: Forbidden Tales of the Bible*, all excellent.
Well, that’s one option.
Deiter comments on Jul 21, 2018:
Some humans have been known to do it *while* mating. ?
Because it makes you happy?
Deiter comments on Jul 21, 2018:
Learning to distinguish *happiness* from just *killing the pain* is the challenge.
I Love You More
Deiter comments on Jul 21, 2018:
That's nice. It's also very optimistic. I like the sentiment. I hope it's possible. It'd require a heap of faith. Romantic partnerships, even long term ones, are always vulnerable. We all have codes that can't be broken. The above assumes that you'll never perceive that code broken by the other. As Dorothy Parker said, *Scratch a lover, find a foe.* For the most part, these kinds of relationships are the territory only offered to family members or one's children. A spouse or a long term partner gets close, as close as any non-family member can get, but not quite. Also, over the long term friendship is key. My theory is relationships can survive w/o love (not happily but possible), but never w/o friendship. For the day to day, year after year, you *must* be able to enjoy each other's company. But then, I'm recently divorced. I'm in recovery. You're in the pink cloud of a relatively new situation. You're thriving. I'm not. So, of course I'd say that.
Who thinks this quote has true meaning in reality? "...nobody wants you until somebody has ...
Deiter comments on Jul 21, 2018:
Value is based on demand: Econ 101.* You're no one until somebody loves you.* Much research has been done on how people will often choose restaurants or movies based on how popular they are. Seeing demand as value is universal. When I see profiles of those in their 40's and 50's, etc. who've never married – or by their own admission have never been had a long term, connubial relationship – I admit, it makes me wonder what their story, or value, is.
Yesterday sadly I had to go home after spending a week with Dan at his home in Albany, NY. My old ...
Deiter comments on Jul 20, 2018:
Is it just me but isn't staying *friendly* with exes more of a young person's game? For me, I remember exactly when all of that had run its course – I was 35. Then, it just felt like me crawling back up into a life that wasn't working or making me happy – FWB be damned. It seemed like a good time to enter a new phase. You could say that for many of us our 20's ends there. (It was also, coincidentally, the time when I met my wife.)
Maybe if I keep telling myself this...
Deiter comments on Jul 20, 2018:
That yawning chasm between *deserve* and *get*: Someone said *we don't get what we deserve, we get what we resemble.* A person who clearly hadn't listened to Tony Robbins®.
So recently I put effort into looking at profiles and discovered that there was someone close by ish...
Deiter comments on Jul 19, 2018:
Oh sister, you're not cut out for this, are you? Gentlemen know that the road to dating is a hazardous one littered with sharp corners and potholes of rejection. You lay your dreams down at people's feet and they walk over them. You'll need to start by growing an elephant's skin around your heart. You think this is tough? I hope you never again have to look for a job. Dating is kid's stuff by comparison.
I wrote this as a comment on another post in this group and though it was a good enough to be a post...
Deiter comments on Jul 19, 2018:
"...guys propositioning her for casual sex, her feeling obligated to indulge them in order to keep them around, and then them not sticking around..." You've just described the engine for most of the world's hookups. I can't imagine any man anywhere who hasn't used that premise to his advantage at one time or another. There's also a female-to-male version of this, basically the stripper's economy: See how much you can get from a guy without ever giving him sex. Catfishing is another version of this.
must pedal faster so I'm not late....
Deiter comments on Jul 19, 2018:
Or just entering a room...
Here is where I feel frustrated. I've met and gotten to know men who it turned out were either only ...
Deiter comments on Jul 19, 2018:
This lament seems to come up a lot at this site. Dating can be difficult for everyone involved. *Everyone.* Who doesn't wish they could be seen for their true value and have people attracted to it? And age just seems to make everything harder. OTOH, you'd think that men in their 50's would be forced to slow the libido down some. But then, hallelujah Viagra! I say this knowing it may help no one, but: Attraction, esp the physical variety, tends to fall outside of our free will. No one says to themselves, *This person has many qualities. I think I'll be attracted to them.* It either happens or it doesn't. It's based on a network of things too complicated to tease apart. I think there's only one work around for that and sadly it's one no longer available to most of us of a certain age: Spending a lot of time around someone. Having people get to know you in a way that allows them to work through all of their innate biases. When we were young, we could do that at school or work. Or church. But what about the rest of us now? I, for one, don't know.
I had yet another discouraging evening last night. I don't normally journal but I just felt ...
Deiter comments on Jul 19, 2018:
I think what you're saying is you regret is apologizing. Yes? It's hard not to take these things personally, of course, but he had a purpose – he wanted to hook up – and you were fine with just finding someone to talk to. In a way, he was being upfront. You may not have felt that his agenda worked for you, but certainly you would've been even less happy had he been more covert about it. He could've chosen to continue to lead you on. He didn't. If I may be so bold, I think the worst thing that happened here is that he triggered you. And that's more your story than his. Your date seems to want to meet women for sex. Maybe he's not interested in a long term relationship. That isn't the worst thing in the world. You'd prefer sex to be within an ongoing relationship. Isn't that it in a nutshell? All of us, men and women, have had experiences where we don't meet someone's expectations or projections. In my own experience I've had many women think I'm not what they want after they went out of their way to show interest in me. It's hard not to be hurt or disappointed; it's easy to turn it on yourself. Unless you're Jane Fonda or Richard Branson, this s--t's hard for everyone one.
I was a side chick once without knowing it.... An ex of mine turned out to be a narcissistic and ...
Deiter comments on Jul 18, 2018:
I've met a couple of people who'd been *side chick'd* w/o knowing it. I was amazed that such a thing could be possible. I don't remember finding enough space in my own relationships for that sort of thing to happen – considering all of the phone calls, evenings out, overnighters, etc. The relationship would have to be somewhat low intensity. It'd also require a near pathological amount of lying to keep it afloat. Once, in my early 20's I'd a surreptitious relationship w/ a friend who stepped out on a friend of both of ours. At first it was illicit and exciting. Then it just got painful. (No one was married.) As for extramarital affairs, much of the allure is in the level of excitement not possible in a foundering marriage. I've known three women who'd were *side chicks* to married men and all three of them endured a world of hurt in the aftermath that proved to be more than any of them could handle. Of the three, one claimed she cried daily for a year and would later check herself into an institution (very briefly). Another, became a dangerous sleepwalker. If you know anything about that, it usually takes a major level of trauma.
If someone was to honestly compliment you, what would your response be? What traits do you hold as ...
Deiter comments on Jul 17, 2018:
I won't say I make too much of compliments but I can still remember ones from third grade. I think I've learned to take them well, with practice. I enjoy when people appreciate my skills and when my attempts at humor are met with laughter, one of the highest compliments of all. When friends or loved ones want attention this can also be a serious compliment, but one that's often misinterpreted as annoyance. Still learning about this stuff. But then, it's never enough is it?
Words to live by What words or sayings do you live by? Like: Live and let live. Spread your ...
Deiter comments on Jul 17, 2018:
*Live and Let Live*, said no Abrahamic religion ever. This is one aspect the East (Buddhism, Taoism) got over the West by far.
What's the best breakup song ever? In my opinion, it's this little number right here. Always ...
Deiter comments on Jul 17, 2018:
At last, a song worthy of the subject – giving it all the seriousness it deserves. Like this: https://youtu.be/GBmXLABEo_k
If you get invited to go to someone’s church, do you?
Deiter comments on Jul 16, 2018:
I thought it might be interesting to attend my (ex-) sister-in-law's megachurch services once. (It had a Starbucks in the lobby!) I undertook it as a kind of anthropology experience. It quickly became clear that any reasonable non-believer was going to find the content offensive in it's misinformation. Also, sexist, tribalist (or worse), non-inclusive, unscientific, and generally ignorant despite their belief that they were none of those things. You can go once but your hosts will need to understand that it's highly likely that you'll find the whole experience baffling at best.
Rules of life :) boys are dumb and girls are crazy you don't know someone until you live with ...
Deiter comments on Jul 16, 2018:
Not a fan of the *boys are dumb, girls are crazy* stereotype. I don't think *boys* are particularly dumb and I've known *boys* who've, despite their emotional ineptitude, had their hearts crushed in ways *girls* just don't. (Crushed by leaving, not dying – a whole different thing.) I've also seen women, for all of their expressive emotionality, bounce back and move on quickly. Most men, myself included, know well of the *crazy girlfriend.* But as Donald Glover says, *Notice how we never hear of crazy boyfriends? That's bc crazy boyfriends kill.* I'll admit I've often found the emotional firmware of *girls* difficult to navigate. Most *boys* pursue superficial detachment and low key their emotions as a coping mechanism. (It's what our dads did.) While I generally regard John Gray as useless, there may be something to that whole *men are from Mars, women are from Venus* schtick. My 20 y.o. daughter has had a college girlfriend for 5 mos. She just told me she's bailing on me for Xmas to be w/ her girlfriend and her mom. I said, "Wait. You're making plans for 7 mos from now on a 5 mo old relationship?" (Tho, to be fair, they'd been friends for almost 2 years before. My daughter is also aware of the stereotype of high turnover lesbian relationships.) Can you imagine a hetero – or any – couple ever do such a thing? I reckon they believe they can trust each other's communications enough to feel safe in such a decision. Wow. Imagine what a world *that* would be...
Wish this song was around when my ex dumped me for my best friend 12 years ago [youtu.be]
Deiter comments on Jul 15, 2018:
What's it like to have lived a pop song cliché?
Physical Anatomy Discussion
Deiter comments on Jul 15, 2018:
So, it's all about the penis? Seems a bit, er, short sighted. No?
Notice the difference.
Deiter comments on Jul 15, 2018:
Well, technically, Hell wasn't a Jewish thing. If anything, Jews are very ambigious and mostly non-committal on an afterlife. (They want their people to focus on the here and now.) Jesus was a total Jew and had much zeal when it came to the Law – i.e. if you're using the Bible as your source – Jesus would've had no interest in starting a religion in His name and even less for one designed to appeal to gentiles. While the New Testament is all over Hell and even assigns Jesus the task of separating the goats from the sheep and Final Judgments, etc., Jesus Himself would've said *Nah.* I'd argue Xtians really don't know what they're talking about. It's the Xtians themselves that'd love to see us all go to Hell.
Them and Me-Women and Men
Deiter comments on Jul 15, 2018:
I got into a discussion about this with someone here before: Women *also* see women as objects. It's the just way the way the brain works. It doesn't all have to be bad. Women will often objectify themselves for those they love. (The whole reason Victoria's Secret exists.) Objectification is an important component of men's sexual arousal. Again, it's built into our biology and the evolved brain. I'd also argue that the objectification of body parts of someone you love is a very different thing then being objectified in culture. Sometimes objectification and stereotyping get mixed up which is also a problem. We're all guilty of that.
How to recognize my soulmate!
Deiter comments on Jul 15, 2018:
Looks like a refrigerator door which is often the door I turn to on lonely nights.
What are your opinions about technology? Harmony is programmed to be your "perfect" companion ...
Deiter comments on Jul 15, 2018:
You may've seen the videos of men in Japan having relationships with "regular" dolls. They push them around in wheelchairs, take them on outings, bathe them, snog with them, etc. I can see how it might appeal to a primal need. And heaven knows we've all known those who love control. I'd have to think that every time I looked into her lifeless plastic eyes and expressionless silicone visage I wouldn't be able to help but think, "Is this what I've become?" and hate myself because of it.
Today's question was inspired by MissKathleen. If i were less of a Luddite I'd share accrued points ...
Deiter comments on Jul 15, 2018:
Well, one person's junk is another person's treasure. Treasure can easily become junk and vice versa. Think of it like junk bonds, high risk investments that sometimes offer high yields: emphasis on the risk. Considering how often people around here post about not being appreciated or understood, especially after the zippers go down, junk seems terribly appropriate.
So, I've been having a lot of sleep issues the past 5+ years. A few weeks ago, I finally went for a ...
Deiter comments on Jul 15, 2018:
Don't blame them: If you didn't want men to desire you, you shouldn't've been so beautiful. That aside, you did go in for a sleep study after all. Is there any way that you could've misjudged his comment?
We’re just getting started!
Deiter comments on Jul 14, 2018:
As someone currently looking for work, power is definitely *not* given w/ age. Ripeness is not marketable in a world that covets the green banana.
Question of the day: manicures...a male friend has suggested that since guys are visual that ...
Deiter comments on Jul 14, 2018:
Personally, in those moments a manicure is the last thing I'm thinking about. Done right, there could be overgrown cuticles and dirt under the fingernails for all I'd care.
[youtu.be]
Deiter comments on Jul 13, 2018:
Sad thing is each one of these mooks will probably find someone, including the Alfred E. Newman pictured above. Woe to their future broodmares and scullery wenches for not standing up: Standing up to their parents or standing up for themselves. Pity them: As long as they don't stand up, they'll be taking it lying down. Sucks to be them.
What's the single most annoying thing someone's ever done when you were out on a date with them?
Deiter comments on Jul 13, 2018:
I don't see men having as many bad experiences as women. I suspect that's bc we usually do the asking. (I do a lot of mental pre-screening before asking anyone out.) I've never really had a bad first date – even blind ones. Though, on a number of occasions I've met people who'd go out of their way to seem really, really interested in me – they approach me first, have lively conversations, heavy flirting, even kissing on occasion – give me their phone numbers and then become something else entirely when I call. As if it were all for sport or they suddenly felt regrettably slutty or too anxious or available. It's a mystery. When I was in college, in class one day I sat next to this beautiful girl by happenstance – I was sure she was way out of my league – we talked, I made her laugh, I even said a few funny things in class that day. When class was over she was waiting for me outside! We walked for a while together before our next class. Gawd, she was so dreamy. Never saw her again. She must've dropped the class soon after. Just another unforgettable hot minx breaking hearts for sport, I reckon. (Seems to be a reoccurring theme.)
Is this just me but when I go to a cafe or bar with a woman, I like to sit where I can see the door....
Deiter comments on Jul 13, 2018:
Clearly, you're a spy.
I've been divorced for 5 years. When we first divorced I was completely scared and desperate to find...
Deiter comments on Jul 13, 2018:
3% of first dates lead to marriage. That makes for a lot of dates that don't. (For comparison: 2% of job apps lead to an interview.)
Hugging matters ?
Deiter comments on Jul 13, 2018:
I was at a party thrown by a friend who was showcasing his band before industry people. I was there w/ my roommate. He started chatting up this girl. I joined in. She was a grad student in archaeology. She was working w/ a culture and in a place that I'd (only) heard of – that this would impress her meant that most people didn't. So, we got on. She was there w/ one of those industry people so after a time she went off to sit with him. Later, the band started playing and then it was too loud for talking. I was standing alone watching them when she came up to me to say she was leaving. She gave me a hug, just long enough to be promising. (She was Southern. I'd never experienced anything like that before. It was kind, brave, and, for me, very exotic.) My roommate had asked for her number. She told him it was in the phone book. (That's how long ago it was.) I found her number and called a day or two later. I knew she wouldn't've been expecting me so I told her, *If you're uncomfortable w/ this at all, it can end now.* She wasn't. We'd end up getting married. Don't underestimate the power of a well-timed hug. (Also understand – esp w/ men – they can get creepy fast, depending.)
It takes a few seconds.
Deiter comments on Jul 12, 2018:
This takes a complicated matter and reduces it to a kind of useless simplicity. Instead: Never hurt anyone intentionally. Be kind and compassionate. Endeavor to understand others as best you can. Understand that there'll be times when leaving is the best option – whether the other agrees or not. Sometimes you leave; sometimes you're left. So it goes.
Why Post Pics With Your Kids on a Dating Site?
Deiter comments on Jul 12, 2018:
I hear ya, bro. I think I've wondered similarly somewhere here before: You can add pets pics, too. At this meeting stage, aren't we all just looking for some *good company* in the short term? Chances are we'll be miles away from the *meeting the family stage* for a while. Plus, what're you bringing to the table when you're sitting across the table? Will I want to hear what you have to say and will you want to hear what I have to say? That's the hurdle we should be concerned with at the dating profile stage. It's a good box to check and I'll know we'll share similar ways of looking at the world as parents. But otherwise, the message is: *I don't have much of an identity beyond this.* At this stage anyway, your identity as a mother/grandmother/pet lover is the *least* interesting thing about you.

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Atheist
Open to meeting women
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