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If you have been called out for mansplaining or microaggressions, if you resist calling people by their preferred pronouns, do you respond by calling people “fragile,” “snowflake” “crazy” or “oversensitive?” These terms are almost universally used to dismiss the experience of people outside the traditional power structure.

Usually this happens when people stand up for themselves. A person says “your behavior is hurtful/disrespectful” and the response is to accuse them of being “too sensitive.” This is also a common tactic of abuse/control/manipulation - to tell people that their experiences are not valid.

As a man in society, if someone refers to you by a nickname you don’t use, do you feel uncomfortable in correcting them? If someone called my ex “Jim” he could politely say “it’s James” and that was the end of it. It definitely doesn’t need to be said twice. If someone calls me “Jenny” I can politely tell them it’s Jennifer. But I often get just a hint of sigh or eye roll, a verbal or non-verbal indication that I am being demanding, making a big deal of “nothing.” And occasionally my polite request is disregarded. Let me clarify that this is done ONLY by men. Certainly, it shouldn’t be a big deal TO YOU to call me by my preferred name. But to me, the “minor” disrespect of being called a name I have asked you not to use matters - it is a small but definite indication that I don’t have the right to name myself.

The same is true of people who can’t be bothered to try to correctly pronounce a name that sounds foreign to them.
And it is also the case with gender pronouns. People sigh about “snowflakes” who want to be identified as he, she or they according to THEIR identity and while it makes very little difference to you it is monumental to them.

One of the first times I heard the term “snowflake” was around the last presidential election. The target was a transgendered child asking an adult to refer to them by their preferred name/pronoun. This is both an eminently reasonable request and an intimidating situation for a child to politely correct an authority figure. It certainly took a lot of courage to say “please call me ...” but child was called a “snowflake.”

Call me by my name.

It’s really a matter of common courtesy.
But the further we get from the position of privilege, the greater the resistance to respecting a person’s basic right to define themselves.

A2Jennifer 8 June 22
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27 comments

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11

I hate it. You do not get to decide whether or not your words hurt someone. You do not get to invalidate the pain of someone else.

Just because you choose to take offense, does not mean that offense was actually given.

@LadyAlyxandrea while it's true that I don't get to decide whether or not my words hurt - I also don't have to take responsibility for how my words are perceived unless my intent is to inflict harm. If, after a failed attempt to accomplish something, I say "I'm such a retard" - it's clear that I don't mean to cause harm and that I am using the word literally i.e., impede or slow progress. Now if someone listening to that gets offended because it brings to mind a relative that is challenged every day more than most - that's on them - perhaps they need to spend some time in quiet introspection and deal with the feelings and thoughts they have about the relative facing more challenges than they do on a daily basis. If I look at a piece of art and if that piece of art strikes me as odd and I say "that's queer" I'm clearly not referring to gay people - I'm being literal - that piece of art is odd or strange to me. And so if a gay person reads my comments and makes it personal - that's on them. Words only have power if you give them power - I don't and it's liberating because I rarely take offense to anything.

@dellik just because you didn’t mean to give offense, doesn’t mean what you said wasn’t hurtful.

@dellik but, it sure gives an opportunity to examine your presentations and to see what might have slipped out...

@dellik it does NOT hurt you to be respectful of someone else.

@dellik does not mean that offense was INTENDED. Clearly it was given.
Think about in terms of a bar. You've walked in got your drink, turn round and knock over another man's drink. Was offense intended? Should you apologise?

@LadyAlyxandrea but giving validity to an invalid stance harms everyone involved.

@RobAnybody not the same thing at all. the term 'mansplaining' invalidates someones words, based simply on their gender. the example you used has an actual loss. although even there, it would be as much the drink holders fault, as the drink spiller, as the the person holding the drink shouldnt have been so up in someone elses space, that they lost their drink simply because the other party turned.

@dellik Your first comment does not mention mansplaining so I fail to see it's relevance.
As you note either party can be at fault, if one party takes offense does the other party say "well you can choose to be offended or not." No, normal humans say "sorry, can I get you another." And wankers say "What's it to you?"
Both accept that unintended offense can be given over quite trivial incidents, and the same goes with language in the great interwebz public bar.

(PS "well you can choose to be offended or not." strikes me as a passive aggressive way of saying "What's it to you?" IE of escalating with plausible deniability.)

10

When they call me a "snowflake", it is invariably over something THEY have been triggered by. When I point this out to them, invariably their response is a personal attack.

*sigh . . . they are so boringly predictable. 😒

10

Yes, to dismiss a person, is to imply that you are smarter, a higher authority, or that they are somehow less than you are! It definitely shows disrespect for the other person! It has been my experience that the person putting others down, has little self-respect...

Or, way too much ego: narcissistic people. They ‘just know’ they are better/know better than everyone else.

9

I called someone out for mansplaining on this very site, and he called me immature and a whiner. I expected better here honestly.

@iamjc the condescending assumption that a woman can't possibly know what she's talking about so it must be explained.

Example: I was looking at a car, the owner kept explaining to me how to check the oil and transmission, what the difference between a timing chain and belt are, where the serpentine belt is...etc things if he paid attention he would see I already know, all while calling me "Lil lady" and ignoring when I said "I know". He also kept trying to sell it to my dad, even though I'm the one with the money.

I see we shared the same expectation.

@LadyAlyxandrea perfect definition and example.

8

Fucking HATE this 'snowflake' thing. It's plain snobbery... Regressive, bigoted thinking, sneering at the way human awareness and compassion is changing for the better. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who uses the term instantly identifies themselves as an arsehole.

Anyway; as for addressing a person with whatever name/gender pronoun they prefer — of course. If I'm unsure what they'd prefer, I'll use they, them, their by default, however much it may piss off grammar dinosaurs. The English language changes constantly, keep up, grandad.

'They' has been a gender neutral pronoun for ages. People who complain about it haven't a leg to stand on.

8

I'm with you on courtesy when interacting with anyone.
If you've sunken to name-calling, yelling, insulting, or ridiculing someone, you've lost all credibility.

7

This is another example of accusing someone of a behavior you yourself are guilty of. The true snowflakes are those who won't acknowledge their own racism, misogyny, homophobia etc. Who truly acts more persecuted than straight, chauvinistic peckerheads right now? Our world is changing and these real snowflakes can't imagine sharing power.

Like Christians declaring that they’re being persecuted because other people say “happy holidays” or because their religion isn’t given preferential treatment by government.

@A2Jennifer Exactly!

7

The only person lately who has made up a new name for me is a woman. She calls me “Billy Bob” in a jocular way. At first I was offended but then realized that I was creating my own bad feelings and that she meant no harm. I made up a pet name for her, and we get along fine. It was good practice for me in watching my ego.

In school a few people started calling me “Willie”, which I didn’t like at all. At this stage of my life I rather like the name. There’s Willie Mays, Willie Nelson, Willie Brandt—lots of prominent Willies.

6

I get it. My full name is Robin and I’ll get called Rob sometimes. Rob is far more common, so I prefer the somewhat gender defying long form. It doesn’t bother me much though. My very close friends can call me Rob with no issue even.

The gender thing is a bit different. I’ve never been asked to use a different gender pronoun by anyone. If I were, I would certainly do so unless the person is being a real jack ass about it. What I don’t go for is legislating manditory speech.

6

I strive diligently not to use name calling or denigrate ANYONE when chatting or discussing.

Yeah, but you're old and wise.
😉

@bigpawbullets Definitely old, wise is questionable

@jlynn37
I've read your posts. You're wise.

@bigpawbullets Thank you

5

My experience is, the people calling other people "snowflake" are the ones most likely to be upset about something stupid (like showing respect for someone by using their preferred name/gender pronoun, having their Chosen Leader treated like they treated the last bloke when they were in opposition, or generally don't get their way)

I have experienced the cousin of mansplaining, which I have taken to calling "Yanksplaining". That's when an American (and usually one of the snowflake-calling militia) tries to tell me about MY country and heritage. And when it comes to the gun debate, BOTH sides are guilty of holding up the Australian model, and telling ME why it's good/bad. Uh, I bloody well LIVED with it. I don't tell Christians how to commit domestic terrorism, don't tell me about my country. 😉

Ozman Level 7 June 23, 2018
5

Excellent points, and well said. Thank you!

5

Sure I'll try to use correct pronouns, and I avoid the term 'snowflake' because I'm fucking sick of it but this whole microaggressions thing and folks putting the onus for their happiness on others reminds me far too much of my abusive narcissistic mother. It was everyone else's responsibility to keep her happy and absolutely everything offended her or was a personal attack. I walked on eggshells for 25 years. I'm done.

I get that and I have been in the same situation- with a partner who placed all responsibility for his feelings (and mine) solely on me. Even worse, narcissists tend to constantly change the expectations to keep you off balance.
But “microaggresions” really refers to seemingly small, usually unintentionally disrespectful things that have a cumulative effect of diminishing people. And as they are “micro” they tend to be things that you can’t bring up without people thinking you’re “making a big deal about nothing.”

@A2Jennifer And as you said, abusive people love to gaslight. Nothing is ever their responsibility; the victim is blamed.
I once told my ex, after he called me a name, ‘you hurt me’. He straight-out said: ‘no I didn’t’. When I insisted that I felt hurt by his calling me names, he said I was too sensitive and making a big deal out of ‘nothing’.
Aggressors and abusers really see the damage they do that way: as nothing. If we dare speak up, then it’s WE who have the problem.

5

The only time I've been accused of mansplaining is where I've honestly tried to help someone out with something they have got factually wrong. I had the feeling it was being used to shut down the discussion! What a person prefers to be called is entirely up to them and I have no problem in complying, however if I have never met you before I may make an initial mistake but don't take it personally if I'm corrected. I've been called a snowflake on numerous occasions though!

Pete66 Level 6 June 23, 2018

Look we all make mistakes, right? It’s the resistance to calling others what they want to be called that I am criticizing.

@A2Jennifer oh I get that!

5

Honestly, if you use terms like 'mansplain' and 'microaggression' you are begging to be disregarded.

dellik Level 6 June 22, 2018

Hey found one!

@LadyAlyxandrea a rational person, not seeking to blame half the population for for problems that arent real? sure did =D

@dellik no a person who invalidates another's experiences and pain because they can't be bothered to experience empathy

@LadyAlyxandrea that is a self centered egocentric view, and without merit.

@dellik actually it's egotistical and self centered to not accept that you said something hurtful and disrespectful to begin with. Nothing more narcissistic than refusing to acknowledge your part in hurting someone, or believing that your own views are more important than anothers.

@dellik as is the position that your experience/perspective is the only one that is valid.

@A2Jennifer yes, as in claiming that, regardless of facts, or intent, if someone offends you, they are at fault. that is refusing to acknowledge the rest of the world, and instead living in your own head.

By white men who enjoy the privilege of living in a society that considers them the default for all things? Yes I’ve noticed. Thanks for explaining that.
Those are not new phenomenon, by the way, they are merely new terms to describe behavior that thoughtlessly disrespects others.

@A2Jennifer so, dismissing me, based on my gender, and skin color. how very progressive of you =D

Sexist and racist all in one go. impressive. double points

@dellik you started by telling me that I deserve to be dismissed for using the words mansplain and microagression. And yes I’m aware that people who don’t experience those things (in our society, straight white men) disregard those concepts.

@A2Jennifer No, I stated anyone using made up terminology designed to blame one gender exclusively for a behavior everyone participates in deserves to be disregarded. if the shoe fits, walk on.

@dellik I’m trying to find where you said that it was “made up terminology” (isn’t all language “made up”?) and that everyone engages in those behaviors.
Women are socialized that it’s not “nice” to correct people and that it is not always safe to do so with men. So while it may occasionally come from women, it is a characteristically male behavior. Why do we need to “make up” a word for it? because “being a condescending superior know-it-all who thinks he know more about everything than any woman” is kind of wordy.

@A2Jennifer Your portrayal of women as helpless victims is honestly disgusting, both genders participate in condescendingly explaining things, and in my experience, neither does it more then the other. your appeal to sympathy with 'its not always safe to do so with men' is misandrist as fuck. You are a closet sexist, hiding behind feminism as justification for your shitty behavior.

@dellik wow you just threw out a whole bunch of random accusations, didn’t you? I didn’t invent the idea of “mansplaining” - it’s something that women have experienced - being treated as less knowledgeable only because we are women. So when some woman gave it a name, a lot of women went “oh that yeah I know exactly what you mean.”
Unless you have been a women, maybe you aren’t an expert on what it’s like to be one.

This also applies to the fact that women are taught (socialized) that it can be dangerous to upset a man - by turning him down or questioning his expertise or making him feel stupid. Not that it always is, not that all men are dangerous, but that women must always must be aware of the possibility because we are responsible for not upsetting men. It was not a statement of victimhood - I was simply stating that women don’t usually engage in that behavior because we are socialized not to - like how boys are socialized not to cry.

@A2Jennifer Lol, that doesnt even deserve a response. I've already told you Im done entertaining your intellectual dishonesty.

@dellik
So I guess we’re back where we started, aren’t we?
With you telling me that my experience as a woman is not valid, no matter how many other women have had similar experiences, because YOU get to be the arbiter of what is real or valid.
MAYBE there is a chance that some other people don’t have the same experience in life as you do. just saying.

4

I have tended to believe that no-one has a right not to be offended but everyone has the right to say if they are.

sorry@NotAndrew, i gave you a like when i didn't mean to.

@Paul_Clamberer You can tap it again and your like goes away.

Thank you for that, everyone

4

I feel that if the pronoun is part of the English language and not something made up and new I'm ok with it like calling police cops or thieves robbers but I'm not cool with pronouns that are some new trend forcing me to conform. I guess it's like this I will use a pronoun if it doesn't violate my morel standards.

If you don't care about other people, why should other people care about you?

@Donotbelieve

Ha ha! I just looked up the word. I've learned something.

4

Identity is a strange concept I can’t quite wrap my mind around. How many layers of self does a person need? How many are actually real? How many layers of self are necessary but not real? Why have an identity at all?

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualization is the top of the pyramid.
People have many identities, Identities related to the things they love and hate and do. identities related to their different roles in life (mother, brother, friend, student) identities related to race, culture, gender and sexuality. family and friendship identities, public and private identities, personal and professional identities. Somehow these varied identities combine into one stable person (usually)!

@A2Jennifer that’s an interesting take on it. Are you saying various identities correspond to the various needs on the pyramid? Although Maslow later talked about self transcendence as the top of the pyramid. It seems at that point you would have shed the layers of identity to reach self trancedence.
If identity is so many things how can you actually say you are one person? And then why call these various aspects of yourself (selves?) an “identity” at all? It’s just a rabbit hole for me. ?
It also seems at some level that identity has to be something we negotiate with society and other people if it’s somethimg we’re interested in creating. There will be conflict if that identity, space, niche, your trying to occupy isn’t recognized by the culture or for some reason the culture doesn’t value the ideas around which you’ve chosen or been chosen to “identify.”
That’s great if we can change the culture to be more open and tolerant, to an extent. It seems there’s always going to be power structures in place and we’re going to have to negotiate our place within them.
I can’t quite understand why ideas need people, because I don’t know why an individual would attach themselves to an idea and form an identity around it. It’s like the ideas themselves are having a chess match and the people are the peices on the board and the one winning gets to slowly change the rules of the game. ?

3

This is what I have a problem with. [washingtonpost.com]

Here, let me give you one of the best bits. "So men, if you really are #WithUs and would like us to not hate you for all the millennia of woe you have produced and benefited from, start with this: Lean out so we can actually just stand up without being beaten down. Pledge to vote for feminist women only. Don’t run for office. Don’t be in charge of anything. Step away from the power. We got this. And please know that your crocodile tears won’t be wiped away by us anymore. We have every right to hate you. You have done us wrong. #BecausePatriarchy. It is long past time to play hard for Team Feminism. And win."

I just call people by what they present themselves as. Also, you don't give yourself a nickname, someone has to give it to you. If any of my friends told the rest of us to call them by a nickname that they made up themselves, we would make up a new one for them and one they would not like, because, nicknames are earned by deeds not assigned to yourself. At least that's been my experience with my friends and nicknames.

Yeah that’s not equality either. There is something to be said for trusting women, making space for women, but that doesn’t require the withdrawal of men from public life.

3

The term "snowflake" became popular due to LA Times writer Jessica Roy and Tomi Lahren when she was a news commentator on Fox News during the Trump campaign.

I'm not saying that some men don't do a lot of those things, but I'd say it's less of a "male" issue and more of a conservative one. The fact that you've experienced it personally only from men doesn't mean that all women are innocent of it. Don't let your bias developed from your personal experience throw the baby out with the bath water.

Blanket statements on an entire gender or race or any group at all, are usually wrong.

Certainly this is more common in conservatism - particularly the resistance to respecting gender pronouns. It is my personal experience that women don’t push back when I ask them to use my name, while sometimes men do.

@A2Jennifer That is fair.

3

None of us possess an inherent right to be humored in our departures from reality. If I choose to be called Theodore Roosevelt, like you or any other individual, I have the freedom to do so. What we do not and should not have is a requirement of any kind placed upon others to treat it with respect. That is a matter of prevalent manners, but no more.

If I want to be atheist, it's my business and right; as would be titling myself His Heathenness. To expect others to address me in such a fashion would cause a great deal of eye rolling. I might be offended by it as well. But I have no privileged power to impose upon them a requirement to address me as 'Your Heathenness'.

All males have been female until androgens cause us to develop as males. Females have NEVER been males and, save a few special differentiations, are the better functioning and more survivable humans. For a male to merely 'think' himself to be female is perhaps vivid and real subjectively, but in this real world of life function and scientific fact, the notion is absurd.

All of the whining and cross-dressing and hormones and surgeries that can ever be developed will not rid us of the Y Chromosome. All of the pretending and cooperation of others with it we can devise cannot give a male the experience of growing up female or certain circumstantial conditions of extreme vulnerability felt by females. The list goes on but objective reality needs no arguments for the overwhelming majority of people who live it.

One cannot define or legislate good or poor manners for others; especially when it is based on fantasy. That is the very battle atheists fight against theologians who try to impose respect and the force of law upon others because of THEIR fantasies.

It is just as much a disorder as anorexia. In one case one sees a woman in the mirror. In the other, regardless of how gaunt in reality, one sees fat. Because nobody else sees a person starving as over-weight isn't their deficiency, they might sympathize or try to politely disagree, but they owe no apologies or humoring.

Basically you couldn't care less.

@Ellatynemouth

@Ellatynemouth "As I get older, the reality that life is finite becomes clearer. This leads to less tolerance for BS and the need to express oneself more fully." These are your words Ellatynemouth.

@JoshArnaldo

Yes. They are. And your point?

It's why I block people who call me "liars" or "feminazis" etc etc etc etc. Everyone should express themselves. We know where we stand then.

The block function comes in handy.

@Ellatynemouth With all due respect. My point is that its "BS" to compel speech and its "BS" to have words without meaning. Please hear me out. For example; "Mx. Jamie" tells you that the person you are being contacted by is named "Jamie" and they could be male or and they could or could not be married. Where as "Mr. Jamie" tells you that he is a he and "Ms. Jamie" tells you that she is a she. If we remove the meaning of "Mr. and Ms." whats the point of having the words? We see this with the removal of feminine forms like; Waitress, actress, hostess, heroin. I don't believe that these words are less than the male forms for a second. They allow the message sender to communicate effectively that the subject of the sentence is male or . The speaker doesn't have to say that "There was a actor." They can say, "There was an actress". Its my opinion that words have meaning and its important to have language that works.

@JoshArnaldo

There's a difference between compelling speech and deliberately being offensive.

Why would I need to call a transwoman 'he', unless I wanted to be deliberately offensive.

I once met an actress who worked in television. She called herself an 'actor'. Who am I to complain?

Are you complaining about being criticised. And how have you been criticised?

3

I've never been one to be PC. I will always speak my mind, and others take offence to it, well they'll just have to get over it.

2

Personally, I feel terrible when I make assumptions and have to be corrected. I would rather accept that I made a wrong assumption than project my guilt on someone else. I have a violent reaction to being called Billy. I was Billy when I was 4. I have cousins who change their names and what they like to be called almost every time I see them, and they still call me Billy. I take the high road and call them by their preferred name of the month and tolerate their total lack of respect. Respect is important. Sometimes, I cringe when people have the most beautiful names and want to be called some abomination version of it. I respect it, though.

1

Call it an evolutionary flaw of mine but I refuse to let words alone offend me lest I give the initiators the false impression they have power over me or my emotions.

That being said, I'll call anyone whatever they want me to call them.

@PhitDoctor50 - No. That's not what I'm saying.

She has every right to be bothered/annoyed/offended by what people say to her.

I'm just making a comment about myself.

0

Requires a more sensitive and thoughtful response than the 'gaggle' of cliches and platitudes that abound and are fashionable at present.

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