Stop the presses! You mean meeting someone, getting to know them and becoming friends before progressing to physical intimacy is manipulative? Well blow me down! Sounds like he's the player who's not getting what he wants. Exit, stage left!

They sound confused.

You do you. You're representing the way you should.
If they are confused it's on them.

You aren't leading anyone on.

More power to you for doing what you feel is right!

I have a feeling the person who was accusing you of being manipulative was in fact trying to manipulate you!

I am poly as well and in a similar situation like you. But I chose not to select “interested in meeting men” because I can see how some might think I’m misleading them. Being here for community has led to many friendships, a lot of flirts, sharing of fantasies. I have crushes, yes, but the likelihood of actually meeting up is minuscule.

Since you’re honest and upfront, I can’t see how you can be said to manipulate. That requires deception. Being poly is hard to explain so may be he’s just not getting it.

Sounds like whoever said that was projecting, and it had nothing to do with you.
Ignore it.
You're fine.

I think a lot of people think that polyamarous means easy. If you are meeting people who can't grasp that you can be polyamarous and discerning, then they probably aren't even good prospects for friendship.

I am poly as well and thought I might weigh in. As long as you are honest and up front, I see no manipulation. It may sound harsh, but it sounds (ironically) a bit like whomever you heard this from is actually the manipulator. Just because they didn't get what they wanted, a quick entry into something more than platonic respect (pun intended), they are whining and throwing out insults that are meant to strike self-doubt.

As a fellow person dating outside of marriage, I pride myself in not being manipulative. I work very hard to be forthright and while it may be selfish to know and express just what my expectations are, that is not manipulation. If a person where to call that into question it would be a direct swipe at a character trait I feel proud of. Doing so would be a very good way to manipulate me.

Keep up the honesty and thanks for the thoughtful post! Good luck!

manipulative is very different than careful. they've got no understanding outside of thier own little world.

Seems pretty clear to me it actually makes sense to get to know someone and like them before having sex with them. It doesn't seem that that is any form of manipulation whether you are a married polyamorous individual or a single monogamous person.

I think that you're going about it in one of the best possible ways. I'm poly as well and I believe wholeheartedly in becoming friends with someone first/during the whole potential dating dance. If I can't be friends with them then how is a potential relationship supposed to work? It sounds like the person/people that told you that you were being manipulative are just a bunch of haters. You keep doing you and the hell with them =)

We cannot know your intent, but being honest does not mean your a planning to manipulate someone; in fact, in means the opposite. However, it is possible someone might interpret your actions as being manipulative. Some are easily manipulated, even by people with no such intent.

I am pretty much the same way in my relationship. I believe, as you, that as long as you are upfront, honest, truthful and everyone involved knows, understands the conditions of involvement and accepts them, then no one is being manipulative or manipulated.
You do you, I do me and let's all strive to do or cause no harm.

There's no way that what you're doing is manipulative, especially so given that you're meeting people on the internet. Women have told me that guys often expect sex on the first date -- even after meeting online. Of course, when I first got involved in online dating over 10 years ago, at least 25% of profiles were married people looking for affairs (it's one thing for them to be in an open relationship, another not to be, and the understanding was that these users were not in an open relationship). Women have also told me about coming across scammers regularly. Given all that, I think you're doing the right thing and that there's no way that it's manipulative.

It makes complete sense to get to know a person and decide if you even like them before becoming physically intimate. How can this not be a no-brainer?

As long as all parties, including husband, in involved are aware and consenting it should not be any ones business.

If they didn't understand that there must be chemisty that is not your fault. Just keep on you with what works for you. They will live.

Sounds like he’s a poly-slut, says he’s polyamorous just so that he can sleep around. As the song goes, “What’s Love Got To Do with It”
He doesn’t see that you want to find someone that feels the same way.

Seems their problem not yours if you have been as honest as you can be i guess confusion can arise from any interaction though however from reading the reply posts this doesnt seem the case good luck and i wouldnt give it to much head space edit also i have found there to be quite a few trollish idiots on this site you might just have been unfortunate and run into one of them

Many people think Poly means "let's fuck". They think it means you jump from bed to bed. They have no idea that it means it's possible to actually love more than one person. And love is a slow process, usually.

Keep being up-front and honest, and kick those hook-up culture people to the curb.

I think you are being honest and up front. IMO what you are doing is fine.

Sounds like the kind of criticism one gets from someone looking into a mirror. Your approach is mature and thoughtful.

As it happens, i agree with you but, actually, that doesn't matter. You've obviously thought this through and you seem like an intelligent person. You say you're always upfront and honest about your situation and intentions. So I don't really see what the problem is. That's how you roll and no one has to roll with you if they don't want to.

People, you can live your life one of two ways;
The way YOU want to live it,
The way OTHERS want you to live it,
YOUR life, YOUR choice.

Very well put! Friends first, romance second. I love your optimisim about how you at least made a new friend! More people need to think like that.

You are on the right path....that other person has issues that are not yours....(if you are being totally up front.)