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I know the subject of age difference has come up a few times here. However, I'm curious. What would be your response when a much younger person tells you he/she is interested in getting to know you or having a relationship with you? Much younger, can be 15 or more years younger or half your age, or whatever you would consider to be much younger than you.

When that happens to me, my first thoughts would be that I would be messing up his life if we were to have a relationship. He has so much more life potential and future left ahead of him than a middle aged woman like me. He should be with his own kind and have fun and enjoy being young. I don't look my age so on many occasions younger people think I'm actually their age. And I would think, "I'm old enough to be your mother!!!". I mean, I do enjoy people of all ages (as long as they are of legal age) but these thoughts are always at the back of my mind.

graceylou 8 Aug 5
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79 comments

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4

I read somewhere that the following is an accepted guideline for age difference for a male anyway.. but of course it depends on the couple..

Acceptable age difference is half your age +7

Who is setting the 'acceptable' boundary? I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing, however I am curious who the 'acceptable' monitor is?

I have heard of that. But yeah, who decides that.

@patchoullijulie @gracielou

It's just taken off the internet..can't for the life of me remember where..but it doesn't really matter..it was only a guide..and I think within reason two consenting adults can do pretty much what they please..and they certainly do..

@Hitchens Absolutely and yes they do! 😀

1

First, you look a lot younger than your actual age! But, I digress. Personally, I prefer people in by age range +/7 years.

Yes. That is true that I do. Most people would not guess I’m even 40.

@Donotbelieve Thank you. I wouldn’t say it’s flawlesd myself though.

2

My response is that I don’t feel that we could possibly want the same things. We are at such different places in our lives that it just doesn’t seem like it’s a feasible relationship. I also seem to attract younger guys more so than ones my own age. Sometimes I wonder if that means that I am immature...

@Donotbelieve that’s it, I am now vibrant! Thank you!

1

I have to say that I'm very happy that you're cognizant of the dilemma at the age difference presents. That is not to say that you and he couldn't have a very long loving relationship but there will be a point where he's going to still be young relatively young and then he's going to have to take care of you. that is unless God forbid he gets a rare disease and you have to take care of him. It is something that he has to come into with his eyes wide open it is something that you have to talk about with him.

I am a massage therapist and I have seen first-hand (pun intended) what kind of effect it has on people when they enter into these kinds of relationships where the age difference is tremendous. Of course it's made more complicated when the couple ends up having children. I had one client where the female in the relationship was in her late 20s or early 30s and the guy in the relationship was in his 60s. When I met them she was in her fifties and he was in his 80s and their two kids were in college. the wife had to explain all the time that that was her husband not her father and the kids always had to explain to people that he was their dad not their grandfather and he struggled because he wanted to do things and be as lively as they needed him to be but he just could not. this is the relationship that I saw more in depth but I shall more. There was one where there was some disparity and age but the real problem was that he got dementia and she was in denial and when that happens it doesn't matter whether there's one year difference or 10 years.

My situation isn't actually about age difference per se because my other relationships are/were with much older men and they have/had lasted 10 years or more. I know what to expect in those situations. It's about much younger men specifically which are not my usual type.

@graceylou it sounds like the question that you are asking is concerning your own emotional limitations and insecurities with having a romantic with a younger man. You maybe the only one who can answer your own feelings about this or at least someone who knows you and your younger boyfriend and that person can specifically address this question.

I can say that my sister is married to a man 5 years younger than she is and for her that had never happened before but she never questions the subject of age because was entirely in love. That is an ok example but not great because their age difference is not that extreme.

I wish you and your boyfriend the best outcome and much love.

@Honey-bChanger Thank you. I was just wondering if others felt the same or completely different. He knows how I feel and when I mention that he thinks I’m trying to push him away. I should just leave the subject alone.

2

15 years younger or half my age? She would be 16-17 years old.

My response: GET AWAY!!!!

I did say the definition of much younger varies.

Half your age and then plus 7. For someone who is 32, the younger age becomes 23. For someone who is 20, the younger age becomes 17. Personally IMO, once the younger becomes 21 or older, it's a matter of maturity.

1

Whatever and whomever you are comfortable with.l don't think you are too old for me at all. ?

You aren't too old for me either. LOL.

@graceylou A sweet answer. ?

1

I feel like you. My daughter is 43 and anyone even approaching that decade is a real yuk for me. 15 years difference is a real stretch as there are other aspects besides chronological.

Yet, I have no problem with much older men. When I'm with older men, I'm often mistaken as their daughter because I look much younger than I actually am, and yeah, I admit I don't dress my age either (whatever that is supposed to be).

@graceylou So when you get older will you revert to a 'cougar'?

1

I think the important thing is just finding a person that is on the same wavelength as you are in life. If they happen to be much younger, or much older then so be it. I have a co worker that is 33, and his wife is 59 I believe, but despite all her current health issues, I don't suspect any foulness in their relationship.

Yes definitely true. To complicate matters, I’m poly. My other relationships are with much older men who fit well with me. Only one with a much younger man but obviously we share many interests and ideals or we would not have been together at all. He isn’t the one having those nagging thoughts. It’s all me.

@graceylou I don't know if anyone over the net is going to be able to give you enough clarity to decide on whether this much younger guy is someone you should be in a relationship with. You can do one of to things take a chance to find out if it can be anything at all, or decide against, and wait till a guy more your age, and poly tolerant comes along in your life. There are many people on this world, you can filter some out of contention for your heart if you like, and doing so will not be the end of the world. I guess tou just need to ask yourself do you want him in your life, or not.

2

I'm 43 and I have found I just can't relate with most people more than about ten years younger than me. It feels like they're from another planet. I get tired of the blank stares over not just little things like 'the fuck is a rotary phone,' but also things like handling money, relating with family, etc. I don't fault them for having different experiences, but it really feels like we're both trying to cram a square peg into a round hole.

On the flip side, I can't really relate with folks who are older than me, because they always seem to want to treat me like I'm a stupid kid. Yeah, I look younger than my age, but that doesn't excuse the 'I'll tell you when you're older' attitude.

I totally get that. I’ve had that happen a few times. I hate the “it’s cute you think you are right but since you’re much younger you don’t actually know as much as us older folks” attitude.

1

I've always thought you were very attractive. Wish I was younger. 😉

Why would you wish that?

@graceylou My lame attempt at irony.

2

I'm 88. If I was ever approached by anyone under 60, she would likely be a hooker.

Unfair comment! There are many desirable and fully capable women who can be interested in older men. How do I know? Because I’m an older man, and I’ve met many younger women who were interested in dating older men.

1

I would chastise her nerve and exclaim how dare she stand in my living room completely naked arms thrown wide begging me to do anything I want to her. I would wag a judgemental finger at her and sternly explain why that would be so wrong repeating everything I heard in church and ask her what's wrong with her.
I would point out how perky breasts and smooth skin and no cellulite and no stretch marks and no spare tire around her waste and no scars and no face wrinkles are so unattractive and send her to a nunnery to get her life straightened out.
Nah, just kidding. I'll fuck her and love every second of it. ?

That's awesome. And kinda hot.

@graceylou

people are funny. I love them.

1

In my experience all my friends were married so it might have made me hurry to marry at 21 and the woman was 34 and had 4 kids. It worked for a couple of years. In the end we remained friends over the years. She's dead now and so are 2 of the kids.

Next I'm 24 and ran off with a 16 year old. Still in the same family as the first one here, but this time around I end up with 2 daughters even though the relationship is not good.

In 1974 I ran off with a woman who had 8 kids and ended up helping raise half of them. She was 18 years older than me and we got along fine. She died of a heart attack in 1984 but my 2 daughters from the earlier marriage had come to live with us. The youngest after I found myself alone again.

In 2004 I went to Kenya at 58 to meet my future wife of the Luo tribe. She was 28 at the time and we were married 12 years. We spent over 10 years of this together. We remain friends today and we had no children together. I haven't seen her in 2 years but we both still live alone.

Throw misguided religion in between all this and there are my loves and relationships. Young or older didn't matter to me. Three white women and one black. No big deal.

WOW. That’s quite a life story.

@graceylou It doesn't make a lot of sense really. In between it all you find weavings of Evangelical religion and extreme right wing politics. Today I am as liberal as they come. Earth is a crayon box and we are the crayons.

4

Maybe it’s different for ‘older’ women, but I would be suspicious if a much younger woman said she was interested in me. I can’t get women my own age to notice me.

6

In general, if I were into short term, a younger man would be ok. For a serious relationship, it would be difficult to imagine having a compatible mindset with a younger man. Anything is possible though and I wouldn't necessarily rule out anybody within say, 15 years.

I think age difference is more important during younger years. Seems like a an 18 year old and a 28 year old would be in relatively different places in their lives compared to a 48 year old and a 58 year old. Young people are facing a lot more life changes - education, career, family, while an older person is usually in a more settled state.

Yes, absolutely true. My bf is 27 currently and I'm 47. We've been together 2 years. He pursued me relentlessly though I wasn't interested in someone so young. At his age, he's old enough to have his own career and kids. May be that is my issue here, that he's at that age where many men would start thinking of getting married and having families. That sort of thing will not ever happen with me. He knows all that.

5

Let the other person decide what is best for their own life...women live longer than men and you could have a wonderful life together....why would you be ruining anyone's life if he wants to be with you? The only consideration is if he wants children...in that case, that will be something he has to deal with from the beginning. Things do change, but being middle aged is not a reason to not let love happen.

Good answer.

2

My relationships have almost all been with women who were either several years older or several years younger, and it has never been a factor in either the attraction or the separation. To your specific point, dating a woman half my age would be a positive experience for her. She would learn about chivalry. She would be at ease with ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, and not feel obligated if she did so. She would be with somebody who is delighted to be seen with her. She would learn what it is like to truly be appreciated.

I've had the same experience with much older men myself, and prefer them. I'm not normally into much younger men. In their 30s or early 40s are fine, but in their 20s is a bit much too young usually for me.

2

I personally prefer older women, I have done the part thing I have gone out and been wild. I prefer someone more down to earth and tend to relate a little better with aomeone older than myself.

When I am approched by younger, my first thoughts usually go to what kind of craziness will I have to deal with and would they really want to stay in on a Friday.

I've met quite a few younger men who prefer more mature women. I don't see anything strange about that because normally I would be interested in much older men.

1

At my current age the lowest I think I could go for a long term relationship is 21. Can’t be the guy goin “sorry but my girlfriend can’t get into the bar let’s go to Fridays instead.” It’s also worth remembering that no ones prefrontal cortex/impulse control is fully developed until they’re 25. So if you’re in your 30s or especially 40s I’d try not to go much lower than 25. I mean if you’re not in a position of authority over them and an 18-24 year old wants to hook up, good luck stopping yourself and I probably wouldn’t blame you. But I’m not gonna be terribly optimistic about trying to make a relationship of it.

I lost my virginity to a 31 year old lady when I was 18 and that’s a fantastic combo if you want to break a bed; both genders in their sexual prime; you really need to clear out your schedule for a few days to see where that goes at least once in your life ladies. If you can’t find a good man, raise one, amirite? Lol. I don’t think it would have worked out as a long term relationship though, as badly as we wanted it to. There are exceptions though and for as hard of a time as I’ve had finding love ever since, I’m in favor of casting a wide net. As long as everyone’s health n happiness are augmented rather than detracted from, I see nothing wrong with most legal age gaps. It can be pretty hot for sure.

It might just be because of my current age but I do have sort of a mental double standard where, beyond a decade gap, it’s infinitely less creepy if the woman is older. I mean old men creep me out and they’re not even trying to fuck me, so I guess I just feel extra bad for young ladies. If they’re with a much older guy it usually seems like it’s about money/security/daddy issues, but whatever floats ya boat. I’m not here to judge.

You cracked me up! Great answer and with brilliant thought behind it!
I agree with you on the double standard when hearing it from the "other side" perspective but being on the other, other side and FEELING it, that is different! I joke that if they are too young to get the Mrs. Robinson reference then they are to young! Tho it is very flattering it can also make a girl feel a little...selfish(?) I can't quite grab the right feeling... I have a friend who is almost 15 years younger than me and after we both realized there was a physical attraction in addition to emotional connection it did change things a bit. I had to think about him not ever having children of his own, my daughter is an adult and I am no longer able to have any. He wouldn't be able to experience that joy! Another big one was, what happens in another 10-15 years when I don't want to or feel like doing the same type of things I'm doing now?! Should he have to slow down just because I do? And what if he finds that boring? It would break my heart.
We had some fun through the years and still remain close friends but there was an unspoken understanding that a long-term relationship was unrealistic.

4

My best friend and lover is 21 years younger than me. Personally, I love it when younger women want me. Hell, I love it when women of almost any age want me. 🙂

Mine's 20 and some odd months younger. Some days we are at par. Some days I feel like I'm housetraining a puppy dog. Puppies are cute but could be a handful.

1

At 42, “much younger” to me is someone in their 20s or even early 30s, LOL... A huge turn off to me when a guy says: “I like older women,” because I think why say that, you should like me for me not just some generic arbitrary goal that you seek in every partner. Side note: “I like bigger girls” will get an FU and a block from me on a dating site, because that is noooooot a compliment! I have a lot in common with younger guys, but I have some fears against dating one. 🙂

True. Some much younger men want a mature woman but a lot of times I'm just a silly crazy girl. I don't want to be held up to a standard people might have of women in the late 40s.

1

I couldn’t do it putting aside the legality of such a relationship any woman that is around 5 years younger than me is too young for me. I need her to be around my age: anything else feels wrong.

Fair enough. It's not for everyone.

2

I'd faint if any woman said she was interested.

Awwwwwww.

4

Good Grief. We sure do conjure up enough barriers in our minds, don't we? And guess what - what's going on inside my head and your heads IS NOT REAL.

Ageism to me is bigotry writ large. Now I'm sure I'll get a barrage of, "Well, this is what happened to me..." - and you know what? It doesn't matter what happened to somebody else.

Age is just a number. Race is scientifically irrelevant. If a person is brave enough to express interest in you, why should you do anything but be smart, listen and learn about that person. Prejudging them is so, well, religious.

You are right. We do invent issues where there might be none. Although like in any relationship there could be situations arising that are age related or not age related.

1

I prefer men my own age or close to it. I also look young for my age. I've been pursued by men old enough to be my father, but more often by men young enough to be my son. I think the super young ones are sometimes looking for a sugar mama. Not interested in that. I have a son I could spoil, but want him to make it on his own.

The lopsided age thing can be fun in the short term, but from my experiences, the intentions were not always honorable. If you've got something real, then enjoy it. If you feel something's not quite right, and you are hesitating, then you might be right. Every case is different.

I actually don’t think I can maintain a relationship with someone my age. May be it is because those my age tend to have a view of life that doesn’t coincide with mine. Lop-sided works best for me. My relationships have lasted decades. With my younger one two years now. I just want to enjoy it but I get the feeling lately he’s restless and is wanting more with me.

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