Agnostic.com

85 11

Would like your opinion on this...there's a nurse I work with who basically hit on me at work. He's married. Im not interested but see him as a comrade as I do all my coworkers so it came as a shock. First he added me on facebook...which is fine, others have done the same. Then he became more chatty. Then a few days ago I noticed he touched my shoulders while talking to me and also once on my waste with one hand ...I noticed it but decided it was nothing weird or something others have done at one time or another so I forgot about it. Then the next day I asked him to waste a drug with me and he said, for you Id do anything. Then the next day in the OR during a case he just basically says to me...the pants you wore into work this morning made my day keep doing that. I turned bright red. I workout after work so I wear my workout clothes to work then change into scrubs. I found myself explaining this to him and embarrassed, ashamed. I said I wasn't wearing that anymore. He said no please do. That's why I sit by the scrub machine every morning eating breakfast. At this point I didn't know he was married. But I did feel uncomfortable. I laughed it off and tried to make a joke of it. I mentioned it to a female coworker who told me he was married with 4 kids. I was really kind of shocked but decided to pretend it never happened and avoid it in the future. Went home. Then he started messaging me...nice way to end the shift with you and other flirty things. I confronted him that he was married. He said...so can't a man give a woman a compliment as a friend? then he wanted to know if I would be attending the going away party at a bar for a scrub tech sat night. asked me twice if I would be there, said i need to start hanging out with my work family. I did not go. Im not sure the correct way to deal with this. I don't want to be weird or make a problem or anything bc i have to work with this person. I work at a small facility and we have a very close work family. Im hoping it doesn't ever come up again but if it does....how do I address it appropriately without creating tension?

lauraleigh38 6 Nov 17
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

85 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

6

I would tell him straight out I"m not interested and you are making me feel uncomfortable. If you don't stop saying these things and contacting me i'll report you. Warn him.. so at least he knows how you feel
..

3

I would tell him to be respectful. And, if not, file a complaint.

4

You are being sexually harassed. Save all communications, and take it to HR.
He is the one creating tension FOR YOU. Don't be concerned with how this will effect him. HE is the problem. HE is making it "weird". Hoping it'll go away isn't going to happen.
If you don't have an HR department, take it to your supervisor, and to his supervisor, if it's not the same person.
He is making your work environment uncomfortable.
Do not accept blame for something that is NOT your fault.
Don't worry about how this is going to effect him. He isn't remotely concerned about how it's effecting you.
Good luck.

3

Only you can decide how assertive you are comfortable being. I work in a hospital and have had a lot of come ons from married men. In my hospital, when docs have affairs the partner gets fired and the doc gets a slap on the wrist. When a doc asked me if i liked being choked i asked him if his wife enjoys it. Another married doc kept asking me to go places, and every time i asked if his wife was coming. He said she didnt have to know so i said that if you're hiding it from someone you care about, it's wrong. I find that continually looping their inappropriate comments back to their spouse makes them get frustrated and move on. No rocking the boat. Its not like HR will do anyyhing at my hospital.

1

I'd be straight with him, without threatening to escalate it. File a complaint only if he doesn't back off after you've told him.

3

You're asking the question, but you already know the answer. Trust your gut, Laura. Good luck, hon.

I think this sums it up perfectly. I feel like she knows what needs to be done, but thinks there's some slight hope that it is all perfectly innocent. It's not.

0

Start talking a lot about this great new guy you met, and how you think you are falling for him. Total lie, but he can back off gracefully.

1

I empathize with you sense of creepy. Any work colleges have comments about him?

How does he figure in with the staff and management?

In general. Start a journal. Record every strange connection. Provide dates, times, references.

I agree with starting a journal and recording everything. You're probably going to need it when you file a sexual harassment suit on him (which is what he's doing). Also, unfriend him from all social media and possibly block him. At least that's what I would do.

@kiramea . . . Maybe. .. .. Maybe this guy will be useful. . . . .
Women: do not discount the immediate offering of orgasms.

DANGER:::: It is a muscle. Use it or lose it. THIS IS NO JOKE!

To refuse an offered penis, at minimum, requires significant fundamental instinctual response. Not just a bit of disdain.

Of course, this is NOT only the man part of me expressing my interest in such activities. It is science that women need to be poked to retain/extend pokabilitiy.

How is that wrong. Only one life to live. So why are we not fucking more?

@Jacar I truly hope this is sarcasm.

If this isn't, I was married to someone like you. I hope to NEVER be involved with anyone like that again.

@kiramea . . semi silly. . . but true a muscle requires use to endure a lifetime.

What is wrong with such a recognition of reality?

@Jacar I thought at first that your comments were just a poor taste joke but from your reply I get the sense that you are actually serious.

Aside from being laughably wrong I think your comments are seriously offensive, whether you are joking or not.

@Cassiopeia . . . please read my words as very supportive of women. "Tis science. And all about women's freedom.

@Jacar as a woman I can tell you that your words are most definitely not supportive of women. Nor is it science (do show your scientific sources) or about freedom. What it does is objectify women and their sexuality.

How could you possibly believe that advising a woman to have sex with someone she has no interest in is about her freedom?

“Women need to be poked to retain/extend pokability”. If you don’t see what is so very wrong with that statement I am not going to try to explain it to you.

You have no understanding of women or their sexuality, neither physically nor emotionally, whatsoever.

As for orgasms, women certainly don’t need men for those. And sex with another person is about so much more than just an orgasm.

0

And: it is always good form to be applying for new jobs. If for no other reason than to know what you are worth.

4

Tell him you already have one asshole in your pants, and you don't need another one. there is no comeback for that. If that doesn't work, HR.

Great retort! I love it!

2

By not "being clear with him" of YOUR intentions, he keeps following his. You haven't told him "no", you're "not interested". If you create tension in him, so be it. It's your sanity (and your image at work)... that's at stake. They all know about him...

3

Do u want my American answer or my Italian / Greek answer ? Bcz I can give u both :
First of all , unfriend him on any piece of media u have an account on .
Second , do your Pyxis rooms have cameras ? If they do , ding ding ding bingo bingo bingo ??
Do ask him to waste the next drug w u . And wait for the comment . When he opens his f mouth , tell him to " consider this his final warning . If u ever approach me again at any way and with any other word / comment / compliment / physical , be prepare to face HR . "
Say it , and no need to discuss , move on wasting drug . This is the one camera at any hospital that can easily trace back .

The Italian / Greek way : listen u motherf , u touch me again or u even talk to me again , and I ll make sure your wife will shove your dick into your ass while u filling applications for new employment .
Can u say that ? Man , I wish I was there for u !

And . These type of assholes can twist everything . Take shots of msgs he send u . And . Honestly , u need to let HR know . U r not his only potential food . He will do again to someone else . And that , IS IMPORTANT TO FIGHT FOR .

@lauraleigh38 trust me she knows what a diamond he is . 4 kids . Trust me . And . Not your problem . U need to rescue self and protect others . ♥️♥️♥️

HAAAAAA! I like the Italian/Greek version Miss Pralina. 🙂

0

I agree with everyone else. Warn him to stop, and if he persists, take it to HR. I’d avoid being alone with him whenever possible. It makes me feel bad for you. Nothing like unnecessary stress. All the best, however you handle it. ??

2

Based on your description, the creating of tension has been from his end; a transference of his own tension. A person who creates distractions and behaves in a distracted manner in a workplace that is vital to facilitating the good health, if not survival, of others has their priorities skewed.

If his mind isn't on his job 100% it is a weak link in your shared chain. If anything, pointing that out should release tension; enabling better performance and more comfort among one another for work related comaraderie. His creation of tension has worked against that kind of environment. Your good judgment and discomfort with attending the event deprived you and other fellow workers of a valuable opportunity to make your team stronger and your work more pleasurable.

Other than his behavior disclosing that he is immature and troubled, I don't know enough about the rest of his character to make my suggestions a real solution. My thinking if you have a coworker who's professionality you can trust, she/he outght to be told about your situation just as a place of status safe-keeping; someone who might be able to serve later as second party chronological confirmation of your discomfort. If it persists, particularly in the midst of performing care, I'd consider (depending on maturity evaluation) telling him that if it doesn't end entirely and immediately, you'll file a grievance on the basis of patient well-being and workplace harassment. 2. That it wouldn't be received well by most wives. 3. That the slightest hint that he wants to reverse the tension he's created with retaliatory, childish demeanor, you'll proceed with the complaint anyway. 4. That he's created counterproductive tension and that it's his responsibility to make it entirely vanish, 'or else'. (with an o.k? and a big smile...)

It is drastic but people like that sometimes don't get the full message and will resort to 'pay-back' for spoiling their fantasies and unrealistic expectations. If he had any respect for you or himself he wouldn't expect you to receive his base banality as complementary. It isn't the stuff of respectful, professional level friendships.

....you asked for it. 🙂

^^^ this is perfect ^^^

1

Tell him you'll kick him where it counts if he does it again. Then do it.

I know you're kidding...
If you're not then suddenly she looks like the crazy one, out of a job and has an assault record.
I think she needs to be careful with this anyway so he doesn't make her work situation even worse.

6

you're not the one creating the tension. there is no polite way out of this. here is the proper plan:

  1. unfriend him on facebook.

  2. tell him not to touch you on the shoulder or anywhere else, ever again.

  3. tell him that you will not converse with him except as business requires. follow through and pretend he has not spoken if he makes things personal.

  4. report him to highers ups if he doesn't back off.

  5. report him to police if he stalks you.

g

1

In my experience, this is a male, who allows his ‘sexual attraction free reign!’ If he puts ‘it’ out there and someone ‘bites,’ then it was all in the game! But, this is a dangerous game as people can get hurt or loose their job, it is not worth taking part in! I would state my position clearly and let him know that you are not interesting in playing games! Let this person know, that this is not fun, to you! If it continues, i would report it to your supervisor one time and if it continues, I would file a complaint.

1

Report him! Everyone has pretty much given you the steps to take. If you don't, he will try his tricks on someone else, and it will be a case of rape.

@powder It's against the law! [dol.gov]

2

Tell him to cut the shit and that you aren't comfortable with it. If he countinues to do it he will find himself reported.

what she said.

1

You have to be firm with someone like that and politely inform them you are not interested in such discussions while on the job or even after your shift ends. If he persists in the advances, I would go to the human resources department (assuming your place of employment has one that is) and report him. I dealt with a similar circumstance with a female employee years ago that wouldn't let up and went to HR to report her for harassment. When situations like that come up, you can't be afraid to speak up, as it wouldn't be your fault any of that happened.

0

I think that based upon the information you have given us and the fact that he has not actually done anything yet to justify a sexual harassment complaint it would be wise to put some distance between him and yourself in order to be sure that he is actually trying to hit on you. If it continues then call him out on it and tell him thanks but no thanks, I'm not interested and if he persists then tell him that it will get ugly with a harassment complaint to be filed against him for his actions.

It's against the law.
[dol.gov]

So make the complaint to HR and see where it goes but I can see both sides of this issue so it may backfire on Laura and add further stress to her life. She reports that he inappropriately touched her on the shoulder and on the waist and he denies touching her waist but does recall being compassionate about something and giving her a friendly tap on the shoulder; his recollection and not hers. He says that he did tell Laura that she looked nice on occasion because he knows that she is going through a rough stretch at home and wanted to be supportive and the same reason applies to why he reached out to her on social media which may be written in terms that are nebulous. If the guy is an operator trying to put the moves on Laura then he will have covered his tracks and I'm guessing this is the case from the lack of any comments in the original post stating he said such and such which is clearly harassment instead of 'flirty things like nice way to end the shift with you'. The guy may be a sleaze and is probably aware of Laura's personal life and could be trying to take advantage of her or he might actually be caring and supportive but at this point I think it isn't definitive and could wind up getting spun back at Laura to the point of her competency and professionalism being questioned. I'm not suggesting that is fair but I would want an airtight case before I proceeded. I've had a female co-worker come into my house and take her clothes off, extremely awkward considering I knew she was in a vulnerable state personally and I was not interested in having a relationship with her or a quick sexual encounter, it was inappropriate, I deflected it and got her dressed and back home but it would still later come back to bite me through the rumour mill at the office and I was the villain in her account of what happened, nothing happened at all but that's how these things can go down.

4

If you have any of this communication from him in FB msgs, elsewhere, save all of it. In at least 2 safe places.

2

This is harassment and against the law in the workplace. Report immediately to Human Resources.

Source:
1

Keep evidence on hand.
Tell him to back off in no uncertain terms. If you try anything more subtle than that if you do report him he'll claim mixed messages from you.
Then report him. I hate saying that, but you don't know what his reaction to rejection will be, what form the retaliation could take, including (but not limited too) sabotage at work. I know that it sucks to do something like report a guy, but I don't think you're going to have a choice. No one wants to be 'that' woman, but sometimes it is warranted.

1

If he knows that you're currently separated, then he could, consciously or subconsciously, see you as an easy target. You're in one of the most vulnerable places of life right now. He can either respect that and try to be supportive, or try to take advantage of it. Sounds like he's doing the latter. Lot's of good advice in the comments, I agree, report him if it continues.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:225515
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.