You don't get more say - but you get equal say.

Your no should mean as much as his desire to have the huge house.

I agree with others on counseling. You can't fix someone who competes with family.
But counseling might get through to him why your perspective is valid too.

I forgot to address your final comment about having more say because you make more.

I disagree with relationship power being defined by earning amount as there must some things he does or contributes that you do not that cannot have a monetary value attached

If you make 50% more, you should contribute to the household economy at 50% more so that your personal spending levels are similar but your power levels should still be equal

When I was married, my husband wanted a larger customized house to be built for us that was at the absolute end of our county whereas I wanted one centrally located and much less expensive.

It was the early 90s and we had been arguing over a home computer which I considered a bad idea (I know, who knew) and he capitulated on the house if I agreed to a computer. There may be something else your husband wants that this house is a surrogate for. Or you can offer to agree to.

In any case, we divorced about 5 years later and I was able to afford the retention of house for me and the kids. Had we bought the larger house, I would not have been able to keep the kids comfortably housed.

If you lost your job and had to start over at entry level, could you afford this house?

In one of your responses you say that the payment would be 50% of your take home pay and you make 80% of the income, so I agree you need more elbow room. I also agree that 3 miles further (from what, work? town?) is not a rationale to spend that much more. I also agree that two people don't need a 3000 sq foot house. Indeed, I've never lived in a house that big, even when there were 2 kids at home, and I never felt deprived. In the early days, I raised my two children in a nice, new home but that was a single-wide mobile home.

Credible financial advisors would say you should spend no more than 30% of your income on housing. If either of you agrees to more than that, you'd be a fool. And I'll add to that, it should not exceed 30% of your reasonably expected income. If your husband has trouble holding down a job, or if his employer's line of business is volatile or declining, don't count his income. Same for you.

That 40K will add about $50 to your monthly payment! Is the location excellent? Will it be problem/remodel free? You may want to listen to his reasons and not just dig in on price.....

Financial pressure tends to be a quick route to divorce.

He had his input... You have yours... It's ultimately your decision, your choice...

YES!!!

If he wants it, he can have it . . . . but he will have to pay for it himself, alone . . . . . D-I-V-O-R-C-E . . . . would better than ending up on the shitty end of the stick. That is 20 Years of payments, and a lot of things can happen in 20 years.

Yes,he is being unreasonable,not thinking very soundly, 4 or more bedrooms? Are you planning on renting out a room or two?

1K per month!? Where the fuck is this house?

hmmm.....say no, and mean it. end of discussion?