hmmm.....say no, and mean it. end of discussion?

1K per month!? Where the fuck is this house?

Yes,he is being unreasonable,not thinking very soundly, 4 or more bedrooms? Are you planning on renting out a room or two?

If he wants it, he can have it . . . . but he will have to pay for it himself, alone . . . . . D-I-V-O-R-C-E . . . . would better than ending up on the shitty end of the stick. That is 20 Years of payments, and a lot of things can happen in 20 years.

YES!!!

He had his input... You have yours... It's ultimately your decision, your choice...

Financial pressure tends to be a quick route to divorce.

That 40K will add about $50 to your monthly payment! Is the location excellent? Will it be problem/remodel free? You may want to listen to his reasons and not just dig in on price.....

In one of your responses you say that the payment would be 50% of your take home pay and you make 80% of the income, so I agree you need more elbow room. I also agree that 3 miles further (from what, work? town?) is not a rationale to spend that much more. I also agree that two people don't need a 3000 sq foot house. Indeed, I've never lived in a house that big, even when there were 2 kids at home, and I never felt deprived. In the early days, I raised my two children in a nice, new home but that was a single-wide mobile home.

Credible financial advisors would say you should spend no more than 30% of your income on housing. If either of you agrees to more than that, you'd be a fool. And I'll add to that, it should not exceed 30% of your reasonably expected income. If your husband has trouble holding down a job, or if his employer's line of business is volatile or declining, don't count his income. Same for you.

When I was married, my husband wanted a larger customized house to be built for us that was at the absolute end of our county whereas I wanted one centrally located and much less expensive.

It was the early 90s and we had been arguing over a home computer which I considered a bad idea (I know, who knew) and he capitulated on the house if I agreed to a computer. There may be something else your husband wants that this house is a surrogate for. Or you can offer to agree to.

In any case, we divorced about 5 years later and I was able to afford the retention of house for me and the kids. Had we bought the larger house, I would not have been able to keep the kids comfortably housed.

If you lost your job and had to start over at entry level, could you afford this house?

I forgot to address your final comment about having more say because you make more.

I disagree with relationship power being defined by earning amount as there must some things he does or contributes that you do not that cannot have a monetary value attached

If you make 50% more, you should contribute to the household economy at 50% more so that your personal spending levels are similar but your power levels should still be equal

You don't get more say - but you get equal say.

Your no should mean as much as his desire to have the huge house.

I agree with others on counseling. You can't fix someone who competes with family.
But counseling might get through to him why your perspective is valid too.