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I am in love with this woman and we've been seeing each other for 3 years now. It's so difficult to actually be with her due to her children. After listening to her stories of past relationships I've really tried hard to not be like the men in them. I wanted to get her families blessing to be with her and to not be afraid that i would be another big mistake. To show how serious I am about her i even proposed to her to which she said yes. I was over the moon but surprised she kept that to herself. She is so afraid of her families disapproval that she constantly engages in a game of smoke and mirrors about us. As a result I still can't be with her or even spend the evening or night with her except once a week for a few hours. I know all the signs are screaming out that she just isnt ready to have a healthy relationship with me and it really hurts me so much. I can't help how i feel about her and have recently developed thoughts of ending my life because it seems easier then living with the hurt of not being able to be with her. I just don't know what to do. I've tried talking to friends but it does'nt help and I've tried talking to 'her' about it and she just says 'it will happen'. I am on the brink.

Nardi 7 June 28
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46 comments

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3

If this is as far as you have gotten in 3 years I would say it doesn't bode well for you. Maybe you need to figure out what qualities it is that you love about her. Maybe you are in love with the idea of love. It sure sounds screwed up to me but you have to figure it out. She is using you when she wants you. Sorry

Totally agree. This is so one-sided the boat is going to tip over if our friend doesn’t get out!

4

Sorry to hear all that. But I shall be blunt, if she was feeling about you as you feel about her, then she would not act the way she does. You need to leave, and don't for one moment think about that there is nobody else there for you because there is. She is using you for her own purposed, whatever they may be. Why on all earth would you want to kill yourself, what purpose would that achieve? I know you are hurting but before you met her you were alone and you did survive, you will survive this too and there will be someone who will suit you better, who will treat you better who will love you and you will love them. If as you say her children are the difficulty in the relationship what makes you think that that would stop even if you were to get married or move in together. Seems like she will always put those children before you or anyone else. I suspect that they are not young children but either teenagers or adults. Get out and put your energies into things that you love doing. One step at a time. Many of us have been where you are and we are fine after the event.

3

You should talk to a therapist about this instead of us. Check your health insurance, it may be covered.

1of5 Level 8 June 28, 2019
1

Dead end beware

bobwjr Level 10 June 28, 2019
5

Sorry that you're hurting, but there is nothing about your relationship with the woman you described that indicates she is serious about a future with you. She's keeping your relationship a secret from nearly everyone she knows. That is a HUGE red flag to me. When I read what you'd written, my first thought was that she is married and keeping that from you. Sure, maybe she's been involved with guys who weren't so great, in the past, but something about what she's saying does not ring true to me. Granted, I'm only hearing your side of it, but I don't see any reason why you would make up such a story.

I strongly suggest seeking professional help to assist you as you navigate this chapter in your life.

There isn't anyone on this entire planet who is worth killing yourself over. I cannot possibly stress this enough.

You've proven you're a stand-up guy, you've proven you ARE worthy.
Seems to me that she's the one who is not worthy of you.
Please go talk to a professional. She's not worth your life.

I agree. A big fucking red flag. Hiding a relationship is inherently wrong.

3

Thought of ending your life? You are not mentally sound. Please seek professional help. Don't seek help here.

Telling someone they're not "mentally sound" is a slightly insensitive word choice. It's more helpful to use a little more care in how to phrase your thought.

@MST3K
No, when it is serious, you cannot mince words. The first thing he or she should do is seek professional help and stop seeking unprofessional advice. Knowing the urgency and seriousness is the first step.

@St-Sinner I understand what you mean. In any case, I agree that he should seek professioinal help. It can be helpful to get input in forums like this one, but they are not a substitute for the help of trained professionals.

2

get professional help. anyone who puts up with what you're going through isn't firing on all cylinders.

2

Nardi, if you haven't gotten more commitment from her in 3 years, I think she is not as ready as you. That she has kept you hidden from her family is not a good sign. I don't pretend to know her problems or reasons, but you deserve more than that. It is alarming that you would consider ending your life. Please don't do that! Her treatment of you doesn't have anything to do with your self worth or your ability to have a love relationship. You can have that, but not with her. Maybe it would help calm you to have a talk with a clinical psychologist, who could get you to believe in yourself and in your inner power to find love in another relationship. If you try that, you may be happily surprised that someone much more fun and exciting will wish to have a relationship with you. Please believe in yourself, and don't think it is your fault merely because the relationship hasn't worked. We all have heartbreak, which challenges us to heal ourselves. Nardi, you can and should ask for help in healing yourself. Professionals have much knowledge about the process of healing emotional trauma, which may help heal you quicker.

4

So sorry you are having such a tough time. Please seek professional help immediately. Sometimes things seem so dark and confusing...it immobilizes us. A therapist can help you unravel these thoughts and feelings. You don't have to go through this alone.

4

Please seek help immediately. If you are thinking of ending your life you must get help. This has nothing to do with your relationship.

3

I'll share something with you that was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. Suggest couples counseling and see how she reacts. My at-the-time wife exploded at me when I suggested it, one of her primary reasons being that she didn't want to bring some stranger into our marriage. I never bought that for a second.

bingst Level 8 June 28, 2019
1

Be patient. I fell in love with my wife when I lived a long distance away and couldn't see her regularly. It took us 4 years before we could be together.

7

Therapy. If she refuses to go - you go for at least yourself.

Hammering it out with someone impartial will help you.
And it sounds like you need the support right now.

Here are the crisis helplines in your area. They can help you find someone to see.

[en.wikipedia.org]
999 and 112 is the national emergency number in the United Kingdom
111, Option 2, is the National Health Services' First Response Service for mental health crises and support. This is not available in all areas of the country yet.
Samaritans [samaritans.org] is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United Kingdom.[29] They provide a 24/7, toll-free crisis line, as well as local branches.
Samaritans Helpline can be reached at 116 123.
Samaritans' previous hotline number, 08457 90 90 90, is no longer in use. Calling this line may result in charges for call forwarding.
Campaign Against Living Miserably [thecalmzone.net] is a registered charity[30] based in England. It was launched in March 2006 as a campaign aimed at bringing the suicide rate down among men aged 15–35.[31] It has a limited-hour phone and webchat options.
CALM (Nationwide) can be reached at 0800 58 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
CALM (London) can be reached at 0808 802 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
CALM webchat can be found at [thecalmzone.net] (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
Shout (https://www.giveusashout.org/) is the UK's first free 24/7 text service for anyone in crisis anytime, anywhere. It is a place to go for those struggling to cope and in need of immediate help. Shout exists in the US as 'Crisis Text Line', but this is the first time the tried and tested technology has come to the UK.
Get Help Text 85258

3

Sounds like she's playing you; keeping secrets, only a few hours at a time -- she's married. I don't think it's her kids blessing she needs, I think it's her husband's and he's probably not gonna give it.

Even if she's not married you're still getting played in some way.

5

So sad you are suffering for a toxic and a selfish love. Put your peace and emotional health first. Save your time, energy and love for someone who really wants to be with you.

4

If you are considering doing yourself harm over a relationship, then she is not the only person not ready for marriage. Get the hell out, and if you think you need someone else to confirm your self worth, then you definitely need some help from a professional. Otherwise, you will be stepping into one huge pile of shit that will end in divorce, and an even worse situation. Stop believing what you want to believe, that is for christians to do.

THHA Level 7 June 28, 2019
4

My last boyfriend was like that. His favorite statement was "We know what we are with each other".

I would suggest two things: 1) therapy so you can determine why you feel that death is better than being with her, and 2) leave her ass before she causes any more self-destruct tendencies.

It's very obvious that she's not into you and is stringing you on for her own entertainment. You deserve something better.

2

Seek medical help immediately

2

Is this the same girl you said was in love with one of her dying older patients a while back, but she denied it all the time? I don't remember everything from the story, but it was red flags galore with this woman from what I remember. If you end anything, you need to end the relationship and start clean, not your life. According to you, she has been doing this for a while to you. At least seek therapy before you do anything else.

5

Clearly, there is more complication going on (not sure what "it's so difficult to actually be with her due to her children" means. Perhaps you could elaborate on that. But I have to agree with what many other commenters have said here about her stringing you along. This may be the reality of it. I can relate a bit to your situation, but there were significant differences in mine (which I would be happy to share privately). I have read some of your comments on other posts and I perceive that you are a very sensitive person. From your post here, I think you have gone out of your way to accommodate this woman. I think that is unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with a fair amount of compromise in a relationship, but what you have going on is unhealthy for you. I know it hurts, but I agree with others that you deserve someone who values you as much as you value them. If you are seriously considering self-harm, then please seek counseling. But I think the best self-therapy you can do here is to cut the cord with this person and step back and adjust your perspective. Try to see it for what it is. When you realize she may have been using you, stringing you along, your pain will become anger.

Take care, my friend. You have been around this site long enough to know there are people here who are great listeners and are here to help.

4

This is toxic. You deserve better.

3

Don't be stupid, no man or woman is worth a life. LIsten to Cher's advice "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

I swear I did not see your response until after I wrote mine. 😂

@Anonbene a likely story, ha ha ha!!!

6
  1. don't end your life
    2 no seriously, 1-800-273-8255
  2. we've all been there, just please don't end your life 1-800-273-8255

The man is in UK.

@postmaster thanks, I missed that, good on putting up another number

1

Please feel the difficulties of her, which may not be fraudulant.

2

Talk to someone. Samaritans, call 116 123.

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