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Disclaimer: the following is based on several years of personal experience with online dating and are my opinions and observations only. Don't get butt-hurt because you disagree with them. šŸ™„

I have been doing the online dating thing for almost three years. I have come to the conclusion that it is an absolute exercise in futility at my age and especially my body type.

The absolute worst thing (IME) that a woman can be it seems, is curvy. Ok fat. Heaven forbid a woman should actually look like a woman is supposed to. šŸ™„ The next thing a woman can never be is intelligent, articulate and well-spoken, or sexually open, especially not more than a man and most particularly within my age bracket. That is grounds for immediate dismissal and judgement. Also not wishing to co-habitate or be financially controlled by a man, seem to be red flags. If, as a woman of my age, you enjoy "manly" pursuits such as sports, 4x4ing, ziplining, kayaking, fishing, and mechanics, well that seems to be taboo as well. And if you are not a jealous person and WANT your man to spend time with his friends so that he comes home to you happy, that is an issue as well?? Not wanting to be suffocated, desiring a partner to walk through life, share life's experiences and make memories with, seems to be a problem as well. Or perhaps is just a combination of all of the above? Oh and let's not forget the purple hair. For some reason how I choose to wear my hair to please MYSELF and NO ONE else, is an issue for men my age. I have zero issues attracting 30 year olds. šŸ™„

For men, it seems that the worst thing for them is to be short. Which is ridiculous because they have ZERO control over that. Sadly most men think it's about their hair and take great pains to keep what little of it they have left. This is a massive turn off for most women. Embrace the baldness for the love of Pete! Other than that, again IME, men seem to be able to re-partner after a split on average, in about 6 months.

The biggest problem is really that online dating is 100% superficial. Based entirely upon a 1 second view of a picture on a screen. If you manage to make it past that and a conversation ensues, then there always seems to be confusion with intent in the written word or the sharing of pictures, and ghosting ensues. Ghosting, IMO, is the cruelest and most ignorant thing anyone can do to the other person, and shows a lack of integrity that to me is abhorrent. If you do this, or have ever done it, grow up! Unless someone is being a stalker, and even then, have the decency to tell them straight up you are not interested, before you block them and call the authorities!

So in the end, I do really think meeting a compatible, life partner online is about as likely as getting struck by lightening.

Thoughts?

kodimerlyn 6 July 3
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10

I quit dating roughly 7 years ago.
I'm fine with living alone.
I don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit, and no one has to put up with mine.

It's a win/win.

7

I took a break from dating in January. Just turned Bumble, and only Bumble back on last month. Deactivated my account yesterday. Too hard on my ego. From now on Iā€™m just going to crash my cart into cute men at the grocery store

@kodimerlyn weā€™d probably get arrested! Lol, let me know when youā€™re available! šŸ›’

Trying to read this entire thread. I love your sense of humor. I've not tried the crashing into a grocery cart yet but I have tried hanging out in the tool aisle of home depot and looking confused.

@AmelieMatisse thatā€™s genius!!! Plus I really am clueless about tools šŸ§°

@Marcie1974 it may be genius but so far it hasn't worked. LOL

6

Your post reminds me of this scene.

My two cents on this subject is that there are a lot of neurotic, immature, and insecure people out there in the dating pool. The ones that mature and learn how to love and take proper care of themselves completely, usually get quickly taken off of the market. Everyone else are what you have been encountering. Those people in this latter group are usually attracted to the types of people that are not good matches for their long term happiness. Due to their issues listed above, they will look right past you the quality person, towards their next dating mistake. Giving up hope, while completely understandable, will not increase your chances of finding happiness. Pursuing ways to improve your own sense self worth will.

5

Dating at our age is hard. Online dating can make you crazy. There are organized crime syndicates in Nigeria and Russia that target women in developed countries. Their targets are women over 50 who are widowed or divorced, overweight and especially if disabled. I am all of those.
80% of the guys who contact me are scammers. Another 15% just want a fwb or nsa. I have gotten pretty good at spotting them and have developed a set of rules to help me spot them.
My husband left 3 years ago and I would love to find a partner. For a while I was really frustrated, but I finally realized that I would rather be alone than be in another abusive relationship.
If the right guy is out there that would be wonderful. In the meantime I am building a life and Lear to be ok alone.

4

I gave up online dating years ago. I am on here and open to meeting someone local for a conversation or get to know you thing, but that hasn't happened either. That is certainly not my primary reason for spending time on this website. Not sure where you got the 6 month repartneer statistic for men, but I have been single for 12 to 13 years and without an intimate date for at least 3. Had dinner once, but that was last year sometime and there was not a second. I have my own home, retired, motorcycle rider, not into adventure sports, running or mountain climbing. Not wealthy, but pay all my bills and have little debt. And yet here I am, my dog my only companion. I have of course gotten used to the idea that my life will finish out like this and to tell the truth, at this point I am not sure I could deal the the drama and issues connected to having someone else in my life. The door is open, but the welcome mat dusty! Online dating only produced false hope and shattered expectations. I find this true even for those who actually get dates online (I do have many female friends who seem to have no problems getting dates with men who, like you, don't live up to the hype). When I see some of the scumbags these friends go out with, it makes me wonder "how bad am I?" But then I have no problems with my own self image and the women in my life seem to have no problem having me as a platonic friend. Not sure why, but I have in my later life learned to accept what life throws my way.

4

I have been online and on various dating sites for over 25 years. I am NOT looking for a life partner and am here for friends only and to see what can happen within that friendship and nothing more. I have met many women online and have made friends with several through the years and we have enjoyed what we could share together within that friendship. I ask for nothing more and I expect nothing more. My experience on dating sites has been good for me and I believe it has been good for those who have chosen to be friends and enjoy what we can share together within our friendship. Some have been sexual and some have been platonic but all have been a good and enjoyable experience.
Life is brief and unpredictable, embrace it now while you have the privilege and opportunity to do so.
I wish everyone here and on dating sites well and success in finding what they are searching for online and in their lives.

3

I understand your frustration.

As a short man who's often attracted to voluptuous women...it's been a problem for me.

And we men are in love with curvy...and even "voluptuous"...but we fear/loathe "obesity".

I've seen this happen to at least 2 partners.

They go from - as you suggested - curvy to - voluptuous to - dare I say it...fat.

I've kept close to ideal weight...so I have to be honest here....the weight gain is a simple turn-off.

Yet women of the past are always a little more appealing to most men if they are, in fact, slightly overweight.

The catchword is "slightly".

But here's the catch. Obesity is a world-wide disease that's growing rapidly (See the link)

-and it's not your fault.

Doting parents set you up - quite innocently, really, to overeat. Before you could walk and talk; when you were upset food was put in your mouth.

So the challenge is to break habits that are deeply ingrained in us.

The trick is to do two things...

  1. Tolerate hunger...especially at bedtime
  2. Get moving - make sweating a daily habit.

You'll be "struck by lightning" more often if you lose the weight. Good luck.

[slate.com]

@Veteran229
OK....but it's clearly an issue.

We need to encourage an attack on their situation...not an attack on their avoidance of the issues.

Of course they don't want to do selfies...they're embarrassed and frustrated by how they look.

Empathize with the obese; they're suffering with an addiction started before they could walk and talk...and not with bad intention...by well-intended parents who thought "spoiling" a child was impossible...

@Veteran229
I concur...to an extent.

Obesity is a profound addiction to food, as I've said.

But if you're responding to a poster such as this one...

scolding and calling them ignorant doesn't help...emapathy might.

@kodimerlyn you look fine . Ignore the stupid comments.

@Veteran229
You're debating - and you have your POV...I still say the obese and overweight need empathy to foster change....not scolding. You're scolding.
As I said, a few days ago...

"We need to encourage an attack on their situation...not an attack on their avoidance of the issues.

Of course they don't want to do selfies...they're embarrassed and frustrated by how they look.

Empathize with the obese; they're suffering with an addiction started before they could walk and talk...and not with bad intention...by well-intended parents who thought "spoiling" a child was impossible..."

3

Yeah a lot of men just do not seem to have a mirror at home.

Obesity is a complex, and very deep-seeded issue. As I said above; it's the result of a food addiction started before we could walk and talk.

Empathy is useful here...random harsh comments are hurtful.

@kodimerlyn I find it very few bald men sexy. What i refer to is the men who don't look after themselves, who don't brush their teeth, comb or wash their hair, who think it is sexy to walk around in jeans that fall down to their privates, who generally look unkempt. Slobs they are just slobs and then they have the gal to criticise women, because they are a certain age or they are curvy, etc, etc.

2

Just remember:

2

I agree with you right up until ā€œghosting.ā€ Ghosting is when a person you have actually met disappears and stops responding to messages.
A person you havenā€™t met face to face does not owe you any explanation. Ceasing to respond to messages IS saying that they arenā€™t interested.

@kodimerlyn Rude, maybe, but not ghosting. I end up debating this because for me, as a woman, if I decide not to continue a conversation with a man on-line, Iā€™m not going to announce it, because we know the risks of actively rejecting a man. And I figure, if someone stops answering messages, thatā€™s all the message I need. Maybe I said something that put them off. Maybe a long-lost love came back into their life. Maybe they got hit by a bus. One way or another, iā€™m not invested enough in someone I have been chatting with on-line to worry about it.

2

I've been online dating on and off for 20+ years (match.com & okcupid). Sure there have been disappointments but overall it has been more positive than negative. I've had 4 about 2 year long relationships, 1@5 year relationship, and am currently in a relationship that's been going for more than a year. I'm honest about my lack of belief and everything else.

I've been ghosted and dumped, and done the same. Sometimes ghosting is the right choice with someone who takes any communication, even negative and straightforward, and feeds it into delusional thinking, stalking, etc...

One of the tricks is having realistic expectations. I'm overweight and almost bald but I'm smart and financially secure. If I want a hot young woman, I'd have to go with someone who wants me to be an insta-dad, have them move into my house, and pay for everything - not a chance in hell... I prefer to stick with women closer to my own age who are accomplished and educated like me - looks are secondary.

As I get closer to retirement, financial security is very important to me. I need someone who has saved for their own retirement. I haven't lived with anyone for 20 years. It is so much simpler that way.

As I look where people live, the biggest thing is to be somewhere with a large percentage of other Atheists (or similarly minded people). Really, move out of Trump country before you condemn the opposite sex. I wouldn't move to Texas or the bible belt and expect to get the same type of response as I have had living in the SF Bay Area and Seattle.

Good luck.

As a fellow bald man, I agree with everything you have said. Baldness is an issue with lots of women and I appreciate that you admitted that it is, despite all the denials I hear about that from the women on Agnostic. I also totally agree with you about how important it is in online dating to live in an area where you fit with the mainstream of the local culture, whether that is in religion, culture or lifestyle. I am an Agnostic childfree hipster in the middle of Iowa, even if it's a large metro area of several hundred thousand. The fact is that most of the single hipsters in my area are much younger makes it hard to get much response from women my age in my area on dating sites. Hipster, to me, means intellectual, non-conforming to the mainstream, and hip in their tastes for entertainment and their lifestyle. Anything but country-music loving and into spending most of their time with family or watching college sports most of the time for entertainment and socializing.

My odds of finding a partner here thru online dating are very long, but I am not going to move away somewhere better to improve them, because I really need the support of my local friends to get by and I am not going to leave them behind in some blind hope that I can make new ones and find a partner in a new town, both in short order...

2

Yes, the odds are low but you have to continue plugging along, now knowing what you know. No expectations, expect the worst. But I can tell you from experience of doing it 5 times longer than youve been doing it, that it can happen and when it happens, as you know, the feeling of meeting that someone can't be duplicated. So, go with the Gretzky saying of "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" but more importantly...you can't win if you don't play!

lerlo Level 8 July 3, 2019
2

Well I was in a conversation with you, I'm 66 and hardly a 30-year-old, and you ghosted me, just stopped writing back,, so I don't know what you're talking about!
I happen to think you're nice-looking, your body type is a non-issue, I was being nice and polite, and you disappeared. But the way you tell it, men are the ones letting YOU down.
It's not just you, women routinely seem to think it's okay to blow a guy off, but if a guy blows THEM off, they're insensitive brutes.
Maybe that's harsh...sorry, but I have been misused by women far more than the other way around. Don't get me wrong, I've had great relationships with great women too, so I'm not singing the blues here, but c'mon!
Dating sites are usually cruel places. I've never thought of this as a "dating site;" I just enjoy talking to women about all kinds of things, to get their perspective, etc., and if anything ever came of it, great, if not, okay too. But AS a dating "forum " this is by far the best I've ever come across, because you're guaranteed you're talking to a "like-minded person," and it's more than about jobs, station in life, money, the right resume, etc.
Anyway, good luck finding your guy.

@Storm1752 You're 66? Never would have guessed that...

@kodimerlyn I think distance is a big factor...most older people are not prepared to move away from family and friends...and even a short, 1-2 hour drive can be difficult to pull off...I totally understand that...

@kodimerlyn My point was, thou protestest too much. Don't give me that 'public forum' b.s., if hou can blow somebody off so can someone else. Hey, happens all the time; I could care less, but FYI I hate "dating sites" and if I considered this one I wouldn't be here. I was just being conversational and inquisitive, not flirty. I like talking with women because they have a feminine point of view...men to me are too predictable.

2

Iā€™m right there with you!! Also a curvy woman who is sexual, apparently that makes me only hookup material.

I would say thereā€™s one thing worse than ghosting. The guys who will converse with me for a bit and when I specifically ask if they saw that Iā€™m atheist and curvy (because letā€™s face it, most guys wonā€™t bother reading the 3 sentences I had on my profile) and they reply they arenā€™t attracted to overweight women. No offense. Really asshole? Iā€™d rather just have them ghost me, or lie and say something else (distance, etc) changed their mind. Why deliberately say that?

And why on Earth would they want to just hook up when with a little effort they could have sex more than once? What a concept!

@Remi right? For me if someone is good in bed, I want more!! Not to move onto the next guy

I'm not curvy and I've actually had guys ask me if I've ever considered a boob job. Geeze that is rude. But I now have an answer. I say, "well I could get a boob job and have bigger breasts but then you would still have a small penis so why should I bother". I have no desire to look like someone's trophy

@AmelieMatisse why do men think itā€™s ok to say shit like that? Iā€™ve told to grow my hair longer, cut it shorter, color it, lose weight, gain weight....etc. Iā€™d never tell someone to change!

2

I absolutely hate HATE online dating... Iā€™m 35 and have been single for most of my adult life. I feel the right person for me will find his way into my life when the time is right.

What the hell is wrong with guys in Texas?! You're as cute as a button!

@MrBeelzeebubbles thank you ā˜ŗļø

@sandrarocks83 the simple truth, ma'am. (Tips hat in the lady's direction)

@MrBeelzeebubbles I need to get out of Texas

1

Im 39 and starting to agree also

1

Agree completely!

1

Ok, ready to give a more thorough reply, altho the others here have said some of what I would have. BTW, wise move to have added a full body shot to your photos as one of the women suggested. Body type first. Yes, most men do want a woman with some curves, as long as they are not more than moderately overweight. Same way women want men with muscles and a six pack, goes both ways and is fairly true even at my age. As far as the rest of your list of turnoffs like being intelligent, articulate, sexually open, etc., I don't concur at all with that, based on my experience and the men I know. Not wishing to live together or be financially controlled (do you mean rather financially dependent?), also don't think that applies to most men either on the financial issue. Not wanting to live together probably would be a turn off to most men, but is more common than you think for our age. Last woman I met from online said she felt like you on that and I am not eager to live with anyone soon either even if we clicked and dated for a couple years.Same with women enjoying "manly" stuff like your list of outdoor activities, at least in my area. Those activities are commonly listed by the women's profiles I see on Match and they say they are seeking only men who enjoy lots of those same outdoor activities. I have to believe that most of them are getting lots of interest from men in my area, all other things being equal about these women.

As far as wanting women who are strong, independent and not jealous of a man spending time with his male friends while the woman spends time with her gal pals, that describes my one, happy marriage to a T, as well as the male friends I have that are all married. The baldness issue, I covered below, except to say that I don't try to hide mine. I am tall, but even with that I get very little interest from online dating, probably because of my baldness, build, and how I dress, I don't look that impressive in my pics. I totally agree with you about how superficial online dating is and how much the profile pics determine a huge amount of how much interest you get from other people, at least to start with, on dating sites like Match. It goes both ways tho, in my experience, and women can be just as shallow about it as men when it comes to screening completely on looks without giving any real thought to whether the rest of someone's profile info is interesting and compatible with them. What is my evidence for that? The fact that in almost two years of online dating, only about half of the women I message even bother to look at my profile after I've asked them to. Why don't they? Because after seeing my main profile pic that accompanies my message, they decide, based on that pic, that I don't meet their standards for looks, so they don't go on to view my profile.
As for ghosting, it happens to all of us and I have grown callous enough on that issue to not be upset about it anymore. It also hasn't happened much to me anyway.

@kodimerlyn Thank you for encouraging Tom to have a better "look"....I've suggested this to him a few times.

I also encourage you to change your life.

I outlined the basics before;

"The trick is to do two things...
Tolerate hunger...especially at bedtime
Get moving - make sweating a daily habit."

As you pointed out...it's late in life for you...and many of your habits borne in childhood have become diseases. Your "outlook" on life is set.

But like Tom changing his glasses and posture; you can change your "outlook".

Find a coach. Join a fitness for seniors group. Make it fun...but get off the couch and do something...

...or accept your fate, die too soon, too young.

1

You have said so much I will need to read this again a time or two before giving a longer comment, but one thing I will say now is that not all men are able to re-partner in 6 months. I've been trying online dating for 21 months and am still back at square one. Haven't met anyone I saw more than 3 times. Maybe your sample of guys that re-partner that quick as you say are all way better looking than me and/or way more mainstream for their local area in culture and lifestyle, which I most certainly am not for my area.

1

Yeah and what is up with the men partnering up again so soon. It happens a lot. I don't get it. Further proof that it is a mans world!! šŸ¤¬šŸ¤¬ Not that I'm bitter or anything........

Sure isn't a man's world in my experience.....

For me, if it was over, the best way to get past it was to start dating. It always worked. Why sit around and do what, ponder the past? It has nothing to do with being a man's world. Nothing stops women from doing the same thing except themselves.

They do that because they are afraid of being alone and also there are far too many women who do not have any confidence at all. Such a pity.

@kodimerlyn Men and women do think very differently. I have never met a man who doesn't know this, but there are women on this site who believe the differences are mostly socially driven. I believe men need women more than women need men. This may be another reason men are much quicker about getting back out there. Like you much of my thoughts are based on my experiences and observations. There of course have been plenty of studies about the differences in men and womens thought processes.

@kodimerlyn And vice versa. šŸ™‚

@kodimerlyn Way more pressure to succeed. Men are judged more by what they do and what they have. Divorced men with children seldom get equal custody of children and many feel the pressure to be perfect when they see their kids and have to put up with the fact another man is having more influence than they do. Those are two.

@kodimerlyn I worried my whole life that I would be able to adequately provide for my family. For their shelter, their food, their college. It felt immense to me.

@Bigwavedave Yes, that is so ingrained in men, that they should be "the provided", puts so much pressure on men. I guess there is a reason when they do get married and the wife earns more, must do something to their feeling of masculinity too. Unfortunately some women think that men are responsible for the providing too.

@TomMcGiverin, @Sticks48, @kodimerlyn Exactly.

@TomMcGiverin, @kodimerlyn, @Sticks48 Whilst I acknowledge the difference between men and women, I most certainly think that a great deal of how women think, act and behave, is due to social conditioning. Absafrickinlutely! And the same can be said for men. And most especially in older folk. I would have given an arm and a leg (when growing up) to be able to do half of the things that men were socially allowed to do, as opposed to what females were socially allowed to do.

@patchoullijulie I remember those days too. It definitely has changed for women. One even would be President right now if it weren't for a sorry system for choosing one. About the only thing I see women not able do is control their own decisions concerning their reproductive health and the equal pay issue. I still find it hard to believe these are issues. I know as many women here who own their own businesses or manage businesses as I do men. Things are definitely changing for women. Men are still judged by what they make or what they do. I don't believe that will ever change, and men are still considered 2nd class parents by the court system. That is not going to change either. Such is life.

1

Online dating was easier back in the day. I met a nice amount of women in my 20s and early 30s. The field is saturated now. There are so many different variables and situations about online dating including age, status, number of people, fakes, and on and on and on. Someone could, and probably has, written a long book on it lol

The internet makes it easier to be cruel and rude to people too, or dismissive. The internet has kind of dehumanized and hardened our species in my opinion. Especially younger adults now. It's like a producer of borderline sociopaths to full blown sociopaths in my opinion.

1

Maybe a little overdone but

bobwjr Level 10 July 3, 2019
1

If you hate it so much, why do you continue to do it? There are dating sites out there specifically for people of a larger body size that may be more successful for you. Or why not get with one of those 30 year olds you mentioned?

GwenC Level 7 July 3, 2019
1

Ha. Great manifesto. Iā€™m a short bald male. Iā€™ve been on the online dating scene for five years and havenā€™t had a single date. I donā€™t attribute that to my height, follical condition or any other physical attributes. Though I can identify with your feelings on that.

On the other hand I donā€™t really see where you are coming from on all the other non-physical turn offs you speak of. I wouldnā€™t though as I have no experience trying to attract. I can only speak for myself and none of those things you listed are red flags for me.

1

I concur with your statements. I feel like an alien in the world. Lol. Online dating has been a joke. I'm single but I refuse to go back. I'm so sick and tired of games.

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