Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline
If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line, and we’ll trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn’t matter which button you press because nobody will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try back later,
And if you have low self esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.