I've screwed up again. I started chatting with a guy on a dating site and he seemed nice. Not creepy,said things that I thought were him trying to be funny. After talking to him for a couple days,I've realised he's just not the sharpest tool in the shed. He repeats the same empty phrases over and over doesn't have any serious interests and to be frank bores the shit out of me. I'm going to have to disconnect and its going to suck because I really don't want to hurt his feelings. He seems genuinely respectful and nice. Why is dating so fricking hard? Aaaaaagh. Nice guys don't have anything to talk about and the fun ones all seem to turn out to be dudes trying to cheat on their spouses.
I have found jerks online and in RL. I do not understand some men either. I had given it up until recently. I have been ask out in RL and I have had some chats.meet for coffee episodes that started on line. They start with the do you think we can hook up. I get up and leave. One followed me clear to my car begging me to go sit in here car with him. I never said a word to this one. When I got home I called my married daughter to ask if hook up meant screw. She said yes. I gave up. It is 20 years since my last RL 4 yr relationship. I thought maybe things changed so I see if that last special man I would spend the rest of my life with is there. So far the answer is no. I am not like some women. I do not need a man to complete me, but I would like a great guy to be with. If is doesn't happen I have all kinds of interest/hobbies I can play with. You will have t let me know how you do.
Update: I called and told him how I felt about the situation. He said he had thought we had a real connection. You never know how it looks from the other side unless you ask, I guess.
You have to consider one actual fact of life: males are not just males; we are “the ever-hopeful male”. Sounds funny, but think about it; it is serious and to be thought about in any relationship, specially at the onset.
When you find the right one, you will be able to tell him “I went through xx number of screw ups just to find you!” It happens to us guys too, finding the right woman is no better roses. At least you can smell a jerk or weirdo right away, but try dealing with drama and the “I deserve the absolute freaking best” attitude!! But, we will keep trying. Don’t take it as a screw up; think of it as one of those dresses you take to the fitting room and just was not what you thought it would be.
Hi Blindbird, Your happiness should come first in a new relationship. You found out that this man is not for you because he is not mentally stimulating. Sometimes you can look for love and can't find it, then out of nowhere you will meet someone that is intellectual, funny, kind, and with similar interests. Good luck finding your match!
Keep trawling . There are lots of lonely boys out there. after age 28 only the quiet ones are left !
Finding a perfect connection is practically impossible. No matter who you find, you will find certain aspects of their personality that irritate you. It's a sad fact of life. It's not your fault if you aren't attracted to the guy. Let him know how you feel, and if he freaks out, then you know you actually dodged a bullet. If he accepts how you feel, then you know that he's at least good friendship material. You just need to keep looking until you find someone that is more compatible. (...And please don't lump in all nice guys in with this bad experience. There are nice guys that can interest you on an intellectual level.)
Nicely said!
I personally don't feel is a screw up...just open up to him about how you feel maybe he might change his approach to how he communicates with you.
Your not wrong, I found it no different from the male perspective... either they want to get Uber serious out of the gate or they are looking for a preconceived perfection that nobody could fit. I’m in the no expectations zone... I’m not here to date, actually I’ve started seeing someone and we will see how it goes... she isn’t the normal hipppie type I usually am attracted to but then in the long run that has not gone that well. I don’t cheat but have been cheated on and I’m weary and wary of it all... going with the flow and doing my best not to be attached to a particular outcome is how I plan to move forward. I’ve finally learned my happiness is my responsibility, if someone else who is already happy wants to be happy together that will be grand. I have nothing in common with the girl I’m seeing and so far that has not been a problem.
You're a treasure.
@Blindbird awww
You've not met yet so why are you so worried ? If he messages don't reply straight away . Let it dwindle if he's on a dating site he will be chatting to others and will have his time taken up by them . Think of it this way if you were in a bar you'd be using the just popping to the loo excuse and not returning to him but also saying hi the next time you passed him in the club
Honestly people get expectations QUICK. Its the worst tging about dating.
@Blindbird that's the real needy ones and they are the ones to avoid anyways lol
@NFAguy53 well that might be part of your problem. Have you tried being less of a stick in the mud?
Not all the fun ones are looking to cheat.some of us just want someone to play around with.in a good way
It could be a robot! There are a number of psychology students doing projects using auto resposes...your description of repetition and emotionless replies makes me very suspicious.
The robots tend to have photos of twenty somethings with large breasts blonde hair and always ask for your credit card details so you can see her on camera
@SimonMorgan1 not on POF, only supposed photos of themselves. That sounds more like a porn site for men...
@AnneWimsey lol it's been a scam on the internet for years and most sites whether Facebook / msn messenger/ chatrooms the lot
As the guy on the other end of these conversations, I don't mind, other than a couple of hours of disappointment. In most cases, if it isn't romantic, I'll still have made a new friend.
The only advice I can give is to be gentle but blunt. Let hime know that you don't see this going anywhere and you think you should disconnect. One thing I've learned about online dating is that a curtious rejection is still better than a cold disconnect. If he's still amenable then you could also point out what he did that turned you off so he could work on that part of his character. If he is actually a "good guy" and not just some deuche with "nice guy syndrome" then he will respect you and thank you for your honesty.
Some of this is caused by a man thinking that you feel exactly like he does. We are all guilty of that. The truth is, nobody feels exactly like you do. True with men and women alike. This is why we have to discuss things and get to know each other. Often we lie about this. We "want" others to feel exactly like we do and often just assume they do by the way we interpret our chat.
I used to think my ex wife felt exactly like I do on many things. It means I kept on believing this nonsense even after we were married a while. If it was true she would not be an ex wife would she?
Imagine a man and woman laying on their backs smoking cigarettes under a starry sky just after they have had sex. One asks the other "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Sorry folks. There just is no way possible that this is real.
Awe. What site/app are you using?
Lol. Meetme actually. You posted something about it and I checked it out.
@Blindbird I have an account, but I have not been on there. My ex found me on there.
Blindbird, no need to chat so long online. Be firm in screening guys about marital status. That's a non-negotiable. And, nice guys have been hurt, too. They need encouragement, not judgement. Two dimentionally, we all look great or suck. It's in the meeting that you find whether the idiosyncracies are non-negotiables or a pass.
And, don't be so hard on yourself...or him. Dating isn't for the faint of heart but I don't think it's what we all make it out to be either. if you're dating with expectations, can you drop those? Dating at its best is about finding a needle in a haystack and that can be exhausting OR you can see it as sharpening your skills, finding out about yourself, interacting with others in a fun, lite OR meaningful way if you let it, one or another needs it.
My one non-negotiable is prejudice: antisemitism and other forms of hate. Otherwise I'm just enjoying being immersed in humanity. Maybe I thrive on variety. And maybe I wouldn't recognize my next partner if they were sitting in front of me because by now I'm enjoying the journey, My journey.
You have a lot to offer the right person. But, along the way, you have a lot to offer the frogs, too.
I keep a copy of my divorce papers in a bag in the car, because I meet too many women who've been burned by that before, especially since I make no secret that I'm still close to my ex... and her fiance.
@NFAguy53 Honestly, while creepy (and I keep other stuff in my bag besides the papers), it wouldn't be that bad an idea. I wish there was more trust out there, but a few bad apples, as they say. But, maybe a photocopy.
@soylentred I have not tried speed dating. I have a sister who talks a New York minute...she could handle speed dating lol. me...not so much. If you try it...I hope you'll post.
Soylent??? My son's fiance's brother bakes soylent...cake, bars. They're actually not bad.