Sorry for your loss. Lost my dad at the start of the pandemic...he had to be one of the first patients because of the pics of his lungs that the docs said they didn't know what THAT was. A couple months later they did.

I basically raised my own damn self. Neither was interested in me or my brother unless it was dispensing criticism and blaming us for everything in their own lives. Life is getting over the grieving of what could have been. I got over that a while back but I've created my own family between my kids and friends.

I will say one thing, my brother and I both decided without talking to each other to NOT follow the example of our parents. I got it somewhat worse than he did in verbal abuse. He was older than I was when we moved to the country and he would escape uptown to his friends and wouldn't come home until dark. A bit dangerous to ride a bicycle in the dark but the parents didn't care.

Mom is religious...hence why I'm not. Her logic on many things just made NO sense. Mom spent her entire life between her job and doing events, etc. at church. She says she has no idea why her kids moved away from her and don't bother coming around. I know she's lonely but it's not my job to fix that for her. I've told her why we left and won't go back. She chooses not to believe me.

Sorry that you're having to do all that work. I've prepared my kids....I've got everything in writing, prepaid expenses for my disposal, my daughter has a signed and notarized copy and everything is in my computer of which she has the password and a file with her name on it with everything she needs. She's a lawyer, so she's prepared.

I have read so many stories of toxic relations with one's parents on this site. What is wrong with people who have no parenting skills, reproducing & damaging a child's life. Mental illness was a problem long before Reagan cut federal help to them. Current mass casualties a result? You are not alone in your pain & that is what forgiveness is for. I can forgive my disturbed parents but they can not be in my life period. After decades of no contact, my aunt informed me of their passing. I am relieved they cannot hurt anyone ever again. Hugs.

Condolences on your loss.

I had a similar experience. My own father passed away in January, aged 98, unhappy and willfully lonely. A few years ago I encountered a mature student working on a PhD on Childhood Emotional Neglect, and collaborated with her as I had learned a name for my own upbringing. My youngest brother helped our father for many years as he was local, but when my brother died it fell to me to do what I could and I did what I felt was my duty, not out of any affection. In his last couple of years I gave him far more emotional support than he had ever offered me as a child. This still weighs on me as I'm the only executor and his estate was not well-organized.

There is a lot more to our family story, not least the secrets my father unburdened on me in his last two years. I am still weighing up the pros and cons of publishing this story, although it would wait until the few remaining close family of that generation are gone.

I have two female friends who hate babies. Loathe would be a better word. Once their nieces and nephews got to the age they could talk and be rational they formed great relationships with them.
Maybe he could never forget the baby stage.

I am sorry for your loss in all of its different forms.

Taking photos is not weird. I have photos of my father just before he died the most touching one is of him holding my younger brother's hand as we both sat beside his bed. (I had a much different relationship with my father)

I believe in normalising death in being present and acknowledging it.
I sat with my father at my mother's side and promised him I would do the same for him. My older brother who did not on both occasions regrets not doing so.

I think the point to life is the DASH. I heard this at a friend's funeral and it struck home deeply.

The Dash Poem (By Linda Ellis)
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
From the beginning...to the end

He noted that first came the date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
Know what that little line is worth

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering this special dash
Might only last a little while

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent YOUR dash

What point would there be….
I don’t believe life has a point?!

My dad was finished with me before I hit kindergarten. He preferred my younger brother.

Thank you for sharing; and most sorry for you loss. I was also in the hospital room when my father died a year an a half ago. I can't wrap my head around any rational person (your father) not liking you as you appear by your actions to be a good person. I can relate to the thinking about something to share followed with, oh yea, he's gone.

Your closing point - - "I sure hope there was a point to all of this." - - I would interject you, and your contributions to those your have interacted is a solid and profound outcome (point). For example; Reading your story has ever so slightly changed the way I think and understand your, and similar relationships. It is likely my internalization of your story will change, (hopefully increased understanding and empathy) the way I interact with others (I am a teacher who works with many students) thus potentially changing their lives for the better so they can care and promote empathy and good to others. So through you, your father's legacy continues after his passing possibly creating positive outcomes for generations not tethered to our own.

I hope you like this song.

Our feelings about lost parents work out over time, whether functional or dysfunctional. It's been more than 40 years since I lost my dad, and while there has never been a time I wanted to share anything with him, I do think of the activities and places he loved often, since I live in the very place he loved so much and walk the same beaches and hike the same trails, etc. Today I went to a special place he liked and spent some quiet time reflecting.

I think we take what our parents give us, and tweak it until it fits our personalities and then share any bits of wisdom or lessons learned with others through our conversations and actions. Over time, rough edges and disagreements get worn down until they are soft in our memories.

In our family , Dad was the primary supporter and raising the kids was up to Mom . My brother was only a year and a half younger so I wound up with a lot of freedom to wonder around on my own early on , although my brother began wondering around on his own at an early age as well . I think things were a lot different then . Mom had a lot of hard work to do as a house wife - no dish washing machines , ice had to be loaded into the ice box , the cloths washing machine had a set of rollers for wringing out the clothes which then had be hung on the line to dry before being ironed`. Everything required a lot more work . If you watched the original , "Our Gang ," films , that was closer to how I grew up

My condolences on the passing of your father last year.

I believe there are many people in our age group with these issues of having had bad parenting or at least insufficient parenting. My experience with both my parents was much like you describe in your post. My father was marginally better than my mother, but none of it was a pleasant experience for me.

I too tried mightily to have a relationship with my father, but he was either not interested, or didn’t know how to respond to me.

I finally realized that the best way to deal with difficult and painful emotions is to stop trying to fix them and just let myself feel them, something that is harder than one thinks. When I let myself actually feel my emotions, it felt like I had come to terms with what was never there between my father and I and those emotions then past from me. I wish you much healing for your heart.

So many people should not be parents, including mine. Your experience is not that uncommon. For years I tried to make my mother show that she loved me but to no avail. Now I understand that she did but just had no idea how to show it. She was a product of her own upbringing and the culture she came from. Believe that your parents loved you just were not able to love and show you in the way you wanted them to. Take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone there are a lot of us that have had the same kind of upbringing unfortunately.

Don't be hard on yourself. I know it's not easy. The distant relationship between your Dad and yourself wasn't your doing and you had no control over that. You showed your human side until his dying end. You were there for him and I'm sure he wished things were different knowing you still cared. You were there out of choice even though the distant circumstances. He realised that at the end. My older son said to me on more than one occasion. Mom, you can't wish for what isn't. I know it hurts but It's not your doing. Be kind to yourself.
Be you and be happy

A story I am also somewhat sadly familiar with. It was not your fault , or responsibility. Try not to burden yourself, though it is easier said than done. Just be the best person you can to those around you who matter now.

The term "unrequited love" has many meanings.

There are many points to this. I did not know your father so anything I say would be speculation, but read your post and see many.

Please be gentle with yourself.
You're doing the best you can.
You are the only one who can decide whatever the "point" is or isn't.
Or if there really even needs to be one.