Cthulhu for President
The Dark Lord, Cthulhu promises to usher in 10,000 years of darkness, which is great for naps. He promises to end all human governments of the world, and to bring in a new government that is ruled by Him.

One look at his dread visage, and America's enemies will be reduced to incoherent, babbling wrecks. Of course, so will America's allies… And all Americans… You know what… Everyone will be babbling wrecks. Babbling wrecks for days.

ISIS and all terrorist groups will be destroyed by His supreme might. This, unfortunately will mean the destruction of all humans, as destroying ISIS will be accomplished by destroying all of reality. But hey, sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the greater good, right?

Unlike most politicians, Cthulhu will tell you no lies. He does not need to lie to get elected, since whether He wins the election or not, he will become president of these United States, and consumer of Mexico… Of course, He will also become supreme overlord of the Universe. What reason has He to lie, then?

Your vote is always your own, and He will never force you to vote for Him. However, those who vote for him, their souls will be promised an eternal place in His underwater home of R'lyeh. Their bodies will be eaten, but will no longer matter because their souls will have found eternal paradise.

Those who do not vote for the Dark Lord, Cthulhu will be devoured body and soul, and their soul will reside forever in the Dark Lord, Cthulhu's bowels. Their body will not be so lucky.

It will be processed like any other food and disposed of in the same manner. The Dark Lord, Cthulhu doesn't need to eat. However, He likes to dine on human flesh on occasion… Tasty, tender human flesh.

Now, you may say that this is coercive advertising, and you would be right, my friend. However, the Dark Lord Cthulhu doesn't care. He is the ultimate evil, after all, and whether you like Him or not, He is going to kill you either way.

Vote Cthulhu/Dagon. Why choose the lesser of two evils?