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I’m dating someone and am jealous of his female best friend for a few small paranoid reasons. He says they are just friends. How do I stop this annoying feeling? I’m going to push him away if I keep bugging him with my questions about their relationship. My mind still feels jealous. Help?

By anonymous7
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14 comments

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0

First, you should always feel free to ask questions. Second, we all possess intuition. Third, if you are addressing your feelings of insecurity, he should be willing to help you work through them. If he gets defensive, that's not a good sign. That's my opinion, anyhow.

Does he ever include you with his time spent with these friends?

1

Have a threesome!

zesty Level 7 Sep 15, 2018
1

Ask him! Preferably when you are on top!

zesty Level 7 Sep 10, 2018
1

My advice would be to be open and honest about this. If it's something you are working on sincerely and you care about him, let him know. Be candid. Share how it feels and most importantly, share that you're working on it and you would like his support. If done sincerely without malice, he will be supportive. If you say nothing of it and try to bottle it up, it can become way more toxic and eventually explosive. If you want it to last, it's not a bad idea to share some of your faults as well as your strengths.

Olnoseven Level 7 Sep 8, 2018
1

I know exactly where you are coming from and it's bloody hard work. You probably want him to be as devoted to you as you are to him yet he isn't. He most likely flirts with this other person and thinks it's ok to tell you all about his fantastic times with her. I can't deny it stinks and it isn't accommodating your feelings at all. What I did was wait for a chance to introduce myself to the best friend in a positive way and that really helped me not feel so insecure. Then afterwards I thought if my partner is going to cheat theres nothing I can do about it. All I can do is prepare myself to move on as undamaged as possible. There are people who will devote to your satisfaction out there because they will consider your feelings. Like me ♥ My woman will always feel like the center of my universe,

Nardi Level 7 Sep 5, 2018
1

Random thought from a book by Robert Wright, an evolutionary psychologist and consistently ranked one of the world's top thinkers...women evolved to feel more jealousy if their mate has significant emotional intimacy w others v men having more jealousy if there's much physical affection with others.

Might mean nothing, but a potential mate and their friends' maturity would play a big role in how concerned I might be.

0

You are dating someone....end of the story. Why bring any complications?

IamNobody Level 8 Sep 5, 2018
5

You can have insecurities without sharing them and questions without asking them. Invite her for dinner with you and your boyfriend and observe whether he is as physically close to her as you. Do they pull you into the conversation or exclude you? When you reach out to find common ground with her, is she responsive to you or only focussed on him?

UUNJ Level 8 Sep 5, 2018

@Heart_Truth Suppose you said to him, “You speak so highly of her, I’d like to meet her. How about a video conference call?” You could agree to all be eating or having a drink in your respective homes.

5

I think getting to know her and develop a friendship. You have common intetest. Jealousy is of no value but encouraged to pit women against each other. And to compete with each other. Since the beginning of time.

EvaV Level 7 Sep 5, 2018

@Heart_Truth online relationships are challenging. It is a new type of intimacy or is that real? You have me thinking about them. What defines it can be the level of trust and compatibility with handling an online relationship. Or am aI full of shit?

6

Jealousy is fear. What are you afraid of?

brainyactress Level 7 Sep 5, 2018

@Heart_Truth Yes, you can. And, yes it can. Self esteem is a therapist’s stock in trade. But, what are you afraid of? That he’ll leave you for her?

2

What does your heart feel? Or your gut? Sometimes our intuition is better trusted when our mind is stuck in some rut. But if your intuition is the source of your doubts about him, you may be picking up on subtle clues. Bottom line: trust your gut.

Justjoni Level 7 Sep 5, 2018

@Heart_Truth In this case, I would agree with brainyactress and Jonado that your issue sounds more like insecurity and low self esteem

2

If they've really never had an intimate relationship, then just tell yourself to stop. You're really the only one that can. Try being her friend, and maybe she'll become your best friend too. If you're serious about this guy, you don't really have much choice, so try get to know and love her. She's known him longer than you, so remind yourself of that when she knows him better than you. It's only a contest if you make it one.
Now, if they ever had a brief whatever, but it was a long time ago, and they're not like that anymore kind of thing, that's a different story. In that case, run.

Tecolote Level 7 Sep 5, 2018

@Heart_Truth Hmm...."Should we have sex - no, let's just be friends" is usually not a two person decision. It's more like one person wants to give it a try, and the other thinks it's a bad idea. Don't know which one of them is which. Your suspicions may have some ground then. If they had been besties for years without acting on that would be one thing, but it sounds like it's still too ambiguous and too soon to see what is happening between them. Don't dive in head first yet.

@Heart_Truth I have one ex I really wish we'd just remained friends and another friend we've both chatted about FWB or a relationship but have kept it platonic for about 6 years.

At one point we both acknowledged if we lived closer for any time and both of us were single, we should try dating.

I'm not sure I agree deciding to be friends is usually one way, people can acknowledge an attraction but also acknowledge they're not in a good place or the dynamic is wrong.

BTW, the friendship that ended after dating is the only jealous woman I've dated. Her jealousy wasn't a major issue w the breakup, but I think her root issues for being jealous contributed.

That may not make sense, but if someone is consistently jealous (or if there's any consistent emotions) there are reasons they keep having those feelings.

@educatedredneck So you have been on both sides you have had a friend you wanted to date you dated them and then it didn’t work out and your friendship ended. You have had a friend you wanted to date but you didn’t and now you’re still friends but you still want to date someday possibly? That just makes me feel more paranoid! That’s what I fear that they will decide they want to give it a try. I fear that the timing was wrong with them before or the distance was wrong with them before but something might change and they might want to try it.

@Heart_Truth If he decides to date his friend while dating you, he's obviously not the kind of guy you'd want to be tied. to. I'd answer that major character question before getting serious with any romance!

If he's committed to you and seeing if your relationship can work, then that should be his focus for romantic possibilities unless there's ambiguity that you're exclusive?

That's something I always make very very very clear. I always have the initial conversation that we're not exclusive after 2-4 dates, unless we REALY hit it off, and a different a clear conversation if we become exclusive. Recently an acquaintance had a woman assume they were exclusive when they started having sex then she blew up when it came out he was still seeing someone. IMO that's mostly her issue bc it was her assumption and her blow up.

Sure I stupidly ignored red flags w one friend bc I was WOWd by her intellect, reading....Dating my other friend is very nebulous, we make an effort to chat or long email every 2-3 months, have a meal if we happen to be nearby and both enjoy the friendship but we've also both been mature and honest knowing the other is living our lives. There's no sexual tension and in my mind she's just a friend. If we ever happen to live in the same state, it MIGHT develop further but we lived in the same Army barracks for 6 months and were each other's main friend in town wt sexual tension so we could stay friends forever.

I may not be normal, but most of my coworkers have been female. Therefore I have a lot of female professional contacts and friends I maintain. Any woman who dates me needs to be ok with that. My ex-wife is a coach, I knew when I asked her to marry me I'd be driving college hotties in bikinis around all the time and trust would be essential, jealousy and infidelity were never issues in my marriage.

Again, I'd settle if he's the kind of person who would break his own integrity and allow feelings or romance to grow when he has other commitments regardless of this female friend. Live your own life as you see fit, personally I won't date someone if there's a question about their integrity.

3

Being super rational helps me.

What helps you?

If nothing else the fact he's choosing to be in a romantic relationship with you, not her says a lot?

@Heart_Truth hey, at least you're aware of the secret crazy voice! TBH, jealousy isn't something I've ever dealt with, but I have lots of other faults

How can you quiet the voice or head it off?

I have female friends I used to date, others I've just known for years...heck, I dog sat at my ex-wife's house w a girlfriend for several nights.

An ability to have friends of the opposite sex seems like a good thing for me, I know they don't have to sexualize everyone they see.

@Heart_Truth if it seems like there's strong intimacy and daily connections it could be a problem, I'm fairly close with my female friends but everyone knows a romantic relationship tops those connections.

I wouldn't tolerate incessant accusations. I'm also very open about my friendships and like the endless talk.

Talking calmly and wt jealously about potential infidelity seems like a good way to head that off, especially if people are honest about possible growing feelings, intimacy and attraction.

@Heart_Truth tbh if any friend or GF asks me to stop hanging w Nother friend, I'm ditching the first person. Just uncool in my book.

A romantic relationship will overall take precedence over pretty much all other relationships, even children over time but that doesn't mean a GF can dictate anything.

It's possible to have mature discussions, although IME few are that mature.

There's a big difference between talking about someone's feelings w others v an accusation

Ideally everyone would be self aware and mature enough to recognize if a relationship gets to be problematic for other relationships in some way.

It would also be ideal for both people in a relationship to be secure enough to discuss attraction to other people responsibly. For example if the LTR has a rough spot (which is pretty much always when infidelity happens) and a coworker is flirty orI start fantasizing about someone else then hopefully she's secure enough to be my accountability v feeling threatened

I've always had the thought if you can steal my gal, they deserve each other. To my knowledge I've never been cheated on

1

be tolerant but keep your eyes open

TheDoubter Level 8 Sep 5, 2018
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