28 12

I recently met someone from this site and I ruined it. I was into him immediately, so much it consumed my thoughts. Hes a really good person and intelligent, mature. I hooked up with him very early. it was my decision and I enjoyed it. But when it came time to hang out again he wanted to do the same. I hesitated....eventually I cancelled out plans telling him that I had made a mistake and initiated sex too soon and just wanted to focus on having a friendship first. Then he ended it telling me he didn't want to go down that road. I know he was into me. I know i fucked it up. I know i wish I could go back and do it differently. I did send him one last email trying to tell him exactly how I felt about him and apologizing for making things weird and being indecisive. Now there's nothing left to do. I don't want to forget about him even though I know I have to. His name and face still ring in my ears. What do I do?

#sex
By anonymous7
Actions Follow Post Like
You must be a member of this group before commenting. Join Group

Post a comment Add Source Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

28 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

14

Consent to sex one time isn’t blanket consent for sex the next time. All of us have the right to say, at any point, no or yes, or let’s-make-out-and-decide-later. You did what was right for you, and he didn’t agree. Good to know early that he wants it his way or no way.
The only thing I would suggest is that you not
refer to it as a mistake. You made a choice that was right at the time, which isn’t a mistake. You have nothing to apologize for.

UUNJ Level 8 Oct 5, 2018
11

If he could not accept that then maybe he was not right for you? Your needs are important as well.

GreatNani Level 8 Oct 5, 2018
9

I don't think you were wrong with your request. I don't think YOU ruined anything. I think he did by not being open and accepting. If I were you, I'd feel bad for him then move on with someone new.

SukiSue Level 8 Oct 5, 2018
7

It sounds like he just wanted to get laid. If he was interested in the whole package he wouldn't have backed out. I know it hurts, but you will survive. This stuff is so tricky, and some men can be very dishonest about what they really want. I'm very sorry this happened to you. At least it happened early on, later could have been worse.

Sticks48 Level 9 Oct 5, 2018
5

Sounds like he's just not that into you tbh. Sorry to be blunt but if he was, he would do whatever it takes to be with you again and not make lame excuses or twist things around on you. Sounds like its his loss and you can do Waaaayyyy better.

Hazydays Level 6 Oct 5, 2018

There you go.

4

He got lucky at your expense. I think you should learn from this experience, put it in your past and move on. This is negativity you don't need to carry with you.

Taladad Level 8 Oct 5, 2018
4

Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Everyone screws things up. However, there is a chance that your subconscious felt something amiss that you don't see; in that case, your subconscious just saved you from a mistake.

EdEarl Level 8 Oct 5, 2018
4

You value that you learned an important lesson and move on more wisely. Letting yourself get carried away in infatuation is not a good start for building a sound intimate relationship. You had a connection, but if he was willing to jump into sex right away, have you considered he may not be what you are looking for in the long term?

Silverwhisper Level 7 Oct 5, 2018
3

The real problem with Internet dating and chatting is the false sense that you know who someone is before you meet them in person. If you chat with a man for a year and you go to meet him in person he is a complete stranger, and should be treated as such. Enjoy it for what it was ,a one-night stand.

Kojaksmom Level 8 Oct 5, 2018
3

It's not your fault. He only wanted sex, he's not for you so don't waste your time. Find someone that will be into you first.

CaroleKay Level 8 Oct 5, 2018
3

Oh man, that sucks. Sounds like you did make it a little weird, but to my mind you didn't do something that would drive a reasonable person away. He didn't want to go down the friendship road? He only wanted a physical relationship? I'm sure there is more to know here, but maybe you dodged a bullet.

IAMGROOT Level 7 Oct 5, 2018
3

Go baby, fuck his brains out! Good for both of you. Usually this works. You can always have romantic feelings later.

zesty Level 7 Oct 5, 2018
2

Time heals all wounds and conversely time also wounds all heels.. it sounds like you are facing up to the fact that you've been a bit of a heel ( not a huge one but just enough to admit a mistake). In my world that counts as progress!!

From reading your profile.. and this is just my take.. you.. and myself as well.. need to just slow down a bit and for a change of pace take the time to smell MY coffee.. plant MY garden.. and decide MY future for what I wish t to be!

Oh.. and . Take care of my two children as best I can. No ifs, ands, buts or choice on that one.

Good luck smile001.gif

Davekp Level 7 Oct 7, 2018
2

Laura - I don't want to sound mean, but I read the first line in your profile and got to wonder what the hell you're thinking! 1 year old, not divorced yet, and you now get all emotional about a guy that you probably have only known shortly. I'm not against you doing what you got to physically and socially to not lose your mind during all this, but perhaps if you can't keep your emotions in check, you need to think about not dating till events settle down for you and the kid.

jondspen Level 7 Oct 5, 2018

@lauraleigh38 If you're that attached to someone in such a short space of time while you're still in a complicated personal situation then maybe you have some issue that needs addressing, I'm not being mean either...I've been there.

2

I don't think you did anything wrong, you were honest and if he can't handle that then he wasnt for you..

hippydog Level 8 Oct 5, 2018
2

Watch the Israeli 2007 movie: Ths Band's visit!

2

He was making love to you you he wanted to make so much more. It has happened to me so all in. Then she went cold and left me so alone. I think you can fix this if you care and want him. Don't break any hearts. Because personally my heart has been shattered beyond all hope.

1

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your request was reasonable and honest. His response was shallow and rude. You did not ruin it.

Sydland Level 7 Oct 9, 2018
1

His loss! There is someone better out there for you. Be patient and work on loving yourself and figuring out what you really want and need. It could take time but enjoy the ride.

mollygirl Level 5 Oct 8, 2018
1

There are dynamics about relationships that are delicate and I've found myself that if they get out of whack, it's difficult if not impossible to repair them. Keep in mind that men's primal drive is to reproduce, that's the end goal in their reptilian brain and if they get there without the building rapport, the emotional and social relational foundation, it's hard to be able to go back to working on that.

It's like if you are a book enthusiast, think about how hard it might be to read a book if you are told the ending, some may be able to, though most won't, but even if you do, I bet you won't get as much enjoyment out of it. It's extremely unfortunate that it works like this...I have the same problem with not following the right approach to women, to build interest in them without expressing my real feelings, women are complicated to get through to and there's a way that you have to go about it and I'm not very good at it and so I often fail at meeting and building relationships with the ones I want to. In fact, all of the women I've dated and had relationships came after me or it was 100% mutual, but this makes it difficult for me since 99% of the time they won't come after you, they're waiting for you, without really giving any clues that I can read or differentiate from simple friendly, but purely platonic cues. So, I only have good opportunities come along every couple of years, where the attraction and interest is mutual anyway, if I didn't have my own standards it would be more frequent, but I like who I like, we all do. Amazing that it's as complicated as it is, especially because so many of the cues that we rely on aren't great indicators of genetic survivability.

At this point, the best thing for you to do is stop initiating contact, anything further from you at this point will push him away. I've been in a position like yours many times as well, wanting to try and repair things but they're not reciprocating; it totally sucks, but it's totally true.

1

Wow! Yea its so tricky I agree! I myself try not to second guess myself and my decisions. Or move too fast. Women are wired different. I think. I can pretty much tell if I really like someone as soon as i meet them. Esp if I've been talking to them a lot. But you never really know about guys. It could be a few months and they jet! Im hoping guys on this site are a bit more legit and straight up with what they want! Please lets save everyone a lot of waisted time and energy! Be honest with your intentions. If you're not sure then say it. If you're only sexually attracted then say it. We are supposed to be adults, most of us seasoned adults too. We aren't getting any younger! Your amazing guy is out there! Keep going!?

Wendiw Level 7 Oct 5, 2018
1

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't go according to plan. This is not unlike any other loss and grief is inevitable. Grieve in your own way and learn from this experience. It's all you really can do. I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Captain747ex Level 7 Oct 5, 2018
1

Men are focused on lust, while women are focused on love. Generally ... There needs to be a balance here. Seems like you had a strong physical attraction to this man. Why not go with it....

Cutiebeauty Level 9 Oct 5, 2018

@lauraleigh38 it's never too late...

@Cutiebeauty she'd be setting the relationship at booty call.If his standard for meeting is sex, that'll remain his to control. He's pretty well told her that by refusing to meet without sex.

1

If you haven't already read them try Wayne Dyers "Your Erogenous Zones" and his "Pulling Your Own Strings".
You may also want to read Dr Berne's " What do you say after hello" but seriously IMO if it's not "Do you want sex now" its not going to last long no matter what you pretend!

FrayedBear Level 9 Oct 5, 2018
1

you moved too soo. solid relationships take time to develop

TheDoubter Level 8 Oct 5, 2018
Write Comment