Another, you had one job

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 21, 2022:

Dyslexic contractor?... Easy fix just get out the forklift....

Only supposed to be 101 today, a fucking cold front

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 21, 2022:

temperature here is only supposed to hit 97 today last few days it was around 101 to 105.... with 5% humidity. Hardly worth turning on the A/C but my cat would kill me if I didn't.

Enough with the questions!!!

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 21, 2022:

...

Always looking for bargains.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 21, 2022:

Local hospital or retirement home might be a good start..... I hear tell the "seasoned" ones have a slightly different flavor...

I never thought of it quite that way, but yeah.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 21, 2022:

Until you piss upstream of the group you are hiking with.....

Give my regards to Broadway!

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 20, 2022:

This is actually more common than you might think... https://www.newsweek.com/tenants-nightmare-landlord-tales-painted-sockets-mold-1609146

AOC Sits In Invisible Police Car Awaiting Transport To Invisible Jail - [babylonbee.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 20, 2022:

Gad what a stupid post.... All we see is Pelosi backing anti-abortion Democrats like Henry Cueller and stupid C.U.N.T.s like you making fun of people who are actually trying to stop the Republicunts from destroying the country....

The Colonel inspected the soldiers in their barracks.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 20, 2022:

The Colonel needs to learn the proper way to horse around.....

Just go with it

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 19, 2022:

The stories in Boathouse Pet magazine get hotter and wetter every issue....

Somewhere in Kansas 10 years later.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 19, 2022:

When the LSD wears off and the rainbow disappears all you have left are the baby daddies and the welfare checks....

Looking for a hot sex?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 19, 2022:

Share with the woman who has made your life miserable since you said "I do"...... "Let her do anal..." "Trojan's new advertising slogan

I was the customer tho

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 19, 2022:

Well if she complains just say "What? You never heard of a man slut?..."

Mother....

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 18, 2022:

And 92% responded....

Just in case you want a laugh. [youtu.be]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 18, 2022:

He must have married my ex-wife...

A passenger boards an airplane and he is welcomed by a nice air hostess at the entrance.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 18, 2022:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6OUYNxlYcM

Two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last week we went out to a new restaurant, and it...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 18, 2022:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDN5rG3wLa4

It is a civil debate

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 18, 2022:

Coffee or tea but no pee.....

What I want on my headstone...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 18, 2022:

What I want on mine... "I was buried face down so the whole world can kiss my ass..."

How many more are you expecting?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 17, 2022:

Re #5: then how did Mary make it in?....

Mark your calendar now...oh, wait.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 17, 2022:

May is no fucks left to give month....

I never old you but I really like photography

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 17, 2022:

https://youtu.be/_dGh7p1tZmk

Hospitals have rules

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 17, 2022:

So does "Monopoly" but nobody follows them all....

Prejudice against beer - not allowed. 😆

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 17, 2022:

If you had ever tried to drink Pabst you wouldn't say it was an "unfair double standard...."

You could be happy

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 17, 2022:

That would be my sister....

Not much of a prince.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 16, 2022:

Not many of us are....

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman ...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 16, 2022:

Maybe he should have pissed her off more....

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing ...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 16, 2022:

Where in hell did you get that transcript of me as a child?....

Do you think Mr. Greenjeans would approve?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 16, 2022:

Why not ask him?.... Oh wait....

I would marry him, too. 😆

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 15, 2022:

Going to need a quart of liquid Draino to unplug your gut after eating all that....

This guy needed a new selfie for his profile.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 15, 2022:

Should have left him to climb out on his own and taught him a lesson...

Dad shows his work

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 15, 2022:

What a great way to share life with your little girl....

I always wondered where that sobriquet originated...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 15, 2022:

Hey look the Texas governor's official hat.....

What do you call atheists in India? Naan believers.....I'm sorry

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 15, 2022:

Sorry?... why?

Just to be clear...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 15, 2022:

A-hole lot of those in the world today..... Watch... because there isn't a picture to go with this most people won't get it....

We're Idiots! | Christopher Titus [youtube.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 14, 2022:

I have always said that I suspect that I was kidnapped by an exceptionally retarded alien species for study as a child...

ExplosmEntertainment - Happy Hour [youtube.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 14, 2022:

A little glass.... geeze what a wussy....

Times change, attitudes change. 🤣🤣🤣

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 14, 2022:

Well considering how I feel towards my ex I think I better not start down that road or I will find myself at the car lot buying an old sled...

A new monk arrives at the monastery A new monk arrives at the monastery.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 14, 2022:

Oh those poor little boys....

I know there are a lot of you guilty of this also.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 14, 2022:

Actually I deliver joke deadpan and drive people crazy when they think I am being serious.... NOW THAT cracks me up...

FUN FACT: If you're male your willy was in your mum longer than your dad's.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 14, 2022:

Interesting outlook she has.....

Please be careful how you judge.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 14, 2022:

In the Disc World series Witches are actually women who do good without expectation of financial reward.... and yes they do ride brooms, dress in all black and even wear heavy shoes or boots built to last instead of for style... Well there were two exceptions though.

This showed up on my facebook page. 🤣

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 14, 2022:

Good for her....

Herbie the Love Bug would lose his Ujoint if he met this beauty.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 13, 2022:

Bugs don't have U-Joints they have CV Joints....

It's a Texas thing

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 13, 2022:

.....

Crucifact.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 13, 2022:

It is actually spelled "c-r-u-c-i-f-i-c-t-i-o-n..."

Legit you think?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 12, 2022:

Not really it lacks a swastika.....

I try, what can I say?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 12, 2022:

Raking the bottom of the barrel with that one.... I suggest a pitchfork and three years on steroids.

It's been a weird day

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 12, 2022:

Found your ducks....

Best explanation I've seen.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 12, 2022:

Or maybe it is because you are not over there smoking it trying to get fucked up....

It is exciting

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 12, 2022:

The only times I ran into problems at work was when I had a supervisor.... Why is it that the people they hire to run things invariably only seem to be capable of running them into the ground?....

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 12, 2022:

Cats are a challenge, Christians?... Not so much....

I think my priorities are messed up.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 12, 2022:

When a guy ages many of them eat so much they can no longer find their dick anyway so sex becomes a moot issue....

Pets start looking like their owners, or is it the other way around?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 12, 2022:

Reason they look so much alike is he doesn't have any teeth....

Don't we miss her?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 12, 2022:

One less entitled bimbo in the world is never a loss as far as I am concerned....

Millennials and GEN Z | Christopher Titus | Zero Side Effects [youtube.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 11, 2022:

And now we have Biden making deals with McConnell.... Nothing like seeing the country you live in go completely to shit. https://youtu.be/nnun8y7r8_U

I don't have a clue.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 11, 2022:

Salesman for Apple: This is the latest and greatest phone we make and in about a year you will need to replace it because the updates will make it run like shit. Me: What is the difference between it and the last phone you made? Salesman: The case is different and it costs 300.00 more than last years model.....

And Father Christmas (Santa) wraps presents using the same wrapping paper you get from the shop down...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 11, 2022:

Krampus, the Christmas Devil doesn't exist....

My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 11, 2022:

Great way to rid some of these Trumpanzees in states that still outlaw pot and growing it...

Hope you all had a good weekend!

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 10, 2022:

When I was growing up my mother used to yell at me all the time for talking to myself.... I used to tell her it was the only way I could get an intelligent conversation around the place....

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, ...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 9, 2022:

Her father must hunt turkeys as well.... Call shotgun!

Max's friend: You put up with your hooman pretty well.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 9, 2022:

Now that is a woman with issues who needs some intensive therapy....

She wanted to see the love in his eyes but he couldn't look straight at her.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 9, 2022:

Which eye?....

Just ouch

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 9, 2022:

If only that had been true in real life they might have had an excuse.... As it was the only one they had was they were entitled, lazy, sub-humans that thought it was ok to own other people and treat them like shit....

You would think they would reassess that title

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 9, 2022:

There you go using that word again.....

I wonder why

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 8, 2022:

All tangled up in your underwear.....

Thibadeaux wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 8, 2022:

Maybe it would be safer just to go ape..... https://youtu.be/aRHqs8SffDo

I didn't think I would see it this soon.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 8, 2022:

Venison BBQ coming right up.....

Motivation works

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 8, 2022:

Have a picnic with the family right next to the coop with a couple buckets of KFC and watch it quintuple....

Stating the obvious...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 8, 2022:

No need to state the merely obvious when the incredibly obvious will do....

Ricky Gervais being a savage for 10 minutes straight [youtube.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 8, 2022:

When isn't he being a savage?....

Are you sure the “B” grade was justified? Forida, soth of Gorgia?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 7, 2022:

Considering that Republicans control Florida we can be sure this is a crock of shit....

A caring Dad indeed

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 7, 2022:

Fish for Hoes?.... Is that what they are calling Christian Mingle these days?....

No flies on Doc Brown then! :-D

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 7, 2022:

I would have gone back to the 1960s' to buy gas....

Been there, done that...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 7, 2022:

My parents always thought they were able to hold their liquor but I was the one drinking it....

I don't know if I can afford the liquor bill, but I'm game

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 7, 2022:

Even I wouldn't last an hour trying that challenge...

Wouldn't stand a chance

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 7, 2022:

Geeze the bar I hung out at used to spike my Fuzzy Puckers with 190 so I couldn't drink 3 and win my next night's drinking free....

Sounds about right

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Or give her the static test....

I've got your sandwich right here, baby!

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Nothing says eat me like....

Guys... Guys....

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Something about him tells me he is the type who would be dropping one off....

I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Sounds like somebody might be desperate enough to dig up a date....

Now you're talking! 😄

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Can't I have both?....

Meanwhile.... in America's redneck country

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

His gun collection is all that is in his safe.... He only has about 10 bucks in his bank....

Worried about Boris

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Not here please...

Real handy

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Man overboard....

An under-reported fact.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Thinking like a true needle dick....

Not exactly the best selling point.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Jesus has been cuming for 1900 years now you would think he could get it right already....

Hit the nail on the head...Pardon the pun!!!

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Sounds like it is time to change bags.... Pun intended...

When will these idiots learn, that is a 2000 pound can of whoop ass!

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

"Think of it as Evolution in action..." Larry Niven

Please pay attention

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Fine lock me down with her....

Summertime and the living is easy.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 6, 2022:

Nothing like a nice thick coat of sunscreen at the beach.... except you end up bringing half the beach home with you....

Two kinds of 'stoned'

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 5, 2022:

But it will certainly do.....

I wonder if he was giving them tips or the other way around?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 5, 2022:

50 Shades of Sarcasm.....

What a Mom

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 5, 2022:

Me: I had a collision while riding my bike and was thrown 20 feet knocking myself unconscious against the curb... Not only do I have a big gash in my head I seem to be bleeding from my ears.... Mother: That's nice is the curb ok?....

Mind you're words mate.....cops write everything down! :-D

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 5, 2022:

Sounds like my ex-wife..... After we got married she never did much of anything except complain about how much she did and how little everyone else did....

A day late, but I need to give credit where it is due.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 5, 2022:

And every year Randy Quade becomes more and more like him....

That's why I don't sleep well

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 5, 2022:

You would think they were married....

I wonder what this does....

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 5, 2022:

Home Depot.... It's a shitty place to work....

Yeah me trying to be nice.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 5, 2022:

Blind guy: What was that loud noise and how am I doing? Smudge: "Third pedestrian doing great so far..."

Apparently, the main character in 50 Shades of Gray says "Oh my," quite a lot.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 5, 2022:

Probably the second best actor in the startrek series....

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jul 4, 2022:

Last time I saw this joke it was Barbie and GI Joe....