TomMcGiverin's Profile

I've been wondering for a while if most of us on Agnostic are mostly estranged from our families of ...

Deb57 comments on Jul 11, 2019:

I'm an anomaly, apparently. I come from one of the least dysfunctional families I have ever seen. We all love one another, are supportive of one another, and we don't like drama. I do know how lucky I am.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 11, 2019:

You are very lucky. I personally know some people who are from close, functional families, but they are by no means the vast majority of people I have known. Therefore, when I see the women's profiles on Match that seem to indicate that the vast majority of women in my dating pool are from close, functional families, I am justifiably skeptical of their honesty and/or accurateness. Personally, I am estranged from my family due to #2,3, and 5, with a bit of #1 with my older sister. I allowed multiple votes/choices for each participant, so I voted #2,3, and 5, since it fits my situation the best.

I've been wondering for a while if most of us on Agnostic are mostly estranged from our families of ...

LiterateHiker comments on Jul 11, 2019:

As adult children of an alcoholic father, we are not close.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 11, 2019:

Then you would seem to fall into #3, dysfunctional family. I had no intention of trying to cover every possible category of situation or every possible reason for estrangement. I was basing my reason choices for estrangement on comments I have seen in previous threads on this subject. Chill out people, this is not a research study where every possible variable must be included, it's a simple straw poll. I could have added several more options on it, but I'm not interested in covering every possible situation, I just want a general idea what's going on out there with Agnostic members and their families, IN GENERAL. That means breaking it down into general groups. Pick one that best fits you or else post how you are different from what I listed, whatever you need to do to feel heard, by me or the group, depending on your motive.........

Single? Have a pool party! This looks more fun, to me, lol.

ZantiMisfit comments on Jul 10, 2019:

It's weird, I have no memory of going to a pool party out in the middle of a corn-field but I think I see myself in the back left :)

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 11, 2019:

@Hathacat@Hastur. We actually have a member here that is sort of a farmer. She lives in Iowa and raises livestock. As far as the whole farmer thing and stereotypes, I think it's interesting that on the two latest FarmersOnly.com commercials for their dating site, they are now showing women who are more normal-looking matched with normal-looking farmer guys. Instead of their first commercial which had a woman who looked more like the actress Jeri Ryan than anyone normal or believable, matched with a very average-looking farmer. In that commercial, the incredibly-built woman talked about her meeting the farmer and we are told they are an actual couple that met thru the site. The ad people may realize we aren't as stupid as they thought originally.

I'm anxious.

bleurowz comments on Jul 9, 2019:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks when family doesn't get along. Rest assured you're not alone. Do what works for you, concentrate on the people you care about, and limit your time with the rest.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 11, 2019:

@bleurowz Mine are a mix of the main three, dysfunctional, their conformity vs. my non-conformity, and the least contributing factor being differences over religion. My two younger siblings never even talk about religion with me, but my older sister is evangelical.

I'm anxious.

bleurowz comments on Jul 9, 2019:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks when family doesn't get along. Rest assured you're not alone. Do what works for you, concentrate on the people you care about, and limit your time with the rest.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 11, 2019:

From what I have seen on these boards and the reaction when I have shared about my family here in the past, I get the feeling that most of those on Agnostic are estranged from their family, usually over religion I bet, and also over the members here being non-conformist in general while their family members remain very conformist, the other main reason I suspect they are estranged. Then, there is also the common reason for estrangement for the rest of the members here, namely having dysfunctional relatives or the simple fact that many of us simply grow up to have nothing in common with our family except the accident of blood ties and having grown up together. This subject would make a good poll. I may do one and use the above reasons as choices/reasons for why the member is estranged from all or most of their immediate family.

I'm anxious.

TomMcGiverin comments on Jul 9, 2019:

I thought mine was bad. Now that my parents are both dead, I can now avoid seeing my siblings for a while and that's what I plan to do until one of them or their spouses die. I do have a cousin near Chicago that I would like to go see sometime that is a cool person, as is her hubby. I also have my ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 11, 2019:

@Ms_McSteven I can relate. When I attend a family gathering, which these days usually means a funeral, I can usually find a couple people to hang with that are cool people. In the case of my father's funeral trip, it was my cousin from the Chicago area, her hubby, and her son. Her health is not that good, so I don't know if she will be at the next funeral for my family, since it will probably be another ten years or more.

STANDING BEHIND YOUR EMPLOYEE My day job as some of you may know is printer repair tech.

TomMcGiverin comments on Jul 10, 2019:

I can't remember a single job where an employer stood behind me in any beefs with a customer. Employees have been disposable since before I became an adult. The only non-management employees who get backed by an employer are those who are either related to management or the owner or else close ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 10, 2019:

@motrubl4u There you have it, they simply need you too much because you are loyal, much better trained than most techs, and probably a lot more talented. The rare case where merit is important enough that they will back you over a customer. Trust me, in jobs where the skills aren't so high and workers are more easily replaceable, nobody backs a peon over a customer unless there is a family or other type of close relationship there with the employee.

Latest 2020 Democratic candidate Rankings 1.

bigpawbullets comments on Jul 9, 2019:

Pretty much assures the re-election of President Trump.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 9, 2019:

@St-Sinner Whatever. Enjoy the block.

What do you think are some of the root causes of apathy in our society?

Piece2YourPuzzle comments on Jul 9, 2019:

Well about 50% of the population doesn't vote because they think, and I don't blame them, that even if they do vote that nothing is going to change because there are all the same corrupt assholes vying for those votes that will ultimately be working for corporations and will fuck the citizens.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 9, 2019:

Exactly. Contrary to what the corrupt pols and the corporate media say about non-voters, I think that most non-voters are MORE informed and realistic about the system than the knee-jerk, habitual, easily manipulated voters that give us what we have for choices and elected officials. As a famous socialist said, if voting changed anything, it wouldn't be allowed for the masses.

Latest 2020 Democratic candidate Rankings 1.

bigpawbullets comments on Jul 9, 2019:

Pretty much assures the re-election of President Trump.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 9, 2019:

@St-Sinner Good for you. I find it exciting whenever I run across someone who is honest and can't be bought. To each their own....

Latest 2020 Democratic candidate Rankings 1.

bigpawbullets comments on Jul 9, 2019:

Pretty much assures the re-election of President Trump.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 9, 2019:

Anybody but Bernie assures a Trump win. The corporate media are doing all they can to ignore or attack Bernie, that's why he is running behind this time. Last time he caught the media and the Dem leaders by surprise, this time they are ready for him. The crowded field means no one will win on the first ballot at the convention, so, just like last time, the superdelegates will pick the Dem nominee on the second ballot and will choose a centrist like Biden or Harris. The rules changes on superdelegates that Bernie won will prove useless this time.

What do you think are some of the root causes of apathy in our society?

Benthoven comments on Jul 9, 2019:

Antidepressants. Pain killers. Boner pills. Sleeping pills. Not that they're bad, but if enough of us take enough of them, we're easier to control.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 9, 2019:

Well said. I remember a book I read back in the 70s while attending college. It was called Drugs: The Impotent Protest. No pun intended at the time...

Best Idea I had seen in years...

bobwjr comments on Jul 9, 2019:

Nice thought but some parents are idiots

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 9, 2019:

In my area, too many of the are rich shitheads, besides being assholes.

Best Idea I had seen in years...

snytiger6 comments on Jul 9, 2019:

A part of me likes this idea... and a part of me wonders how smart it would be to condition children to constant surveillance by an authority... conditioning/preparing them for a 1984 type of civilization.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 9, 2019:

@GipsyOfNewSpain I have it on good authority that in my local school district, where I drove the bus, that some of the kids bully the teachers as well as the bus drivers and monitors. No surprise on my part, as it all comes back to the principals and school district officials not having the balls to stand up to the parents. Besides bad parenting, part of the problem in my city is that there are many families with too much money and starter mansions, so the district is also afraid of getting sued by some of the affluent parents.

Don't give up

TheDoubter comments on Jul 9, 2019:

no accounting for personal taste

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 9, 2019:

That, and it takes all kinds.....

Best Idea I had seen in years...

TomMcGiverin comments on Jul 9, 2019:

Wouldn't make any difference in most cases. The parents of the bad kids are usually in complete denial about their kid's behavior. I worked for several years as a school bus driver and even when we had video evidence of the kid's behavior, the parents would usually refuse to believe their kid was ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 9, 2019:

@altschmerz Dats the fact, Jack....

Best Idea I had seen in years...

TomMcGiverin comments on Jul 9, 2019:

Wouldn't make any difference in most cases. The parents of the bad kids are usually in complete denial about their kid's behavior. I worked for several years as a school bus driver and even when we had video evidence of the kid's behavior, the parents would usually refuse to believe their kid was ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 9, 2019:

@altschmerz Yup. I had heard about this case when it first happened. I was bullied a few times myself by kids, including a high school boy. I recently saw him in a parking lot of a grocery store and he ran away from me after I yelled a sarcastic "Hi, how ya doing Jack?" at him. The punk knew that now that he's graduated and I am no longer driving the bus, I can basically tee off on him verbally whenever I see him in public as long as I don't follow him (stalking) or raise a ruckus inside a business, which could get me kicked out or banned from there. The little punk isn't so brave once it's man to man out on the streets and he can't hide behind being a school student anymore. He could go cry to his mom or even the school, but they wouldn't care anymore now that he's no longer their problem. When I see kids like that these days after they are graduated, I almost wish they would take a swing at me, because I would love to clean their clocks and walk away scot free.

We had fun yesterday! We watched the movie SPIDERMAN (FAR FROM HOME ) after the volleyball game😊...

motrubl4u comments on Jul 7, 2019:

I did absolutely NOTHING. And it was glorious lol

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 7, 2019:

Jacob- My hero is Peter Gruber (played by Ron Livingston) in Office Space, who said his dream was "to do nothing" and later that when he finally got his chance to do that, "it was every thing he always thought it would be"....

What do you think? Is AOC correct?

Tooreen comments on Jul 7, 2019:

If your hands are dirty your money is clean. 100% correct. You can empathise , but nothing teaches you better.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 7, 2019:

I would rather be at the bottom of the lower middle class with clean money, than be a Wal-Mart heir with billions. Because I know how bloody and dirty all their money is, built on decades of suffering and exploitation......

What do you think? Is AOC correct?

thinktwice comments on Jul 7, 2019:

I spent two years bartending while I was going to college. It was hard work, but it taught me to deal with all sorts of people, manage my time, remember a lot of things all at the same time, and most of all, it humbled me because no matter how hard I worked, my income was at the mercy of ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 7, 2019:

@thinktwice You get no argument from me. It would make them better, more empathetic people. I would not date someone who had never worked in a service industry job, because I would wonder if they were classist or negatively prejudiced against people who do not have high income, high status jobs. Seeing how someone treats wait staff on a date with them usually tells me all I need to know about their class politics and values, so I don't waste time seeing someone that doesn't share my values and political views, which would later cause too much conflict for me to get along with them.

What do you think? Is AOC correct?

NoPlanetB comments on Jul 7, 2019:

I agree they should spend time in the workforce but bar tending, meh.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 7, 2019:

@NoPlanetB True, but unless you have done hard physical work for a few years or more, esp. after you are middle-aged, I don't think most college-educated people who work at a desk with their brains have any idea how tough it is to keep working physically demanding jobs all the way to retirement. It is almost always a battle for the worker to fight the decay of their aging body in the later years with all the fear and anxiety over whether they will be able to make it to Medicare age and ever be able to retire. Many physically demanding jobs do not pay enough to retire on much more than SS benefits, so many blue collar workers work until they die or are disabled, by necessity. Most white collar workers are clueless and callous about this, saying the blue collar workers needed to get educated or move up to some supervisory position to avoid this trap, but that assumes they have the money for college or that there are supervisory jobs for every blue collar worker out there with seniority. I know different. In Europe, people are more humane and enlightened, so that people in physically demanding jobs are allowed hardship exemptions that allow them to collect full retirement benefits at a younger age than white collar workers.

What do you think? Is AOC correct?

JCCharles comments on Jul 7, 2019:

A agree. There is a serious disconnect between those governing and those being governed. The current salary for a US Senator is $174,000. I’ve been managing a factory for almost 30 years and don’t make any where near that!

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 7, 2019:

In my opinion, anybody who makes six figures has no idea what it's like for us struggling peons trying to just survive.....

What do you think? Is AOC correct?

thinktwice comments on Jul 7, 2019:

I spent two years bartending while I was going to college. It was hard work, but it taught me to deal with all sorts of people, manage my time, remember a lot of things all at the same time, and most of all, it humbled me because no matter how hard I worked, my income was at the mercy of ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 7, 2019:

Anybody that can successfully bartend can deal well with people in general and would probably be good at anything from sales to social work. Some bartenders, in fact, that work the day shift and deal with all the hardcore drunks that show up as soon as the place opens, are often providing adult day care at the neighborhood dive bars that have such clientele. The bartenders are often helping customers with managing their meds and in the old days, before direct deposit, were cashing the customers' welfare or disability checks.

Is Sport a Religion? | Psychology Today Australia

273kelvin comments on Jul 7, 2019:

"Football is not a matter of life or death. It's more important than that" Bill Shankly - football manager

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 7, 2019:

I heard that comment on a commercial for a sports documentary on soccer called The Pitch. So, yes, some sports are obviously a religion to some people involved with them. In the US, college football is a religion in some southern states like Alabama, Texas, Georgia, and Florida.

Does anyone actually meet anyone from here?

Ms_McSteven comments on Jul 5, 2019:

The "Michiganders" group had a meet and greet a couple of weeks ago. Six people attended, out of 70-ish members.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 5, 2019:

That sounds typical, like most Meetup.com groups, where you get a lot of people joining the group online, but very few people actually interested in attending anything in person. Most people that use the internet to meet others just want to have a lot of social options for meeting people without actually having to invest or commit any to attending the groups they join.

Disclaimer: the following is based on several years of personal experience with online dating and ...

LauraPerrine comments on Jul 4, 2019:

Dating at our age is hard. Online dating can make you crazy. There are organized crime syndicates in Nigeria and Russia that target women in developed countries. Their targetss are women over 50 who are widowed or divorced, overweight and especially if disabled. I am all of those. 80% of the guys ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 5, 2019:

What is an nsa? That's a new one on me....

Well.

TomMcGiverin comments on Jul 4, 2019:

Fucking idiots. I am a former professional driver and very skilled at avoiding accidents, but even I feel often scared about whether I can avoid hitting all the idiots I encounter of the road these days as a civilian driver.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 4, 2019:

@BufftonBeotch Some people seem to have a death wish.

Disclaimer: the following is based on several years of personal experience with online dating and ...

shockwaverider comments on Jul 3, 2019:

I've been online dating on and off for 20+ years (match.com & okcupid). Sure there have been disappointments but overall it has been more positive than negative. I've had 4 about 2 year long relationships, 1@5 year relationship, and am currently in a relationship that's been going for more than a ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 4, 2019:

As a fellow bald man, I agree with everything you have said. Baldness is an issue with lots of women and I appreciate that you admitted that it is, despite all the denials I hear about that from the women on Agnostic. I also totally agree with you about how important it is in online dating to live in an area where you fit with the mainstream of the local culture, whether that is in religion, culture or lifestyle. I am an Agnostic childfree hipster in the middle of Iowa, even if it's a large metro area of several hundred thousand. The fact is that most of the single hipsters in my area are much younger makes it hard to get much response from women my age in my area on dating sites. Hipster, to me, means intellectual, non-conforming to the mainstream, and hip in their tastes for entertainment and their lifestyle. Anything but country-music loving and into spending most of their time with family or watching college sports most of the time for entertainment and socializing. My odds of finding a partner here thru online dating are very long, but I am not going to move away somewhere better to improve them, because I really need the support of my local friends to get by and I am not going to leave them behind in some blind hope that I can make new ones and find a partner in a new town, both in short order...

Disclaimer: the following is based on several years of personal experience with online dating and ...

patchoullijulie comments on Jul 3, 2019:

Yeah and what is up with the men partnering up again so soon. It happens a lot. I don't get it. Further proof that it is a mans world!! 🤬🤬 Not that I'm bitter or anything........

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 4, 2019:

Sure isn't a man's world in my experience.....

What qualities do you look for in a companion?

John-Paul comments on Jul 3, 2019:

A lady who worked with me years ago said she has a "666" standard: At least six feet tall, six figure income, and at least six inches.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 3, 2019:

Sounds pretty crass, but at least she's honest. Bet she has a lot of company in real life among women.

What qualities do you look for in a companion?

motrubl4u comments on Jul 3, 2019:

I'm pretty easy on this. Someone I find attractive who doesn't cheat, someone who I get along with. That's it lol

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 3, 2019:

That's most of it for me too.

You know, I did not blame ALL men for what went wrong in my marriage.

Bigel comments on Jun 30, 2019:

Could you define decent a bit more? I am working on a project of self-reflection. It is not that ALL men want sex or that all men want is sex, obviously.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 3, 2019:

@DAB456 This shy guy really appreciates women who will ask men to go out. There seem to be very few real feminists in my area. You really do need to get over and move on from the man you knew that is still in your head. Until then, you will never have a successful relationship with any men.

Social Class and the Stubbornness of Family Myths: How Nonbeliever and Pagan Parents Cope with ...

CarolinaGirl60 comments on Jul 2, 2019:

I get it. I’ve never believed. I’m an NC native, in the Bible Belt. I was taken to an evangelical church til I was old enough to refuse. At family gatherings, they pray before meals and go on and on about church. I go outside a lot. Their lives revolve around their churches. One family member ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 3, 2019:

Same with me. I have always refused to knuckle under to obeying or going along with mainstream culture for my area even tho it has often cost me, esp. in the dating game. But outside of the dating game, I am able to blandly ignore the mainstream culture around me, including religion, as long as the members of it don't hassle me for being different or try to shove their culture down my throat, such as country music or conservative politics, family and kids being everything or sacred, etc..

You know, I did not blame ALL men for what went wrong in my marriage.

Bigel comments on Jun 30, 2019:

Could you define decent a bit more? I am working on a project of self-reflection. It is not that ALL men want sex or that all men want is sex, obviously.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 3, 2019:

@DAB456 I agree that cutting to the chase and asking for an early meeting is the way to go. My guess is that a woman asking for an early meeting runs the risk, esp. in my area, as seeming too aggressive or easy sexually. I see that you are from the Northeast and, for your area, that might be accepted and even appreciated by decent men. My late wife was from that part of the country and I always liked that people from that region were more direct and open about their views than Midwesterners. But in my area, at least, most women from online dating would not accept that and would instead see it as pushy, needy, or suspicious. So I have to play their game and instead agree to trading at least a few messages back and forth before they will agree to meet or sometimes even have to pass a phone interview on their part before they will meet. Different parts of the country have different cultures and different rules for what is normal in the dating game protocol, tho there are always individuals that break the mold and play things their way, at the risk of being rejected by those that prefer the mainstream rules for that area of the country.

You know, I did not blame ALL men for what went wrong in my marriage.

Bigel comments on Jun 30, 2019:

Could you define decent a bit more? I am working on a project of self-reflection. It is not that ALL men want sex or that all men want is sex, obviously.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 3, 2019:

@DAB456 According to your definition, I would qualify as a decent man. But in online dating, at least in my local area, there are plenty of other factors that come into play long before the stage in dating and getting to know someone where anyone would be able to tell if I was decent or not as a person. In the early stages character is not so important to most people, it's way more about looks, shared interests, and what I call checklist items that are mostly about similarities in culture and lifestyle where you either fit their dealbreaker wish list or you don't. If you don't you'll never even trade messages enough to have any idea if they are a decent person or not, much less meet them in person.

You know, I did not blame ALL men for what went wrong in my marriage.

DAB456 comments on Jul 1, 2019:

Okay so maybe my wording was a bit off. A poor attempt at some sarcastic humor about my pitiful plight. Sorry to have offended so many.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 3, 2019:

Sarcasm, and esp. snark, don't work as well online than in person or maybe in texting with someone who knows you well. Also, most of us on these boards who have been trying to date have had a lot of bad experiences with and/or rejection with the dating scene, so we are quick to take things negatively or even personally if someone makes a generalization about one gender that is negative.

HOW NOT TO FIND A PARTNER -Lessons from an old man I have a friend whose wife died a year ago.

dleifallot comments on Jul 2, 2019:

Thanks for this post. There is surely much wisdom here -- lessons I'm sure I've learned but need to keep learning. I also love this advice from Dan Savage. He brings another perspective to having unrealistic expectations: https://youtu.be/r1tCAXVsClw

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 3, 2019:

@UUNJ Of course. I get it, there are always exceptions. But here in farming country, women and men who still like country music at our age are almost always people who still hold onto the rest of the mainstream culture and lifestyle around here, which includes liking country music a lot, being very family-oriented, having social drinking as the center of one's social life, being a believer, and having college sports as the center of one's social life. Just going by the stats. Iowa is not NJ or vice versa.

HOW NOT TO FIND A PARTNER -Lessons from an old man I have a friend whose wife died a year ago.

Ms_McSteven comments on Jul 2, 2019:

Having already been married and divorced twice, I know that "compromising" really means giving up what I like to do, and adopting someone else's interests and activities. It's easier than arguing, but it kills your passions.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 2, 2019:

@resserts I second that. My one LTR, with my late wife, involved each of us trying some new things for ourselves that the other was already into, and finding that we enjoyed these things together. At the same time, we each continued with some interests and friendships that we each brought into the relationship (that the other did not share or have any interest in) and did not get the other involved in those things. This worked well because we each had friends we could go enjoy these non-shared interests with and nobody had to give up anything they enjoyed. I admit that this might not be feasible for most couples due to time constraints with work and family obligations, but since we were both childless and pretty independent people, it worked well. We spent the right amount of time together and nobody had to give up any interests or activities they liked. Now that I am retired, I would like to think I could find a woman in my area that was just as independent and flexible, but that doesn't seem to be the case even with the retired women in online dating, mainly because they are so tied to their families and would rather spend their time with them instead of with female friends like my late wife did, when they are not with a dating partner

HOW NOT TO FIND A PARTNER -Lessons from an old man I have a friend whose wife died a year ago.

OpheliaWilde comments on Jul 2, 2019:

I agree with this and disagree at the same time. I think many times having a relationship check list leads to overlooking a person you might have a real connection with. That being said I have often found that having little to no requirements has lead to a lot of time being invested in a ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 2, 2019:

You are wise beyond your years, OW. There is a middle balance that we need to seek.

HOW NOT TO FIND A PARTNER -Lessons from an old man I have a friend whose wife died a year ago.

dleifallot comments on Jul 2, 2019:

Thanks for this post. There is surely much wisdom here -- lessons I'm sure I've learned but need to keep learning. I also love this advice from Dan Savage. He brings another perspective to having unrealistic expectations: https://youtu.be/r1tCAXVsClw

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 2, 2019:

@UUNJ Practicality and past experience. Women who like country music (which I have always hated) much at all are not going to be interested in dating a guy who can't stand hearing it, including listening to it in a car together, going to a concert, or listening to it at home. It wouldn't work. Also, most people who like country music tend to be more conservative and traditional than me, so it's also often a symptom of them being a cultural mismatch with me in other ways. I prefer hipster or hippie type women, not country gals or farmer's daughters culturally. Unfortunately, where I live, they are the dominant cultural group and I am the small minority. Trust me Melanie, in my local area, the women who like country music have so many guys to choose from that like country and have as much or more to offer them as me among the online dating pool, that they would never agree to wear ear buds to be with me. As I said in another comment I posted recently, people in online dating seem to only be as open-minded and willing to compromise as they need to be in order to compete in their dating market, no more than necessary. If they are very much part of the mainstream for that area in their dealbreakers related to culture and lifestyle, they will not be more open-minded and willing to compromise than they need to be since they will still be able to meet lots of compatible people that meet their dealbreakers. So why should they be more flexible if they are meeting lots of compatible people who meet their list? They won't because there's no need for them to.

HOW NOT TO FIND A PARTNER -Lessons from an old man I have a friend whose wife died a year ago.

dleifallot comments on Jul 2, 2019:

Thanks for this post. There is surely much wisdom here -- lessons I'm sure I've learned but need to keep learning. I also love this advice from Dan Savage. He brings another perspective to having unrealistic expectations: https://youtu.be/r1tCAXVsClw

TomMcGiverin replies on Jul 2, 2019:

There is a lot of truth to his comments. Too bad that most of the women I run across online for dating seem to have more like ten or more dealbreakers, rather than five or less. I can honestly say that I have only 4-5 dealbreakers and two of them I have some flexibility on on. I won't date someone strongly religious, very-family-oriented, or someone who likes country music much. I won't date a conservative, but will date someone middle of the road politically. Same with a smoker, I would date someone who smokes occaisionally, but not a daily smoker. So on smoking and politics I am somewhat flexible. I also would be ok with dating someone who likes to be outdoors a lot, but they would probably reject me for not wanting to be outdoors a lot with them. Dealbreaker on their part, not so much on mine. But I have allergies and don't like being cold, so I really don't have much choice about it. That's just the way it is with online dating. If someone has lots of choices for people that meet their dealbreaker checklists, they won't bother messaging or getting to know anyone that might possibly be, like in the case of the OP, someone who would be worth compromising for because of their character and heart. With online dating going the way it usually goes, it usually doesn't even get far enough as far as contact between the people for that kind of compromise to come into play. I gave up social drinking for my late wife several months after we started dating, because she needed that from me emotionally after her previous marriage to an alcoholic. If she had made that a dealbreaker with online dating, we probably never would have met because I would have had a profile that listed me as a social drinker. for example. Like everything else, having too many dealbreakers goes both ways with each gender.

I went off to a 40's & 50's singles group yesterday afternoon.

indelible comments on Jun 30, 2019:

I went to a Meetup for singles. I was bored, too. I truly didn't fit in with that crowd. I won't be doing that again.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 30, 2019:

@genessa It was otherwise.

I went off to a 40's & 50's singles group yesterday afternoon.

Sgt_Spanky comments on Jun 30, 2019:

That sounds reasonable. Singles groups means the only thing you know you have in common with anyone is being single. That's not much on which to hinge a conversation. By following your passions you have a much better chance of chatting it up with someone who actually has something interesting to ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 30, 2019:

Your point is so true about groups where there may only be one common denominator. In my case, I have found that with Agnostic.com and the women on there from my area. I have had no luck with finding someone to date in my local area from this site because even tho they are fellow non-believers, it appears that we have little in common besides that for the most part. They are usually very much a part of the mainstream culture and lifestyle here in every other way than religion and I am not.

For you single/dating folks : I've been pondering some past interchanges with potential partners,...

Allamanda comments on Jun 29, 2019:

I'm always early or on time, find lateness and eleventh hour behaviours very hard to take, same with unreliablility and impractical ideas. I'm fairly frugal and prefer to make what I need from scratch when practicable, I find extravagance worrying. I don't mind lack of manual skills in others but I ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 30, 2019:

@Allamanda The problem I have found, at least with online dating for my area, is that social drinkers will not accept us for dating, doesn't matter how tolerant or open-minded we are. They want someone who shares their drinking habits so they, their friends, and their family will feel comfortable drinking around whoever they date.

I went off to a 40's & 50's singles group yesterday afternoon.

indelible comments on Jun 30, 2019:

I went to a Meetup for singles. I was bored, too. I truly didn't fit in with that crowd. I won't be doing that again.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 30, 2019:

I joined a local singles group, not on Meetup, that had been around for a long time. Almost everyone was way older than me, it was mostly women. Almost all of them were boring and not well-educated or intellectual. The women were pretty much bitter divorcees who were locked into never dating again. They were almost all very conservative and traditional. I didn't fit in at all with them. I made one friend, a woman who was more like me than the rest of them, out of the group. I quit going after several months. Except for the friend that I still have, it was a waste of time.

For you single/dating folks : I've been pondering some past interchanges with potential partners,...

Sticks48 comments on Jun 30, 2019:

1.They can't have a penis. 2....I guess that's it. No penis.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 30, 2019:

I'm not ready yet to set the bar that low Sticks, but, you make a good point....

For you single/dating folks : I've been pondering some past interchanges with potential partners,...

TomMcGiverin comments on Jun 30, 2019:

Easy. Almost all of these make finding someone compatible in my area seem pretty impossible due to how far out of the cultural and lifestyle mainstream I am.: Not family-oriented- Meaning, I don't want to spend most of my time with a woman visiting her adult kids and grandkids. Being ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 30, 2019:

@LiterateHiker I think I've heard that one before about country music. Be thankful you don't live in my area and instead live in a way more hip, progressive place when it comes to music and culture. I may live in the Des Moines area, which has plenty of young hipsters, but when you get to the dating pool there for my age, it's still very much a culture of farmer's daughters that grew up on family and country music being very important core parts of their indentities. I'm also guessing that when a guy listens to a country song backward, his IQ goes up as well.

For you single/dating folks : I've been pondering some past interchanges with potential partners,...

Allamanda comments on Jun 29, 2019:

I'm always early or on time, find lateness and eleventh hour behaviours very hard to take, same with unreliablility and impractical ideas. I'm fairly frugal and prefer to make what I need from scratch when practicable, I find extravagance worrying. I don't mind lack of manual skills in others but I ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 30, 2019:

I can relate to how non-drinking really is a dealbreaker to most social drinkers. They see it as taboo or maybe a threat to their comfort level over their own drinking. Of course, people in AA feel completely the opposite about it, but I suspect that very few recovering alcoholics ever use dating sites like we do. Instead, they fish for dating partners thru their program's meetings and social events.

I want to admit, It's not cool being alone and feeling lonely.

NoPlanetB comments on Jun 29, 2019:

I felt that way when I first divorced after 30 years of marriage. Now, I love my independent life to do just as I please with no one to consider but me. I do miss sex with a partner, touching and closeness but not enough to change my lifestyle at this time or in the foreseeable future. Maybe you...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 29, 2019:

@NatureGal I relate. There is nothing wrong with you. If I lived in your area, I would want to meet you.

Orwell’s 1984 no longer reads like fiction. It’s the reality of our times — RT Op-ed

freeofgod comments on Jun 29, 2019:

I remember reading Orwell and thinking he had one hell of an imagination. Never dreamed it would be possible. Or that I'd live to see it :(

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 29, 2019:

Same here. Nowadays I am somewhat comforted in knowing that I will probably be dead before the shit really hits the fan with climate change and our system and economy collapsing for good in the US. But sometimes I'm not so sure about the US not imploding before I'm dead.

Orwell’s 1984 no longer reads like fiction. It’s the reality of our times — RT Op-ed

camne comments on Jun 29, 2019:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/It_Can't_Happen_Here The novel was published during the heyday of fascism in Europe, which was reported on by Dorothy Thompson, Lewis's wife.[3] The novel describes the rise of Berzelius "Buzz" Windrip, a demagogue who is elected President of the United States, ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 29, 2019:

The novel you're referring to is It Can't Happen Here, but it's already happened to a large degree since 9-11 under a collaboration of Bush, Obama, and now Trump, with the cooperation of congress and both parties, to deepen fascism in the US and suppress dissent against US foreign policy, intelligence policy and practices, erosion of civil liberties, and militarization of our police forces. Getting rid of Trump won't solve the real problems, which are the growing fascism of our govt. and the worsening plutocracy of our political system.

Watching the first Dem debate.

zesty comments on Jun 26, 2019:

Unfortunately these assholes don't get killed at the end of the debate. Now, that would be a cool show!

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 28, 2019:

@zesty All communists, not socialists.

Democratic Debate- Night Two I thought Kamala Harris did surprisingly well.

bingst comments on Jun 28, 2019:

I don't like the debates. It might be okay for a seat in Congress, as debate is part of Congress's process, but only if election debates use very similar rules that are actually followed. Debate really has no place in the presidency. I would much rather have something like an analysis of ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 28, 2019:

I agree that the format and the size of the group make for a bad discussion of ideas compared to what I would prefer, but, on the other hand, the qualifying criteria to get into the debate for this first round is ridicuously low, only needing to poll 1%.... Things will get better later on as the standards for staying in get tougher with needing higher poll %s and more individual donors, which will narrow it down to a more workable half dozen or so candidates by the fall. The bad part is that even after the field gets narrowed, we will still be stuck with moderators from the corporate media who will be asking bad ?s and displaying obvious bias for and against who the establishment wants to win or lose.

NC lawmaker says Lincoln ‘unjustly invaded’ the South, a ‘sovereign nation’

SeaGreenEyez comments on Jun 27, 2019:

....

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 28, 2019:

Such a weary kitty....

NC lawmaker says Lincoln ‘unjustly invaded’ the South, a ‘sovereign nation’

Sticks48 comments on Jun 28, 2019:

All of the inbreeding in the post war Confederate states left their gene pool both narrow and shallow, and it ain't gettin' any wider or deeper in most places in that part of the country. It is the only way to explain the level of stupid in that part of the country.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 28, 2019:

As we both know, Sticks, you can't fix stupid.....

Watching the first Dem debate.

zesty comments on Jun 26, 2019:

Unfortunately these assholes don't get killed at the end of the debate. Now, that would be a cool show!

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@zesty You can say whatever you want to, doesn't mean I have to like it or vice versa. Do you really think right wing govts. are any more tolerant or free in allowing opposing speech? I wouldn't go lumping socialists with uneducated, brainless mass murderers.

Watching the first Dem debate.

zesty comments on Jun 26, 2019:

Unfortunately these assholes don't get killed at the end of the debate. Now, that would be a cool show!

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@zesty I was referring to gater, who I blocked. Checked his profile and, of course, he's a conservative. Big surprise......

Watching the first Dem debate.

zesty comments on Jun 26, 2019:

Unfortunately these assholes don't get killed at the end of the debate. Now, that would be a cool show!

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@zesty, @gater Must be another right winger weighing in. You can keep your advice. I doubt you would be amused if, for example, I and other socialists started saying we wanted to see targeted assassinations of CEOs, would you?

Watching the first Dem debate.

zesty comments on Jun 26, 2019:

Unfortunately these assholes don't get killed at the end of the debate. Now, that would be a cool show!

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@zesty I stand by my point. Killing off pols while they are in office is not funny to me. So you would do away with the Secret Service, I suppose?

Watching the first Dem debate.

Normanbites comments on Jun 26, 2019:

So many candidates all sounding so much alike. 20 candidates in all. I can see how it might seem like a game show. My first inclination is to separate the "originals" from the "me too's" though who goes in which category is one element for debate. My "originals" are definitely Bernie and ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@vertrauen Interesting. I have no problem with a prez being Hindu, Christian, Jewish, whatever, as long as they are not some type of fundy with any religion. The latter would include anyone that was Mormon, Nation of Islam or Jehova's Witness as well. The article is rather disturbing. Thanks.

I was 13 years old ✌❤

Sticks48 comments on Jun 27, 2019:

I was 21 and in the Army. Not one of my favorite Summers.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@Sticks48 Damned contrarian weirdo musicians.............I've always done well with adult supervision as long as they first train me how to do the job the way they want it done, then leave me the hell alone after that unless I am screwing up enough later that I need to be fired......In between those two situations I prefer to be left alone to do the job rather than babysat or micromanaged. The only boss I ever fantasized about killing was a workaholic micromanager.

I was 13 years old ✌❤

Sticks48 comments on Jun 27, 2019:

I was 21 and in the Army. Not one of my favorite Summers.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

I can imagine. I am very glad to have not been in the military. My father always used to nag my brother and me to join it and we never did or had to since the draft was ended before we were old enough during Vietnam. My father always seemed to think that you couldn't learn self-discipline without being in the military, but we both proved him wrong by learning it thru sports, which I think is true with most kids that play sports. What I didn't need or want to learn from the military was how to take orders without ? or blindly obey authority, which I think are good things to NEVER learn. Of course, as a judge, he never agreed with me about any of that.

I was 13 years old ✌❤

TomMcGiverin comments on Jun 27, 2019:

I was 10. My late wife was 26. Go figure.......I heard about it later. She was at Woodstock.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

Can't get it to edit...She was at Woodstock.

DEMOCRATIC DEBATE Just a placeholder for discussion: I felt Warren was short-changed on ...

jerry99 comments on Jun 27, 2019:

Wash Post has a summary of winners and losers: Winners Elizabeth Warren: The Massachusetts senator went into the debate with the biggest target on her back as the highest-polling candidate onstage. But she largely skated. Other candidates didn’t seem to have the appetite to put her on the ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@jerry99 I corrected my comment. Thanks for sharing it.

DEMOCRATIC DEBATE Just a placeholder for discussion: I felt Warren was short-changed on ...

jerry99 comments on Jun 27, 2019:

Robert Reich just tweeted: ‏ It's not a question of "left," "center," or "right." Pay attention to character, temperament, and thoughtfulness. Trump has the worst of these qualities of any president in modern history. America will vote for the opposite, the candidate who exhibits the best of ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@JeffMesser I mostly agree with you about Warren, including her electability,, and for the same reasons as you on her electability, her irritating qualities with most people and her being too mannered to debate Trump well. But I also don't trust her with power, for reasons I have stated elsewhere on these boards.

DEMOCRATIC DEBATE Just a placeholder for discussion: I felt Warren was short-changed on ...

jerry99 comments on Jun 27, 2019:

Wash Post has a summary of winners and losers: Winners Elizabeth Warren: The Massachusetts senator went into the debate with the biggest target on her back as the highest-polling candidate onstage. But she largely skated. Other candidates didn’t seem to have the appetite to put her on the ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

I pretty much agree with their whole commentary.

Watching the first Dem debate.

genessa comments on Jun 26, 2019:

i did not see it as a game show at all, not even remotely. it didn't seem at all fake. why did it seem fake to you? we'll see how biden et al comport themselves tomorrow. but i like warren (and others) very much. g

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@GreenAtheist Good one, Larry. You're up there with Black Jeapordy on SNL. That sketch always cracks me up....Here's my attempt at Dem Debate Jeapordy: Joe Biden- What is a doddering old fool who is today's Ronnie Raygun and is going to need life support tomorrow night from the moderators to even stay alive in the debate?? I'll take that for $500, Alex!

Watching the first Dem debate.

1of5 comments on Jun 26, 2019:

Anyone watch this on telemundo? I'm wondering if they're translating when they speak Spanish into English.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@thinktwice I watched it in English on NBC.

Watching the first Dem debate.

Normanbites comments on Jun 26, 2019:

So many candidates all sounding so much alike. 20 candidates in all. I can see how it might seem like a game show. My first inclination is to separate the "originals" from the "me too's" though who goes in which category is one element for debate. My "originals" are definitely Bernie and ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@t1nick I had never seen Castro before and I agree with you, he really comes off as an authentic, decent human being, almost too much to be a pol. I can believe he has integrity, maybe that's why he's fairly unknown and low in the pols. Maybe I'm just too cynical?

Watching the first Dem debate.

LiterateHiker comments on Jun 27, 2019:

Elizabeth Warren really shone in tonight's Democratic debate! Warren is highly intelligent, warm, articulate and clear. She has deep understanding of America's problems and how to fix them. Also was impressed with Cory Booker and Beto O'Rourke.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

I was also more impressed with Booker than I expected to be. I agree with you about Warren's intelligence and presentation. I just don't trust her to do the right thing if she got elected prez and started getting pressured by the corporatists and the establishment. She doesn't seem strong and principled enough based on how I've seen her change since Obama put her on the CFPB.

DEMOCRATIC DEBATE Just a placeholder for discussion: I felt Warren was short-changed on ...

jerry99 comments on Jun 26, 2019:

Funny Twitter thread: https://twitter.com/BGrueskin/status/1144057132075180032 Dem candidates as Airplane! cast members

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@jerry99 I agree with you that his hair is odd. What Airplane character would he be?

DEMOCRATIC DEBATE Just a placeholder for discussion: I felt Warren was short-changed on ...

jerry99 comments on Jun 26, 2019:

Funny Twitter thread: https://twitter.com/BGrueskin/status/1144057132075180032 Dem candidates as Airplane! cast members

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

So who is the Robert Stack character of Captain Kramer? That would be my most amusing character...An arrogant, pompous asshole, hmmmm.....

DEMOCRATIC DEBATE Just a placeholder for discussion: I felt Warren was short-changed on ...

jerry99 comments on Jun 26, 2019:

John Delaney gets my vote for biggest asshole.

TomMcGiverin replies on Jun 27, 2019:

@thinktwice Warren really doesn't irritate me the way I've heard that she does a lot of people and maybe that's why she isn't as popular as Biden or Bernie in most polls. But she is going to get a lot of votes from the Hillary supporters simply because she is a white woman and those folks seem to only care about electing a white woman over everything else. It was interesting to hear that she is now back to supporting Medicare For All after backing away from it earlier. Probably saying she supports it now because she realizes she has to if she has any chance of beating Bernie for the nomination, which is just one example of why I don't trust her. She is more of an opportunist who will say and do what she needs to for her political ambition rather than be a consistent progressive like Bernie has for decades. I really see Warren as a tool, wittingly or unwittingly, of the Dem leaders and establishment to stop Bernie. The differences between her and Hillary is that Warren is less corrupt and far more convincing talking progressive than Hillary ever was trying to compete with Bernie last time. I believe Warren means most of what she says, but, like Hillary, I don't think for a minute that she would hold to much of it if she got elected prez.

Watching the first Dem debate.

Normanbites comments on Jun 26, 2019:

So many candidates all sounding so much alike. 20 candidates in all. I can see how it might seem like a game show. My first inclination is to separate the "originals" from the "me too's" though who goes in which category is one element for debate. My "originals" are definitely Bernie and ...