TomMcGiverin's Profile

I have created a new group where everyone can chill out and go back to the 60s and have some ...

of-the-mountain comments on Dec 8, 2018:

We never called ourselves hippies such a mainstream meme of those who were contrarian who labeled ourselves as freaks! Almost all those who called themselves hippies were only so weekends and at concerts or festivals! Most never demonstrated again the war or were actually antiwar! They also never ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 8, 2018:

I hear you.My late wife was actually at Woodstock, but even tho she was a very hip person she did not live the hippie lifestyle back then or ever in the sense you did. There is an excellent memoir by the actor Peter Coyote called Sleeping Where I Fall, which is one of my most treasured books. He actually lived it and later wrote about it. I think you would agree with him on his view of the whole movement and its place in history and American culture. He makes some of the same criticisms as you of the wannabees or hangers on as well as of the critics of the movement. I was too young to have been a part of that movement and to be honest I didn't have the strength then (or later for that matter) to have handled being that much of an outlaw. The book is a testament to the tribe's members but also a rebuke to all the idealization and vicarious nostalgia America has had for the hippie movement. I admire that you lived it for real and am grateful for what you and your tribe contributed to our history and culture. It seems like the 60s were the best time to be young and alive as our country was at its most humane and free in how many of us treated each other, esp. before NIxon, vs. the cold, impersonal society we have now. BTW, I was born at the end of 1958, my wife in 1942. Different generations. Still, I have many very clear memories of the 60s, going all the way back to my first one, the JFK assassination.

When to write a man off?

Kojaksmom comments on Dec 4, 2018:

Okay three days is reasonable, but joining a convent is still the less painful option compared to dating.

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 5, 2018:

@brainyactress With all the games women play these days, it goes both ways.....

I'm curious how much of the membership here feels about the unsettling future awaiting us in both ...

Jolanta comments on Dec 4, 2018:

You need to stop calling people losers. It is unacceptable. It is not their fault that they do not have a job a lot of the time, especially since so many jobs go overseas to countries who pay their staff pittance. Of course it is the idea of a basic wage is feasible. Just look at countries who ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 5, 2018:

There are winners and losers in the global economy, both at the individual, national, and industry level. I think everyone else on here got my point on that. I am a proud socialist and I think you mistook my words. Trust me, I hate the rich and do not identify with them. Direct your anger more appropriately towards the capitalists and Repubs who call all of the poor and unemployed losers either to their face, in political discourse or privately.

When to write a man off?

SteveUK comments on Dec 4, 2018:

Would you contact him? And if not why not?

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 4, 2018:

@brainyactress I wouldn't mind a mild pursuit by a woman, but I guess that means I'm not a typical man. At the same time, I don't lie or play games so if I said I would send my phone number I would have done so within 24 hours after the date. How much time has passed since this first date? I agree with the other poster that until I actually see someone the second time it's best to have little or no expectations that the second meeting or date is going to happen no matter what was said in person the last time because women often say they want to see a man again to avoid confrontation or embarrassment of being put on the spot. I also agree with the other poster that nowadays it's so hard to read many people on a date as to how it went or was going, so many guys do assume the date went not that well until they hear otherwise from the woman or see her again. As someone posted in another thread, dating is really hard these days partly because so many women never let their guard down so it's not always easy to read them on dates. My vote for dropping interest in him is not hearing anything for three days. Has it already been that long? If he contacts you in a week, my vote would be let him go no matter what reasons he gives for the delay since he would probably be lying about the cause and was clearly not as into you as you had been into him.

Have you ever done anything that would be considered sexual harassment?

Tominator comments on Dec 3, 2018:

In a meeting a female coworker started the question "How hard Tom", she then paused probably thinking of the phrasing for the rest of the sentence. I answered "Tom very hard when he need to be"

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 4, 2018:

As they used to say on The Office, "That's what she said..."

I really hate when people come to work sick.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 3, 2018:

Most of my jobs were low wage and no benefits, so I often worked sick as did my co-workers, because we had no choice. But even when money was tight, I would stay home sick on days when I was very ill, figuring my long-term health was worth something to me even if my employer couldn't care less. Am ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 3, 2018:

@IrishTxJudy Yup, she's right. And those with paid sick leave and management that supports them staying home when sick, such as the co-workers you describe, are simply egotists and ignorant chumps who think that by kissing ass to the bosses and acting indispensable at work they will prove themselves more valuable than just cogs in the machine. Too bad they never get a clue about the illness and grief they put their co-workers thru and that in the end they get downsized just like everyone else when profits or downturns demand carnage.

I really hate when people come to work sick.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 3, 2018:

Most of my jobs were low wage and no benefits, so I often worked sick as did my co-workers, because we had no choice. But even when money was tight, I would stay home sick on days when I was very ill, figuring my long-term health was worth something to me even if my employer couldn't care less. Am ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 3, 2018:

@IrishTxJudy You clearly aren't and I never assumed that about you. Just made my comment to sort of use a teachable moment and make a point on class differences that most people never consider when they discuss health and work.

The only thing worse than women posting kissy faces in their dating profile is when guys do it.

Amisja comments on Dec 3, 2018:

Trout pouts look ridiculous on anyone Miracle...

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 3, 2018:

They suggest emotional immaturity.

It's funny, you work so hard, you do everything you can to get away from a place, and when you ...

webbew1 comments on Dec 2, 2018:

Nope. I left. I grew up in a small town of 730 people about three hours removed from a major city where you could either be a farmer or work in one of the few local small businesses. I wanted to do neither, so I moved to the city and never moved back. I haven't been back to my home town ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 3, 2018:

Same here except my hometown was about 30K in population. Still the same redneck hick mentality, so I couldn't wait to leave and only came back to visit my parents. Once my father dies and I attend his funeral, I'll never come back again.

I have a feeling that depite my general positivity.

mordant comments on Dec 1, 2018:

If I were a woman I would be a bit leery of this level of expressed desperation. I'd feel like an almost guaranteed placeholder for the ex, and a repository for your unresolved issues. You need to have dealt with the loss and moved on and have enough of a personal center to be confident and ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 2, 2018:

@mordant Sounds fucked up to me, but it's their life, not mine. I know my wife didn't want me to do that after she died, but I'm glad I'm not them.

I have a feeling that depite my general positivity.

mordant comments on Dec 1, 2018:

If I were a woman I would be a bit leery of this level of expressed desperation. I'd feel like an almost guaranteed placeholder for the ex, and a repository for your unresolved issues. You need to have dealt with the loss and moved on and have enough of a personal center to be confident and ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 1, 2018:

@mordant I hear that and it makes me wonder about people who keep attending grief support groups for 5 years, maybe ten years or more following the death of their spouse. I attended a widow-widowers group for several months after my spouse died, but after that I never went back because it felt like I had told my story enough and worked thru my wife's death as much as I could there. Plus, the group by then really had no new info to offer me on coping. But there seemed to be many people there who kept coming even 5, 10, or more years after their loved one's death. Kind of made me wonder what their motivation was? To find another partner? To enjoy status as an elder/leader in the group? Or to just wallow in sympathy?

A friend of mine i was talking to yesterday said to me, Sometimes its better for some peo to get ...

darien75 comments on Dec 1, 2018:

It's better to never do it at all, if two people are happy with each other and love each other enough to profess there intent to be together always and forever, then I can think of a million ways in which to use the money that a wedding can cost and at the end of the day it's a piece of A4 paper ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 1, 2018:

Pre-nups are a good idea because most people are not that honorable or fair-minded, esp. after they split with someone. My late wife and I had them and it was still a good idea even tho it turned out to be unnecessary. Now, at my age, I have no intention of getting married again even if I find a partner as I can take care of providing for them thru a will and POA doc.

Someone who really loves you....❤❤❤

UUNJ comments on Dec 1, 2018:

I have several lifelong friends who get me like that. I am so grateful for them.

TomMcGiverin replies on Dec 1, 2018:

Me too. That's why I would never relocate, even tho I hate country music and the whole redneck thing that's so popular in my region. It's because even if I moved for a partner, what would I have outside of the relationship and what happens if that ends or she dies or gets ill? I already learned how much I need friends with my wife's illness and death. Nothing in the future is assured.

Pardon a boast: I preached and sang this morning at the Unitarian Universalist church in Montclair, ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 25, 2018:

I'm happy for you. I used to have that experience once in a while at the two Unitarian churches in my area. But that was when I was a decade or two younger and those in charge of the music would let me sing solos at services with an accompanist. Would sing pop or folk songs that fit the sermon. Now,...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 25, 2018:

@UUNJ Glad to hear that. It's how it should be, but in my case the people in those two positions at the churches changed over and the new ones didn't want me performing anymore. Didn't feel like I should have to lobby and politic for it with them or the people who were influencing them.

Pardon a boast: I preached and sang this morning at the Unitarian Universalist church in Montclair, ...

Deiter comments on Nov 25, 2018:

What were your musical selections?

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 25, 2018:

@UUNJ Cool artists, similar to what I used to cover.

Pardon a boast: I preached and sang this morning at the Unitarian Universalist church in Montclair, ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 25, 2018:

I'm happy for you. I used to have that experience once in a while at the two Unitarian churches in my area. But that was when I was a decade or two younger and those in charge of the music would let me sing solos at services with an accompanist. Would sing pop or folk songs that fit the sermon. Now,...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 25, 2018:

@UUNJ Thanks. There were people who noticed my absence and said they missed my singing, but they were not part of the group with power at either church for choosing who got to present services or select music or performers. All about who's in the power structure and who's not. Life's too short and not worth fighting those assholes.

Pardon a boast: I preached and sang this morning at the Unitarian Universalist church in Montclair, ...

Lutherzme comments on Nov 25, 2018:

May I ask what your topic was?

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 25, 2018:

Same here.

Pardon a boast: I preached and sang this morning at the Unitarian Universalist church in Montclair, ...

Deiter comments on Nov 25, 2018:

What were your musical selections?

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 25, 2018:

I'm curious about that too.

I am so grossed out by what is on dating sites.

MojoDave comments on Nov 23, 2018:

Does anyone have any alternatives? I won't go the clubs & bars, and I won't go to 'church.' Can't find a meetup worth my time.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 24, 2018:

I checked out some of the meetup groups in my area and it was pretty much the same women who were on Match. Even recognized the names and pics of some. So why waste your time going to a meetup group to meet women when the same ones are on the dating site? Unless you enjoy the activity enough to go there anyway even if the group were all male or way younger or older than you.

I am so grossed out by what is on dating sites.

UUNJ comments on Nov 23, 2018:

Thought I’d try SinglesOver50, but it turned out to be a women who charges thousands of dollars and claims to have “many millionaires” in her database. Sure she does...I said thx but no thx.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 24, 2018:

@UUNJ It is the same company as Match, but it's even worse, more scammers-less policing of them.

You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Xuande comments on Nov 23, 2018:

Close, but at the same time, far away. Society looks down on men who aren't getting any. It looks down on women who are. I struggled for years with the concept. But that wasn't entirely my fault, the situation is designed to compound problems in on itself. Let me just say this, I stopped ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 24, 2018:

Your second sentence says it all. The whole ad industry is about making people feel small and abnormal for not having enough sex (money, looks, a better home or car, etc.), so those feelings can be used to sell them something that either promises to get them more sex or make them feel better by compensating for the lack of sex in their life. Then, on the other end of the whipsaw, is society's judgment. esp. by the right wing, of women who do have sex outside of marriage and by the general society of men who don't get enough sex, who are seen as losers. Both sides of the whipsaw use blaming of the individual to sell them something or further their own interests, be that political gain or just feeling superior to someone.

The more time that goes by the more I am starting to realize how important real communication is.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 23, 2018:

It is ironic that almost all the women's profiles on Match in my area have all the cliches about honesty, open communication is a must, etc/, but so few of them will reply to me messaging them with interest. Even after they read my long, sincere, very open profile essay. Which leads me to believe ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 23, 2018:

@Deb57 You really seem to take all this very personally, Deb. You need no permission from me to say anything you like. I thought about blocking you,but I'm done arguing with you. I'll block you later if you take the same attitude towards me when wherever I post a comment on the site again. I'm not on here to have ongoing feuds with members. You might read brentan's comment.

The more time that goes by the more I am starting to realize how important real communication is.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 23, 2018:

It is ironic that almost all the women's profiles on Match in my area have all the cliches about honesty, open communication is a must, etc/, but so few of them will reply to me messaging them with interest. Even after they read my long, sincere, very open profile essay. Which leads me to believe ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 23, 2018:

@Deveno I agree with you totally. It's very frustrating to get so little response even if the main reasons are that I am male and average-looking on Match. I know what you say about response rates and such is true because I have traded messages with women who were not interested in me, but were willing to offer advice on my profile and how to play the online dating game. And they confirmed everything you said about how many messages they get compared to average guys, who in most cases never get their messages responded to or ever get a chance to meet the woman. Because meanwhile, while my message sits on the bottom of the pile, the woman is focusing on a few of the best prospects to message and then maybe meet. So the competition is overwhelming and even if you are compatible with someone they will probably never end up connecting with you due to the sheer numbers and going with the looks first or mostly in selecting the first cut of interviewees, so to speak.

The more time that goes by the more I am starting to realize how important real communication is.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 23, 2018:

It is ironic that almost all the women's profiles on Match in my area have all the cliches about honesty, open communication is a must, etc/, but so few of them will reply to me messaging them with interest. Even after they read my long, sincere, very open profile essay. Which leads me to believe ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 23, 2018:

@brentan Thanks for the validation. I feel like I got flamed unreasonably based on the actual words I wrote. I can see why many people won't bother to make a point criticizing the behavior of a specific group if some members of this site will take it as an attack on their whole gender.

The more time that goes by the more I am starting to realize how important real communication is.

Deb57 comments on Nov 23, 2018:

Certain people on this site frequently send private messages that never go beyond "How are you today?" My consistent answer to banalities like this is, "I'm fine, thanks." How can this not be as boring and unsatisfying for them as it is for me?

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 23, 2018:

I wouldn't bother sending or responding messages in that style on this site.

The more time that goes by the more I am starting to realize how important real communication is.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 23, 2018:

It is ironic that almost all the women's profiles on Match in my area have all the cliches about honesty, open communication is a must, etc/, but so few of them will reply to me messaging them with interest. Even after they read my long, sincere, very open profile essay. Which leads me to believe ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 23, 2018:

@Deb57 There is no negative tone in my profile or my initial messages I send out to women on Match. I've had several women vet my profile there, but if you want to put all the blame on me, you're free to do that. You don't seem to value my word on anything here. My messages of interest on Match are about two or three sentences long and say something like"I noticed we have X in common" or that " You said Y in your profile and I really liked that". Then the generic please see my profile and message me if interested. Very bland and standard. You're making a lot of assumptions for never having read a word of my Match profile or e-mails on that site. Done for today Deb. If you want to give me further personal advice, PM me. I won't hold my breath....

The more time that goes by the more I am starting to realize how important real communication is.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 23, 2018:

It is ironic that almost all the women's profiles on Match in my area have all the cliches about honesty, open communication is a must, etc/, but so few of them will reply to me messaging them with interest. Even after they read my long, sincere, very open profile essay. Which leads me to believe ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 23, 2018:

@Deb57 Never said they owe me a reply, Deb. I said that in black and white at the beginning of my reply. No need to be sarcastic either. The lack of response just seems to appear to be contradictory to the stated values of women's profiles. Agree or disagree, but don't mix up the two issues. I don't expect them to communicate with me when there's no relationship. There just appears to be a disconnect that you either agree with or don't. Not interested in arguing with you. I like you and would like to keep it that way.

The more time that goes by the more I am starting to realize how important real communication is.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 23, 2018:

It is ironic that almost all the women's profiles on Match in my area have all the cliches about honesty, open communication is a must, etc/, but so few of them will reply to me messaging them with interest. Even after they read my long, sincere, very open profile essay. Which leads me to believe ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 23, 2018:

@Deb57 I agree that no one owes me a reply, but it does seem kind of contradictory that communication is touted as so important but doing so in my profile seems to have no impact on those who are promoting it so much. Do you see that contradiction? I also get your last sentence and agree with it. My point is that while people may say communication is big or key to them, it won't by itself earn you any interest or credit with them towards wanting to date you or know you better. That seems to be the logic of it.

In loving Memory of JFK! 55 years ago this day our history was forever overtly changed! How ...

Xena comments on Nov 22, 2018:

I was more devastated by MLK's murder frankly

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 23, 2018:

@of-the-mountain Not sure I agree about that, but in both murders I have no doubt the CIA was involved, maybe with the help of other groups.

The more time that goes by the more I am starting to realize how important real communication is.

Novelty comments on Nov 23, 2018:

Odd, I use open and honest communication as a weapon to drive people off. Seriously, I have no more need of dishonesty or pretense of any kind. Want to see someone squirm? Listen to them a while then share with them some deep dark secret that relates to their flippant remarks and watch them ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 23, 2018:

I like your surprise and confront method.

Meanwhile, just prior the the shooting rampage... [georgetakei.com]

PalacinkyPDX comments on Nov 23, 2018:

Yes, there are times when the obsession with "agree with my concept of being rational" is nothing more than abuse and an attempt to control. I see it not infrequently on this site. In my experience, many guys who identify as 'libertarians' are a red flag for this behavior.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 23, 2018:

I've never liked libertarians either. Because in my mind, when you boil down all their policy positions, it comes down to " I want all the rights and liberties I can grab, but I want to keep all my money and stuff without sharing". Which to me, seems the mindset of an adolescent, immature and selfish. So the misogyny seems a natural fit. It is individualism and Social Darwinism to the extreme, both things this country could use less of rather than more. And before you start in on me, clarkems, I concede that Libs like you are highly intelligent and informed, educated, etc., but that doesn't mean their hearts are very big or developed. Which is why their beliefs differ from mine.

So A co-worker suggested that I get on a different dating app.

Olnoseven comments on Nov 22, 2018:

Have you considered sites like ourtime? It's supposed to be a dating site for people 50 and over.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 22, 2018:

@Olnoseven OurTime has members in their 40s on it. I was on there for six months and it was useless, didn't meet anyone in person more than once. Also it has way more scammers on it than Match. None of the paid sites are good from what I can tell, but Match seems to have the largest membership pool by far of any site for my area, even when you get into people in their 60s. So I won't go back to Our Time.

Well, my brother is at my house, not really for the holiday, just happens to be here, but I still ...

linxminx comments on Nov 22, 2018:

My brother flew to see me and spent about 5 days with me. I love my brother very much. However, we are not close, because I have chosen to not be close to him. He came out of the womb arguing with my mother, and that pretty much was their relationship until my mother passed away a few years ago....

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 22, 2018:

The lies the media and most Americans spread about family being so good and important are just that, bullshit. The reality is that most families are at least dysfunctional on some level and many are just plain toxic. In the case of dysfunctional or toxic, it's better to leave them behind and replace them with supportive friends as a new family, while spending time with your original family only on terms that are safe and healthy for you and in small doses. If you can't replace the family with safe, supportive friends to spend holiday time with, then it's better to go it alone.

Well, my brother is at my house, not really for the holiday, just happens to be here, but I still ...

nvrnuff comments on Nov 22, 2018:

My house, my rules. Don't like that? There's the door, I don't care who you are.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 22, 2018:

Sounds fair to me....

Available for your sexual pleasure and to give pleasure ! Message me if you like the body

kiramea comments on Nov 21, 2018:

You may have better luck finding what you're looking for if you filled out your profile. The majority of people skip over blank/almost blank profiles.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 22, 2018:

@Lucy_Fehr Lucy, that's very kind of you.

Has anyone noticed that when talking with conservatives they start out by talking about how corrupt ...

Varn comments on Nov 22, 2018:

I’ve noticed they’ve no middle ground, which makes it easy for them to label you ‘A Liberal Democrat,’ while they side with & support Extremist Republicans… And now they’ve ‘forced you’ to *defend* some extreme leftist line - as if it’s yours.. And when you bring it back to ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 22, 2018:

The people you're referring to in your last paragraph are those I see as ignorant rubes. They are beyond help or reasoning with, so I don't try. I just do my best to stay the hell away from them as they will always hate and not understand me. I wish they had their own separate country from me, but that will never happen and is impractical. So we live as estranged neighbors in our divided red/blue country. Boy, do I hate rednecks and the feeling has always been mutual..As a wise man once told me in college, confuse not the minds of the ignorant, they will only hate you for it.

It sure seems like it sometimes.

chalupacabre comments on Nov 22, 2018:

Or maybe a job interview

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 22, 2018:

So true! They were the worst for me because the employer held all the cards, often played mind games with the interviewees, so it was hard to keep my brain working when I had so much resentment about the power imbalance between them and me. At least in the dating world the power is more balanced, but seems like, by definition, once you have fallen in love with someone they take on having all the power in the relationship. Unless of course it's that rare situation of both people being in love with the other. I suppose at that point the power is equal between them.

Available for your sexual pleasure and to give pleasure ! Message me if you like the body

kiramea comments on Nov 21, 2018:

You may have better luck finding what you're looking for if you filled out your profile. The majority of people skip over blank/almost blank profiles.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 21, 2018:

@Mets Not mine.....

Agnostic.com demographics

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 21, 2018:

I'm curious too. I keep hearing on the boards that they site is overwhelmingly male.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 21, 2018:

@Jay1313132018 I'm here for dating and community, but realisticly there's little chance of meeting someone compatible on here in my local area since new women my age rarely join this site from my area. Not going to date long distance or relocate either. It's fine that you don't have any useful ideas because I really wasn't looking for suggestions from you. I've had plenty of suggestions from others offline and on that were useless because, unlike you, they weren't in touch with how little they knew and how different things are from when they were last dating.

Agnostic.com demographics

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 21, 2018:

I'm curious too. I keep hearing on the boards that they site is overwhelmingly male.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 21, 2018:

@Jay1313132018 Figures. The local atheist/agnostic group is the same way. I don't feel like showing up there to waste my time competing with the other men there for the few women who might attend. It's to the point of laughable with local meet up groups. For example, there's a new Meet-Up group in my local area for Moviegoers. It's mostly male and younger people than me. But after looking at the members list I saw that as far as women my age it was pretty much all women whose names and profile pics were ones I recognized from Match that had already rejected me or I had rejected them. Same with the local ballroom dance Meetup group. Almost all the same women. Plus, for good measure, there was also the only woman my age who had attended another movie group, a film discussion group, for the first meeting over a year ago and never came back. She also ignored a FB message I sent her later expressing interest in meeting for coffee. Same women at all the groups and no compatible new prospects to be gained by trying out new activity groups. My conclusion? It 's very easy to say to someone who's trying to find someone to date "Just get out there and join a bunch of groups". The reality is that in practice it's not going to improve your odds of meeting someone compatible anymore than the dating site or the grocery store. It's just that making what seems like an obvious good suggestion makes the person offering it feel better about trying to help you, but the fact is they are ignorant and clueless about the facts on the ground.......

Do you proofread your posts and comments?

genessa comments on Nov 19, 2018:

yes i do. and i have found that even though i do proofread my stuff, ag dot com changes some words! i found in more than one post that the word "to" (surely an inoffensive word!) not only had been deleted from all sentences (could i POSSIBLE have just forgotten "to" in all my sentences?) but a ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 21, 2018:

Same thing happens to me.

"You have to love yourself before you love someone else"... discuss 🤔

memorylikeasieve comments on Nov 19, 2018:

I am so sick of seeing that. It's a slap in the face to people with depression.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 21, 2018:

@Marcie1974 I really doubt that I have thicker skin than you or most people.

"You have to love yourself before you love someone else"... discuss 🤔

memorylikeasieve comments on Nov 19, 2018:

I am so sick of seeing that. It's a slap in the face to people with depression.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 21, 2018:

@Marcie1974 We'd have to agree to disagree on that, but I'd still rather have the truth. I'm sure with some women, for example, the fact that I'm bald is probably a dealbreaker for them even tho they might not want to admit it. In fact probably half the women my age don't want a bald man. But I'd rather hear that truth from them than some BS instead about how they're rejecting me for being a non-drinker or not religious enough for them. If it's because of looks, I'd rather know.....because it would give me a better idea of where I rate on the looks scale and which level of looks in women are out of my reach. So that way I'm not setting my sights too high most of the time.

Psychologists Explain How to Deal with the Nightmare that is Thanksgiving Dinner

memorylikeasieve comments on Nov 19, 2018:

That's why they're halfway across the country from me. And ne'er the twain shall meet.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 21, 2018:

As soon as my brother finished undergraduate college, he moved halfway across the country and since then he has never lived within 1000 miles of the rest of our family (who all live in the middle of the US). Since the late 80s he's lived in Puerto Rico. I said to my parents and other siblings at the time he moved away from the rest of us to the east that he was "getting a divorce from the family", but no one took me seriously. Time has only proven me right. So I totally get your point. At least you are honest about the state of things, unlike my family, including my brother.

Practice safe on-line dating.

Minta79 comments on Nov 20, 2018:

Who the fuck is giving away that much money to an online hunny? Seriously, who? I'm broke AF.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 20, 2018:

What is AF?

Today I learned not to go on Match.com while on a narcotic for a migraine. Jeebus.

RapidCityKelly comments on Nov 20, 2018:

LMAO! I have found Match to be full of men only looking for a hookup in my demographic (45+ females)

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 20, 2018:

It may vary some by geo area. I see you are 52. In my area on Match, the women 45-52 mostly appear to be cougars who are only seeking men younger than them for casual relationships. For example, most women your age will not date even a 58 yo man. Having said that, most of the men your age are only interested in dating women younger than them or at most the same age as them.

Why ghosting hurts. [psychologytoday.com]

Deiter comments on Nov 20, 2018:

Sure, ghosting hurts. So does being spurned with a bulls--t explanation. There's a whole panoply of things people do to spite lovers/spouses/friends to inflict intentional pain, whether as a defense or an offense. You could argue the differences in how those experiences feel is purely academic. ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 20, 2018:

@Deiter Thanks Deiter. All your points are valid. When abuse is already involved on the part of the person who was ghosted, it changes everything. And as men, we have less to fear from the other party as far as physical revenge for ending the relationship, not that it still doesn't happen sometimes, I'm sure, on the part of spurned women.

Why ghosting hurts. [psychologytoday.com]

Deiter comments on Nov 20, 2018:

Sure, ghosting hurts. So does being spurned with a bulls--t explanation. There's a whole panoply of things people do to spite lovers/spouses/friends to inflict intentional pain, whether as a defense or an offense. You could argue the differences in how those experiences feel is purely academic. ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 20, 2018:

I hear you Deiter and I mostly agree, esp. about the job-hunting part, which really is an abuse of power on their part. I am so damn glad to be retired and no longer forced to ever participate in that abuse again or be under the thumb of an employer. We differ in that I have never ghosted, so I haven't been on both sides. When the only sin of the victim in most cases of ghosting is being interested in the other party and having hope that the relationship will succeed, I find it inappropriate or unfair to blame the victim as passive-aggressive for not seeing the red flags you claim they missed. Since the perpetrator is usually witholding information from them about how they really feel and what they are doing behind the victim's back. The abuser sees everything they are doing and knows what they are feeling too, so I think it's unfair to blame the victim, who really may be unaware thru no fault of their own. You talk about power imbalances, why blame the victim too if there is an awareness imbalance that is beyond the victim's ability? You also say relationships always involve hurt when they end. Sure, I agree with that as they involve flawed human beings who cause hurt even when they try and do their best. But ghosting on the part of the ghoster involves causing hurt knowingly while NOT trying to do their best by the other person and instead taking the easiest way out for them. To me, that is not excusable, except when the other person has been abusive and there may not be any other way to get out of the relationship without putting their safety at risk. BTW, I think you are a very smart, wise fellow from your posts and comments I've read. I've rejected a few women in my life and it was miserable, but I did it without ghosting....

Dating past 40 question: your looks are gone, how do you find a mate in this ...

Aushra comments on Nov 20, 2018:

My looks aren't gone. They are just worse than before. LOL. In my experience, I find that so many men are very shallow when it comes to looks. One one hand, they can have a woman in their own age range with average or below average looks where the chemistry is awesome. The other hand, they can ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 20, 2018:

Can't say my experience on Match squares with that. It seems that very few of the younger women will date someone more that a few years older than them, according to their stated dating age ranges in their profiles, so there can't be that many men who are able to get the younger women from dating sites to date them. I'm also assuming these older men must be very good-looking to attract the minority of younger women who will date an older man from a dating site. Maybe you're only talking about the men who meet women offline in the real world? Or are you talking about your past dating experience of offline dating?

"You have to love yourself before you love someone else"... discuss 🤔

memorylikeasieve comments on Nov 19, 2018:

I am so sick of seeing that. It's a slap in the face to people with depression.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 20, 2018:

@Marcie1974 I'd prefer the truth over a made-up lame excuse because at that point the interaction is obviously going to end, at least on my part, so why care about sparing my feelings on why they don't want to date me? I don't give second chances to someone who does that and they don't really care about me or my feelings at that point, so the only thing they have to lose then by being honest is their own delusion and appearance about being a decent, "nice" person. Which I suppose is precious to them and their false self-image.

Dating woes

Marcie1974 comments on Nov 19, 2018:

I’m 44 and they only seem to want sex. Either one night or FWB. No one actually wants to date. So far I’ve only encountered 2 who wanted to date. One ended up being pretty conservative....but we’re still friends and he gives good dating advice. The other didn’t feel a spark for me ?

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 20, 2018:

@Marcie1974 So simply put and appropriate....

Dating woes

GwenC comments on Nov 19, 2018:

Every man I meet seems to only be looking for a FWB. Maybe it's the age group - they are all having their midlife crisis, but nothing but a hook up is not what I'm looking for. It's exhausting.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 20, 2018:

@stinklizard Friend With Benefits-Sex with no emotional ties or commitment, don't bother with going out on dates, etc.

Psychologists Explain How to Deal with the Nightmare that is Thanksgiving Dinner

CommonHuman comments on Nov 19, 2018:

I dread family time every year. The annual disappointment parade.

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 20, 2018:

So do I. It makes for a long, depressing holiday season that I try to fill with as much friend time as possible....

Why ghosting hurts. [psychologytoday.com]

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 19, 2018:

I have never ghosted anyone, online or offline, nor have I ever stood anyone up for a date. My friends have never stood me up for a meeting. If they did without working it out in a healthy way to regain my trust, we would be done. People can blame it on the online dating culture or, for all I care, ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Nov 20, 2018:

@UUNJ Thank you. I am glad I found this site and am proud that I am an Agnostic who has high moral and ethical standards, without the benefit or requirements of belief in a God, religion, or afterlife's reward or punishment to motivate me to have those standards or live this way. We are all aware of how most people who are believers assume that we have no morals or ethics because we are Agnostic or Atheist. That's why it pains me to see people here imply that ghosting and such is no big deal morally or ethically because shit happens, everybody or almost everybody does it, etc. It's that kind of thing that helps allow the mainstream world to defame us, living down to their level instead of being better than the many hypocrite believers out there. That's one reason I am uncomfortable with my local Unitarian church where I used to be a member. Lots of hypocrites who are quick to rally around gay rights, Black Lives Matter, etc. while in the meantime they look down on the poorer members of the church, practice ghosting, treat other members of the church or even ones who used to be their friends as disposable, and ignore new people as unwelcome unless they seem fit to join their particular clique. Just gets too disgusting after a while to keep showing up.

Dating woes