I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jun 18, 2021:

Did you have a brainstorm?

Zealandia replies on Jun 18, 2021:

More of a brain fade.

We thought our house was haunted so we got the local priest in to exorcise it.

Willow_Wisp comments on Jun 14, 2021:

When my daughter was a teen ager she did the Jesus miracle in reverse, she turned vodka into water. Boy were we surprised when we poured ourselves a drink after a few months, there was just enough vodka in that bottle to keep the water from freezing in the freezer.

Zealandia replies on Jun 15, 2021:

I bet she was in a lot of trouble when you discovered her little deception. Reminds me of a great aunt who stayed at the family home when I was a teenager. She would wait until we were asleep and then raid the booze cabinet. Parents noticed the steadily declining levels in the bottles….I think they were too polite to let on.

A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"? “Nothing for me, I'm the driver."

FrayedBear comments on Jun 13, 2021:

You fluffed that one! A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"? The wood replied: “Nothing for me, I'm the driver."

Zealandia replies on Jun 13, 2021:

Ok, thanks for the clarification. You got it to a tee.

Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each.

FrayedBear comments on Jun 11, 2021:

There I thought the penalty was half a year!

Zealandia replies on Jun 12, 2021:

It was six of one, half a dozen of the other….

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and Ships.

LucyLoohoo comments on Jun 4, 2021:

What do you call Israeli cheese? Cheeses of Nazareth. (Ducking.....)

Zealandia replies on Jun 4, 2021:

Praise Cheeses!

A very nervous first-time crew member says to the skipper, “Do boats like this sink very often?

whiskywoman comments on May 31, 2021:

exactly...here's your sign

Zealandia replies on May 31, 2021:

Great picture of Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, am watching Futurama at the moment.

What font do they use for alphabet soup? Times New Ramen

Zealandia comments on May 29, 2021:

I would make a font joke but I’m not bold enough.

Zealandia replies on May 30, 2021:

@silverotter11 Yep, bit of a character.

Why didn’t the sailors play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck.

FrayedBear comments on May 29, 2021:

Groan.

Zealandia replies on May 30, 2021:

@FrayedBear Or in the crows nest.

I went to the shop to buy a camouflage shirt, but couldn't find any.

FrayedBear comments on May 24, 2021:

You won't make a good marksman then.

Zealandia replies on May 24, 2021:

That’s a cheap shot....

"You shall not covet your neighbor’s house.

creative51 comments on Mar 2, 2021:

I been wondering where my ox and donkey disappeared to...

Zealandia replies on Mar 2, 2021:

That’s called donkey bothering in the uk,,,,,

People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.

LenHazell53 comments on Jan 21, 2021:

They're definitely so con-fused

Zealandia replies on Jan 27, 2021:

Ohm my goodness.

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

273kelvin comments on Jan 5, 2021:

"This is my plan of attack" "It looks like a nail" "No its a tack"

Zealandia replies on Jan 9, 2021:

Tacky 😆

All set to go well with the vaccination roll out

Mcflewster comments on Dec 6, 2020:

It is good. Source?

Zealandia replies on Dec 6, 2020:

Guessing it's from the Private Eye.

Here's a foretaste of the coming BBC / ITV revival of the brilliant 1980s TV satire show, "Spitting ...

Mcflewster comments on Oct 3, 2020:

I wish they sold a Set-Top box for Britbox . Alternatively what is the simplest way of trying it out?

Zealandia replies on Oct 4, 2020:

Am aware of Virtual Private Networks, or VPN's. Although haven't used one myself. Provides a country based IP address to get around geographical restrictions to viewing material. Apparently most of the BBC's IPlayer's streaming traffic is by expat British who are missing their favourite shows. Might be worth looking into? Although obviously it's not quite legitimate.

Her: “Why do we need walkie-talkies?

FrayedBear comments on Aug 31, 2020:

Double groan. Out.

Zealandia replies on Aug 31, 2020:

Over, Over and out.

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.

Zealandia comments on Aug 28, 2020:

Aw, what a groaner.

Zealandia replies on Aug 29, 2020:

@FrayedBear Agree with you there. They are good ones though.

Interesting article on a person leaving the JW faith.

kdmom comments on Jul 22, 2020:

I love her. She’s done a lot of good interviews and talks as well. My favorite was at the Freedom From Religion National Convention: https://youtu.be/HqisFY3qJR0

Zealandia replies on Jul 24, 2020:

Thanks for sharing the video. It was really interesting.

Have you ever wondered why Donald tRump buys his shoes and socks from England and not America?

GEGR comments on Jul 4, 2020:

He can Put On His Shoes ?????

Zealandia replies on Jul 4, 2020:

Good question.

[facebook.com] Don't all rush at once

Zealandia comments on Jun 26, 2020:

Hmmmm, not so sure that's a good idea. There's a lot of anti English sentiment there. My uncle was called a SEB (Stupid English B@$+ard) to his face all the time by his juniors when he was a manager there. My aunt went for a job interview and was mockingly asked if she was English. Her response? ...

Zealandia replies on Jun 26, 2020:

@Moravian No, I don't think so. How can calling someone a term like that be humorous?

A bit of wry Aussie humour here, Q.

Zealandia comments on Jun 11, 2020:

The kiwis had their own version that expanded the geographical area to the whole of Oz.

Zealandia replies on Jun 12, 2020:

Didn't know the second one, that's a goodie. You obviously know about the Taranaki blonde.....

Catholic priests jailed for sexually abusing deaf children in Argentina - FRANCE 24

rogueflyer comments on Dec 9, 2019:

More of the same. The deaf children is a new twist though.

Zealandia replies on Dec 11, 2019:

Sadly abuse of disabled children is not new. Deaf children are especially vulnerable because of the language barrier. Attempting to communicate these issues via sign language (Which is frequently their first language) to officials is often problematic.

In Israel, some Ultra-Orthodox Jews, known as Haredim, trade tradition for modernity - The ...

Fernapple comments on Dec 6, 2019:

Sorry it won't let me read it without paying.

Zealandia replies on Dec 8, 2019:

@Allamanda Not sure what an incognito window is, but the website recognises your region from your IP address and automatically blocks access. I'm also in the UK and had the same problem.

Chick-fil-A no longer donates to controversial Christian charities

Moravian comments on Nov 19, 2019:

We have the only Chic fil a restuarant in the UK in the small town of Aviemore near where I live since the one in London was closed after demonstrations by LGBTQ recently. I dont think I will be giving them any custom though

Zealandia replies on Nov 19, 2019:

There's actually one in Reading, Berkshire. That restaurant will be closing soon as well, probably due to demonstrations. It's in the Oracle shopping centre. There's only three items on the menu. Burgers, nuggets and the fries. Plus drinks too.

Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore.

Gonzogopher comments on Nov 17, 2019:

Not sure about that, you might be taking it for granite!

Zealandia replies on Nov 17, 2019:

I think I get the schist of these comments......

A clean baby.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Oct 30, 2019:

Dumb ass, or smart ass? Hahahaha....

Zealandia replies on Oct 31, 2019:

@AnthonyAus For a couple of hours anyway.

If there is an ‘emergency’ sitting of the House on Saturday, I wonder how many MPs will have ...

Marionville comments on Oct 14, 2019:

Nobody knows from one day to the next what is happening....Saturday is a long way off!

Zealandia replies on Oct 15, 2019:

@Geoffrey51 More like a day at the moment.

Conversion therapy leader McKrae Game comes out as gay

KKGator comments on Sep 4, 2019:

It would be too easy for me to attack his hypocrisy, and leave it there. Instead, I'm going to commend this guy for coming out and being truthful about EVERYTHING. It took a lot of courage to publicly acknowledge that you have been wrong. To admit that you caused harm because of your false ...

Zealandia replies on Sep 5, 2019:

I agree with you. It takes a lot of courage to admit something like that.

I'm delighted to read that Alan Turing is to feature as the face of the new £50 note.

NicoleCadmium comments on Jul 15, 2019:

Yup, it's a shame it's the £50, so practically nobody will see it. It's been nearly a year since I last saw a £50 note. A friend of mine had mysteriously got 3 of them out a of a cash machine when withdrawing £200. Plenty of retailers won't accept anything larger than a £20. As someone ...

Zealandia replies on Jul 17, 2019:

@NicoleCadmium Thanks for the info, I had a look at the Wikipedia page about Turing as you suggested. Agree with you that it's a pity that Turing is more defined by his sexuality, rather than his great mind and contributions to the war effort plus computing afterwards at Manchester University. Hopefully over time that viewpoint will become more balanced.

I'm delighted to read that Alan Turing is to feature as the face of the new £50 note.

NicoleCadmium comments on Jul 15, 2019:

Yup, it's a shame it's the £50, so practically nobody will see it. It's been nearly a year since I last saw a £50 note. A friend of mine had mysteriously got 3 of them out a of a cash machine when withdrawing £200. Plenty of retailers won't accept anything larger than a £20. As someone ...

Zealandia replies on Jul 15, 2019:

Just out of interest, what's Turing's link with Manchester?

I wanted to try online dating, so I clicked around until I saw someone I found attractive.

Zealandia comments on Jun 29, 2019:

That's an A-positive joke.

Zealandia replies on Jun 29, 2019:

@Lilac-Jade Yes, humour should always b-positive.

A girl walked into a bar and said to the barman, "Bud light please." He said, "Are you 18?

Zealandia comments on May 16, 2019:

I understand that in America people often have to show ID to get a drink, even if they clearly are in their more mature years. Never happens in many other countries.

Zealandia replies on Jun 2, 2019:

@Summer72 Really? That's over the top. I remember years ago in California I was asked for ID and showed my passport. As we weren't showing American ones, the guy was refusing to sell me and my mate the beer. Saved by a seriously scary guy behind us who aggressively demanded that the salesperson serve us. Thankfully he backed down. It was pretty tense for a few moments there. Seriously scary guy said something about it being a free country as we were leaving as quickly as we could. I haven't had to show ID for buying a drink for many, many years.

Pasta strainers and pirates: how the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was born | World news | ...

cava comments on May 27, 2019:

Devout pastafarian pirate here.

Zealandia replies on Jun 1, 2019:

RAmem to that!

When a trick went wrong, an amateur magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two ...

Zealandia comments on May 26, 2019:

Sofa so good.

Zealandia replies on May 27, 2019:

@Lilac-Jade To check if the notes were correct as well.

When a trick went wrong, an amateur magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two ...

Zealandia comments on May 26, 2019:

Sofa so good.

Zealandia replies on May 27, 2019:

@Lilac-Jade Wonder if the doctor asked the magician to take a seat before giving the diagnosis?

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels... She didn’t know I existed.

Zealandia comments on May 25, 2019:

There's no "I" in the word team either apparently.

Zealandia replies on May 26, 2019:

@chilehead9 Good one!

Teacher: How many seconds are there in a year?

MojoDave comments on Apr 9, 2019:

??? that's a twist I wasn't expecting!

Zealandia replies on Apr 9, 2019:

I'll second that one.

Satire Mississippi Passes Anti-Richard Dawkins Law FEBRUARY 12, 2019 BY ANDREW HALL ...

Zealandia comments on Mar 4, 2019:

The Landover Baptist Church is an excellent satirical website: http://www.landoverbaptist.net

Zealandia replies on Mar 4, 2019:

@mooredolezal Yeah, it's brilliant, isn't it. The back story on how the website came about is on Wikipedia. The story of how Jesus was in the top 5% of income earners is hilarious.

Kent State students and the Gen Z/Millennial generations overall are showing that the most prominent...

Zealandia comments on Feb 28, 2019:

The article is unavailable to me due to legal reasons. Because I'm based in Britain, the website doesn't want to breach European data regs. However, there have been similar stories in other media outlets.

Zealandia replies on Mar 2, 2019:

@AtheistNews Thanks for posting that. Much appreciated.

Kent State students and the Gen Z/Millennial generations overall are showing that the most prominent...

Zealandia comments on Feb 28, 2019:

The article is unavailable to me due to legal reasons. Because I'm based in Britain, the website doesn't want to breach European data regs. However, there have been similar stories in other media outlets.

Zealandia replies on Mar 1, 2019:

@AtheistNews Yes, I'm surprised about the lack of access too. Doesn't happen very often. The website is saying: 451: Unavailable due to legal reasons We recognize you are attempting to access this website from a country belonging to the European Economic Area (EEA) including the EU which enforces the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) and therefore access cannot be granted at this time. For any issues, contact kentwired@gmail.com or call 330-672-2586.

What do you call.....

FrayedBear comments on Jan 25, 2019:

Not unless it has had gender reassignment surgery!

Zealandia replies on Jan 25, 2019:

Lol. It's having a post-op snooze.

I was raised atheist, and really never even knew about God until I met a kid in my first grade class...

Essie comments on Jan 7, 2019:

Thanks for sharing Jasper! I find it so fascinating to meet someone raised so very differently. As an African American, my upbringing was one that presupposed some level of religiousosity in everyone you met. I was in middle school before I met an agnostic and was grown before it occurred to me ...

Zealandia replies on Jan 10, 2019:

Hi Essie, can confirm BecB's comments. Growing up in New Zealand, (Across the ditch from Australia, gidday how's it going) religion wasn't discussed that much at home and in the wider community. Have a whole branch of the family who is Roman Catholic, it was never seen as an issue even worthy of comment during my formative years. I was in my late teens before I independently understood the implications of this.

a new post post

273kelvin comments on Jan 8, 2019:

I am not sharing this post because someone might take a fence?

Zealandia replies on Jan 8, 2019:

I can see how barbed the post is as well.

Sunset on Mars.

bigpawbullets comments on Dec 17, 2018:

Beautiful shot Shadow. Were you there on vacation? Or business??

Zealandia replies on Dec 17, 2018:

Elon Musk probably sent him there.....

Grandmas and tech...

EricJones comments on Dec 11, 2018:

I gotta do that at work. I have a box of them in a corner.

Zealandia replies on Dec 12, 2018:

Gosh, your workplace encourages child labour? ?

I managed to get through to my solicitors today: "Good morning, Grabbit, Grabbit & Grabbit ...

Cast1es comments on Dec 6, 2018:

Thought solicitors went by Esquire , rather than Mr. ?

Zealandia replies on Dec 7, 2018:

Is that an American custom? The terminology isn't used in the UK, they're not landed gentry as far as I know.

Don't wine about it.

EricJones comments on Dec 5, 2018:

Cute

Zealandia replies on Dec 6, 2018:

Yep, then you progress onto dates and it's all downhill from there. You know you're at rock bottom with desiccated coconut.

Me: What happened to you?

Cutiebeauty comments on Dec 1, 2018:

Ouch!

Zealandia replies on Dec 1, 2018:

A stinging comment.

Some smart ass turkeys. Live ta see another THANKSGIVING

Zealandia comments on Nov 27, 2018:

Where's the guide dog?

Zealandia replies on Nov 27, 2018:

@HardBlues69 lol

OHHHH. I'M SO SO HAPPY AND EXCITED. EVERYBODY...THIS IS MY NEW GIRLFRIEND. HOT HOT HOT!

Zealandia comments on Nov 23, 2018:

Did she sweep you off your feet?

Zealandia replies on Nov 23, 2018:

One more.....bet you can't wait to share a footlong with her at Subway.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

Happyheretic comments on Nov 21, 2018:

There's a cure on the way, I heard that it's coming soon.....

Zealandia replies on Nov 22, 2018:

@Happyheretic Lol

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

Happyheretic comments on Nov 21, 2018:

There's a cure on the way, I heard that it's coming soon.....

Zealandia replies on Nov 21, 2018:

You sure your hopes of an early release for the cure isn't a bit premature?

That's a cheesy memey

Zealandia comments on Nov 3, 2018:

Takes a lot of pluck to study the harp.

Zealandia replies on Nov 9, 2018:

@Happyheretic Lol

That's a cheesy memey

Zealandia comments on Nov 3, 2018:

Takes a lot of pluck to study the harp.

Zealandia replies on Nov 3, 2018:

@Rudy1962 Nope, can't lyre around.

My wife said to me, "How on earth are we going to use 9% less gas this winter?

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Oct 30, 2018:

He'll be out of hospital in a week.

Zealandia replies on Oct 30, 2018:

Then it's back to the burnt dinners.

Just never stops!

DoDapper comments on Oct 29, 2018:

Really have a bone to pick with each other.

Zealandia replies on Oct 30, 2018:

It's a bone pic

Repent repent you still have a chance. Stop the sinning now!

Infoguy211 comments on Oct 28, 2018:

Looks like a bunch of Pentecostals and Baptists can't deal with people being different than them. And since when are avocados and falafel evil?

Zealandia replies on Oct 28, 2018:

Just don't mention avocados and toast. Now that's total blasphemy.

Hmmm. Trying to say something?

Umbral comments on Oct 26, 2018:

Ouch. Should please around 50% of people. Should terrify around 50% of people.

Zealandia replies on Oct 26, 2018:

Lol. In that case it's a gender neutral sign. So should I say neutered?

Eve to Adam... Are you cheating on me?

Umbral comments on Oct 26, 2018:

So, she was looking for the bone ...

Zealandia replies on Oct 26, 2018:

That's a good rib eye

Either cheesy or stupid memes...

phxbillcee comments on Oct 26, 2018:

Don't like Wonder Bread, can't stand Miracle Whip, tho she looks just fine. Could use a little sun, tho!

Zealandia replies on Oct 26, 2018:

Doesn't need any sun, fortified with vitamin D.

A skeleton starts to bust out crying.... The other skeleton ask him what's the matter?

Umbral comments on Oct 26, 2018:

At least he can still get boned...

Zealandia replies on Oct 26, 2018:

Bonus. Dare I say it, that was pro bono.

I was with a girl I recently met.

Leafhead comments on Oct 18, 2018:

A girl after my own heart

Zealandia replies on Oct 18, 2018:

Especially if she's Canadian

Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and ...

273kelvin comments on Sep 12, 2018:

There actually was a group practice in the south of England with Blood, Guts and D`eath. Can you imagine the waiting room conversations with the receptionist? "Is Guts available?" "Not at the moment. You can see Blood if you want?" "No I would rather have Death"

Zealandia replies on Sep 12, 2018:

The practice would have been complete with a Dr Pine-Coffin.