I was never molested or anything, I actually have pretty good memories of most of the elders and 'friends'. I feel damaged though and have mixed feelings because I look back and I think 'I knew this shit didn't make sense even as a kid', and maybe I couldn't articulate why or even understand why but I feel like I knew it was wrong, and I guess it was more important for my mom and all the friends to be happy than it was to figure out why I felt like it didn't make sense. Like I wanted to fit into the group even though almost my entire life was a 'double life' partly because my dad was wordly but mostly because I'm a hypocrite. And eventually I stopped focusing how nonsensical the teachings were and started feeling bad that I didn't understand them or live up to them. I kept on living a double life but felt like there must be something wrong with me, not that there isn't anything wrong with me but at least I feel justified now in never being fully on board with all the JW stuff. I wish I could go back in time and unshave my beard, I don't know why it was so important to me to be part of the group and to try to believe it all. I was scared of apostate shit all the way to around september 2017, never looked at it once. Then you start learning why it never made sense to you and realize just how much time and energy was wasted on lies. I tried to tell my mom about it but she's not having it. I get upset because it's like I want someone to blame but I love my mom and she probably did the best she could. It's like there's no one to blame except me, but what was I supposed to do? Tell my mom and everyone else they were wrong? And it also makes me scared to commit to any sort of 'truth' now, I don't know what to think about why things are the way they are but so far I haven't been able to let go of the hope that there's more to life than this. I want there to be a god, just not Jehovah and if the bible is true then fuck that guy. I've probably done more bible study in the past several months than all the years before that. I'm reasonably certain the bible is bullshit so I'm spending less and less time thinking about it except to point out to people all the ridiculousness that's been pointed out to me. I may not know what the truth is but at least I know it isn't this. Thank goodness I never got baptized.